Controlling .

 

Control abuse is like having someone else pulling all the strings ..........

Abusers love to dominate and control , they seem to think that obviously whoever they happen to be with at the time can't possibly know how to live their own life correctly so they feel they need to show them how it should be done properly ( properly being their way and not yours of course ) .

 I've never really understood why an abuser gets together with someone and then feels that person needs to be changed or adapted . Why be with them in the first place if the other person concerned is that imperfect ? They don't like the colour of your hair or the way it's styled ,  they don't like the way you wear your make up , they don't like the style of clothes you wear , they dont like the way you may stand out in a group of people and the list can just go on and on , yet it was all perfectly excepable when they first started talking to you and they obviously liked it or else they wouldn't be doing it .

If they don't like all the above stuff why did they bother to start talking to you in the first place ? What you were like must have sparked their interest at some point , but no they decide you need their help to downgrade ( they will call it an upgtade or improvement but it wont be ) they do it so you can't stand out in a crowd and that no one else will notice you .

It's completely illogical and crazy thinking isn't it 🙃 .

 I've already written about some of the many things I wasn't "allowed " to do whilst with my now ex , the major ones being .....

 No work .

 No bank account .

No talking to other men .

Why were these not allowed ? Well, my guess is that it's all down to his own personal and pathetic insecurities . If I don't have a life outside the house , therefore I can't possibly go somewhere else or be with someone else  🤔 .

Now I know I'm not your classic hottie and there's a little bit more of me than there used to be thanks to having had three children but I do try to make the most of what I have and would like to think I don't scrub up to bad when it comes to having an evening out , none of it is done for anyone else's purpose now but my own and it has been known on odd rare occasions for a nice random guy to try to start trying to chat me up . None of any of this fun and games were ever considered exceptable behavour with the now ex . I'm his mind men and women only ever went out for one thing and no way could they all just be good friends having a great laugh .

If you're reading all of this and have never had someone try to control your entire existence then you may not fully understand exactly how someone can not be allowed to do anything and it's a bit of a tricky thing to try to explain . Just Imagine someone having the remote and master control to your life . You might want to go one way but no , the person in charge is moving you in a completely different direction to where you wanted to go and someone else is pulling all your strings . If you're not going or doing things the way your abuser wants, then life can become extremely unpleasant with emotional or physical abuse and after a while you stop fighting against it and just end up giving to it all for an easier life . Your are basically pulled in the direction that your abusers wants you in and not the way you wanted to go .

  Writing this and reading it all back makes me think what a complete total and utter Twit I must of been for letting it all happen at the time , surely if I wanted to work and have a bank account then why didnt I just go out and bloody well do it !!!  but no, my strings were being played by a master puppeteer and I had very little choice about any of it .

 At the time the abused victim can't see what's going on  , they can't see the slow and gradual slide into total dark oblivion , and by the time they do its too late and the abused begins to start thinking and actually believing their reliant on everything the abuser does or says .

 Breaking away from a control addict isn't always easy , but yes, it can be done . I decided one day I just couldn't keep having someone else control my life anymore so I took my control back and I cut all the strings , I removed the battery out of the remote control so my now ex controller can have no more power over me anymore .

I now have no strings attached to hold me down !!

 It's my life , and no one else's  , any mistakes I now make along the way are all my own , I take responsibility for them and then learn from them . 

 No one has the right to tell someone else what they can and can't do in a relationship .  Maybe it's the abuser that has all the mental heath problems with insecurity , neglect when younger , constantly craving and needing someone else's attention and not the ones they abuse 🤔

Maybe just maybe the abusers of this world are the crazy ones with msjor issue's and not abused !!!!!!!!

 If you feel like someone else is controlling your every move then why not just simply take the control back , cut those strings and break free .

  

  

 

 

  

  

  

 

  

Never Give up .

 

 

Domestic abuse am I pr was I ever scared of it ?  I used to be but not anymore ............

   I was having a nice couple of drinks with some friends the other afternoon (something that would have been totally out of the question with my ex ) and one turned out to be an old neighbour from years ago so we ended up having a great amazing catch up  .

