Saturday, January 27, 2024

Mission Not-so impossible.



After my over extended period of emotional and mental domestic abuse I'm now a firm believer that nothing is impossible....

 I've already written about how it all began and fragments of events in previous posts so I won't bore everyone with repeating myself ( I do far too much of that sort of thing as it is ) , but the part that I will go over yet again is the breaking away from it .
 Domestic abuse in any of its various forms can feel like all the time you're living through it impossible to escape from , when the relationship first started everything seemed perfectly normal but gradually over time the person who you first thought was your perfect Mr/Mrs wonderful turns out to be the equivalent of Frankinstiens monster and the beautiful red roses loving sent with hearts and kisses turn out to have evil nasty sharp thorns attached .

  One day you start to notice that maybe just maybe things aren't quite what they should be . You look around and start to notice that other couples don't appear to have a master controller, but instead they both work as a team . You then start becoming more observant about how other couples treat each other and the respect they give . 
  All this starts the begining of that moment where you wake up one day and realise that the life your living isn't a normal one . It can happen instantly or slowly like a leaky waterpipe but it's that final waking up of " I can't do this s£%t anymore " moment that can start the whole great escape .  

  The totally mixed up feelings of knowing what you have to do are always edged with a little bit of fear but that's only because you find yourself doubting your own actions and because you've successfully been brain washed into believing you only have one half functioning brain cell . That fear of the unknown will get used by the abuser to try to keep you where they think you should belong but that's only their own personal insecurities going into overdrive  .
  Once that seed of reality gets planted deep inside and it starts to grow the more stronger you will become and you start to rediscover that actually your a pretty bloody brilliant kind of person really . 

   I remember well that feeling of when the overwhelming weight of domestic abuse began to lift away and that feeling of final freedom is something I will never forget .
  Yes , there will be a very good chance that your captor may not like your actions but don't ever let that stop you being a free person , they will try everything from tears to anger to try to keep you where they want you to be but if your lucky and find your door of your abusive cage wide open then I suggest you keep on going through it before it snaps back shut again , trapping you back in for possibly endless years to come .

   Freedom..... it's what ever you want yours to be , once you reclaim your life back its then entirely up to you which direction you decide to travel . Ask for help from which ever groups are out there in whatvever country you may be in . Be fully prepared to be honest and open ( even if it means breaking down in front of complete strangers) , the people out there who can and will help are full of advice and guidance so why not use it .

   Scary maybe at the very begining but WOW !! it's the greatest journey an abused victim can ever take , it's a thing that only a survivor could really fully understand, I think . You start to notice all the silly little almost completely forgotten about things in life like how peaceful things can become without having to constantly watch your own back and being able to dress in what ever clothes you want or deciding randomly that you fancy a nice stroll around the local park just because you can and you know there's no one clock watching you ( or ringing to say " where the hell are you " as in my case ) .

  Freedom from domestic abuse is absolutely outstanding and that's exactly why I'm now doing what I'm doing by reaching out and supporting others , maybe I should as I've said before thank my now ex abuser because without the abuse given none of you wouldn't be reading any of this 🤔 .
 I'm here as living proof there is and can be life after domestic abuse and that yes escaping from it can be done if you really want it . It's well worth all the hassle and various phone calls made , late night cups of tea wondering what the hell to do next and the " OMG !..what the hell have I just done " moments . 

  Remember the childhood story written by Hans Christian Anderson about the ugly duckling and how it was once laughed at by others ? ....

  Well , why not be just like that Swan in the story and show everyone  just what an amazing brilliant beautiful person had been hidden away under the all too dark stormy clouds of domestic abuse . Why not take back the control of your own life , spread those perfect wings and then just take flight !!

  Seriously if you've not been one of the lucky ones like myself and many others then I fully suggest it as a consideration , life can be a tough enough battle sometimes without having to carry the burden of domestic abuse along with it . All those various groups and social media sites out there will act as the prefect safety net ready to catch you if you think your going to fall and they certainly wont ever judge or critize any mistakes made along the way .

  Why not make it your mission not- so -impossible to break away from what ever it may be that you feel is holding you back in life !!!!!!!!










Tuesday, January 23, 2024

More questions than answers .


Why do domestic abusers feel the need to do what they do ?....

