Blaming .

 Domestic abuse blaming what a subject to discuss and try to unravel....

 The abused victim blames the abuser and the abuser blames the abused victim  . In my case yes most of it was my exs fault but to a certain degree I'm to blame too......why ?....

  Because I let it happen for much longer than it should of done. Yes I blame myself totally for that one because it was solely my fault and my decision for not putting a stop to it when it first all started all those years ago  .

I should of left the first time when I had the first opportunity and not wasted any more of my very valuable years of life being intimidated and abused . Does it make me cross or angry ?....

Yes to a certain point it does , I'm beyond feeling any effectionate feelings towards my now ex but I can't help but be slightly annoyed with myself for being such a wimp and not standing my ground . I wonder what would have happened if I had started saying No ! right at the beginning ? There's only 3 reasons I can think of to be thankful for all my years wasted and they of course are my children .

When your being abused you get sucked into it untill you can't see that your slowly sinking into a dismal pit of dispare . 

Some would say I shouldn't blame myself for any of it  but unfortunatly that's something I think will never change and I will just have  to live with and most importantly I should never of allowed my children be witness or experience any of it . 

 The Abuser will try to blame the rest of the world rather than take the responsibility and accept the blame for their own actions then if all else fails they will then try to convince anyone who will listern to them that your a complete and utter fruit cake that shouldn't be left in charge of a bowl full of jelly . Their warped logic is to try to make those who don't know you hate you and those that do know you hate you even more , they don't care who that person might be , it could be a friend , an employer, a parent , a random person waiting in line in a shop or even your own child  . They will try to condem you to anyone who will listern to them and the truth sometimes gets exchanged for untruths along the way and those same untruths can expand as time goes by .

 Next comes guilt and do they feel it let alone accept it and its yet another thing I don't have the answer for . Even if they did feel it they would never show it let alone admit to it . I'm more than happy to admit that I will always have a small feeling of guilt because I let my children be involved in it but I don't think there's any felt on my exs side ,  his either hiding it exceptionally well or as I strongly suspect there's absolutely nothing there .

In their eyes there's only one mean , selfish greedy , lazy and totally nasty person in their life and that's you . You were the one that spoilt all their fun , you were the one that broke their heart , you were the one that tried to turn everyone against them and you were the one that never did as they were told  . 

 I think there must be an endless list of things I was for ever being blamed for including not pulling my weight when it came to earning money or constantly having  affairs ( both obviously untrue or else I'd now be a poor homeless hooker without even a piece of stale bread to eat ) . I now know there was absolutly nothing I could have done to stop his abusive controlling ways .

  Being responsible for your own actions is a lesson that everyone should learn in life and especially the abusers but we all know they never will . No idea why it's such an encredibly differcult thing for them to do but obviously that part must be permanently switched off in them .

Do I forgive my exs actions ?..... 

 Not completely yet but over time maybe I might but that's only because I know I'm the much better person . 

Will I ever forget what has happened ? ......

No Never !!

Would I ever help him if I was the only person left on earth to do it ?....

That would all depend on how bad the the situation was I guess .

Donating a bodily organ or blood if it was needed  ?....

Proberly not ( differant blood group anyway) . 

Lending money ?... 

Deffinatly not ever , 

Offering him a bed for the night if it wss needed ?....

 Most likely not but I'd offer the use of a sleeping bag  .

Writting him a personal reference? ......

Only if I'm allowed to mention his a domestic abuser. 

Would I stand up in court supporting another one of their victims ?.....

Yes I honestly think I would. 

Do I think I will ever recieve an apology from my ex  ?.....

 Only of there's a vague chance of hell freezing over .

Will my ex ever accept any blame ? ....

No chance .

Is my life better now without my ex ? ......

Absolutely !!!!!

 Sorry but I honestly don't think if I was reached out to by my ex that I could ever bring myself to do an awful lot to help out not because I'm all bitter and twisted inside over the past events but because I know deep down he would never consider doing it for anyone else in a desperate situation and he wouldnt ever feel quilty for not doing it either . 

Domestic abusers will never take responsibility for their own actions  so they in turn will never receive or deserve my respect !!

  

 

  

   

Hands up ✋️

 Who watched the recent Court case involving Mr Johnnie Depp and Miss Amber Heard ?.....

I'm honestly not taking any sides here writting this because I dont know all the full  truthful facts and newspapers and the media are not always the most reliable source of information  so no l'd rather not go there thank you very much  .

I'm fairly certain in this particular case it wasn't entirely always one sided but what interested and fascinated me the most was the body language used on both sides and how both used the media to their best advantage . Like I've said at the very beginning my intentions are not to take any side here but it's simply to show that domestic abuse regardless of who you may be can happen to absolutely anyone .

