Friday, October 27, 2023

Prove it .


Domestic abuse, be it physical or emotional, has to be one of the hardest things to prove if you've ever been unfortunate enough to have it happen to you......

 it's never obvious, and if it's physical, the abuser makes sure that the bruises can't be seen . If any noticeable marks are visible, then various excuses are made to explain them .
Domestic abusers very rarely do their abusing in public because that would mean other people would be able to see the abuser for who they really are and not the person they pretend to be .

  How can you prove abuse ever happened when no one else ever sees it or hears it and even if the abuser is ever challenged about their actions they will then instantly become the victim pleading how its all not true , they would never dream of doing anything like that  and putting on a performance that could be Oscar winning .
 Both parties can provide the tears but the big difference is that the victims tears are almost silent and they will talk in a very calm matter of fact sort of way , where as the abuser will pull out all the stops with heart breaking sobs and dramatic stories of how they are totally innocent. 

  Emotional/mental abuse is a seriously tough one to prove because there's no evidence or photos to be taken , it all happens on the inside where no one will ever see and the scars or bruises are invisable. 
  If like myself your intimidated into having to have sex whether you want it or not is now at least in England classed as a form of rape , but if there's only two people in the room at the time and there's no fighting or drugs concerned how can you possibly prove it ?

 I realised a long time ago there was absolutely no point in reporting my now ex to anyone because I've got nothing to prove what's happened , there's no recordings or pictures taken , there's just me talking about events and what used to go on .
 The ex of course tells a totally different story and it's entirely up to the individual to believe what ever they want to believe .
  Meanwhile he gets away with everything and to my knowledge continues to do so with whoever he is with and I get the joy of trying to put some sort of vague order all the thoughts and feelings that have come from me spending 28 very long wasted years being abused .

   My story of domestic abuse is my own  personal journey and it's completely up to who ever reads any of it to make their own minds up on if I'm believed or not , I may not be able to condem my ex to a life of guilt but one thing I can do is to shout out to others about it and be there if any other victims need it ( email in profile if needed) .
  I've not made it anything glamorous or fancy I've just written about facts ( in fact I've proberly played it down a bit in places ) , I'm now stuck with all the after effects that I've collected along the way but one thing I'm endlessly positive about is that it will never ever beat me  !!

  My story isn't as horrendous as some others and if I find it frustrating on how hard it is to prove my past then just imagine what things must be like for them , its one of the many reasons why I'm now doing these posts and knowing there's someone out there somewhere that has been there , seen it and survived it helps then fantastic and between us all we will just keep on going forward in life .
  I've been asked a couple of times how I can be so positive and content all the time especially after what has happened and thats easy to answer,  it's because I choose to be that way and not wallow in my past despair . I refuse to let my miserable past effect my future happiness,  there's only one person allowed to control me now and that's myself .
  I started all this to help defuzz some of the crazy thoughts that were once whizzing around my mind and to get my story out there,  this I've now done and will continue trying to do my best in being there for others if or when needed. 

 As much as I wont be able to ever prove any of my domestic abuse happened neither can my now ex prove any of it didn't happen , if he ever gets around to hear or read anything ( which I very much doubt ) then tough , he can try to convince others that I'm a lying over dramatic drama queen but I will always know that I've told the truth and nothing but the truth . 
I may not write amazingly interesting or fascinating pieces but I'd like to think is that what I do write is read by all and and anyone that is still surrounded by any form of domestic abuse can see that you can excape from it all and there's are loads of amazing people out there who can and will help .

  One of the big things that frustrates me the most is that some domestic abusers can play the system to their own advantage and that's wrong on so many levels, there are some abusers who have even used the domestic abuse card to get themselves rehomed whilst the victim is left to struggle on their own .
 Why are women believed more than men about being abused ? and above all else why cant they get exactly the same treatment ?  .....
 Nope not a clue either on both but maybe one day things might change . 
  Positive end of post time and I think it should finish with a positive thought .......

       Always be true to yourself  !!!!!!
   Photo used below is one of my own recent ones and I just love the way that Mr Robin was ruling his day without a care in the world .




Monday, October 23, 2023

Its not easy .


