Friday, July 7, 2023

Why ?


Those that have been or are being domestically abused get asked on a regular basis why stay ? .........

There's so many various reasons or excuses but the above is the closest I've ever got to an answer .
  In my case I stayed because of being dependant on money , being told I was  " fat,  useless and ugly " and most importantly for my children . 
  Looking back now I can see it was all silly and  ridiculous reasons .
 I now earn my own money , I can't be that fat if I'm in the same size jeans I've always worn , I can't be that useless if I'm now encouraging other abused victims on here and various other places  and I certainly can't be that ugly because no one else has mentioned it yet or laughed at me ! ( at least not yet anyway 😏)

   That brings me to my last and final reason children .
     To stay or not to stay because of them is the question , I stayed because I honestly thought my children needed their father . Having grown up with a single mother back in the 70s I always used to say to myself I didn't ever want to be in the same position , I remember some of the fights she had with my father, I remember seeing him hit her a couple of times  and I remember all too well how tough it all was for her . 
   NO thank you  ! I didn't want that for my children thank you very much  but it unfortunately didn't work out that way and life had other ideas on thecwaybthings woukd work out . 
I know my children saw and heard a lot and I'll never reallycknow exactly how much that was .
Has it effected their mental health  ?...

 Yes more than likely it has  . 

Did I make the right decision at the time to stay for them ?...

  Looking back now , no I honestly don't think I did .  

Do I now regret putting them through it all ?....

Absolutely and most deffinatly .

 Children are a lot tougher than we give them credit for , they bounce back from a lot of variouse stuff slong the way but what they really don't need is a domestic abuser in their lives possibly ruining their future .
 If you ever get told that classic  " you and the children need me " then that person is totally wrong big time . No-one wants or needs to witness physical or emotional abuse on a regular basis and then most certainly don't need it either .

 One thing to always remember when it comes to abusers , they need you more than you will ever need them and that's exactly why they all but beg you to stay or want to give things yet another go when you decide enough is enough .

Do I miss my ex ?.....

  No I most certainly dont and I don't I think I ever will .

   Yes we did have a few good times but they were very few and far between . I certainly don't miss the constant put downs , the big long sulks, being pressured into sex ( classed as rape ) or spending my days never knowing when the volcano could erupt yet again .

My children aren't children anymore and are now all grown- up and have made their own individual free choices about their father .  They have all luckerly not inherited their fathers habits or personality and if I say so myself they've not turned out to bad at all 😊
  He in return also has the choice to contact and see them when ever he wants to because they are old enough to make their own decisions in life but supprise , supprise he chooses not to . If their lucky they may get remembered on their birthdays or Christmas but they have learnt not to be too disappointed if it doesnt happen .
   Seriously think twice about your reasons for staying if your still in a domestic abusive relationship because life really can be totally outstanding when you break away from it , I should know because I've been there , seen it , done it and most importantly survived it 😊 .

  You and your children ( if you have any of course )  deserve a life that doesn't involve any form of abuse , you can seriously live a much greater life without your abuser bringing you down . 
 There is only ever one single person that has the right to say what you can or can't do and that's yourself . You are the only person that needs to control your life, no-one else . 
OK yes you will make the odd mistake along the way but that exactly how you learn and once you've learnt by that odd little mistake you won't do it again .  
 I have now been free a few years and yes of course I still get things wrong but I now accept its the norm and my slightly weird,  often scatty world is my own brilliantly unique place .
  I dont think I will ever totally be able to explain why I put up with things for as long as I did or why I was stupid enough to let my children be witness to it all  but what I do know is I just have to now fully focus on the future and what exciting things can hold . 

  You too can have an amazing future to look forward to , so if your sat there reading all this thinking  " I can't possibly do it " then your wrong . 
You can do anything you want to do , you can and will survive after abuse and you are not and never will be on your own .  

Walk your path in life........
( photo one of my own ) .




Wednesday, July 5, 2023

Good air in and bad air out .