In Miss Heards case........... There was a lot of meaningful glances directed towards the jury and some of her witnesses were a little bit interesting and unique to say the least . There was also a lot of wearing of similar styles or colours of outfits here and it normaly followed whatever Mr Depp was wearing the day before ( or was it just all a coincidence ? ) . It certainly must of been quite an upsetting and slightly scary experience for all concerned but I personally think a true victim wouldn't necessarily sit and cry quite the way she did and the photos of injurys recieved didn't really show a great deal and nothing major and where they photo shopped or where they real was never really proven .  The bruise make up kit was a little bit dubious and I was never completly sure if it was used to add them or hide them . Unfortunatly for her the defensive team she picked didn't come across as that fantastic and the confusion over the money she was supposed to have donated or pledged didn't do her any favours either . Miss Heard was using Mr Depps first name at regular intervals and disbelieved the reason why she wasn't ever being looked in the eye , putting it all down to a guilty conscience . 

Next we have Mr Depps turn........... Granted he did have that look in his eye of replaying past events in his mind and he said everything in a extremely calm collective way and always pausing to think of a good answer before speaking but its also a well known fact that he has been known to take various forms of drugs and he enjoys a good drink after a hard day's work . Again photos of his injurys weren't 100% clear ( apart from the gruesome finger incident of course ) . His team of attorneys were always very on the ball with everything and obviously worked very hard for their money . The evidence used involving recorded conversations was certainly interesting but it did make me wonder why you'd feel the need to do it in the first place . He only ever referred to the other party by using Miss and then the surname and explained his reasons for not wanting to use eye contact .

Did it all go the right way in the end ?.....

 I honesty don't know but it certainly brought domestic abuse out into the open , it showed that men could possibly be the abuse victim too and the legal fight it can involve to prove someone's innocence can be tough  , endless and extremly expensive . Both pleaded the innocent injured party very well , both used various photo , video and voice recordings as evidence and both used friends and family as witnesses and both I feel may have a need to perhaps speak to someone who can help them about their anger management and any other problems or issue's they may have  . 

I suppose my next question is who was the real winner out of all of this ?...

  Apart from the massively expensive attorneys of course  and was there a loser ? both had to drag  their past life history's through the dirt , both have had to endure their private and personal lives being broadcast to the entire world by the media and both have risked their reputation and future in the ever fragile business of making movies .

One thing it did show was that domestic abuse isn't always as simple as it first sounds or appears , that it isn't always about physical damage to someone and that it can happen to absolutly anybody famous or not . Physical abuse causes injuries that can slowly over time heal but emotional abuse can be the silent weapon that causes invisible damage to hearts , souls and minds which then in some cases it can never heal .

 No one will ever really know exactly the events that happen and that were discussed between the two of them , there were only those two people involved and they both have their own unique sides to the story . Both provided some excellent evidence ( although some of it did look and sound a little bit staged at times ) , the Media have had an absolute field day trying to keep everyone informed and updated of the slightest detail and they've made a nice little profit from it all too .

  On a positive note Mr Depp had always said it was never really about the money but more about reclaiming his acting and personal reputation back which I think his managing to do quite well  .  

Miss Heard now has an added extension to her life and seems to have not yet restarted her acting carrier but who knows what the future can bring for her .

I wish both of them well with their chosen futures and thank them on a more personal note for displaying that elephant in the room called domestic abuse , the attention it raised may of died down a little bit now but its all still out there to find on the Internet. 

   

Question time 🤔

There are far too many questions and not enough answers about domestic abuse , would you be able to pick an abuser out in a crowd ? ......

Those that domestically abuse others are very much like chameleons , they can change their colour and character to fit with what ever situation they might find themselves in and you will very rarely get to see the real person behind the mask they wear  . You can quite often find yourself left with endless unanswered questions that do nothing but confuse you even further as time goes by because they all seem never to have an answer  . Just when you think you've worked it all out even more questions need answering and so it all goes on .

Domestic abusers can come in many differant shapes , colours , sizes and sexs . That dear sweet innocent looking little grey haired  old lady with the softly spoken quite little voice in the super market that needed your help with her shopping trolly the other day could be one , that perfect gentleman sat wearing a nice smart expensive suit having his lunch on that park bench reading his newspaper and feeding the pigeons could be one and the nice really friendly person who served you in the garage after filling your car up yesterday could be one too .  It is  vertually impossible to disquinish who the abuser could be in a crowd full of people .

Abusers don't unfortunately have that certain look about them , have big red warning lights on top of their heads or wear a massive badge telling the world what they are and and you will never see a hint of it in their eyes when you talk to them , they wear their fake mask all to well so that others will never see the real person that lies underneath it , those who are abused are the only ones who will ever really get to see the true person that abuses .

Those that are abused are even harder and more differcult to spot because it's a whole  life changing story that's very rarely openly shared whilst it's still happening  . That super confident amazing person at work who seems to know exactly what their doing and where their going in life could go home at the end of the day to a totally differant world that's full of abusive nightmares . They could be scared from the very minute they put yheir coat on and leave work and then automatically go into self protection mode all in preparation to face what ever horrors that live behind their closed front door .