Domestic Abuse will never ever be an easy subject for some let alone be the most interesting but for those of us who have had to live through it and experience it well let's just say we would have to agree to disagree ....

No one ever asks for it, and most  certainly, no one ever deserves it regardless of what an abuser might say . 

 Yes I may repeat myself a lot about things but if that's what it takes to help make people take notice and listern then so be it and I apologise if some find things a bit boring but to be honest I can't and won't brush domestic abuse under any carpet and I refuse to hide what happened to me over my 28 years of it like the events never happened .
My ex abuser is still out there somewhere thinking that he can use and abuse anyone that gets in close contact to him and I'm not stupid enough to think I have some sort of secret power to be able to stop him but what I do have is the strength and power of words, and that's exactly why I'm now writing these posts .

I've lost 28 very valuable years of my far too short life on someone who never really appreciated anything I ever did, and my intentions are now to make up for lost time . Those lost years I will never get back and that's all down to just one extremly selfish greedy abusive person , I don't hate him because I've completely run out of feelings in any form for that particular person but what I do hate is the fact I had to experience it all and there's been a few more after me that have had to tolerate it too  .
That's how totally unfair domestic abuse can be ....the innocent get punished, and the guilty get away with it . 

Do I have serious issues with the abuse I once lived through ?....

Of course I bloody well do !!!!

Thankfully, my mental health hasn't been dramatically affected too much, and I've still managed to keep my sense of humour ( granted there's a form of PTSD tucked away somewhere deep inside but it's only allowed to show its face on rare occasions).
My issues nowadays are more about how stupid I was to let myself ever get in that sort of situation in the first place and why did I allow it to continue for such a ridiculous amount of time and both of those issues are exactly why I'm now doing all of this .

So let's get back to the question: Is any of this interesting or helpful ?....

  Well for me it most certainly is and fingers crossed it is for others too .

  Alerting others about domestic abuse has now become a very important part of my life , interesting or not it's out there and it's happening right now to thousands of others male or female in loads of different countries .
 Abusers are out there physically , mentally and emotionally ruining other peoples lives and all because they seem to think that they are the most important individuals on this planet....Well guess what ?....

 Their not and they never will be!!!!!!!!

Is there life after domestic abuse ?...

Yes I fully believe there can be but unfortunately not always, some can find it just all to much and simply not want to continue existing anymore .

  Domestic abuse is something that can only be fully understood by those that have lived it , therapists and others can try to help but the books they may read or life stories like my own will never be the same as talking to a real true survivor who is proof there can be a happy ever after .

 Is my life now Perfect ?....

No way and I wouldn't want it to be either .
I try to go through life thinking positive and I'm on a constant learning curve with it  . 

 I'm more true to myself now than I have ever been and I fully love the life I'm living .
I now get the opportunity to do what ever I want without any worry or major concerns and all the silly little things I was once told I wasn't allowed to do are now all done with a massive smile 😊 .

This particular positive thinker would like to think that maybe just maybe those that read any of these various things I've written get informed along the way about domestic abuse , granted Its not a deep and meaningful subject matter or as fascinating as a wildlife programme on the television but it's just as real and as I've explained many times before it can happen to absolutly anyone and in a lot of cases you will never know about it .
    My abuse went unknown to my family and friends all the years I was involved in it , I never spoke about it to anyone ( didn't they get a great surprise when I finally told them after the ex finally left ) , they still to this day have no idea just how far that abuse went . 
  Why haven't I ever discussed it all with them ?.....

Because like most other people if you've not actually experienced it you can never really completely understand it , they would of course be deeply concerned ,  look shocked and try to apologise for something they haven't done but that's not what a survivor wants or needs , survivors need to know they have security , love and supportive people around them who don't ask endless questions that can't always be answered . 
We will talk when the time feels right enough , we will try to laugh and joke about it to make things appear lighter and yes we will of course try to repair ourselves eventually over time .

   Next time the subject of domestic abuse comes up in a conversation try discussing it and not avoiding it , a lot of us survivors will talk openly about it ( maybe not necessarily going into detail like I do with these posts ) .
    The world can be a phenomenal place after you've escaped from abuse .

  Both photos used are my own and as the last one says.........




Risk Factor.

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