  This is a question I've often sat down and given a lot of thought to and I think we all know the answer. 
 No, I can honestly say that I'm fairly positive its not a case of just being a miss-understood joke and the same goes for the abuser just feeling like it at the time because their always like it .
   The answer basically boils down to learnt behaviour be it from a parent , a grandparent,  an aunt , an uncle , an older sibling, or another major person in their life  .
  If the abuser spends all their growing up early years being witness to violence or intimidation, then in their mind it's a perfectly normal way to live , they think it's all fully excepable behavour and those that don't act that way surely must be the odd ones out in life .

    Domestic abusers all seem to come across as being privileged or fully entitled , they don't seem to comprehend that just because they may see something and want it , it doesn't mean to say that they can actually have it .
   Their problem of not getting what they want  when they want then becomes your problem because that's when the temper tantrums can start . When they were young it was all about them chucking themselves on the floor and the kicking and screaming would happen untill they got their own way , as they grew older and it all gets a little bit embarrassing to do the terrible 2 year old  toddler thing they then upgrade everything to verble , mental or even physical abuse .

   Do domestic abusers do what they do intentionally or on purpose ?....🤔

  Yes of course they do , it's all about having the ultimate power in their eyes and they don't seem to care who suffers in order for that to happen .

Could the abuser have some sort of disorder ?....🤔

Possibly in extreme rare cases but the end result is similar. The abuser gets a sort of high watching someone else being in a certain degree of pain be it physical or emotional. 

 Could the abuser have grown up being abused themselves ?....🤔

Again possibly , but then would that not be another form of learnt behavour .

Does the abuser have some sort of control issues ?....🤔
Trying to control someone's everyday actions through bullying or intimidation in my mind is still domestic abuse because I once lived through 28 years of it .
Granted the above questions could work as great excuses but to those that have either lived through it or are still struggling with it none of them are really good enough .
  I've yet to have a good enough reason given to me as to why its perfectly exceptional for one person to make a fellow persons life so terribly uncomfortable that the first person feels the need to end their life in some cases .

 Psychologist's , therapists and Councillor's can all sit with a domestic abuser trying to work out the reasons for their clients actions but would the abuser actually agree with their findings ?.....🤔

   No, I don't think so either because that would mean the abuser would then have to admit that they were wrong and that's something they will never do . 

  Can a domestic abuser ever change their ways ?......🤔

  It's been known to happen , but the abuser has to desperately want it happen in the first place and they need to have some understanding about why they need to change . 

  Domestic abusers are hard to work out at the best of times , there never really seems to be any rhyme or reason why they feel the need to do what they do to others.  
  Just because they have their own individual problems with trust , feeling insecure and feelings of jealousy it doesn't explain why they think it's OK to hurt another person .

  The abused victim learns to  deal with the abuse given  in many variouse ways . They will make numerous excuses  , stay quite if pressured for answers and go out of their way to try to keep the peace for as long as possible. 
  What makes a victim stay with their abuser ?....🤔

 There's endless reasons but it's basically down to believing your everything your told you must be .
 Having your confidence and self estemm drained , believing that your friends and family won't want to know you anymore and you start to believe that you can't survive without your abuser. 
   If all of the above were true then those of us who have escaped from our abusers wouldn't be around today trying to encourage others to make the same decision they once made . 

 Domestic abuse is a mysterious, complicated, and nonsensical subject . Common sense tells you to avoid anyone that could cause you any form of pain or discomfort but unfortunatly it can all become overridden by the heart .
  I've spent several years trying to delve into the darkness of an abusers mind but its full of illogical thoughts and actions . 
 I can't work out why a fully grown mature adult would possibly want to act like their throwing their dummy out of their pram because they can't get their own way and then when it's offered back they have to attempt to bite the hand that offers it back . 
   Everyone likes life going their way at some point but it's how you go about it that really counts .

 Even after writting all of this I'm still non the wiser as to what makes it alright to treat a fellow decent human being like a worthless possession , how can you possibly declare undying love to someone in one breath and then beat them till they fall down the next ?....🤔

   The answers I think I've found then lead to even more questions to ask which then only makes things even more complicated than it all was in the first place .
  One question I can most deffinatly 100% answer without any doubt is , is there a future after domestic abuse ?....🤔

      If there wasn't, then I would not be now leading a  happy , contented life and certainly would not be trying to reach out and offer help  to others . 







Risk Factor.

  Domestic abuse happens and thats a fact !!.... but what isn't a fact is that it doest matter if you manage to escape it or not. the ri...