If ever you do get the opportunity to speak to a survivor of abuse just watch very closely their body language and what they say when they discuss things that have happened to them . Everything will be done in a very calm clear collected matter of fact sort of way with no major dramatics and as they remember events you can almost see them reliving it all in their mind and replaying events in their eyes . There will be no dramas , no over acting and most deffinatly no attention seeking . all you will ever get told are the facts and only ever the bare harsh honest truth .

Some survivors are extremly lucky and come out reasonably sane ( I'd like to think I'm part of this very unique group maybe 🤔 )  meanwhile there are others who sadly can find life simply just far too hard and to want to continue with it anymore and this can be just how traumatic domestic abuse can really be  . 

Which ever one it is , the feelings and emotions you can be left with after domestic abuse can end up being just like a major attack from a group of Demenators that are mentioned in a best selling Harry Potter book by J. K Rowling and its going to take slightly more than just a bar of chocolate to make things feel better . There are unfortunately no magical remedies or potions and deffinatly no magic wand that can take away all the pain caused by an abuser . 

  The after effects can give you some amazingly brilliant bright sunshine days and then you can equally get some endlessly dark cloudy ones . Some days seem to be stupidly short with your list of things to do never getting finished and you wonder where all the time has gone and some can feel like the days are just dragging on like life is all in slow motion and it all feels like things take an entirety to do but you still just keep on going regardless . The side effects left after abuse are just something you strangly just get used to it all as time goes by  .

 Domestic abuse survivors are a rare but extremly tough special group of individuals , we have lived through all sorts of variouse forms attacks be it physical or emotional , we've come out the other side and we are constantly watching over our shoulder for any one who dares think they are brave enough to try to get away with it .  As the saying goes " What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger " and  I fully believe this to be true ( at least in my case anyway ) ,  personally I will never allow anyone to think they have the right to try to own me , control me or abuse me ever again .

Meanwhile the abuser will just simply carry on doing what they do best  , they will just keep moving on and find their next victim to abuse and control ( notice they will only ever ho gor people they think are weaker than themselves ) . They will never comprehend that their actions are not an exceptable way to live and they will never offer anyone a deep and meaningful apology for it either .

After effects.

I can't speak for others but I know the after effects must be similar once you escape from your abuser with its various ups and downs ..... 

You can have some amazingly great days where you feel your ready to rule the world standing on top of the tallest mountain shouting to the world what a beautifully fantastic day its going to be and then there's the opposite side when you have days where you just want to stay in bed , pull the cover back firmly over your head and wonder if anyone would really notice if you just magically disappeared or would they really care  . 

  Those horrible dark foggy days are not the best whatever you decide to call them ( depression , PTSD, black dog and all their other various names ) and yes everyone gets those sort of days at some point in life  but after you've spent a good few years being abused they tend to be a bit bigger , darker and a lot heavier . They have a nasty habit of being able to take over and smother you occasionly ( in the most severe cases it can even lead to suicide ) , they can take over your whole very existence and totally ruin your life and even a super hero won't be able to do very much about it  .

 Other people will always try their very best to help,  understand and care but when your brain is busy whirling round like a mad demented crazy washing machine on what feels like an everlasting spin cycle muddling up all your normally logical reasonably sane thoughts sometimes and there's not a lot anyone can really do to help untill those thoughts and feelings are all good and ready in their to start falling back into their normal place on their own and life can start getting back to some sort of relative normality . 

 Yes you can go to your nice local doctor and ask for some lovely little pills to help take it all away and yes it can help enormously but at the end of the day those pills will never be able to take away what the cause of it all was , that same monster that lives under your bed will still be there just watching and waiting to catch you out unexpectedly another time when you least expect it and the whole crazy thing will happen again . 

Can talking to other people help ?.... 

Absolutly I honestly think it can but it still doesn't completely change the way your thinking or feeling at the time when the heavy clouds decend and you feel totally overtaken by the darkness , you may be surrounded by hundreds and thousands of other people but you can still feel very much alone . There are many various  brilliant counsellors , therapists , doctors and others out there that can/ will help you and yes of course please contact one if you feel it may help because that's exactly what their there for or find a very trusted friend or a special confidant and share a coffee or tea just simply talking . If you think talking to a totally random stranger may help you then just check out my blog email in my profile  ( I won't ever pretend to have all the answers but sometines it's better to put it all on the outside rather than keeping it in dont you think ? 🤔 ) .

  I now count myself extremly lucky and very thankful that I rarely have one of those horrible grotty days and that when it does happen my own various shades of grey don't get nearly as dark and scary as they used to be . I'm by nature an upbeat positive thinking optimistic kind of person but even I can get the odd bad day unexpectedly when I least expect it and when these do happen I can now hear my mothers voice in my head telling me  " get your finger out and get on with it girl ! " so I force myself to put my crown back on straight , pull my socks back up and put a smile on ready to face whatever the day might bring even if the stuff on the inside is still having a major disagreement with its self . The smile may sometimes be a forced fake one but at least I'm still trying to smile ( most days its very real of course ) 😊 .

