Saturday, June 24, 2023
From the very moment you are born you will need to put your trust in other people , the nurses or doctors that help you take your first breath and your parents for the decisions they take to raise you .
You need to trust your teachers to help provide you with the right education to see you through life that then this in turn leads you to having to trust your future Boss and work colleagues , the list of people you need to trust in life just goes on and on .
Then you'd like to think that whoever you decided to settle down and spend your future with would trust you just as much as you trust them but unfortunatly this isn't always the case , You may trust them but they may not necessarily always share the same level of trust back and this is where some problems can lay.
Domestic abusers have a major serious lack of trust with anything , everyone and anyone and especially with the person they are with at the time and the same person who they are supposed to care about .
Because of their total and complete lack of trust you could find yourself not able to do some of the more normal everyday things in life .
Personally I wasn't allowed to have a bank account , work or spend too long doing anything else that didn't invole putting my now ex at the centre of my attention and because I simply wasnt trusted I therefore wasnt allowed to do anything , go anywhere or speak to anyone ( especially not the opposite sex ) .
Even just taking a quick five minute trip to the local supermarket for a loaf of bread or a top up of more milk had to be done with full military persission timing or else I could fully expect my phone to ring and I could find myself either having to put my camera on to prove where I was or hold my phone in the air so the background noises could be heard ( with no thought given on how daft I might of looked at the time ) .
You naturally want to trust who you are with not to hurt or harm you in any way but that trust can get slowly and painfully broken down once the abuse starts , it can creep up on you unexpectedly just when you least expect it and then slowly it all begins to take-over your entire being , if you some how manage to escape from your abusers web a valuable part of your jigsaw puzzle in life then becomes lost and its that special little piece you need called trust .
It may only be a small piece but it's crucial part and it's really difficult to live life without it , it's not untill you stop to think about it that you realise just how many people and things you need to put your trust in during one single day .
Can you genuinely hold your hand up high and declare , yes I have the capability to put my trust in someone else !!!! ?......
I might of taken me a brief spell to get there while but yes I can say I have my lost trust back , I still rely a lot on my intuition about some people but as a rule its never really let me down .
If I'm unsure about someone then I always try to give them a fair chance , some become life long trusted friends and some are just left to annoy someone else in a differentplace preferably .
Those that become friends are just like a true diamond , they are very rare but incredibly valuable and I certainly wouldn't be where I am without them ( they know who they are and that I will never be able to thank them enough ) .
Then you have to make that massive big decision of can you ever trust someone else in your life again ?....
No one else can make that decision for you but yourself , yes you can simply just wrap yourself up in a form of bubble wrap to protect yourself for the rest of your life never trusting anyone ever again or you can take a great big deep breath , take the lesp and try again to find the missing piece of your puzzle with someone else , if your lucky the trust you once lost will be easey to get re-found once again and life can then just continue in its own sweet contented little way .
Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't and sometimes you may need to just keep on trying with it but you will never know untill you give it a go and put your trust out there with someone . You may need to start your entire jigsaw puzzle all over again but it can and will be all worth it in the end and the end result could be a great improvement on the last picture you were trying to create .
Piece by piece start slowly putting it all thse pieces back together again making sure you are totally happy that each and every bit fits exactly way you want it to be , Never try to rush it and just always take your time , it's your future your building so why not make it a good one 😊 .
It's your own personal jigsaw so why not design it your own unique way and in your own time , you get to choose what's in the end result so don't waste your time on anything fake and slways use the real pieces that fit .
Always believe that one day you will find all those valuable missing pieces and that jigsaw will finally get completed , maybe not as fast as you may like it but it will and can happen and your life will start to begin feeling complete too .
I was lucky and found my missing piece 😊
Wednesday, June 21, 2023
Search for domestic abuse online and what do you get ? You'll find some great advice and amazing helpful groups to ring and loads of information for women ......
