Saturday, February 24, 2024

How does your garden grow ?


After escaping from domestic abuse comes the almighty feeling of having a massive heavy weight lifted from your shoulders.......

   Once the burden has finally been removed the next bit is total panic !!! Why the panic ?....

  Realility kicks in, and you realise that yes you may be a free person but then what hell do you do next ?....


   You just stop ✋️,  then sit down and relax because you've just achieved a seriously major thing and the hardest part has just been done .  Whilst your catching your breath write down any questions you may need to ask to people who can help you and then search online for the contacts your going to need .

   I'd love to be able to write down all the brilliant groups and their phone numbers but unfortunatly different countries have different help- lines . Don't ever let the thought of starting that search scare you because once you either write that first Email or dial that first number everything just seems to become a whole lot easier as you go along .

   Think of it like the seasons changing , here in England we are really close to the beginning of Spring , the birds are waking up early and showing off with their morning songs and there's a few signs that the plants in my garden are slowly reaching their way up towards the sun .   

  Just like those newly emerging fresh shoots those first few days or weeks after breaking free for the abuse survivor can be a bit unnerving but it's now its nothing but constant  new strong growth . 

    I love watching how my plants seem to know exactly when it's time to restart their life , they take a slight risk everytime but as yet have never got it wrong or failed to amaze me with their colourful flowers ( the bees seem to appreciate it too ) , My job in their future life is  to make sure they don't become smothered by the overpowering weeds that want to turn everything ( just like the domestic abusers of this world ) .

  Yes this enormously positive optimistic thinking person is getting totally excited about all the fun and games awaiting me in the next coming months , I'm already mentally planning which plants will go where and will I have enough room to cram a few more in somewhere , there's the heaverly  anticipated heavenly fishing trips to look forward to and the odd random trip to the coast with vague excuses that it was a really good excuse to get some decent proper fish and chips .

    There's a glowing warm future just waiting for all domestic abuse survivors and trust me it's well worth the lost time that was spent trying to make do with what could be scrapped together when with an abuser . You all know how many ridicules years I wasted of my now much valued life in trying to live a life where I never really existed , those years I will never get back or repair damage done during them but the one most all important thing I can now do is share my story , support anyone that may need it and encourage others to go out there and enjoy what the world has to offer .


 I'm ever hopeful my positivity about life is highly contagious , I'll keep on posting about how outstanding life can be after domestic abuse and maybe fingers crossed I'm sparking something in someone elses mind that will take away those horrendous dark clouds that come with domestic abuse , the abused are never the crazy dreamers but the abused most certainly are .

  No one ever has the right to overtake , control or dominate another persons life and just like those weeds that try to raise their ugly little heads in my garden the good postives in life will over-rule them if needed .

    I think I've spoken before about the beautiful and perfect simple little Dandelion plant before , many see it as an over powering annoying weed but I don't, I see it as an amazing splash of much needed colour after winter and its also acts as one of the first ports of call for the Bumble bees that have newly awoken in my gardening world it has as much right to grow and live its life as another plant .  Just as the old saying goes " A weed is only a weed because its in the wrong place " ( that to a certain  point includes Domestic abusers ) .  If that humble bright sunshine yellow Dandelion can have such an amazing part to play in life then why can't any survivor of domestic abuse ?...

    Your absolutely right there is no reason why not .

     Life is never always easy ( and I wouldn't expect it to be either ) but it's what you put into it that really counts , if you insist on planting weeds then you'll never get the beauty of seeing nice flowers . 

   Those that domestically abuse only have weeds in their life and they will try to go out of their way to spread those weeds , they are the one's that waste their whole existence in a weed infested garden . 

 Now the next question is what do you want your garden to be like ?....

     My garden is as I now am and thats full of life  , regrowth and endless possibilities , any possible weeds that are there is because I decided they could be there and just like Mr Blackbird that's the very first to start his song in the morning I'm hoping to shout out to the world that this domestic abuse survivor is extremly proud to still be able to exist !!

  I remember all to well when someone else tried to rule my life and it was me that made that all powerful life changing decision to be my own boss in life and to de-weed my garden  .

   Never forget that just like any really good keen gardener everyone has the ability to adapt and change their garden in what ever way they see fit  , they decide on what goes where and whether to keep those cheerful Dandelion's . 









Thursday, February 22, 2024

Not Guilty.


Anyone that's been involved in any of the many forms of domestic abuse will at some point get all the blame thrown in their direction.....

 Nothing of course is the abusers fault or at least not in the eye of the abuser anyway and that's just yet another totally frustrating aspect of dealing with the world of domestic abuse. 