 This lovely ex neighbour remembered me being with my now ex and asked where he was , I explained that I had no idea and didn't care where he was or what the hell he was up to , that I hadn't been with him for a good few years now and as the drinks began to flow I explained more in detail .

 I spoke about everything just as I always do when writting these posts . Like I've said before I'm more than happy to talk about it and share my story to anyone that asks or wants to listern and I don't hold back with any of the information either ( yes the regular emotional blackmailed rape is included in the conversations too  ) .

 One very interesting thing that they mentioned to me was that although at the time I had lived in that particular road for just over 5 yrs and they recognised me straight away and knew my name but they said that they had never once met or spoken a single word to my ex . 

  This speaks volumes about how anti social a domestic abuser can really be . How can you live somewhere for years and not know or have any communication with any of your own close neighbours ? 

 It used to be one of those really nice lovely friendly roads where everyone knew each other , they helped each other out when it was needed and the children all knew and went to school together .

 But no the ex just hid himself away from all of this in his own special secret little barricaded Fort where in his small little mind he was the great all powerful master of everything and everyone .

One question I was asked by the neighbour   was am I not worried or concerned about what my ex would do or say if he ever found out what I was telling people ?.....

My answer was a massive great big NO !!!!! 

Why would I be worried about something that I didn't do ? I wasn't the abuser and  I've done nothing wrong . Why should I be scared of someone who isn't even man enough to offer any apologies to those he might hurt along the way .

 If the ex doesn't like what I'm saying or doing then that's his tough luck because he shouldn't have done it all in the first place . 

Abusers are nothing but big overgrown school bullies really and if someone bigger comes along the abuser can have a habit of then turning into nothing but a pathetic little shaking cowards .

They are the ones that should be worried not the ones they have abused . 

No I'm not and never will be worried or concerned because I now as I've said before now kick arse back and I won't ever let anyone try to take over or control my life again . If what I say or write isn't liked by the ex ( thats if he ever finds it or hears it of course ) then that's his problem not mine and at least what I'm saying is the truth and nothing like one of his many lies or over dramatic story's he likes to tell .

People who know me know me well and if they don't know me and chose to believe the ex then I don't want to know them and I dont care , its that simple .     

    Who or what others decide to believe is entirely up to them and which ever direction they decide to go is up to them too .  

 One other thing that I get mentioned to me occasionally is that I'm brave or inspirational to others for doing this but I disagree  and I honest don't think that I am , I'm just simply giving myself counselling or self help therapy as I go along and I have to say its all been going pretty good so far thank you very much 😊 .

I'm just putting out there all the crazy mixed up thoughts and feeling  that had been festering inside my head for years and to those that read or listern to me I owe a great deal of thanks to because I couldn't do any of it without you all . 

  To all those who have either been there like myself or are still battling agaist domestic abuse please never forget that you can honestly survive it and live your free life once again .

 I intend to keep on telling my story to others and to keep on going with these various posts because it's you guys out there that are helping me to help others and I couldn't do any of it without all your much needed and deeply valued support .

  

I know some just read blogs and then find something else afterwards without wanting or needing to follow people but there are also fellow victims out there who just quietly read and think " oh ..that's just like me but I'm not ready to admit it out loud yet " ( I know that feeling all too well because I was once like that ) .

 If you are one of those fellow silent victims then please follow and we can walk the road of recovery together . Check out my profile to to find my Blog email if anyone needs to scream , shout or swear about anything , all contact will remain 100% confidential . 

 There really is I promise a better life after domestic abuse and it really is honestly totally outstanding !!!!!

 

  

               

  

 

 

  

  

  

  

  

 

Abuse questions .

 

Domestic Abuse comes with a hundred questions attached so let's try to answer just a few .............

What are just some of the many differant types of Domestic abuse ?....

Physical abuse

Sexual abuse

Emotional abuse

Financial abuse

Narcissistic abuse

Coercive abuse

Gaslighting abuse

 

There's many other types but these are just the first ones that sprung to my mind . 