  Unfortunately there is and never will be a fast and simple answer or magical cure for depression but those with it should always try to remember that they are not and never will be alone with their dark days , this is where your most valued trusted friends come into play and personally I would never be where I am today without mine ( they know who they are 😏 )  . Sometimes just sitting next to someone who cares without actually saying a single word can mean a great deal to someone else who may need it  .

 Today might be the darkest dismal day for you but it could be the most outstanding beautiful sunny day tomorrow 😎 .

    

  

Recovery .

 Now my story's been told and its hopefully being read by other people out there in the big wild world ......

The next question is " what do I do next ?" ....... so after a good night's sleep and a bit of a think over a cuppa I've decided to keep on going talking/writing about domestic abuse ,

 the after effects and the help that's out there because even if just one person reads my rambling words and thinks " OMG !! that sounds just like me " then it will all be worth it .

 I won't pretend to have all the right answers but theres one garrented thing I can promise and that is that I will listern and be there . I have found just doing the simple thing of just talking to someone else can take the massive weight of being domestically abused off of a persons shoulders and that's my whole purpose behind continuing with all of this . 

 Telling the very first person is the tricky part but it honestly does get easier each and every time , I've got to admit that even though I'm always very open and honest about what happened to me it's the " he was domestically abusive to me " bit that's always the hardest part to say but once that's all out the way the rest just naturally flows out , I'm never entirely sure if it all sounds rather over the top and dramatic when I say it out loud to other people but it is what it is and I'll keep on saying it and if people want to know more I'll keep on telling them .

  

  Domestic abuse can come in many different shapes and forms some physically violent and some emotionally damaging both can leave their mark but it's not always visible . Physical bruises may heal but the mental bruises and scars can go on for some people eternally but talking outlook to some else can be the first step to recovery . 

  Domestic Abuse can happen to absolutly anyone be they male,  female , gay , straight , black , white , rich , poor or even Famous . It's been happening for hundreds of years and unfortunately it will sadly continue to do so for even more .

  I've never and will never understand why someone feels the need to hurt or injure someone else just because they can't control their temper ( don't ever believe a temper cant be controlled because its just a very lame and feeble excuse when it comes to abuse ) or because they want to get their own way .   

  For a start abuse to men is very rarely spoken about , be it shame or male pride that gets in the way I don't really know but everyone is equal when it comes to being abused and the aftercare should be equal too . The men out there tend to keep it all to themselfs and don't share what is or has been happening to them and that must be really incredibly tough going for them . It's hard and tough enough for women to discuss things like this too but in a strange way it seems to be even harder for the boys to do it  , their defensive barriers go up and some just suffer in total silence .

Why is it OK for a woman to hit back with another woman when trying to defend herself but if a guy dares to do it he can instantly be arrested for violence ?  It's all wrong on so many levels ( not just  the violence but the treatment and aftercare too ) I'm not saying it's OK for anyone to hit back with anyone else but its just an example how men and women can be treated completly differently . I've heard of loads of examples where the man is instantly blamed and questioned by police after a domestic abuse incident but the real female culprit is laughing and getting away with it all . 

Things need to change big time  !!!!

  A few years ago I was completely and utterly gobsmacked to discover just how few male refuges there really were in England for example the nearest one to the south east of England at the time was in Wales !!!  Yet a women's refuge can be in the next town to where she lives  , absolutely true and absolutely not fair , what happened to Sexual equality  ? I would like to think things have improved since then but there's no garrentee . Do you know where your nearest male refuge could be ?

Be honest with yourself who would you want to believe more the husband or the wife if you discovered domestic abuse was going on in a relationship ?.........exactly and thats my whole point . Its still after all these years very one sided which might be one of the many reasons the men out there don't tend to bother to speak up much about it and to be honest you can't really blame them for that if this is the sort of aftercare they might get offered .

    Why should a dad have to fight sometimes for years in court to try to gain custody of his own children and go through various hoops in order to prove his a good father when its the mum who is the abusive aggressive one in the first place ? and she automatically gets custody of the children ! Yet if it was the other way round mum and children get all the help and advice , police are called and husband/partner arrested straight away and very few questions asked .

Why are dad's not given the same rights as a mother to their own children  ?... 

 why should the men be the ones that have to suffer when an abusive relationship goes wrong and they were the innocent party ?...

Why are they the ones thst are automatically blamed and not believed ?....

 None of it makes any logical sense really does it and  that's because things need to change dramatically .