 Why abusers refuse to accept the blame for their own actions or ever except maybe just maybe their not as perfect as they like to think themselves to be is any ones guess .

Walking away from the darkness that is domestic abuse is hard enough but then you also become the innocent guilty party ( which doesn't make any sense at all really does it ?..) Abusers are experts in reversing all the blame and they will stand there hand on heart , tears in their eyes and wearing a deeply hurt expressions pleading their case and in some extreme cases they even try to blame their victim of domestic abuse . 

   Being blamed for past events is something that I'm fully qualified in , everything during my 28yrs in my past domestic abuse story has been spun , twisted and completely manipulated into a heart breaking sob story full of dramatic woe-is-me tales that is told by my now ex-abuser , some of it involves me having continuous affairs ( only slightly difficult considering I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or talk to anyone else ) and of course everything else was just rubbish I had either made up or lied about .

  One thing I've always prided myself in is my honesty about my abuse , I've gone out of my way to make it all sound as undramatic as possible ( only because I feel there's considerably worse cases out there ) and I've never fluffed it up or tried to make it fancy , I've never wanted others sympathy and I certainly don't speak about it or write about it to grab any attention . My original decision to put my experience down somewhere was a purely selfish action so I could put all of my crazy mixed up thoughts down somewhere in order to de-fuzz the crazy mixed up thoughts that had been going around my head just like a washing machine on a big spin cycle . None of it may contain much highly valued content but what it does have is the unseen support and peace of mind it can offer to others who are unfortunate enough to find themselves in a similar position .

  Yes, I'll hold my hands up high and say that I wasted far to many years believing that everything was my fault and that I must be humberly grateful for everything my abuser had ever done for me but then I woke up to the reality and although I know I may not be perfect ( but who is ?) I now know I was never as " fat , ugly and useless " as I was led to believe I once was . This particular domestic abuse survivor now flatly refuses  to ever go back in a situation like that ever again .

   Call it what ever you like ( but brain washing comes to mind ) domestic abusers will always use anything or anyone to reach their intended target and they will use whatever it takes to portray themselves as the innocent party .

  So we've now established that the abuser isn't quite as pure and innocent as they make themselves out to be and that they can become highly impressive Oscar award winning actors/actresses but that still doesn't stop the abused victim feeling guilty. 


                     Why feel guilty?....

Because the poor victim has had so many of their various normal logical thoughts and feelings mashed , squashed and smashed into submission. 

 Time is a most marvellous magical healer and over time the damage is slowly repaired ( maybe not 100% but enough to survive anyway ) . You start seeing the different colours in life and not just the endless shades of dismal grey , and the discovery that the whole blame lays in only one person's hands and that person is most positively not and never will be the abused victim .

 Without question all domestic abusers are guilty of all crimes commited !!!!

   Anyone that has ever read further into any of my other posts will know by now that I've already covered the whose to blame thing before but  it's a subject that needs to sometimes be repeated because that over powering feeling of guilt can't just disappear overnight . Maybe my endless words of not so important wisdom on my variouse posts are not bursting full of useful information but what they are overflowing with is my truthful experience of domestic abuse and that not only have I been there , seen it and done it but I've also most successfully survived the whole experience .

  There's endless emotions that connect with domestic abuse and most are not always the greatest , some are highly unpleasant and some can wipe away a person's very inner soul but never forget these emotions can always be detached and replaced with brand new and even better ones once the abuser has been evicted or left . 

  Never let those somtimes heavy feelings of guilt of " was it really me ? " overtake you or smother you because none of it is true , there's a ridiculous amount of confusion , uncertainty and answerable questions superglued to domestic abuse and I gave up long ago attempting to answer most of them .

  There is one true answer I can give and that's  a gigantic massive big NO !!!!  no-one else is ever guilty other than the abuser when it comes to domestic abuse  .

  Granted It can be a bit of a bit of a tricky thing to prove to anyone else but the most important thing is that the ones that have been abused start to believe that they are the innocent party and none of it was their fault no matter what they may of been told  .

 The common factor in domestic abuse is the abuser and their actions , they decided to make the decision to abuse someone , they hit out either emotionally or physically and they made it their mission to attempt to control another human beings life so how does that all become the abused victims fault ? ...

      If your having those " it wasnt me , was it ?  " thoughts or any other of those self doubt moments creeping in then please take my advice and don't ever believe any of it !!!







Perfect imperfection

     According to all the domestic abusers in this world everyone else is utterly and completely useless , pathetic , and hopeless , worthle...