But what about the guys out there dont they need help too ? Why don't they get the same sort of support as the women ?...
Granted yes it is out there but it's not always that easy to find and unfortunately it's not so easy for them to talk about it .
Isn't male abuse exactly the same as female abuse ?......
Unfortunately not in all cases , the abuse may be similar but the aftercare isn't always .
Male domestic abuse is an even bigger elephant in the room that female abuse and that's just not good enough . All abuse victims should be treated in exactly the same regardless of who you are .
The group above called Mankind are based in England and I'm fairly sure other countries will have similar versions of their own , I know of the amazing work of this group because I've met some people that they have successfully helped .
Surviving abuse is a tough enough road to travel on at the best of times but for the men out there it must be an even tougher journey .
The police certainly don't always want to take it as seriously and if there's children envolved in the relationship the mother still automatically gets to keep them even if it's her that was the abuser in the first place and with no questions asked ( wrong on so many variouse levels if you ask me ) . In order to win custody of any children involved has to endure many years of fighting , prove he can be a good hard working father , have a possible police check to make sure he has a clean police record and then have variouse questions given to him in order to prove he can do the job proberly .
What checks or questions does the mother get ?......
She is automatically awarded care of the children without having any tests or checks even if she is known to be the domestic abuser .
Meanwhile the poor father is just left
having to just except it and see his children when and if its allowed , how can all that be fair to the father ?....
Your right it isn't fair and he will be wondering why the system is so one sided.
If a domestic abusive relationship the police end it getting called who do you think they will question first ?.....
Yes in the real life both parties should be treated equally but that isn't always the case plus it depends on just how good an actress the woman can be .
If the police are called and the women declared she was physically attacked the father would have been arrested almost straight away and put in a police cell ( fair enough ) but when he finally gets a chance to talk about his side do you honestly think he will be believed ?......
Unfortunately I doubt it very much too .
Now turn it around , if the man had rung and said he'd been physically attacked by the woman would the woman be arrested straight away or would the police question it further before they do ( especially if there's a lack of evidence or witnesses) , is this fair treatment ? ........
No not even close to it !!!!!!
This is something I personally feel really strongly about because men and women should have identical treatment , support and aftercare but in a lot of cases it doesn't happen . There's not nearly enough refuges for men and even then I know of examples of where the aftercare has been virtually non-existent .
Again this is not good enough !
If you are male and are or have suffered from domestic abuse please just keep going , the few groups out there that can help you will do as much as they possibly can to support you .
Everything I write is meant for all and yes of course it includes the boys out there , why would I exclude them ? , they need exactly the same help as anyone else .
The blog email that can be found in my profile is for all , male or female and I will exactly the same confidentiality to all , Its there in case anyone feels the need to reach out for support ( I may not have the answers but I will listern ) .
I once unfortunately had to leave a domestic abuse Facebook group because they made the ridiculous decision they were going to become ladies only , I asked why and their answer was simply because abusers were finding and contacting their victims through it........excuse me but shouldn't they have sorted out their privacy settings first rather than automatically assume all the abusers had to be male !!!!!
Yep as you've guessed I was totally and utterly gobsmacked with the answer and promptly left following them and I kindly informed them just how ridiculous their excuse was , I know there was a few gentlemen that were brave enough to use it so why on earth exclude them ? .....
This is a perfect example of how totally and completely unfair it is for any male that's being abused and how disgusting it is to instantly blame them for what could be going on at home . Trying to find an image stating that abuse towards men needs to stop was virtually impossible ( which in itself is outrageous) so I decided there needed to be one and here it is , please feel free to share it , screenshot it and use it if needed ( it's made by me so full permission given to do as you like with it ) .
Wake up !!!! It doesn't matter if your male female , gay , straight or even Alien domestic abuse is exactly the same thing and everyone should be treated the same way .
Everything I have ever posted on here , facebook , Instagram , Threads , X ( was Twitter ) and Quora are meant for all , I will never instantly condem or judge others .
