My story Part 2 .

 It was early April in 1986.....

 and one of those normal Thursday evenings after a days work type things where as was the norm back then a visit to a local pub was in order so on went the glad rags , blue eye liner, shoulder pads , Heather Shimmer lipstick and our hair was made to go into the classic 80s big hair look .....2 female 19 year olds what could possibly go wrong ?

   

  We'd hadn't been standing there very long and the pub didn't have many people in it because things never really got going in there till the weekend . As we were putting the world straight 2 guys standing by the bar decided to join in with the conversation , both alright looking and both just being nice and friendly . One of them declared straight away he was a happily married man and the other one started telling us his sorrowful heartbreaking  story about how his wife had just left him the day before taking their baby with her  . She'd apparently had constant affairs in the past , only ever wanted him for his money  and he had actually unbelievably once caught another man leaving where they where living ( this part of the story grew slowly and changed over the years ) .

 Apparently he had only come out that night because he felt a little bit down and his friend thought he might need a drink to take his mind off things , looking back now I can't remember him actually showing any sorrowful deep heartbroken regret or just being dumped or abandoned confusion over what had recently happened ( remember it had been only 24 hrs since it had happened ) , and for someone who was so apprently devastated why was he out chatting to random females in a pub ?  Stupidy I never saw it at the time 🤔 .

 The night ended on a happy note and we all said our goodbyes before all heading off our separate ways home . I remember feeling really sorry for the poor abandoned one and thinking how horrible things must of been for him and how dreadful his wife was for doing everything she had done . I spent the next couple of days thinking that it would be nice to find out how he was getting on and would I ever see him again . All this was the exact reactions that were expected from me I think at the time looking back now and its a very good card that all abusers seem to like to play . They need , want and crave your attention and will use any decent excuse in order to get it , in this case playing the neglected abandoned heartbroken soon to be ex husband and unfortunatly for me it worked .

   Little did I know at the time this was just the begining of my constant walking on very thin ice or egg shell future . Playing the victim card is one of the first favourite thing's an abuser loves to use in order to win you over , they want and need you to feel sorry for them , they need you to believe everything about their dramatic story's ( remember they will never tell lies of course 😉 ) , they never tell you the complete truth or at least they will only tell you what they think you should know or want you to hear in order to feel sorry for them and like the big daft softie person I am I fell for it all hook , line and sinker . 

Just like fishing they throw their bait out , they then catch you and reel you in slowly begining to play and control your every move without you even noticing it's happening . They play with your emotions , tease you with non existent possibilities , make all sorts of crazy false promises and then when all else fails they throw a massive major explosive adult temper tantrum striking out either physical emotional pain in your direction and then of course everything will be someone else's fault and never their own . 

Just imagine being constantly blameless for everything thats ever happened in your life and that it all being someone else's fault . ........ no thank you I dont think I ever could ,  how else could you possibly ever learn by your own mistakes in life if you don't take responsibility for them in the first place ?  🤔

Do they care who they hurt or damage along the way ?... No I honestly don't think they do . They only care about getting their own way and they will smash , hit , hurt and attempt to overthrow anything or anyone who dares to have the nerve to get in the way . If at first they don't succeed then they will just simply keep on going untill their unique life gives them what ever it was they wanted but unfortunatly as soon as that happens they will then decide it was all wrong , they dont want it and start all over again wanting something else completely different instead . 

If you unfortunatly find that your caught in the net by an abuser never forget you can always break free from the hook and swim away free again before its too late and you end up being in their eyes " owned ".  Granted it's not always easy but as your reading this I'm living proof that it can be done ,  it can only be done when your good and ready for it to happen and then you will discover that you are more powerful than you ever thought you could be . 

  Taking the conrol back of your own life is the only control that should ever happen to you so try to avoid the abusers of this world who insist on fishing for new victims .

 

   

My story Part1 .

  I had to first ask myself the big question of why I wanted to start doing all of this and I'm still not entirely sure of the answer ....                 

