Friday, October 21, 2022

Blaming .

 Domestic abuse blaming what a subject to discuss and try to unravel....

 The abused victim blames the abuser and the abuser blames the abused victim  . In my case yes most of it was my exs fault but to a certain degree I'm to blame too......why ?....

  Because I let it happen for much longer than it should of done. Yes I blame myself totally for that one because it was solely my fault and my decision for not putting a stop to it when it first all started all those years ago  .
I should of left the first time when I had the first opportunity and not wasted any more of my very valuable years of life being intimidated and abused . Does it make me cross or angry ?....

Yes to a certain point it does , I'm beyond feeling any effectionate feelings towards my now ex but I can't help but be slightly annoyed with myself for being such a wimp and not standing my ground . I wonder what would have happened if I had started saying No ! right at the beginning ? There's only 3 reasons I can think of to be thankful for all my years wasted and they of course are my children .

When your being abused you get sucked into it untill you can't see that your slowly sinking into a dismal pit of dispare . 
Some would say I shouldn't blame myself for any of it  but unfortunatly that's something I think will never change and I will just have  to live with and most importantly I should never of allowed my children be witness or experience any of it . 

 The Abuser will try to blame the rest of the world rather than take the responsibility and accept the blame for their own actions then if all else fails they will then try to convince anyone who will listern to them that your a complete and utter fruit cake that shouldn't be left in charge of a bowl full of jelly . Their warped logic is to try to make those who don't know you hate you and those that do know you hate you even more , they don't care who that person might be , it could be a friend , an employer, a parent , a random person waiting in line in a shop or even your own child  . They will try to condem you to anyone who will listern to them and the truth sometimes gets exchanged for untruths along the way and those same untruths can expand as time goes by .

 Next comes guilt and do they feel it let alone accept it and its yet another thing I don't have the answer for . Even if they did feel it they would never show it let alone admit to it . I'm more than happy to admit that I will always have a small feeling of guilt because I let my children be involved in it but I don't think there's any felt on my exs side ,  his either hiding it exceptionally well or as I strongly suspect there's absolutely nothing there .

In their eyes there's only one mean , selfish greedy , lazy and totally nasty person in their life and that's you . You were the one that spoilt all their fun , you were the one that broke their heart , you were the one that tried to turn everyone against them and you were the one that never did as they were told  . 

 I think there must be an endless list of things I was for ever being blamed for including not pulling my weight when it came to earning money or constantly having  affairs ( both obviously untrue or else I'd now be a poor homeless hooker without even a piece of stale bread to eat ) . I now know there was absolutly nothing I could have done to stop his abusive controlling ways .

  Being responsible for your own actions is a lesson that everyone should learn in life and especially the abusers but we all know they never will . No idea why it's such an encredibly differcult thing for them to do but obviously that part must be permanently switched off in them .

Do I forgive my exs actions ?..... 

 Not completely yet but over time maybe I might but that's only because I know I'm the much better person . 

Will I ever forget what has happened ? ......

No Never !!

Would I ever help him if I was the only person left on earth to do it ?....

That would all depend on how bad the the situation was I guess .

Donating a bodily organ or blood if it was needed  ?....

Proberly not ( differant blood group anyway) . 

Lending money ?... 

Deffinatly not ever , 

Offering him a bed for the night if it wss needed ?....

 Most likely not but I'd offer the use of a sleeping bag  .

Writting him a personal reference? ......

Only if I'm allowed to mention his a domestic abuser. 

Would I stand up in court supporting another one of their victims ?.....

Yes I honestly think I would. 

Do I think I will ever recieve an apology from my ex  ?.....

 Only of there's a vague chance of hell freezing over .

Will my ex ever accept any blame ? ....

No chance .

Is my life better now without my ex ? ......

Absolutely !!!!!

 Sorry but I honestly don't think if I was reached out to by my ex that I could ever bring myself to do an awful lot to help out not because I'm all bitter and twisted inside over the past events but because I know deep down he would never consider doing it for anyone else in a desperate situation and he wouldnt ever feel quilty for not doing it either . 