   So this is for all the guys out there who have either gone through it or are still in the middle of it ....... yes there really honestly is help out there for you when you feel ready to find it  . Never forget there really are people out there who will listern to you , believe you , and understand exacly what your going through , they can/will try to do their very best to help you . I may not have all the answers that might be needed but if you need a friendly trusted person to talk, scream or swear to just look in my profile and you'll find my blog email ( 100% confidential and without any blame or  criticism given ) 😊 . 

The road back for all domestically abused victims regardless of who they are can be a bit rough and bumpy at times but just keep on traveling on it and you will get to where you want to be eventually . Your golden future is just around the next corner so why not start the journey. 

   

  

My story Part 12 .

 So there you have it , my 28yrs of Domestic Abuse story all bundled up and squashed into lots of  small managable parts ........ 

It doesn't seem like a lot really does it when it's all written down and you read it , it certainly doesn't come across as that major life changing traumatic or horrific but trust me on the outside I may come over as a strong, confident no shit taking kind of girl but on the inside there's still some inner healing to be done but I'd like to think I'm getting there 😊 . 

My self belief had a bit of a major battering but even that is improving more each and every day , it can't be all that bad if I'm fully prepared to discuss my dismal past with complete strangers on here .

 I still have the odd random down day where all I just want to do is to dig a dirty great big hole somewhere and then climb into it but it's never nearly as bad as it used to be and it never lasts that long nowadays , thankfully . When they do happen I simply just put it down to it just being one of those days and I'm sure their not that much differant to the ones everyone else has occasionly. 

 I have never been a great fan of arguments or confrontations and I always try to avoid them if possible but equally I am not afraid to now give as good as I get when pushed to the utter extreme and I'm now more than capable to fully kick arse back if required . I've never been much of violent person either but I now make sure no one will ever have the opportunity think they can control or own me again . 

Unfortunatly I do think I'm stuck now with being slightly jumpy at the smallest slightest thing or sound but at least I can now laugh about it when it happens and just see it for what it is ....me just being a jumping jack firework  😊 .

There are two things I've apprently gained afterwards and their both something I was never really aware of . One is a new found glow and the other is my smile , people have mentioned this on more than one occasion and I now have both perminatly and by all accounts they really suit me 😊 .

I'm still none the wiser as to why my now ex is the way he is or why he thinks its the correct way to treat someone who you are supposed to care about but what I do know is he is still doing it even now to someone else and leaving a trail of deflated egos behind him ,  in fact I'm now in contact with some of his exs and we have some great chats and laughs comparing notes . It's been great therapy for all concerned and we're all now good friends . 

Do they really truly love who ever they are with at the time I've no idea but by the time old age creeps up with him I hope he looks back and wonders why or how on earth he ended up being all sad and lonely ( which I'm fairly certain he will be ) . 

   Personally I don't think I've done too bad for someone who was supposed to be " fat , useless and ugly " , I have a great job I still love doing  , I help run my new partners construction business  and I not only have a great bunch of totally trusted outstanding brilliant friends now but I'm also lucky enough to now be back in contact with a few who I used to know many years ago before it all started . I now get to go out for an evening when and where I want and wearing whatever I want and all done without worrying about what could happen if I came home a bit later than planned ( in fact its now positively encouraged 🤣) .  Life now is exactly the it should be , there's laughter fun and endless calmness . No longer are there the daily anxiety moments and deffinatly no more trying to predict the next hour or minute . You don't tend to realise just how valuable your sanity is untill someone else cruelly tries to take it all away from you . 

My kids have somehow and by some minor miracle managed to come out from the dark side they once had to silently tolerate and they have found that they too can now be reasonably intact confident people in their own unique special way and most importantly I've now found someone who actually loves me for who I am and not what they think they want me to be .

  As I've said before if I can do all of this so can anyone else , there's only one thing stopping you and that is yourself  , so why not be brave and take that first daredevil jump towards your freedom . Its scary and happy all at the same time but the inner peace that can be gained from it deffinatly outweighs everything else that's negative .   

   Just simply take a deep breath and jump , your friends and family will be your safety net !!!

   

  

  

My story Part 11.

 Now this is when the fun and excape to freedom really begins ........ 

Like I said in my previouse post my confidence was quickly returning back to me and I was also rapidly coming out of my very long 28 year domestic abusive hibernation . 

One day at the end of January 2015 I decided out of the blue ( although it had all been building up in my mind over time )  I couldn't and wouldn't do it or put up with it anymore so I very calmly took my engagement ring off and informed my abuser they had 1 month to find somewhere else to live or else I'd go to the police and tell them everything including his pathetic and feeble threats about his saying he would  kill me if I ever left him ( In my case I knew it was weak because he was to much of a scardy cat  to do anything like that to me but in some cases it can be very horrifically all to real )  , emotionally abuse had just been classed as a crime now in England ( about time too )  and that I'm sure that they would really love to hear all about him and the not very nice things he we had been doing  . 

This of course wasn't exactly what was expected to come from me and he tried very hard in telling me I was completely wrong and that I was being totally ridiculous .