      One thing I do know for sure is I couldn't keep waiting for the tide to come in and smooth things over because just like sand my problem's would still be there underneath ready to resurface again .

 Is it for me or others ?  Still not worked that one out yet ( proberly a bit of both if I'm honest) but if just one person happens to come across this , reads it and then realises that the same thing or worse is happening to them then it would have been all worth it .

 One thing I do know is that I needed to put it all down somewhere before I forget some of it  ( chance would be a fine thing ! ) or it all gets muddled up as I get older. Is it a case of self-help therapy or just a need to process past events ? I don't know but one thing I've deffinatly realised is that I was a a complete and utter stupid idiot for staying in that relationship for as long as I did and I wasted far too many valuable years of my life that I'll never get back ( the only good things to come out of it being my children ) .

Domestic Abuse has a nasty habit of leaving side effects of P.T.S.D , mental heath issues and all sort of other horrible irritating things , it not only effects the abused but their children too who see and hear a lot more than they will ever talk about . 

It can be physical , mental and emotional,  financial or even all of them put together and it doesn't matter if your male, female , black , white , gay , straight or an alien abuse is still and always will be abuse and its not execptable behaviour from anyone . it can't always be obvious to those looking in from the outside and abuse can leave bruises that can't always be seen , Its something that never really heals . In some really bad cases the abuser even has the nerve to play their own abused card and they beat the system by ruining other peoples lives who get in their way. 

It's the classic Elephant in the room and it needs to be spoken about more , Schools , college's and work places  need to get people in to discuss it openly and we need to teach others that it's not the right or correct way to treat people your supposed to care about . 

That person sat next to you on the bus going to work in the morning  could be going through it and you'd never know or maybe your best friend has been hiding the secret from you for years . Those of us who have been or are being abused become superior actors so you'd never realise what life at home is really like .

One of my personal grievances is that some of the people out there who try to help survivors ( most are brilliant but there's always the odd few ) who really don't have a clue what their talking about because they only know what they've read in books and not actually been through it themselves so they have no true understanding of what can go through a person's head or what crazy stupid little things can trigger those annoying red flags .

 Personally I spent 28 very tough long years in a emotionally domestic abusive relationship that involved financial abuse , being cut off from family and friends , rape ( basically sex with permission but you where emotionally blackmailed into it ) , threats of violence ,  mental cruelty , not being allowed a job , not being allowed to have a bank account and regularly being told " your fat , useless and ugly " or the best one " if ever you leave me I will kill you ". In the end I had 2 choices either my abuser left or I would in a box and as you can proberly tell by now there was no need for the box and I'm still very much breathing  . 

I have now been free for a good few years and have regained a lot of my lost inner self confidence and self belief . I couldn't have done any of it without my children , my amazing bunch of friends who put up with my moaning on a really bad day and of course my new and greatly improved partner . With their help It's made me become an eternal optimist whose glass is always full and most importantly I now own the glass !

I'm not a storyteller or super fantastic at doing this sort of thing so don't expect anything like Charles Dickens but as time goes by you never know I might improve things . I intend to start at the very beginning and every new step should continue my journey through it all till it gets to where I am today . I intend to be honest and open about almost everything apart from names and locations ( anyone who knows me really well will recognise things anyway) and my spelling won't always be the greatest . Be warned there could a bit of swearing sometimes or unpleasant events written but my excuse is I'll write as if I were talking to a good friend .

 I'm one of the fortunate few who got out of it relatively unharmed and intact so I feel I have every right to tell my story to others and to do it my way .

There will be a lot of repeated comments or subjects made but domestic abuse needs to be talked about  and so it needs to be done that way so it finally gets through to others to help them understand .

    If your going through any form of Domestic Abuse never forget there is always help out there if and when you need it and things will eventuslly get better even if like me you don't believe its happening at the time. Just like any classic school bully the abuser will only get away with it all the the time you let it happen so take that first scary step and talk to someone. If I can do it so can anyone .

Trust me your peace can and will return .