Friday, June 9, 2023

The First wake up call .


 I often get asked when did I first realise I was a victim of Domestic abuse ?  and this outstanding film/book is part of the answer.......

    I clearly remember watching the Oscar award winning film The Color Purple for the very first time many many years ago . I was sat completly spellbound watching as the story gradually unfolded before my eyes , I was sitting alone with my normal after dinner cup of tea and had a very unsteady hand slowly trying to drink it , I was  realising that I was just like the lead character Celie 😳 !!!! . 

All this film watching and waking up to reality was all sort of happening whilst my now abusive ex was sat in another room watching and swearing at the football and he was totally unaware about what was going on where I was concerned  ( not that he would have done very much about it even if he had by some miracle worked it all out ) . Maybe getting your wake up light bulb moment about domestic abuse from a film is a little bit unusual but I'm most deffinatly pleased it happened when it did , if it wasnt for that film or that moment my life would certainly not be as contented and as peaceful as it is now . From the moment that brilliant film began the seed of my future freedom had been planted and then that seed started to grow .

    I'm not going to ruin the complete phenomenal story line for those that haven't watched or read it yet ( but seriously suggest you do) but Celie who was an amazing character developes onto the most beautiful butterfly after being a down trodden caterpiller for years . She over comes violence and abuse , she conquers her inner demons and proves you can come out the other side reasonably in tact . It taught me that you should only do things because you want to and most deffinatly not because someone else expects you to  . In case you've not guessed it yet I fully recommend either watching it or reading it ( Audio books is a really good option too ) 😊 .

   Funny how it took just that one film to begin the slow waking up  of my thoughts about being domestically abused , I most certainly wasn't expecting it to happen and if I'm complety honest I don't  really know at the time why I was about to sit down and watch this particular film but that light bulb moment happened and and I now rewatch it , read it or listern to it at any given opportunity just to help remind myself of just how encredibly really lucky I am today.

My life may not be one hundred percent perfect now ( whose is ?) but I now take full responsibility for it , if I mess up with something then I learn from it and try again . It's all thanks to Celie that I'm now writting on here , facebook ,Instagram , Threads , X ( was Twitter ) and Quora and without watching her regain her inner strengh none of this would be happening today . If I'm honest I'm not too sure I could see my future when I was with my ex , if my life at the time was practically none existent back then I dread to think what I would have ended up doing to take all the darkness away  ( still scares me a bit thinking about the possibilities even now ) . 

The urge or need to shed a tear or cheer at the end isn't quite as strong it used to be ( its still been known to happen occasionally when I least expect it and no-ones looking ) but I shall always have a massive amount of enormous respect and gratitude for the actors involved , how well the screenplay was written and how excellently they portrayed the characters they played so expertly ( Oscars fully deserved in all cases ) .  The film obviously isn't just about Celie and her overcoming the darkness in  her life but that's the part in it that hit me with a lightning bolt that evening whilst I was watching it .

 Granted It did take me a few more years after first watching it to finally do something construtive about the abuse I was receiving at the time but I'll never forget the first time I watched it , the thoughts it gave me and the seed of reality it planted in my mind . That seed may of lay dormant for a while but it began to slowly grow over time trying to  reach for the sunlight and as it grew I became stronger too , my self belief and confidence began to return , then one day with much supprise to my now ex I had my wake up light bulb moment and took the control of my life back . 

 Funny isn't it what or who can change your outlook and views on life , it can something you hear , someone you see or even just like in my case watching a film .  Would it have rung any bells for me if I wasn't in the abusive situation I was in at the time I don't know but what I do know is that without that sudden moment of deciding to sit down to watch it I might still be having my entire soul absorbed by someone else's greedy wants or needs and the life I'm now living would never exist ( that's another scary thought ) . 

  Have you had your wake up call yet and if yes what was it ? If you haven't and your reading all of this then I promise it will happen for you eventually , sometimes it can take a while but all domestic survivors manage to get there in the 0end and just keep in walking  the path that lays ahead of them .

 ( Photo used below is one of my own 😊 . )


Thursday, June 8, 2023

Random Facts .

  Here's some random and shocking facts about domestic abuse........

🔴 ....A domestic abuse related call is made to the police every 30 seconds .

