Recovery .

 Now my story's been told and its hopefully being read by other people out there in the big wild world ......

The next question is " what do I do next ?" ....... so after a good night's sleep and a bit of a think over a cuppa I've decided to keep on going talking/writing about domestic abuse ,

 the after effects and the help that's out there because even if just one person reads my rambling words and thinks " OMG !! that sounds just like me " then it will all be worth it .

 I won't pretend to have all the right answers but theres one garrented thing I can promise and that is that I will listern and be there . I have found just doing the simple thing of just talking to someone else can take the massive weight of being domestically abused off of a persons shoulders and that's my whole purpose behind continuing with all of this . 

 Telling the very first person is the tricky part but it honestly does get easier each and every time , I've got to admit that even though I'm always very open and honest about what happened to me it's the " he was domestically abusive to me " bit that's always the hardest part to say but once that's all out the way the rest just naturally flows out , I'm never entirely sure if it all sounds rather over the top and dramatic when I say it out loud to other people but it is what it is and I'll keep on saying it and if people want to know more I'll keep on telling them .

  

  Domestic abuse can come in many different shapes and forms some physically violent and some emotionally damaging both can leave their mark but it's not always visible . Physical bruises may heal but the mental bruises and scars can go on for some people eternally but talking outlook to some else can be the first step to recovery . 

  Domestic Abuse can happen to absolutly anyone be they male,  female , gay , straight , black , white , rich , poor or even Famous . It's been happening for hundreds of years and unfortunately it will sadly continue to do so for even more .

  I've never and will never understand why someone feels the need to hurt or injure someone else just because they can't control their temper ( don't ever believe a temper cant be controlled because its just a very lame and feeble excuse when it comes to abuse ) or because they want to get their own way .   

  For a start abuse to men is very rarely spoken about , be it shame or male pride that gets in the way I don't really know but everyone is equal when it comes to being abused and the aftercare should be equal too . The men out there tend to keep it all to themselfs and don't share what is or has been happening to them and that must be really incredibly tough going for them . It's hard and tough enough for women to discuss things like this too but in a strange way it seems to be even harder for the boys to do it  , their defensive barriers go up and some just suffer in total silence .

Why is it OK for a woman to hit back with another woman when trying to defend herself but if a guy dares to do it he can instantly be arrested for violence ?  It's all wrong on so many levels ( not just  the violence but the treatment and aftercare too ) I'm not saying it's OK for anyone to hit back with anyone else but its just an example how men and women can be treated completly differently . I've heard of loads of examples where the man is instantly blamed and questioned by police after a domestic abuse incident but the real female culprit is laughing and getting away with it all . 

Things need to change big time  !!!!

  A few years ago I was completely and utterly gobsmacked to discover just how few male refuges there really were in England for example the nearest one to the south east of England at the time was in Wales !!!  Yet a women's refuge can be in the next town to where she lives  , absolutely true and absolutely not fair , what happened to Sexual equality  ? I would like to think things have improved since then but there's no garrentee . Do you know where your nearest male refuge could be ?

Be honest with yourself who would you want to believe more the husband or the wife if you discovered domestic abuse was going on in a relationship ?.........exactly and thats my whole point . Its still after all these years very one sided which might be one of the many reasons the men out there don't tend to bother to speak up much about it and to be honest you can't really blame them for that if this is the sort of aftercare they might get offered .

    Why should a dad have to fight sometimes for years in court to try to gain custody of his own children and go through various hoops in order to prove his a good father when its the mum who is the abusive aggressive one in the first place ? and she automatically gets custody of the children ! Yet if it was the other way round mum and children get all the help and advice , police are called and husband/partner arrested straight away and very few questions asked .

Why are dad's not given the same rights as a mother to their own children  ?... 

 why should the men be the ones that have to suffer when an abusive relationship goes wrong and they were the innocent party ?...

Why are they the ones thst are automatically blamed and not believed ?....

 None of it makes any logical sense really does it and  that's because things need to change dramatically .