All of the above are horrendous and just plain soul destroying .  

 No-one has the right to do any of the above to someone else who they are supposed to care about .

All can of course be escaped from when the time is right .

          Chances of recovery = 100%

        -------------------------------------------------

What are some of the warning signs of a domestic abusive person ?...... 

Jealousy 

Possessiveness 

Controlling behavour

Impossible expectations

Isolating another person

Passing on the blame to others

Being hypersensitive 

Speedy involvement

Again there are many more to add but all have their own major red flags 🚩🚩

 If you spot any of these in someone then my suggestion is to avoid them at all costs before it overtakes your life .

All as a rule it starts without you even realising what's happening , by the time you do work out that something isn't quite right your already being smothered by it .

          Chances of recovery =100%

          ----------------------------------------

What are the worst things you can say to an abuser ?......

No 

Stop playing the victim 

Your not listening 

Your being a bully 

It's your fault not mine 

Life is'nt just all about you

I've had enough I'm leaving

All can be said if your feeling brave enough but there will be consequences attached for daring to do so . Always look out for any consequence for your actions .

Escaping from the situation can be done .

       Chances of recovery =100%

      

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What are some of the signs of emotional abuse ?.......

Putting you down in front of others

Trying to humiliate you in front of others

Trying to embarrass you in front of others.

Using eveything and anything to make you feel bad about yourself.

Having negative opinions about everything you do or say . 

I know all to well about the above and even more was thrown in my direction on a regular basis . 

In a very bazaar way its like making you feel small makes them feel bigger .

         Chances of recovery = 100%

           ----------------------------------------

What can trigger Domestic abuse ?......

When the abuser can't get their own way .

When they feel their self image is under threat .

When they feel they are being criticised. 

When they feel they are being neglected.
When they sense it that someone else can pick up on their bad behavour.

When they are asked to apologise for something they have done .

This is yet another one of those lists that could just go on and on and on . Abusers hate being made to feel inadequate so will go out of their way to make sure they are the most important person in anyone life and they dont really seem to care how they get there .

            Chances of recovery = 100%

As you can proberly tell by now the whole subject about domestic abuse is full of endless questions that don't really have decent enough answers ( some questions can never be answered ) ,  but all can have a 100% chance of a full recovery once you've broken away from it .

The biggest question is.......

   

why do abusers do what they do ?....

 

and this is one of those things that will unfortunately never have a good enough answer . 

Why would anyone feel the need to dish out form's of emotional and/or physical abuse to someone their meant to love and care for ?...

Is it just that they haven't yet grown out of their toddler terrible two phase and now like getting their own way in life a little too much.

Or maybe their brains are just completly wired up differently to everyone else's and in their minds it's the rest of us that are just crazy dreamers and not them at all .

   There is and never will be a good enough excuse or reason for anyone to treat someone else to any form of domestic abuse !!!! 

 Abusers will never apologise for their own actions ( some might but it's never truly meant ) and they will never take full responsibility for them either . 

Abusers in their own mind are never wrong so therefore they can't see what their doing is wrong . They seem to think in their mind that everything that is done is perfectly acceptable behavour so whats the problem .

Personally no I don't think I'll ever find all the answers to the endless questions but it won't stop me from reaching out to try to help others .

 If anyone needs any moral support after first breaking away from domestic abuse then you will be able to find my Blog email in my profile  as you can tell I may not have all the answers but at least I can be there just like a friend .  Any communication will of course be kept totally confidential .

Please feel free to express your options , more questions or even maybe answers but try to remember before you do that some of those answers are really only nothing more but excuses for an abusers bad behavour and that when you try to answer any you may discover there's more questions than answered. 

  If you look I have always put a chance of recovery = 100% after each major question and that's because absolutly big time it can be done , OK yes it may take a while and your brain can get seriously muddled at times but if I can move on after my 28yr domestic abusive imprisonment then honestly yes anyone can ,  there is only one person stopping you at the end of the day and that's you !!