🔴....1 in 5 adults will experience some form of Domestic Abuse in their lifetime .

🔴....Last year 2.4 million were victims of some sort of abuse .

🔴....For every 3 victims of abuse 2 are women and 1 is male .

🔴....Less than 24% of domestic abuse is actually reported to the police .

      Now I don't know about you but these facts are really sad and shocking but unfortunatly it doesn't really supprise me . Domestic abuse has been going on since the cavemen existed ( remember the comic pictures of women being dragged by their hair ? 🤔 ) and it will continue to happen for years to come .  Personally no I unfortunatly don't believe it will all ever end in my lifetime but that doesn't mean to say we don't have to stop trying to educate people in how wrong it all is and the effects it leaves behind with the abused victim . 
It's all down to us the survivors to teach the next generation that just because your parents may of been abusive it doesn't mean to say you automatically have to be it too . Being abusive doesn't and will never solve every problem or issue and NO !!!!! it's not and never will be the correct way to act in life .  
 Just imagine if everyone hit out or got verbally or physically aggressive every time things didn't go the right way , the whole world would just completely fall apart with the mass aggression . Granted there have been some countries that have been ruled like that in the past but what was gained ?...

Your absolutly right and deep down for the real people who have to live there and not the government that try's to rule it nothing is gained apart from a bad reputation ( that's the peace loving anti war person in me speaking and I'll stop now before I land myself into any trouble ) .


All domestic abusers out there should just man-up , shut up and grow up , they should stop behaving like an outgrown spoilt sefish little demanding 2yr old brat that needs an extended visit from SuperNanny !! 
   No-one has the right to physically or mentally abuse anyone in life  , it's unexeptable , unneeded and uncalled bad behavour from another fellow human being  . Above all else NO !! nobody will ever ask for it or make the abuser do it , they should be held responsible for their own actions and pay the consequences for it .  
  I have never met yet or heard of a domestic abuser who has openly admitted to their actions , given a deep and honest heartfelt and meaningful apology and then gone into recovery for it to never happen again and they have changed for the better .
  They will say sorry it will never happen again but its never meant , the tears are never real and if totally ignored and the end result wasn't the one expected then the anger comes back again and you're back where you started with them . 

  The laws are very slowly changing ...
Emotional abuse is now classed as a crime ( although it can in some cases be encredibly differcult to prove ) .
 Being intimidated into having sex is now classed as a form of rape ( again a little bit differcult to prove ) .
At  least it's all a few steps forward and proof that things are now slowly changing . 
 Remember the story about the Tortoise and the Hare ?  Well it's just like that,  in order to change things about abuse , it has all has to be slow and steady to win the race. 
What ever happens from now on has to happen for all the right reasons , it needs to happen for all those that are or have been abused and it needs to teach others that abuse is totally unnecessary and needed . 
  Abusers don't deserve any easy punishments  , they seem to think they are never wrong  and they will never apologise or be responsible for their own actions .  They can spin a very elaborate web of lies in order to get them out of something but that's all they are just lies , if pushed hard enough that web of lies can be broken .

 I've never really worked out exactly where an abusers gets the need  to abuse from but they have certainly got ot from somewhere .
Nobody is ever born with a natural instict to domestically abuse another person so maybe it's learnt behaviour from parents ?  ( in my now exs case yes I think it was ) or is it a desperate case of needing and wanting attention ?  ( think they all have a little bit of that ) .
 Where ever it came from or who ever they got it from doesn't really matter but what doe's matter is why the hell do they keep on having to do it ? 
My bets are on the fact they keep on doing it because they haven't ever been told its wrong so stop doing it and if you don't stop you will get reprimanded for it .  
  Just like that spoilt little child that demands  it's own way they will just keep on doing it because it works and if it isn't broken why fix it ? .
  The best way I've personally found that works when it comes to dealing with a domestic abuser is to just simply walk away from it permanently, granted its no major punishment for them and they will just continue their highly unpleasant actions somewhere else but at least the abused victim gets to excape to freedom .

   If they do the crime then they should do the time !!!!!




Wednesday, June 7, 2023

I'm busy doing nothing.

It's days like today that I look back on what life used to once be like for me and then what I have now....