My answer was that maybe he should try checking it all out when his next online and whilst he was at it check out the possible sentance he could recieve if he was proven to be guilty .

 I think he honestly thought I'd back down within a couple of days , change my mind and stop being so silly and dramatic but I was now a whole lot stronger than I ever used to be and I stuck very firmly to my guns no matter what he tried to say or do to try to convince me otherwise .

Would I of really gone to the police and reported him if he hadn't of gone ?....

I honestly don't know but him thinking I could gave me some sort of super power over him and him just thinking I possibly could was obviously enough for him to decide maybe its was a  wiser decision to go rather than stay . 

 Luckily because of making sure my name had always gone on various paperwork when it came to various homes we had lived in over the years ,  I double checked and yes the place could still be all mine when he left just as long as I could raise the money to keep on living there ( which I did and still do to this day ) . He tried his very best to make things seriously awkward and differcult by asking for half the deposit back and he was promptly told it couldn't be done so he then tried to cancel the tenancy but what he didn't know was that I'd already been there and explained everything to them ( even about the abuse I'd received ) and as far as they were concerned me and the kids were perfectly safe and could all still live there so a new contract was quickly drawn up and only I needed to sign it .

 The ex finally packed all his things after a month or so along with a few other things I later discovered that didn't actually belong to him and he left thinking in his own sweet twisted warpped little mind that being that I was " fat , useless and ugly " I wouldn't possibly stand a chance of doing anything on my own , let alone surviving but I of course knew much much better. 

Because the ex was trying to be what he thought was really clever at the time he  had cancelled the home phone line ( discovered that little supprise when I tried to make a call one day ) but I would just simply borrow the phone at the shop I volunteered at to sort everything out when I needed to and I had a few very raw honest conversations to various people to get the help I needed to start again all on my own  . 

   I honestly completly surprised myself that I had not only gained my freedom  , had gotten the engagement ring promptly sold for for scrap ( asked the children first but they didn't want it either ) but I had also arranged getting help with the rent  , sorted out an energy supplier and arranged all the other things needed to live in the house all by myself  and I had actually got myself a mobile phone contract !! 

 I did go through a brief spell of going to look for something I thought I needed only to discover it had obviously moved house without me but I learnt over time to see it all as " just stuff " and stuff can always be replaced . 

I even got to have my first highly succeful Girls night out in years !!!!!! 🤣

  If your reading all of this and thinking to yourself I couldn't possibly do it then your wrong , all you have to do is be honest and ask for help , there are some amazing people and various groups out there to help and support domestic abuse victims they will guide you at your own pace and catch you when you fall .

 Just because your not physically hit by someone it doesn't mean it doesn't count as  abuse , emotional abuse is just as bad . Male or female its all still abuse . It's not an impossible thing to escape from as I discovered , it isn't always an easy decision to make but personally I feel its one one of the greatest decisions you can ever make in your life . 

If the flowers in the garden can bloom regardless of the weather then so can you and you are free to travel your life's journey whatever way you decide.

My story Part 10 .

  I had succsesfully managed to some how convince my now ex that 3 children of different sexs couldn't possibly share the same bedroom for ever...

 So we moved again to a bigger place . He never really bothered to check the place out properly until the day we actually moved in but as long as the telly worked to watch football I don't think he really cared . 

One of the cats that were never allowed indoors for some reason was moved and left to find its own bearings outside in the new garden but the other one that was part of a birthday present for child No1 had to be unfortunately left behind because he didn't want them both to come ( no reason given just that he didn't want it there ) . 

To his complete and utter delight he discovered that there was a lovely great big hedge about 6ft tall in the front garden which meant no one could possibly see us from the outside , there was even a massive fence in the bottom of the back garden too ( both happily no longer there now ) . 

One thing I'm endlessly grateful for is that I've always made sure that my name was put on any paperwork when ever we moved and it would prove to be a added bonus later on .

  Life went on just as it had before but he was getting even worse over time and the more insecure he felt the worse the tantrums would become  . 

 The sulks got bigger , the temper tantrums increased , the controlling was upgraded and the daily put downs continued . I noticed it was all getting even worse as the kids grew older and he started to talk about a child No4  . I promptly made the decision at this point to make sure he couldn't hide things again and went to my doctors and sorted something out , this decision of course didn't go down well with at all with him as it meant I'd actually dared to do something without his approval or permission and he'd had no control over that part of me anymore . 

  Child No3 started school and I then had what I thought was an incredibly brilliant bright  idea of volunteering at a local charity shop in order to help get myself a reference and work experience for when I finally needed to start working again . I  remember starting and being as nervous as hell due to my severe lack of confidence and I  refused at first to go anywhere near the shop floor to begin with and just wanting to stay in the background sorting donations out but thanks to the great people working there my confidence began to slowly grow and within 4yrs I became not only a key holder but also unofficial deputy manager plus I gained 3 NVQs ( for those who dont know their a form of English qualification ) . 