Domestic abusers will never take responsibility for their own actions  so they in turn will never receive or deserve my respect !!





Wednesday, October 19, 2022

Hands up ✋️

 Who watched the recent Court case involving Mr Johnnie Depp and Miss Amber Heard ?.....

I'm honestly not taking any sides here writting this because I dont know all the full  truthful facts and newspapers and the media are not always the most reliable source of information  so no l'd rather not go there thank you very much  .

I'm fairly certain in this particular case it wasn't entirely always one sided but what interested and fascinated me the most was the body language used on both sides and how both used the media to their best advantage . Like I've said at the very beginning my intentions are not to take any side here but it's simply to show that domestic abuse regardless of who you may be can happen to absolutely anyone .

In Miss Heards case........... There was a lot of meaningful glances directed towards the jury and some of her witnesses were a little bit interesting and unique to say the least . There was also a lot of wearing of similar styles or colours of outfits here and it normaly followed whatever Mr Depp was wearing the day before ( or was it just all a coincidence ? ) . It certainly must of been quite an upsetting and slightly scary experience for all concerned but I personally think a true victim wouldn't necessarily sit and cry quite the way she did and the photos of injurys recieved didn't really show a great deal and nothing major and where they photo shopped or where they real was never really proven .  The bruise make up kit was a little bit dubious and I was never completly sure if it was used to add them or hide them . Unfortunatly for her the defensive team she picked didn't come across as that fantastic and the confusion over the money she was supposed to have donated or pledged didn't do her any favours either . Miss Heard was using Mr Depps first name at regular intervals and disbelieved the reason why she wasn't ever being looked in the eye , putting it all down to a guilty conscience . 

Next we have Mr Depps turn........... Granted he did have that look in his eye of replaying past events in his mind and he said everything in a extremely calm collective way and always pausing to think of a good answer before speaking but its also a well known fact that he has been known to take various forms of drugs and he enjoys a good drink after a hard day's work . Again photos of his injurys weren't 100% clear ( apart from the gruesome finger incident of course ) . His team of attorneys were always very on the ball with everything and obviously worked very hard for their money . The evidence used involving recorded conversations was certainly interesting but it did make me wonder why you'd feel the need to do it in the first place . He only ever referred to the other party by using Miss and then the surname and explained his reasons for not wanting to use eye contact .

Did it all go the right way in the end ?.....

 I honesty don't know but it certainly brought domestic abuse out into the open , it showed that men could possibly be the abuse victim too and the legal fight it can involve to prove someone's innocence can be tough  , endless and extremly expensive . Both pleaded the innocent injured party very well , both used various photo , video and voice recordings as evidence and both used friends and family as witnesses and both I feel may have a need to perhaps speak to someone who can help them about their anger management and any other problems or issue's they may have  . 

I suppose my next question is who was the real winner out of all of this ?...

  Apart from the massively expensive attorneys of course  and was there a loser ? both had to drag  their past life history's through the dirt , both have had to endure their private and personal lives being broadcast to the entire world by the media and both have risked their reputation and future in the ever fragile business of making movies .

One thing it did show was that domestic abuse isn't always as simple as it first sounds or appears , that it isn't always about physical damage to someone and that it can happen to absolutly anybody famous or not . Physical abuse causes injuries that can slowly over time heal but emotional abuse can be the silent weapon that causes invisible damage to hearts , souls and minds which then in some cases it can never heal .

 No one will ever really know exactly the events that happen and that were discussed between the two of them , there were only those two people involved and they both have their own unique sides to the story . Both provided some excellent evidence ( although some of it did look and sound a little bit staged at times ) , the Media have had an absolute field day trying to keep everyone informed and updated of the slightest detail and they've made a nice little profit from it all too .

  On a positive note Mr Depp had always said it was never really about the money but more about reclaiming his acting and personal reputation back which I think his managing to do quite well  .  

Miss Heard now has an added extension to her life and seems to have not yet restarted her acting carrier but who knows what the future can bring for her .

I wish both of them well with their chosen futures and thank them on a more personal note for displaying that elephant in the room called domestic abuse , the attention it raised may of died down a little bit now but its all still out there to find on the Internet. 