Domestically abused or not abused everyone should learn to just stop and breath all the good air in , no-one lives forever so why not enjoy every single day ?

Personally I count myself very lucky , A few years ago I escaped from my domestic abuser after 28yrs  or rather should I say I took back my control and I chucked him out !! , now there's only one person in my life trying to control my crazy world and that's sweet little old me !  
Yes I make mistakes along the way but I learn from them and then simply just try what ever it was I was trying to do again .  

  One of my favourite things is to be outside ( incase you hadn't seen it written before 😅  ) and as I write this I'm sitting in my slightly messy but full of variouse plants garden , drinking as I normally do when I create these posts a nice cup of tea to help my brain produce all the thoughts going on in my head into all the right words to put down here .  
   I'm breathing in all the good air and breathing out all the bad , from my chair I can see all the plants I'm trying to grow they are  either brought , grown from seed or variouse cuttings I've begged from other people and I'm smiling to myself because its all mine and done all by myself  😊 .
 There was once a time I was told on a regular basis that I was " fat , useless and ugly "  well looking at what I can do now I know all that can't be possibly be true .
 It's the abuser that's the ugly one , they are ugly , bitter and very twisted right down to their very core . They don't know how to be happy or love life ,  they just know how to be their own individual variouse shades of grey and that just makes me feel sorry for them because they are missing out on so much .
I refuse to ever find myself living in an abusers world like that ever again and I never want to be anywhere near someone else's dark and gloomy world .

 I've never really worked out how can anyone be so dark and miserable all day and eveyday when there 's so much out there to enjoy ?
 The world is busting full of amazing things to see and this old Hippy just loves taking it all in , there are birds on the bird feeder enjoying the easy way to get food   , there's nice big honey bees buzzing around being busy looking for a new pollen supply , the two cats are laying next to me purring away sunbathing and beautiful butterfly's fluttering all around me ......  simply perfect 

   As the two pictures top and bottom both show I can't be all that useless if I can grow these plants ( top = Bouganvillia,  bottom = trailing geranium ) and the fig tree I'm sat next to isn't complaining about being neglected to much either  . 
As for the fat part well I'm leaving that all down to personal opinion but if it's any help I'm still the same size I have always been even after having three children .

    If your told you can't do something for what ever reason don't ever believe it !!! Granted you have to think realistically about it but there's nothing stopping you adapting your first idea and then trying to do it  differently .
If you want to do something why not just give it a go ?....
Ok fair enough I might not be able to be a professor in rocket science or a spaceman but it doesn't mean I can't appreciate how unbelievable the whole entire universe is and I may not be able to drive an F1 car at a Grand Prix but it doesn't mean I can't live life in the fast lane either .

   Today why not take some of those great big deep breaths in and simple just enjoy being alive . I've always believed that life is far too short to get it wrong and you only get one go at it so I'm ever thankful that when I wake up in the morning I'm still breathing and I get to have yet another great day to look forward to ,
Positive thinking is a great thing to be able to do , it makes even a rainy day seem sunny .
 As it says in my profile I'm a very annoying major optimistic thinker , if I see a negative I always have to try to it turn it around into a positive .  That hippy in me does her very best to spread the good things in life all around for others and is more than happy to always share a smile with someone else who may need it . 
  Yes even after being dragged extremely reluctantly through a very dark tough period in my time with my abuser I still refuse to give up loving life , I'm not even close to finishing what I started in living my life yet so I'll just keep going with it .

  Just look at this amazing trailing geranium below , it once started it's life as a tiny little seed , it got planted and cared for and now just look at it !!! 
It may only last this summer but it certainly crams in everything it's got whilst it's still here  .  It gives its pollen to the bees , it shares its colour for everyone to see  and it just keeps on giving , the best bit is if I'm really lucky and feeling clever then I can get a repeat display from it's offspring next year after I collect all its seeds when it's finished flowering .....happy days and living the dream 😊.

 Today why not be just like the flowers and make the most of what you have in life !!!!



