Saturday, January 6, 2024

Congratulations and celebrations.


✨️ A big congratulations to myself for two very important life changing decisions !!!!!!! ✨️

At the end of this month 9 years ago I made the first major decision and because of that one decision my life is now beyond a major improvement , that decision was to end my endless dark 28 years of domestic abuse .
 Yes , It caused quite a few slightly large ripples (slightly being an understatment there ) and a certain person was most deffinatly not a happy bunny about it but as I said at the begining of all of these posts it was either he had to go or I'd have to leave in a box . There was the obviouse classic hissy fits , temper tantrums and spiteful words but I had grown so used to all of that over the years that none of it really bothered me much anymore . I simply could not continue trying to live under the gigantic heavy cloud of domestic abuse  anymore , my mission at that particular period in time  was to get the control back of my own individual life and after several brutally honest phone calls to get help and advice and asking a few favours from good friends I had somehow managed to keep along the way I started travelling on my bumpy road of recovery and sunshine was slowly coming back into my life once again .

   I would be lying if I said it was super easy but looking back now it really wasn't nearly as differcult or complicated as I had originally thought it might be , Yes , deffinatly scary but that's only because I was still in the belief and mind set that I was complely worthless and useless ( if your told you are long enough then you start to believe you must be ) but once that snow ball started to roll along all myself belief and inner strength just grew bigger and bigger almost every single day .
 The grey heavy clouds that come with domestic abuse slowly began to lift and my days have become brighter ever since . Refusing to not allow all those gloomy thoughts and feelings to continue festing in my life proved to be one of the most positive things I have ever done ( apart from having my children of course ) .
My Story of domestic abuse  will always stay with me in the background but I now no longer hide behind the sofa from it and I'll carry on regardless shouting out loud about it ....

 I am a domestic abuse survivor and I'm extremly proud of it !!!!!

My second life changing decision started as a purely selfish act but it's sort of just adapted and grown into what it is today. 
 Three years ago I first started putting down my story of domestic abuse, I felt I needed at the time to put it all down somewhere in order to help clear some of the foggy cobwebs that insisted on lingering in the back of my mind . I put down my story then there was a bit of a long pause whilst I thought about what to do next and then I've continued on the positive aspect after tweaking it slightly in places and a little bit of editing .
  I knew from the start I would always do it as if I were talking to a friend and that it had to be written with total one hundred percent honesty  and above all else it had to start from the very first meeting in order for it to show how the abuse developed and grew overtime into what it eventually became .
  Reading some of it back now I'd like to think the writting has all improved as it's gone along , it's grown from not just being about my past domestic abuse experiences but also about how positive my life now is , this positivity I now try to spread and share all around . What started as just one thing has now begun to grow just like a seed and I can now also be found on Facebook , Instagram,  Threads , X and Quora and all for exactly the same purpose......that's to help others see surviving domestic abuse can be done .
It's most deffinatly been a unique journey reliving and remembering as much as I can , as you've probably seen if you've read any of my past experiences my domestic abuser was only ever emotionally , mentally and financially abusive along with the classic stopping me having as less contact as possible with family and friends ( plus a few other unpleasant things ) and looking back has helped enormously in helping me realise just what a fool I must of been for allowing it to continue for as long as it did . 
  You're absolutely right it doesn't read particularly that bad or that horrendous now it's all written down but when it's continually aimed in your direction for 28 extremely long years it does tend to tire you out just a bit ( note the typical english sarcasim used here ).
 I ended up actually believing I was "fat , usless and ugly " because I was told it almost every single day , my inner confidence in myself had been shot to pieces and there was I at the end of it with no or extremely little inner strengh left  .
  Today I now know I'm nowhere near as dumb as I was once lead to believe I was , I know none of what happened to me was even close to being my fault and actually I'm impressed with myself that I've manage to come out the other side reasonably sane,  level headed and the weird crazy bad dreams that were attached have almost ceased to exist .

 There are no more dark miserable clouds in my life anymore ( apart from the obvious weather type ones of course) and I'm actually quite enjoying living my life now 😊.
 I will be eternally grateful to all those that supported me , helped me and guided me along the way and to those that have read some or all of my previous stuff I say a massive big thank you .
  My days are now as full of as many happy warm fuzzy wuzzy sunshine moments and happy thoughts that I can squeeze into it , 
  My nine years of domestic abuse freedom has gone far too fast and I Iook forward to whatever comes along  my way in the future .
Please if your reading any of this and your going through your own personal domestic abuse nightmare then never say never to making the same sort of decision I once made and make your days worth living once again .


