Tuesday, December 21, 2021

My story Part 11.

 Now this is when the fun and excape to freedom really begins ........ 

Like I said in my previouse post my confidence was quickly returning back to me and I was also rapidly coming out of my very long 28 year domestic abusive hibernation . 
One day at the end of January 2015 I decided out of the blue ( although it had all been building up in my mind over time )  I couldn't and wouldn't do it or put up with it anymore so I very calmly took my engagement ring off and informed my abuser they had 1 month to find somewhere else to live or else I'd go to the police and tell them everything including his pathetic and feeble threats about his saying he would  kill me if I ever left him ( In my case I knew it was weak because he was to much of a scardy cat  to do anything like that to me but in some cases it can be very horrifically all to real )  , emotionally abuse had just been classed as a crime now in England ( about time too )  and that I'm sure that they would really love to hear all about him and the not very nice things he we had been doing  . 
This of course wasn't exactly what was expected to come from me and he tried very hard in telling me I was completely wrong and that I was being totally ridiculous .
My answer was that maybe he should try checking it all out when his next online and whilst he was at it check out the possible sentance he could recieve if he was proven to be guilty .
 I think he honestly thought I'd back down within a couple of days , change my mind and stop being so silly and dramatic but I was now a whole lot stronger than I ever used to be and I stuck very firmly to my guns no matter what he tried to say or do to try to convince me otherwise .
Would I of really gone to the police and reported him if he hadn't of gone ?....

I honestly don't know but him thinking I could gave me some sort of super power over him and him just thinking I possibly could was obviously enough for him to decide maybe its was a  wiser decision to go rather than stay . 

 Luckily because of making sure my name had always gone on various paperwork when it came to various homes we had lived in over the years ,  I double checked and yes the place could still be all mine when he left just as long as I could raise the money to keep on living there ( which I did and still do to this day ) . He tried his very best to make things seriously awkward and differcult by asking for half the deposit back and he was promptly told it couldn't be done so he then tried to cancel the tenancy but what he didn't know was that I'd already been there and explained everything to them ( even about the abuse I'd received ) and as far as they were concerned me and the kids were perfectly safe and could all still live there so a new contract was quickly drawn up and only I needed to sign it .

 The ex finally packed all his things after a month or so along with a few other things I later discovered that didn't actually belong to him and he left thinking in his own sweet twisted warpped little mind that being that I was " fat , useless and ugly " I wouldn't possibly stand a chance of doing anything on my own , let alone surviving but I of course knew much much better. 

Because the ex was trying to be what he thought was really clever at the time he  had cancelled the home phone line ( discovered that little supprise when I tried to make a call one day ) but I would just simply borrow the phone at the shop I volunteered at to sort everything out when I needed to and I had a few very raw honest conversations to various people to get the help I needed to start again all on my own  . 

   I honestly completly surprised myself that I had not only gained my freedom  , had gotten the engagement ring promptly sold for for scrap ( asked the children first but they didn't want it either ) but I had also arranged getting help with the rent  , sorted out an energy supplier and arranged all the other things needed to live in the house all by myself  and I had actually got myself a mobile phone contract !! 

 I did go through a brief spell of going to look for something I thought I needed only to discover it had obviously moved house without me but I learnt over time to see it all as " just stuff " and stuff can always be replaced . 

I even got to have my first highly succeful Girls night out in years !!!!!! 🤣

  If your reading all of this and thinking to yourself I couldn't possibly do it then your wrong , all you have to do is be honest and ask for help , there are some amazing people and various groups out there to help and support domestic abuse victims they will guide you at your own pace and catch you when you fall .

 Just because your not physically hit by someone it doesn't mean it doesn't count as  abuse , emotional abuse is just as bad . Male or female its all still abuse . It's not an impossible thing to escape from as I discovered , it isn't always an easy decision to make but personally I feel its one one of the greatest decisions you can ever make in your life . 

If the flowers in the garden can bloom regardless of the weather then so can you and you are free to travel your life's journey whatever way you decide.

Sunday, December 19, 2021

My story Part 10 .