 The photo above is one of my own many personal ones that I've taken and its shared because it proves my point about me now being totally content with the life I now have and as I'm sat here in my garden writting this post on this beautiful gloriously warm sunny summers afternoon enjoying a very well earnt cup of tea and a couple of ginger nut biscuits after work . The birds are singing , the bees are busy buzzing around looking for the next flower , the butterflies are fluttering like confetti in the sky and as days go it's been pretty good one so far , but then it does all help to make me remember what my days used to be like a few years ago and be completely grateful for everything I have now , my days back then certainly were never allowed to be this chilled out or relaxes and that's for sure 🦋 🐦🐌🐛🌳 .
 No way would I of ever gotten away with just simply sitting down relaxing doing absolutly nothing , drinking my tea and just generally watching the world go by  , no way would it be so quite or peaceful and no way would there be this no need to rush around in order to get everything done just in case the abuser suddenly came back home kicking off for the umpteenth time about absolutly nothing in particular ( mind you thinking sbout it I wasn't actually allowed to go to work back then either 🤔 ) .
This then makes me appreciate in turn that I now get to do things in my own sweet sometimes haphazard and quite often silly bomb happy little way , there's no worry of waiting for what could happen unexpectedly and deffinatly deffinatly no extra unneeded or unwanted stress or anxiety , my life is most deffinatly a totally a no Worry , no Hurry kind of life and I absolutly love it .
 I'm 100% grateful for everything and everyone I have now in my life and to anyone else whose stuck in the dark unforgiving bottomless pit of domestic abuse you too can have this kind of calmness , all you have to do is just take a mighty big deep breath and make that final leap for freedom . Granted Its not always easy and yes you do need to be braver than you've ever been or think you can be but if I can do it after 28yrs extremly long years of abuse then so can anyone else .  
I keep on saying it but its absolutly true anyone can just walk or run away from the abuse they are having to deal with if they really and truly want to . Never believe you can't do it because I promise yes you can , it's the negative thinking that your abuser has passed on to you that's the only thing that's stopping you . Once you leave behind all that negativity you will start seeing the sunshine start to come back in your life once again and you'll regain your self worth and value in no time  .
Always remember life is far too short to get it wrong or to waste any more of those valuable years being domestically abused by someone who says they care about you . Don't wait for life to slowly trickle by thinking you don't matter because you do and always will . Just grab life by the horns , break away from the domestic abuse and enjoy every single wonderful breath you take 😊

As the the late great Mr Noel Coward would sing..... 

 He was totally spot on with this way of thinking , with the right mind set you too can be seriously and totally busy doing absolutly nothing at all , going absolutly nowhere and yes its your own free choice and doing it means you won't have anytime left to be unhappy about because you never will have the time 😊 .
   As you  have probably noticed its the old hippy part of of me thats coming out today , its the side of me that had to hidden for far too long because it was considered " Not normal " but if that's the case then what counts as normal ?....
 I'd much rather be my abnormal self any day than be boring , personally I think it's all the domestic abusers out there that are " Not normal " not me !
 O.k I may have a few unusual and slightly odd habits ( like dipping my French Fries in my Strawberry milkshake 😋 ) but compared to all those domestic abusers out there mine are completly harmless and at least they don't hurt or effect anyone else . 
Thats the benifit of being allowed to be true to yourself  with no abuser control , your free to make your life completly your own in your own way by doing your own thing . 
Never feel your not a good enough person just because your abuser tells you and most importantly don't ever think you need to change in order to become the person your abuser says he wants . 
Always stay unique !

 Why try to be like everyone else ? ....
If we were all the same the world would be a
boring place don't you think ? .
  I think I'll stick to the chill out and relax  way of life now I've been lucky enough to be able to refind it again and I'll carry on drinking tea , munching on the odd random biscuit , counting the ants wandering around and watching the squirrels teasing my two  cats by jumping to the next branch in yhe tree at the very last minute ( I'm not sure which one gets the most enjoyment out of the last one but it certainly makes me laugh to watch it ) .

It may all sound like a very simplistic easy going type of existence but I'll have you know it can  take a great deal of hard work to do absolutly nothing !! 😊 .


Risk Factor.

  Domestic abuse happens and thats a fact !!.... but what isn't a fact is that it doest matter if you manage to escape it or not. the ri...