Wednesday, August 30, 2023
It's just like a bad dream but it never leaves you completly , it likes to raise its ugly , foul , disgusting very much unwanted head up again on random unexpected occasions .
Just when you think everything in your life is running all smooth and calm with no added worries attached , along comes that dreaded monster crawling out from under the bed trying to just to remind you it still exists and a tiny fragment of it will always be a part of your life untill the day you die .
Let me explain the minor dramatics a little bit better to you all today .
I have been doing either a really nice kind thing or a totally dumb arse thing , I keep an eye on my abusive exs latest victims , not all the time you understand but just occasionly to see how that person is doing .....Why ?
Because I know exactly what's in store for them and exactly what their dismal future will be like .
No... I don't ever try to warn them or interfer and never would ( properly wouldn't want to listern to me anyway ) , I just keep an eye on how things are going in the very distant background .
No , it's not because I still have feeling or care for my ex or that I'm being a nosey old cow , I feel absolutely nothing about that worthless piece of foul excuse for a man . Its all because I know the effect my 28yr relationship with him had on my own life and the side effects it has now left me with . I just simply reach out to them when they finally work it all out on what his really like , I let them know who I am and I'm there to talk to if they ever need it . If they want to talk then great and if they don't want to then that's OK too , I never push or put any pressure on ( I think they have had enough pressure coming from him ) , it's just me offering the help that I once needed but was never offered when I was in that same position .
The other day I recieved a message from one of my fellow survivors saying his latest victim had successfully managed to untangle themselves from his vice like grip of control and he had been promptly evicted from the building .
Variouse messages between us were exchanged but the very first question asked to me was " was he ever controlling with you ? " I decided not to write my entire 28yr story for them but just agreed 100% and let them know I'm always available if they need to talk about anything .
This then in turn sort of creates a different kind of question .... where the f£#k has he crawled away to now ?....
No , like I said before I don't actually care where the hell its gone to but what I do care about is where its gone because I'd like to get some sort of pre- warning before I get any evil killer glares thrown in my direction when I'm out trying to enjoy myself
I know the ex may be the biggest coward out there but those words of " if you ever leave me I will kill you " will always stay in the dark corners of my mind and I'm under no illusion on how much I'm hated .
So for the time being at least I'll go back to keeping myself safe on any given opportunity and make sure I have a buddy to walk back home with if I'm out late at night having a drink with some friends and I'll keep it up till I'm safe in the knowledge that his found yet another new victim to distract himself with .
That's the bit that is never mentioned by any Councillor or therapist, it doesn't ever matter how long you've been free from your narcissist/abuser they will still be just like that dreaded monster under the bed they will be waiting to get you when you least expect it , all the time they are still walking on this earth you will never be totally and completly free from them ( especially if like me you've had children with them ) .
Of course I know deep down I'm totally 100% safe and as I've said many times before I'm more than capable of kicking arse back now if or when its needed but it doesn't stop those old almost but not quite forgotten reactions sneaking back into my head .
Is it worth all the stress , heartbreak and confusion getting rid of a Narcissistic abusive person can bring ? .....
I made that decision a few years ago and I will never regret doing it . In fact I have to say its proberly one of my better decisions in life I've made 🤔 .
I knocked on the door that had my future behind it and loved on first sight everything that I saw .
OK yes that nasty monster under the bed will raise itself occasionly but over all life is still phenomenaly outstanding and I wouldn't change what I have now for anything .
That monster will always be a despicable monster but it's how you deal with it that really counts .
I will watch my back as always but if I'm unlucky enough to see that gross slimeball of a wasted monster on my travels and I shall just smile sweetly and then watch as that one simple small smile can have the great effect of turning his face into something that resembles a dog's bum ! 🤣
My door to the future is now wide open and no-one or nothing will ever close it for me ever again !
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