Thursday, October 12, 2023

Changes .


A domestic abusive relationship can contain a whole lot of variouse changes for all those involved in it .......

  The abuser changes from the caring , loving, and amazing person you thought you knew into something from a horror movie.

  It all starts very slow and gradually even to the point where you don't even notice it happening to you ,  those helpful ' constructive criticisms " that you may get passed in your direction at the start can come with kind gentle looks and smiles and you'll only hear them on random occasions ( when your dressing up to go out somewhere for example) . You doubt your own actions, so you change your plan and use whatever loving advice you were offered .

 Over time you'll start to hear them more and more , all about silly little different things and those comments that were once spoken then start to turn into a louder raised voice and the helpful advice grows into sarcastic comments ( often done in front of others to make sure your nice and embarrassed ) . You begin to start to question your own decisions and believe that maybe you've been living life and doing things all the wrong way .

Then the shouting and accusations begin , everything you say or do is filled with accusations, and the person you once were is now no more, and you've become the anxious scared what could happen next person . You jump and do whatever is demanded of you because you know exactly what can happen if you don't .

  Now all the above all sounds totally crazy , why wouldn't you notice what's going on and do something about it, but it's really not that simple . Only someone who has been or is still there will know exactly what I mean . You get so wrapped up in thinking and believing it's all your fault, and you're the problem that you don't see that it's the one abusing with the issues and not you at all .

This is just how good domestic abusers are at what they do and why others end up being with them . A normal logical thinking person would avoid anyone that came over as slightly aggressive or domineering at the first meeting but that exactly how could domestic abusers can be , they don't want you to see what they're really like straight away or else there's no point in even beginning to talk to you .

Meanwhile the abused victim starts the relationship as the cheerful loving partner , their more than happy to do things that they may be asked to do , they are just in most cases so loved up that they have no idea what's about in store for them in the future. 

  The victim's personality starts to begin  to drain away without noticing it's happening , the way they act , speak, and even dress changes because they are trying so hard to make the other person happy that that they can't see that they may not be .  It's this person the domestic abuser really wants and not the person they first originally . They know no one would ever be with them if they knew what they were really like so they do what chameleons do and simply just change their colour to fit .

The person I once was is a lot different to who I am now . I used to be a lot less cautious and considerably more trusting back then , I was never very good at arguments and disagreements and I'd go out of my way to avoid them if possible,  I'd much rather sit down and discuss a problem rather than shout about it ( still do to a certain point ) but now thanks to my now ex domestic abuser and the unpleasant experience I had whilst with him I'm now considerable more stronger and fight back if its neeeded . 

  Do I miss the person I used to be ?....

 Maybe, but then I wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't lived through my 28 years of abuse and survived it . My survival has made me mentally stronger and ready to tackle what ever life or fate may decide to put in my direction , I now face things head on and there's no more brushing things under the carpet so they can't be seen  . 

 Everyone changes as they get older and wiser you might say but that part way deep inside doesn't really , it tends to stay the same no matter how much you might pretend it doesn't , you will always be the same except your principals and  attitude about living your life might change and develop . life is exacly what ever you make it and want it to be , granted you may have to adapt things a bit along the way but it's all yours so why not do thing's your way and not the way any domestic abuser wants .

I've no idea if whatever I'm posting on here or the other places is worth anything to anyone else or even sightly interesting but to me it's all been priceless ,  I wouldn't be as where I am now without being able to put all my seriously mixed up mess of thoughts down somewhere at the begining and although I can still remember every single horrendous moment of my past I now no longer let it fester and take over my world. 

  I know someone somewhere is reading it all along the way and I'm grateful for it , maybe it's helping someone and maybe its not but it's been a massive help to my recovery. 

As I've said many times before I always try to turn anything negative into a positive so let's end on this , the final picture is a recently taken one whilst enjoying all the delights an English Autumn can bring , its still warm enough to not need a coat or jumper  ( due to change very soon) and walking through all those delicious crunching golden brown leaves raises a garrented smile to myself every time 😊 .




Risk Factor.

  Domestic abuse happens and thats a fact !!.... but what isn't a fact is that it doest matter if you manage to escape it or not. the ri...