  I had succsesfully managed to some how convince my now ex that 3 children of different sexs couldn't possibly share the same bedroom for ever...

 So we moved again to a bigger place . He never really bothered to check the place out properly until the day we actually moved in but as long as the telly worked to watch football I don't think he really cared . 
One of the cats that were never allowed indoors for some reason was moved and left to find its own bearings outside in the new garden but the other one that was part of a birthday present for child No1 had to be unfortunately left behind because he didn't want them both to come ( no reason given just that he didn't want it there ) . 
To his complete and utter delight he discovered that there was a lovely great big hedge about 6ft tall in the front garden which meant no one could possibly see us from the outside , there was even a massive fence in the bottom of the back garden too ( both happily no longer there now ) . 
One thing I'm endlessly grateful for is that I've always made sure that my name was put on any paperwork when ever we moved and it would prove to be a added bonus later on .

  Life went on just as it had before but he was getting even worse over time and the more insecure he felt the worse the tantrums would become  . 

 The sulks got bigger , the temper tantrums increased , the controlling was upgraded and the daily put downs continued . I noticed it was all getting even worse as the kids grew older and he started to talk about a child No4  . I promptly made the decision at this point to make sure he couldn't hide things again and went to my doctors and sorted something out , this decision of course didn't go down well with at all with him as it meant I'd actually dared to do something without his approval or permission and he'd had no control over that part of me anymore . 

  Child No3 started school and I then had what I thought was an incredibly brilliant bright  idea of volunteering at a local charity shop in order to help get myself a reference and work experience for when I finally needed to start working again . I  remember starting and being as nervous as hell due to my severe lack of confidence and I  refused at first to go anywhere near the shop floor to begin with and just wanting to stay in the background sorting donations out but thanks to the great people working there my confidence began to slowly grow and within 4yrs I became not only a key holder but also unofficial deputy manager plus I gained 3 NVQs ( for those who dont know their a form of English qualification ) . 

Not bad for a fat , useless and ugly person I think 😊 !!!!!!. 

He was yet again not particularly happy with what I was doing at this time , how dare I actually have a life he didn't or couldn't control and that didn't revolve entirely around him !!!!! 

He kindly informed me on several occasions that everybody and anybody had NVQs ( he didn't have one for a start ) , who did I think I was pretending I knew what I was doing ?... and did I not know that everyone was laughing at me ? ....

No way was any of this rubbish streaming out of his mouth going to put me off doing what I was doing  , I had discovered I wasn't as stupid as I was being lead to believe and I was actually pretty damn good at what I was doing .

Obviously I must of been having affairs left , right and centre during the daytime I was there ( including one with a gay, deaf twenty year old lad ! ) because " why else would I want to spend so much time there ? " Was his favourite comment but I kept on going even though I knew sometimes I would return  home to the dreaded killer silence and a list of never ending questions .

  As you can tell the worm was now begining to slowly and  successfully turn and I was becoming a much stronger person by the day and my inner strength was rapidly returning , I had begun to start standing my ground and started saying No ! occasionly , he hated every single minute now I was becoming the independent person I used to be . I actually had some friends , I now had my own bank account ( nothing in it but I had one ) and I wasn't keeping quite anymore when he had one of his temper tantrums .

He then started buying himself some new more modern clothes and spending a lot more time going on the Internet  ( I later discovered some of it was on dating web sites )  . He started doing his own washing which was a little strange considering I'd been doing it all for all those years and then oddly buying himself his own hoover ( we already had a  decent working one in the cupboard ) . I think all this was supposed to some how make me feel jealous or something but it all had gave me was the opposite effect . 

I had begun to realise he actually needed me more than I had ever really needed him .  I really didn't care less what he was up to , his apprent quick trips to the nearest supermarket that could take hours ( its barely a five minute walk away ) or his smirk when he was sending someone a message just made me laugh because I knew what he was trying to do and it wasn't going to work on me now  .

Risk Factor.

  Domestic abuse happens and thats a fact !!.... but what isn't a fact is that it doest matter if you manage to escape it or not. the ri...