Monday, July 3, 2023

Its raining again 🌧


Positive or negative , rain serves a great purpose......

As I'm sat here with my normal early morning first cup of tea of the day watching the rain
begin to start again on this slightly soggy morning and from my window I can see adults trying their best to stay dry on their way to work and children doing what they llove to do the most and that's  jumping in the puddles on their way to school .

Rain is something you either love it or hate it and if I'm totally truthful I kind of in the love it group ,  I find it refreshs everything and recharges it . Granted I'm not such a great fan of it when it goes on all day continuously in the middle of a cold winter when
 I have to leave to go to work or walk the dog but on a perfect summers day like today its just like having Tinkerbell from the Peter Pan story sprinkling her Fairy dust everywhere and magically bringing everything back to life .

It's yet another thing that makes me grateful for everything I have now and appreciate it it all even more than I ever have  . Like I've mentioned before I simply just love being outside and yes even on a day like today it can still have a tendency to make me smile when I find myself still trying to do some garden when the clouds above are busy trying to empty everything out at the same time .

Everyday with domestic abuser can be just like a dark , cloudy and full of gloom day , it's like an endless mid winters day with non stop continuous heavy torrential rain and you have no umbrella or raincoat  to help protect yourself . On a really bad day you'll get all the thunder and lighting to go with it and you just feel like all you want to do is just give up and drown in the nearest biggest muddy puddle you can find .

I'm watching it rain right now and remember all to well my dark dismal  days  and that's exactly why in a really weird way I love watching it rain . It reminds me that things will always get better after the storm , the sun will come out and shine once again and the plants in my garden will keep on just getting bigger , better and even stronger every day . 

As I'm writing this post a rainbow has suddenly and magically just appeared on the opposite dide of the road confirming in my eyes at least that life can be totally outstanding after a bad time , its sharing its glorious arch of bright beautiful colours with all to see and by the look of things the pot of gold at the end of it is somewhere near the house just up the road !!!!  

Why not try have a go at being positive today , jump up and down in those exciting muddy puddles , laugh at getting rained on and just love the day in general it doesn't really matter if you get a bit wet because skin is waterproof and clothes will soon dry .  There are  some people out there that live life under a permanent unforgiving dark rain cloud and they feel that they will never feel the warmth of the sun on their face ever again .

This is for all those that are still being or were abused and that you will hopefully understand exactly what I mean by how truly dark those clouds can really be and yes seriously and truthfully your days can and will be brighter and better in the end .
 Why not be like the flowers and grow from the rain ,  become that stronger person , get rid of that strangling ugly old weed in your garden of domestic abuse and then just sit back and enjoy your beautiful future days full of endless sunflowers 🌼 .

Let the abusers of this world be just like those nasty annoying puddles on the street corner that are full of old dead mushy leaves , those puddles will drain away eventually into nothing because they were never really that strong or powerful in the first place .
 Just like the rain the abusers of this world don't have to be there for ever ( even if it feels like they will be at the time ) , there really can be that perfect sun shiny day after you walk away from your storm , the clouds will eventually fade away and the sun will come out once again to make you smile  . 

There' s an old saying that goes something along the lines of  ...There's no such thing as bad weather , just bad clothing and it's so true in lots of variouse ways .
If for some strange reason and if it looks like its going to be a bad day then I make sure I'm fully prepared for it . I make sure my friends are close by if I need them to talk to and I know they will sort me out brilliantly over a large cuppa and the biggest packet of biscuits we can find  .
I know now all my friends ( they know who they are ) will always be there to cover my back when it looks like the bad weather may get too bad,  they will pick me up , dust me down and help me stand back up again if ever I fall , I couldn't have done a fraction of what I have had to do after I became free without them and even to this day I will always buy them the first drink when when ever we go out as a sort of thank you  ( not they would ever expect any form of repayment ) .

As the old childhood rhyme goes....
 " Rain , Rain go away
Don't come back another day ".

Sunday, July 2, 2023

Start a new chapter .


