Thursday, August 17, 2023

Never be " owned " .


Narcissists and Abusers all seem to think they "own" you.......

   This I've never really understood , what gives them the right to actually think that they can own a fellow living free thinking person ?.... 
Notice I used the words free thinking here because at the begining of the relationship you can feel free to think for yourself , you start off being able to have your own thoughts , own opinions on things , wearing what you want , seeing who you want and doing whatever it is you want . 
  You can soon forget about having any freedom when a domestic abuser comes into your life , all that silliness will soon get lost along with most of your sanity . 
They will slowly take away or try to change anything that you say or do because it may threaten their very much valued security . This same security that they seem to be extremly protective of they can also take from someone else by trying to shut off any outside contact ( family and friends included ) , they have to feel that they are the one and only person of any value in your life and they will refuse flatly to share you with anyone or anything else . 

Control starts to happen almost straight away except you can't always see it at the time , abusers are very good at what they do so you don't tend to notice what's going on when it begins to  happen. 
They can start with some of what they would call  " constructive criticisms " like " are you really sure you want to wear that ? " and they then slowly start to grow and change over a period of time into " WTF are you wearing !!!! " .
 All those constructive criticisms then develope into constant and consistent put downs and belittling comments that slowly burn away at your inner core , leaving you to believe you are everything that they say you are .
This then in turn can drain away your self worth and  you end up believing you really are what they say you are .

 Many years ago I once found myself being proposed to on the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris by my now ex ( every girls romantic dream right ? 🤔 ) . 

The next day I was very kindly informed that he was thinking of getting " property of " inscribed on the inside of my new ring  , this I took as what I thought at the time to be just a silly little joke but how wrong could I of been , next came the " that ring now means I own you " Comment and again I laughed that one off too , both comments should have created endless warning signals but I couldn't see them at the time .
 Another unseen red flag moment came on the ferry back home when I was told not to make a big fuss or show off my nice new glistening shiny engagment ring to anyone else or make any embarrassing scenes about it 💍 🚩.

 Ownership to them means they have the perfect right to control your every breath and movement , you can't do anything without their permission and God forbid you actually did something spontaneous or instinctively without them knowing about it . 
 They seem to think you are completly incapable of doing absolutly everything so of course they need to tell you how you need to live your life or else you obviously wouldn't be able to survive . 


Freedom away from an abuser is a unbelievablely wonderful glorious thing !! 

  You strangly seem to be more than capable to cope with life all on your own and you can successfully deal with all it decides to chuck in your direction very well too  . 
Any mistakes that come along your way  simply become a lesson learnt  and you just keep on traveling forward . 
 It can be a wonderful life being true to yourself and well worth the effort if you try , there is a whole big wide world out there to explore , enjoy and it's all for free so why not experience it !
 I no longer have my old engagement ring , I decided that there was only one proper and right fitting end to it and that was to sell the stupid thing for scrap !!  ( a decision I should add I've never regretted) .
It was sold the very next day after I told the ex we were finished , I didn't get very much for it but that sort of summed up the entire 28yr relationship really don't you think 🤔 . 
  There's very little left in my house from that particular horrendous period of time in my life now and that's because I decided that I didn't want or need any reminders of what my life used to be like and I wanted to concentrate on the future that was now all mine to live for myself   .

 No one will ever own me , I am a free person and I now get to do whatever I want , when I want , with whoever I want  ( within reason of course 😉 ) .
 Would I ever get engaged again ?....

 Maybe but I'd prefer not to be handed the receipt at the same time of how much the ring cost next time please 🤣🤣

Freedom as it says below can somtimes take a great deal of courage but it's most definitely one of the greatest things I've ever given myself ( apart from my children of course ) .
  All the happiness I have now stems from that one original light bulb moment were I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore and I wasn't going to allow anyone else to control my life for me or think that they own me .

Tuesday, August 15, 2023



Escaping and breaking free from a narcissist/abuser is just the start......

Realising you need to put an end to the situation you may find yourself in with an abuser is one thing but then to actually do something about it is a totally differant thing all together . OK you've finally had your light bulb moment and decided you can't keep on going in a physical or emotional domestic abusive relationship and summed up all your bravely to inform your abuser you won't put up with it anymore and you've had enough of them but then what ?

That magical wake up light bulb moment is just the begining of your future so you need to plant that seed of your self inner growth very well . 
The first few days will all seem a bit bewildering and scary because you have become so used to doing everything your abuser has wanted , they will plead their case with their fake broken hearted tears saying their sorry and other unmeaningful things like " let's start again " but then when this doesn't work next comes the anger . 
You will get called endless disgusting vile things and all sorts of bazaar things will get brought up in various arguments and they will in no uncertain terms tell you exactly what they think of you but once you've got past this horrible part then the rest is relatively easy ( honestly in comparison it really is ) .

 First things first you need to stop and catch your breath , you have just made a massively important decision for your future and it can't be rushed . 
There's a lot of very raw and honest conversations to be had with total random strangers and you may need to find a trusted friend to talk to if you've managed to still keep one and this is where the email in my profile can come in if it's needed and I give my word what ever is spoken about will remain confidential . 
  You have now just successfully planted your seed in all the far too heavy stuff you've been carrying around for far too long and it's now begining to start to grow and take root .

 Make sure you collect together all your private personal things in a safe place ( things like bank details , passport , driving licence and other things like that ) because your going to need them at some point . 
 If you have enough time to prepare before hand then make a secret emergency bag with all the above in and a change of clothes just in case its needed abd you need to leave in a hurry .
 I learnt quite early on that stuff is just stuff and it can always be replaced if needed , so don't worry about the non important things just concentrateon on yourself and your children if you have any .

  There are so many various amazing groups of helpful people out there who can and will advise you if you only ask , they would have heard what your about to tell them before so won't be shocked by anything you have to say . 
They will take you at your own pace and if you fall they will help pick you up again . I only know about the English ones  but I'm positive there will be the same kind of help out there for other countries so just check it out on the Internet if your able or trust someone else to do it for you .  

  After you have made all the calls , spoken to all the right people and got the help you so rightly deserve then the rest is all up to you now , its going to be your own outstanding future so why not make it a really good one ? .
  Your inner strengh ( I've spoken about that before ) will slowly start to grow so you need to nurture it and feed it well with every small successful step you take forward , these small steps will gradually get bigger as you go along the road of recovery and that inner strengh will grow with you  .

You will see the inner growth begin with your confidence and self worth , that once submissive scared person will become no more and instead there will be a most brilliantly strong all powerful person instead . The person you used to be will start to return and supprise , abd you'll decover your are not as disgusting or worthless as your fingers crossed now ex abuser once convinced you that you were .

  That seed you originally planted is now just growing and growing , its roots are getting stronger by the day . As I've said quite a few times now that feeling once you first realise that you've managed to successfully escape is phenomenal  , you seem to just smile constantly for no apprent logical reason and people start to notice the way you are behaving . 
 Family and friends will come back out of the darkness to speak to you again , in a really odd way its interesting to hear what your now ex was once saying to others about you and my bets are that it wasn't you that they didn't want to visit but it was because of who else was there instead .

  Now let's end on a more positive thought....
You have all seen a Poppy growing somewhere but did you know that a poppy loves to grow in soil that has once been neglected ? .. It's true !.🌺
Think of all those poppy fields where there's been a war many years ago in france , even though horrendous things may of once happened in that field those Poppies still manage to raise their heads to the sun and become beautiful and so can you 😊 .













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