Please find below the contact details for the English group Mankind . ( many apologies to other countries ) . They will listern and help and most importantly they will not automatically blame or accuse .
Monday, June 19, 2023
Wished I had read this letter to myself all those years ago before I met my now ex abuser....
Dear polskie ,
I am you in the future and at this particular period of time in your life you are a happy go lucky reasonably content young lady without many cares in the big wide
world.Your having great fun being nineteen,going out with friends ,visiting various nightclubs and enjoying meeting new people.You will have a great future to look forward to and yes I agree giving up smoking will be a fantastic idea and maybe reconsider the not so bright plan to dye your hair blue ( it will cost a fortune to correct if you do ).
The friends you make now will be your long term ones and they will always be there in the background when you really need them so look after them all well and they will never let you down .
You wll have a few serious and major decisions to make as you get older,some easy and some not so easy but all should have good final end results, always try to believe in yourself and good things will follow.Never regret any decision you make along the way because they are all a learning curve towards your future , try really hard to believe in each and everyone one you make because if you don't no one else will either .
Good news... your future children will inherit your outlook on life so raise them well and they will be great in everything they try to achieve. Remember to teach them all the good old fashion manners you were once taught by your mother and instal in them that in order to get any respect in life first you should earn it and second you should deserve it.
When you get to around the age of 50 there may be a few little unexpected surprises coming your way(nothing bad and all good ) You will totally shock yourself by gained more than twice the amount of exams that you have just received from school and you will discover you are slightly more intelligent than you actually think that you are ( yes even with dyslexia).
Work wise you will do many variouse jobs along the way and some will be better than others but all of these will give you some great life experiences so enjoy them and always try to work hard at whatever you decide to do.
As the years go by you will have to face a few unpleasant events and you will need to learn from them ,yes you will make your mistakes along the way but you just need to just keep on going forward because it will all be worth it in the end .
Now comes the warning....
Please think twice when your choosing who to date and plan your long term future with care. All may not be what it seems at first.You may meet someone along the way that tells you loads of dramatically sad storys about their past,be really careful here because you may not be told the complete truth about everything .listern to your intuition and if in doubt just don't go there.
If you still end up going in the same direction I once went then don't wait till its almost too late to do anything about it, make that all important life changing decision earlier . Don't ever believe your not worth it or not needed to anyone , you may get told you are many unpleasant nasty things but it's all not true and never try to change who you are just because someone else thinks that you should
Keep being true to yourself and always remain the same optimistic person you have always been , even that little stubborn streak in you will get used to good effect when it's really needed .
Never forget the wise words once given to you by your grandfather that" Good manners can carry you anywhere " and continue trying to make him proud of you even after he says his final last goodbye.
Be patient in your life and wait because one day that right person will come along eventually and they will fit perfectly into your jigsaw of life,this may come as a little bit of an unexpected surprise but it will deffinatly be worth the wait so never stop believing it can eventually happen so keep that special night light burning .
Always believe in your dreams at night because some are giving you a hint of what the future may hold , if your asked to make a promise during one of them then dont hesitate to mean it when you make it because that one single promise could be the key to opening a brand new exciting door in your future .
You may find yourself one day deciding to tell the world about your life story so take care when writing it ,always remain honest and genuine doing it because it will have the possibility of helping many other people along the way.Never be afraid of meeting challenges as you go because those that may read it could have some of their own to fight too and you can prove that you should never say never . Write with meaning , truth and above all else honesty at all times .
Always keep that unique sense of humour you have inherited because there will be times when it will be the only thing that will help keep you sane, a smile costs nothing so try sharing yours around .Try to make your days have as much laughter in it as possible because life is too short not to enjoy it.
Yes you will get the odd sad day but always remember that tomorrow is a brand new day and it can be outstanding.
Enjoy the life you live .