Not bad for a fat , useless and ugly person I think 😊 !!!!!!. 

He was yet again not particularly happy with what I was doing at this time , how dare I actually have a life he didn't or couldn't control and that didn't revolve entirely around him !!!!! 

He kindly informed me on several occasions that everybody and anybody had NVQs ( he didn't have one for a start ) , who did I think I was pretending I knew what I was doing ?... and did I not know that everyone was laughing at me ? ....

No way was any of this rubbish streaming out of his mouth going to put me off doing what I was doing  , I had discovered I wasn't as stupid as I was being lead to believe and I was actually pretty damn good at what I was doing .

Obviously I must of been having affairs left , right and centre during the daytime I was there ( including one with a gay, deaf twenty year old lad ! ) because " why else would I want to spend so much time there ? " Was his favourite comment but I kept on going even though I knew sometimes I would return  home to the dreaded killer silence and a list of never ending questions .

  As you can tell the worm was now begining to slowly and  successfully turn and I was becoming a much stronger person by the day and my inner strength was rapidly returning , I had begun to start standing my ground and started saying No ! occasionly , he hated every single minute now I was becoming the independent person I used to be . I actually had some friends , I now had my own bank account ( nothing in it but I had one ) and I wasn't keeping quite anymore when he had one of his temper tantrums .

He then started buying himself some new more modern clothes and spending a lot more time going on the Internet  ( I later discovered some of it was on dating web sites )  . He started doing his own washing which was a little strange considering I'd been doing it all for all those years and then oddly buying himself his own hoover ( we already had a  decent working one in the cupboard ) . I think all this was supposed to some how make me feel jealous or something but it all had gave me was the opposite effect . 

I had begun to realise he actually needed me more than I had ever really needed him .  I really didn't care less what he was up to , his apprent quick trips to the nearest supermarket that could take hours ( its barely a five minute walk away ) or his smirk when he was sending someone a message just made me laugh because I knew what he was trying to do and it wasn't going to work on me now  .

My story Part 9 .

  I stupidly thought being pregnant with child No3 would be easy just like the other two were but I was wrong big time.......

 I had started to become extremely and unusually for me depressed about the smallest slightest little silliest thing . I clearly remember thinking one day whilst I was sat there in my own that maybe I should just take a nice little stroll up the road to where the motorway bridge was and nobody would notice I'd actually gone or even miss me but I thankfully managed to talk myself out of it ,  still scares the S$#t out of me when I think about it now ( plus I'm not a great fan of heights so I proberly wouldnt have had the nerve to jump anyway ) . 

I can honestly say it was not my best pregnancy , the baby may of been fine but I certainly wasn't . My mind was most deffinatly not my own at this particular time and some of the thoughts I was having were certainly not your normal healthy ones . 

Even the regular scan that every mother to be has at sometime in their pregnancy to check how everything was doing didn't go down that well either , for some strange random reason or other he wasn't speaking to me yet again that day so we left home in total silence and he kept that silence going all the way through it ( God knows what the poor midwife must of thought about it ) , he didn't ask any questions or make any comments but just sat there with a face like a dogs bum watching everything going on and  then it just carried on that way for the rest of the day . Thankfully everything was fine with the baby and no of course I didn't mention having my unusual crazy dark down days to anyone , I just simply kept it all to myself just like I always did . 

This time round I felt the entire pregnancy just slowly dragged by and I had none of the normal nesting instincts that mums to be normally get. How much of what I was feeling at the time was just me being pregnant , his soul destroying emotional abuse or just a combination of recent events I don't know but what I did know was just how much I hated every single minute of it and I promised myself I'd never let myself feel that weird depressive way ever again if I could possibly help it . 

  Baby No3 was born all safe and sound , I was now being supermum dealing with doing school runs , book reading , school homework , looking after the house and trying really hard not to have one of those dark days whilst looking after two young children and a new born baby .

 Surprise , surprise......  he didn't like the fact that I was now giving the children more attention than I was giving him so the big sulks started up again worse than ever and I was now told I was not only Fat , useless and ugly but I was seriously f#£%ing lazy as well .

 Trying to tell a major control abusive freak that he might have to wait a couple weeks after someone gives birth before he could have sex again didn't go down that well at all but he did at least give me a little break from it for a while so I could manage to get some sleep when the baby slept at night . I was still having the random odd down days but I think I was kept too busy to let it really get to me that much and even when I did feel a bit bad there was no point in telling him because he'd only laugh and tell me I had " serious issues " . 

 It was roughly around this time I began to notice that Child No2 could possibly be Dyslexic/discalcular so I had a few words with their school and got all the appropriate tests done and of course my maternal instincts were proved to be right , the ex however knew better of course and decided that it wasn't that at all but just a simple case of them being a bit slow and stupid just like their mother was  (which he kindly let us all know on more than one occasion ) . Such a lovely thing to be told by your own father but that was just the very begining of things directed at the children .