Question time 🤔

There are far too many questions and not enough answers about domestic abuse , would you be able to pick an abuser out in a crowd ? ......

Those that domestically abuse others are very much like chameleons , they can change their colour and character to fit with what ever situation they might find themselves in and you will very rarely get to see the real person behind the mask they wear  . You can quite often find yourself left with endless unanswered questions that do nothing but confuse you even further as time goes by because they all seem never to have an answer  . Just when you think you've worked it all out even more questions need answering and so it all goes on .

Domestic abusers can come in many differant shapes , colours , sizes and sexs . That dear sweet innocent looking little grey haired  old lady with the softly spoken quite little voice in the super market that needed your help with her shopping trolly the other day could be one , that perfect gentleman sat wearing a nice smart expensive suit having his lunch on that park bench reading his newspaper and feeding the pigeons could be one and the nice really friendly person who served you in the garage after filling your car up yesterday could be one too .  It is  vertually impossible to disquinish who the abuser could be in a crowd full of people .

Abusers don't unfortunately have that certain look about them , have big red warning lights on top of their heads or wear a massive badge telling the world what they are and and you will never see a hint of it in their eyes when you talk to them , they wear their fake mask all to well so that others will never see the real person that lies underneath it , those who are abused are the only ones who will ever really get to see the true person that abuses .

Those that are abused are even harder and more differcult to spot because it's a whole  life changing story that's very rarely openly shared whilst it's still happening  . That super confident amazing person at work who seems to know exactly what their doing and where their going in life could go home at the end of the day to a totally differant world that's full of abusive nightmares . They could be scared from the very minute they put yheir coat on and leave work and then automatically go into self protection mode all in preparation to face what ever horrors that live behind their closed front door .

If ever you do get the opportunity to speak to a survivor of abuse just watch very closely their body language and what they say when they discuss things that have happened to them . Everything will be done in a very calm clear collected matter of fact sort of way with no major dramatics and as they remember events you can almost see them reliving it all in their mind and replaying events in their eyes . There will be no dramas , no over acting and most deffinatly no attention seeking . all you will ever get told are the facts and only ever the bare harsh honest truth .

Some survivors are extremly lucky and come out reasonably sane ( I'd like to think I'm part of this very unique group maybe 🤔 )  meanwhile there are others who sadly can find life simply just far too hard and to want to continue with it anymore and this can be just how traumatic domestic abuse can really be  . 

Which ever one it is , the feelings and emotions you can be left with after domestic abuse can end up being just like a major attack from a group of Demenators that are mentioned in a best selling Harry Potter book by J. K Rowling and its going to take slightly more than just a bar of chocolate to make things feel better . There are unfortunately no magical remedies or potions and deffinatly no magic wand that can take away all the pain caused by an abuser . 

  The after effects can give you some amazingly brilliant bright sunshine days and then you can equally get some endlessly dark cloudy ones . Some days seem to be stupidly short with your list of things to do never getting finished and you wonder where all the time has gone and some can feel like the days are just dragging on like life is all in slow motion and it all feels like things take an entirety to do but you still just keep on going regardless . The side effects left after abuse are just something you strangly just get used to it all as time goes by  .

 Domestic abuse survivors are a rare but extremly tough special group of individuals , we have lived through all sorts of variouse forms attacks be it physical or emotional , we've come out the other side and we are constantly watching over our shoulder for any one who dares think they are brave enough to try to get away with it .  As the saying goes " What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger " and  I fully believe this to be true ( at least in my case anyway ) ,  personally I will never allow anyone to think they have the right to try to own me , control me or abuse me ever again .

Meanwhile the abuser will just simply carry on doing what they do best  , they will just keep moving on and find their next victim to abuse and control ( notice they will only ever ho gor people they think are weaker than themselves ) . They will never comprehend that their actions are not an exceptable way to live and they will never offer anyone a deep and meaningful apology for it either .

Risk Factor.

  Domestic abuse happens and thats a fact !!.... but what isn't a fact is that it doest matter if you manage to escape it or not. the ri...