I've been delaying this part because it's the begining of the serious dark scary stuff (even walking the dog in icey cold rain in mid winter seemed a better alternative)....
The previous stuff has been relatively easy to write but this one is taking a lot longer due to so many thoughts and memories to plough through , put into some sort of order and that in turn means even more questions to to find answers for .
I think it was the phone call that triggered the next upgrade in the abuse . It was from my mum telling me she had finally been diagnosed with terminal Cancer after being tested for various other things . This then led to me dividing my time between doing the school run , looking after child No2 and going to see my mum . To show his compasion , care and support I began to get big sulks thrown my way because he felt I wasn't giving him nearly enough attention ( how dare I put my dying mother before him ! ) .
Personally I'd never recommend to anybody to help organise their own mothers wedding and funeral in the same month and it was the begining of an extremely dark lonely period of time for me .
To be fair he did manage to take a couple of hours off from work to go to the wedding with his lovely new video camera and he took the only recording of the wedding service that later moved house when he moved out and I've never seen it since ( but I did manage to file away the photos taken that day when he wasn't looking ) He did come to the funeral too but I'm sure that was only so he could see who I was speaking to anyone I shouldn't and that there really was one happening on that day .
Mum had certainly not been idle whilst she had been ill and she had sorted everything out perfectly on where she wanted everything to go and to who . Of course the bulk was headed in the direction of my siblings and myself and if you think back I still didn't have a bank account so all the money went into his and I apparently " only had to ask when I needed some ".
To this day I still have no idea if I ever I got it all back or if some was siphoned off but I do remember that he was utterly disgusted I never offered him any large sums of it to buy random stuff he wanted and obviously I had to pay for a holiday and Christmas that year because it must of been my turn .
I think this whole intensely dismal foggy episode must of been the beginings of me very slowly waking up to the real world although I didn't see it at the time . I had lost a little bit of weight ( I've never really been overweight anyway) and built up a nice small collection of decent new clothes and this of course wasn't going unnoticed and the comments soon started again about me having affairs.
Child No2 had started school and he had another one of his perfect solution to all of our problems....... hide my contraceptive pills !! ( he later said he did it as a joke ) .
This now raises a really interesting question , if according to him I was frigid and never wanted it how on earth was I ever going to conceive let alone have all those endless affairs ? The answers easy , you just simply emotionally blackmail the other person into it . You simply make life as uncomfortable, awkward and as differcult as possible , you tighten up the purse strings even more than they were before and then instantly expect to get what you want with no affection , kisses or foreplay and then when you've finished you simply just get to go back downstairs to watch the football leaving the other person to wonder WTF !! had just happened ( can't possibly imagine why I never really wanted it with him , let alone from anyone else ? 🤔 ).
Another major big mistake made by myself was giving in the first time , once its started it didn't stop in fact it only got worse . I would lay awake most nights dreading the slightest sound on the stairs and listening for when everything downstairs was switched off ( on a really good night the football was still left on so he could still hear it upstairs ! ) , even pretending to be asleep didn't work after a while because I'd only get sworn at and pushed around until I " woke up again ".
Somehow I did manage to get pregnant again but that led unfortunately to a very early miscarrage and naturally all the blame fell on me because " I obviously didn't want it in the first place so I deserved it ". A few months later came succes and we were expecting child no3 .
This time roud I had the most oddest peculier unlike me feelings going on mentally , a sort of being in a fuzzy bubble looking out kind of feeling . I was my normal happy go lucky self to everyone else on the outside but when I was on my own it felt like I was somewhere distant , lost and very very much alone.