  As you can probly tell he was now becoming even  worse with the spiteful comments , sulks , temper trantrums , controlling and general all round nastyness .  Random objects would now get thrown on the floor as part of his mighty hissy fits because I obviously wasn't understanding correctly whatever it was he was trying to tell me ( basically I wasn't doing as I was told yet again ) and the more frustrated he got the louder he became . The children heard and saw almost everything and would either make an excuse to go to another room or would just sit there quietly pretending they couldn't see or hear anything but I always knew they could . How much they remember of it I will never know but what I do know is they now have their own unique individual versions of PTSD because of it . I count myself incredibly lucky all 3 seem to take after me more than their father and none of them appear to have that need to control the world genetic thing in them .

This chapter of the abuse was the toughest and darkest  , the thoughts in my head weren't my own normal logical ones and every single day was like walking on serious very scarey thinnest of ice . The cracks in the ice were getting even bigger by the day and the thoughts in my head weren't that much  better either .

   

My story Part 8 .

  I've been delaying this part because it's the begining of the serious dark scary stuff (even walking the dog in icey cold rain in mid winter seemed a better alternative)....

 It had got to the point I think that I was almost immune to most of the abuse and just excepted it as the norm .

 It's taken a good few years for me to realise that it was all wrong on so many endless levels and sex even if you've given permission can still be classed as rape if you've been emotionally blackmailed into it ( still getting my head round that one) and this I had to put up with several times a week . 

 The previous stuff has been relatively easy to write but this one is taking a lot longer due to so many thoughts and memories to plough through , put into some sort of order and that in turn means even more questions to to find answers for .

   I think it was the phone call that triggered the next upgrade in the abuse . It was from my mum telling me she had finally been diagnosed with terminal Cancer after being tested for various other things .  This then led to me dividing my time between doing the school run , looking after child No2 and going to see my mum . To show his compasion , care  and support I began to get big sulks thrown my way because he felt I wasn't giving him nearly enough attention ( how dare I put my dying mother before him ! ) . 

 Personally I'd never recommend to anybody to help organise their own mothers wedding and funeral in the same month and it was the begining of an extremely dark lonely period of time for me . 

To be fair he did manage to take a couple of hours off from work to go to the wedding with his lovely new video camera and he took the only recording of the wedding service that later moved house when he moved out and I've never seen it since ( but I did manage to file away the photos taken that day when he wasn't looking ) He did come to the funeral too but I'm sure that was only so he could see who I was speaking to anyone I shouldn't and that there really was one happening on that day .  

 Mum had certainly not been idle whilst she had been ill and she had sorted everything out perfectly on where she wanted everything to go and to who  . Of course the bulk was headed in the direction of my siblings and myself and if you think back I still didn't  have a bank account so all the money went into his and I apparently " only had to ask when I needed some ". 

To this day I still have no idea if I ever I got it all back or if some was siphoned off but I do remember that he was utterly disgusted I never offered him any large sums of it to buy random stuff he wanted and obviously I had to pay for a holiday and Christmas that year because it must of been my turn . 

I think this whole intensely  dismal foggy episode must of been the beginings of me very slowly waking up to the real world  although I didn't see it at the time . I had lost a little bit of weight ( I've never really been overweight anyway) and built up a nice small collection of decent new clothes and this of course wasn't going unnoticed and the comments soon started again about me having affairs. 

Child No2 had started school and he had another one of his perfect solution to all of our problems....... hide my contraceptive pills !! ( he later said he did it as a joke ) . 

  This now raises a really interesting question , if according to him I was frigid and never wanted it how on earth was I ever going to conceive let alone have all those endless affairs ?  The answers easy , you just simply emotionally blackmail the other person into it . You simply make life as uncomfortable, awkward and as differcult as possible , you tighten up the purse strings even more than they were before and then instantly expect to get what you want with no affection , kisses or foreplay and then when you've finished you simply just get to go back downstairs to watch the football leaving the other person to wonder WTF !! had just happened ( can't possibly imagine why I never really wanted it with him , let alone from anyone else ? 🤔 ).  

Another major big mistake made by myself was giving in the first time , once its started it didn't stop in fact it only got worse . I would lay awake most nights dreading the slightest sound on the stairs and listening for when everything downstairs was switched off ( on a really good night the football was still left on so he could still hear it upstairs ! ) , even pretending to be asleep didn't work after a while because I'd only get sworn at and pushed around until I " woke up again ".  

  Somehow I did manage to get pregnant again but that led unfortunately to a very early miscarrage and naturally all the blame fell on me because " I obviously didn't want it in the first place so I deserved it ". A few months later came succes and we were expecting child no3 .

  This time roud I had the most oddest peculier unlike me feelings going on mentally , a sort of being in a fuzzy bubble looking out kind of feeling . I was my normal happy go lucky self to everyone else on the outside but when I was on my own it felt like I was somewhere distant , lost and very very much alone.