Domestic abuse has to be one of  hardest chapters  I've ever had in my story of life .....

 and without sounding too much like Forrest Gump I got so wrapped up in the story I was living at the time that I almost forgot all I had to do was just simply turn the page to a new exiting part and then let the story continue .

 Realising your being domestically abused be it physical or emotional is one thing but actually escaping from it is a whole different thing all together , yes of course it can be done because I've actually done it after 28 years of abuse but that doesn't mean to say it wasn't always easy . I had to put my total and slightly crumpled trust in a few utter and complete strangers , I had to instantly" Man Up " and deal with things I had never had to deal with before and most importantly I had to be 100% honest about what had happened to me to others in order to get people to listern to me so that they could help , which of course they very kindly did .

Granted the ex did decide that if I wasn't going to fall for his " let's start again " ploy  then he was going to become a little bit awkward about a few things along the way but I stuck to my guns and kept on ploughing forward . There was nothing that could of changed my mind at that particular time , no more was I going to let myself be continuously suffercated or smothered by someone else's words and actions . I overcame everything that was thrown in my direction to try to stop me but I just kept on going forward because I knew there had to be a much better life story out there for me somewhere . 

  Abusers don't ever like to be wrong in fact they can't stand it and they most certainly don't ever like to lose at anything so do expect a few major temper tantrums along the way if your thinking of doing it , they will stamp their precious little feet , do the classic screaming and shouting thing and chuck their toys out the pram in anger but don't ever give in to them . First you will get the tears and the heart broken looks and when these don't have any effect next will come the anger , this part is where it can get a little bit tricky at times but once it finally dawns on them that your serious they tend to quiet down a bit , they may still try to throw the odd spanner in the works but it's normally nothing that can't be sorted .

Trust me that freedom feeling you can get afterwards is well worth every threat , every snarl and every spiteful comment , its way better than any medicine a doctor might prescribe and its more powerful than any passing tornado .
 You will be totally shocked at just how strong you really are when you really need to be ( mentally strong not physically ) and it's that part that can keep driving you forward . Seriously if I can do everything that I'm doing now so can anyone just believe in it and it will happen .

  Abusers don't ever in my book deserve any second , third or even fourth chances , if they had played nice in the first place you wouldn't have had to make that big decision to walk away in the first place . They say they will change and yes they may do for a brief spell ( which proves they know exactly what they are doing ) but then it will all starts yet again and in some cases it then can become twice as bad as it was  before .

   One day I woke up and decided that in order to change the complete horror story that I was living I needed to turn the page . No-one else was going to do it for me , I had to do it by myself and for myself and it then gradually went from a Bram Stoker horror story to a brand new completely differant exciting new one instead and all created by myself  .
What an adventure story I'm having now!!!!
 It's all full of daring good deeds , happy endings and there's a handsome Prince chucked in there for good measure too 😊 .
The big bad wolf is no longer in my life anymore trying to blow my house down and this apprent " fat , usless and ugly "  duckling has finally now grown into a beautiful Swan  ( well almost anyway 😏 ) . My own personal Fairy God- mother ( she better be a slightly Steampunk version !! ) has waved her magic wand and yes as if by magic I can now go to whatever Ball I want to  , wearing what ever I want to and with who ever I want to , there is no clock striking midnight for me to panic about anymore and there is deffinatly no ugly nasty evil step mother waiting for my return .

 Seriously though if your reading this thinking I wish I could do that but I'm not brave enough just remember that life is far too short to waste anynof it and you only get one go at it so why not turn your own page and begin a whole new amazing brilliant story .  Granted some of the story may get a little bit scary along the way but just keep on reading and keep on turning those pages because there's always a happy ever after at the end of it  .

Happy endings can and will happen to you too if you wish hard enough on a shooting star and if that star seems broken or isn't working properly then just simply change it to a better brighter one instead ⭐️ .

Risk Factor.

  Domestic abuse happens and thats a fact !!.... but what isn't a fact is that it doest matter if you manage to escape it or not. the ri...