Your future self x
Sunday, June 18, 2023
Don't you think sometimes we should all be able to get references and reviews from the exs of the person your interested in ?.....
Just imagine the sort of stuff that could be written about a domestic abuser or narcissist when it comes to a review 🤔 My exs reference would say something along the lines of ...
Faulty goods , avoid using if possible .
Do not use without wearing appropriate safety equipment .
Has a tenancy to malfunction on random occasions .
Been known to contain toxic waste .
Contains a government heath warning .
Potential fire hazard with a tendency to create harmful sparks .
First aid may be required if used .
⭐️ 0 stars given .
Seriously though , yes we may have Claires Law over here in England where people can be checked out ( for a more detailed explanation about it I suggest looking it up ) but some can and do still unfortunaty slip through the net and they find their next victim and ironically some abusers even use it to their own advantage and then have the nerve to act the injured party after it all goes wrong .
Abusers and Narcissists in some cases could win numerous endless best actor Oscars for their " who me ? , Never !!! , I didnt do it " performance but those of us who had the joy of dealing with one of them of course know them much much better . Just like an expert burglar abusers will never get caught in action , they will wait untill the coast is all clear to then commit their crime , how can they possibly play the innocent party if they get caught in the act ?...
Just imagine if you knew exactly what they were really like before you got together with them , would you have still have gone there ?....
No , neither would I ( in fact I would have run in the opposite direction of far far away ) .
Maybe we could do them the equivalent of a school report card , with various grades on their abilities 🤔 .
Personally no I don't think my now ex would do very well at all with any of it and there would be an awful lot of " could do better " on it .
If someone warned you in advance about what that person was really like would you really of listened to them ? Or would you fall for the oldest trick in the book and believe all their lies and excuses ?.....
Yes of course I would listern and then because I believe there normally two sides to every story I'd give that person a fair chance to prove what I had heard was wrong , I'd also trust my intuition and any sign of it trying to tell me something didn't seem right then leave before it even started .
Like I said domestic abusers are the greatest of all actors they can pretend to be absolutely anyone they choose to be when others are watching , they become chameleon like and they can turn on the tears like a tap instantly , they can manage to become Godzilla faster than Superman can fly .
One minute they are the clown trying to make you laugh and the next they can become Frankinstiens monster trying to scare you as soon as no-one is looking .
Maybe abusers should have a 3 strikes and your out clause attached . Life could be such a better place and so much easier if they all wore markers don't you think ? Or maybe little labels stating please proceed with caution .
One thing I have done and will contue to do is try to make contact my exes latest victim once they separate , I simply wait and when his been dumped yet again because of his controling behavour I then introduce myself ( as they have bound to have hear all about me and various terrible stories ) and simply say " I know exactly what you have just been through and I'm here if you need to talk to someone " .
If they don't want to talk then that's fine and I'll leave them alone untill their ready but if they change their mind then I'm always available when or if they need it .
Yes it could lead to all sort of possible problems but so far it's all worked out just fine and I'll keep on doing it 😊 , in fact its been quite an enjoyable experience exchanging comparisons and swapping funny stories .
It's not perhaps something I would highly recommend just anyone try to do but its working for me and in my defence I'm not afraid anymore of what my ex could say or do if ever he discovered what I was up to , like I said before I'm a considerabley stronger person than I was back then .
So if your about to start in a potentially brand new relationship may I suggest you proceed with a certain degree of caution , there's a really good chance the new model could be in absolute full working order but if just on the off chance you pick up a slightly defective one then please don't even attempt to continue using .
If in any doubt why not do a little bit of homework , ask casual questions around and see what reviews you get . If the reviews are all good then you should have nothing to worry about but if there's anything negative then listern to it and make a wise decision .
How would I feel if someone was asking questions about me ?...
If I'm honest I think I might take it as a bit of compliment ( and that's something I'm not particularly good at ) . If their asking then their curious and if their curious that means their possibly interested 🤔 .
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