   So this is for all the guys out there who have either gone through it or are still in the middle of it ....... yes there really honestly is help out there for you when you feel ready to find it  . Never forget there really are people out there who will listern to you , believe you , and understand exacly what your going through , they can/will try to do their very best to help you . I may not have all the answers that might be needed but if you need a friendly trusted person to talk, scream or swear to just look in my profile and you'll find my blog email ( 100% confidential and without any blame or  criticism given ) 😊 . 

The road back for all domestically abused victims regardless of who they are can be a bit rough and bumpy at times but just keep on traveling on it and you will get to where you want to be eventually . Your golden future is just around the next corner so why not start the journey. 

   

  

My story Part 12 .

 So there you have it , my 28yrs of Domestic Abuse story all bundled up and squashed into lots of  small managable parts ........ 

It doesn't seem like a lot really does it when it's all written down and you read it , it certainly doesn't come across as that major life changing traumatic or horrific but trust me on the outside I may come over as a strong, confident no shit taking kind of girl but on the inside there's still some inner healing to be done but I'd like to think I'm getting there 😊 . 

My self belief had a bit of a major battering but even that is improving more each and every day , it can't be all that bad if I'm fully prepared to discuss my dismal past with complete strangers on here .

 I still have the odd random down day where all I just want to do is to dig a dirty great big hole somewhere and then climb into it but it's never nearly as bad as it used to be and it never lasts that long nowadays , thankfully . When they do happen I simply just put it down to it just being one of those days and I'm sure their not that much differant to the ones everyone else has occasionly. 

 I have never been a great fan of arguments or confrontations and I always try to avoid them if possible but equally I am not afraid to now give as good as I get when pushed to the utter extreme and I'm now more than capable to fully kick arse back if required . I've never been much of violent person either but I now make sure no one will ever have the opportunity think they can control or own me again . 

Unfortunatly I do think I'm stuck now with being slightly jumpy at the smallest slightest thing or sound but at least I can now laugh about it when it happens and just see it for what it is ....me just being a jumping jack firework  😊 .

There are two things I've apprently gained afterwards and their both something I was never really aware of . One is a new found glow and the other is my smile , people have mentioned this on more than one occasion and I now have both perminatly and by all accounts they really suit me 😊 .

I'm still none the wiser as to why my now ex is the way he is or why he thinks its the correct way to treat someone who you are supposed to care about but what I do know is he is still doing it even now to someone else and leaving a trail of deflated egos behind him ,  in fact I'm now in contact with some of his exs and we have some great chats and laughs comparing notes . It's been great therapy for all concerned and we're all now good friends . 

Do they really truly love who ever they are with at the time I've no idea but by the time old age creeps up with him I hope he looks back and wonders why or how on earth he ended up being all sad and lonely ( which I'm fairly certain he will be ) . 

   Personally I don't think I've done too bad for someone who was supposed to be " fat , useless and ugly " , I have a great job I still love doing  , I help run my new partners construction business  and I not only have a great bunch of totally trusted outstanding brilliant friends now but I'm also lucky enough to now be back in contact with a few who I used to know many years ago before it all started . I now get to go out for an evening when and where I want and wearing whatever I want and all done without worrying about what could happen if I came home a bit later than planned ( in fact its now positively encouraged 🤣) .  Life now is exactly the it should be , there's laughter fun and endless calmness . No longer are there the daily anxiety moments and deffinatly no more trying to predict the next hour or minute . You don't tend to realise just how valuable your sanity is untill someone else cruelly tries to take it all away from you . 

My kids have somehow and by some minor miracle managed to come out from the dark side they once had to silently tolerate and they have found that they too can now be reasonably intact confident people in their own unique special way and most importantly I've now found someone who actually loves me for who I am and not what they think they want me to be .

  As I've said before if I can do all of this so can anyone else , there's only one thing stopping you and that is yourself  , so why not be brave and take that first daredevil jump towards your freedom . Its scary and happy all at the same time but the inner peace that can be gained from it deffinatly outweighs everything else that's negative .   

   Just simply take a deep breath and jump , your friends and family will be your safety net !!!