Monday, January 1, 2024

Something Special.


Special places are called that for a really good reason , we've all got one or maybe two but they all do the same thing......

 The images used today are all of mine and it's just a small simple classic ever unchanging English seaside town but that's exacly why I love it , you all know my passion for being outside regardless of the weather and this place is the one that garrented works for me everytime ( those who know me well enough will know exactly where it is but for those that don't well I'm sorry but it wouldn't be quite so special and secret if everyone knew where it was ) .

I first feel in love with the place when I young whilst on a family holiday way back in the mid 70s and from then on its called me back endless times , I've even taken my children there and they in turn love it there too . So what makes it so special to me ?........

Because it has kept all my childhood secrets that were written in the sand for the tide to wash away and as I became older its kept all my darkest thoughts and dreams . Anything once spoken in a whisper or any longed for wishes made were swept up in a sea breeze never to be heard or seen again by anyone else , any secrets once told I know would be kept safely secret for all time . All of my dreams and happy ever afters are thanks to to the sand , sea and air held here .

When I was living through my darkestest dismal days of domestic abuse it was this place I saw when I closed my eyes at night , it was this place I used to visualise whilst I was in labour with all three of my children ( apprently I was just showing off not having any form of a painkiller for all three ) and most importantly it was the only place inside my head that my now domestic abusive ex could never get to take away from me  or use against me .

  He knew how strongly I felt about this place but he couldn't move it away or change how I felt about it no matter how hard he tried , it was all mine and I will never surrender it to anyone . The photos used today are all my own and none really don't do it nearly enough justice but whilst writting this today all the warmth and happy days spent there are rushing back and it still makes me smile even on this slightly soggy day to remember it all ( why is it always warm and sunny when I picture it in my mind 🤔 ).

 Perfect endless sunny summer days spent on the sandy beach , collecting different  interesting shells , bits of drift wood and for some strange reason trying to dig down as far as I could go became my eagerly awaited annual holiday , swimming in the sea was garrented event no matter how cold it felt to begin with and then of course there was always the classic Fish and Chips that seemed to taste even better when eaten straight out the paper whilst sitting on the sea wall .

 Wintertime it's full of its all powerful gusts of extremly strong wind , there's cold hands , windswept hair and wrapping up warm always a garrentee but its still glorious for clearing those all too messed up cobwebs from a foggy mind . The sea proving just how masterful it can really be on a December day with its roaring waves and leaving the taste of salt in the air .

 Now you've met my perfect place , where's yours ?....

 Everyone has one  , it's that place you can transport or time travel yourself back to in your dreams at any time , it's that place where you feel safe and be at peace with yourself , it's that place you will never forget and the place that will always mentally protect you , I've spoken about happy places before and it's sort of the same thing but not nearly quite as special .

  Those that have been domestically abused sometimes need that special place in their minds to escape to when needed , most people have a place like that but to an abuse victim it can be the only thing that keeps them sane . If your in this positions then try it , think of that place that inwardly makes you smile and focus on it , slow your breathing right down and concentrate on it .  Not always an easy thing to do granted when all around is going crazy but try it afterwards when your poor brain is trying to process all those recent events it can somtimes help to clear the muggy thoughts a bit and clear your thinking  .

  Every single tiny detail needs to be replayed , every single shop , lamp post , seagull and pebble or whatever it is carefully placed in the picture perfectly all ready to be viewed in your mind when needed and then when the abuser starts all over yet again it's there in the background of your mind ready to surround its self around you like a warm comfy blanket ready to protect your inner self .

   Close your eyes and picture your place and I bet you will see each and every tiny little detail , how you use those thoughts and feelings is a totally individual one but mine helped save me on many an occasion .  Is it a form of meditation or self therapy I don't know but it certainly works for me and I hope it works it's magical spell on others . It can take a little practise to begin with but trust me it's worth evey second when you start doing it . 

Do I still feel the same about my special place now I'm free of my Abuser ?....

  Yes absolutely without question  !!!!!!!!!







Risk Factor.

  Domestic abuse happens and thats a fact !!.... but what isn't a fact is that it doest matter if you manage to escape it or not. the ri...