Mystoryofdomesticabuse.de

Thursday, December 19, 2024

Be bold and be brave .

  



" Be bold , be bold but not too bold least your hearts blood should run cold."


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  I wish I could remember which story this quote came from , but I clearly remember it once being read in my class at school when I was young and this part staying in the back of my mind ever since . If I remember rightly it's all about you can think your bold to a certain point but if it's done for all the wrong reasons then there could be unwanted consequences. 

     Those who survive domestic abuse and want to rebuild their lives again have to be unbelievable strong and brave to make that first decision , it can be extremely scary at the beginning, there's no instruction manual , no medals and certainly no rules to follow  . It's just a majorly massive case of taking a big deep breath and making that jump to freedom .

That first decision is the key to opening the door that leads to a brand new amazing adventure and then it's a case of taking one step at a time and following the path that lays ahead .

       




    Always try to travel that path forward and never back because you've already been there once .


 The journey can sometimes be a bit unstable and bumpy at times but there are people out there that can and will help ( for example, we have Women's Aid here in England ) . Its making the first phone call or sending the email that's the nerve wreaking bit but after that things get a whole lot easier , the trick is to be as honest and as open as you can be when talking to them and never forget they will listen to you . 

 I remember being totally gobsmacked when I made my first few calls , I couldn't believe just how kind , understanding and helpful other people could be and I will always be grateful for it . These were people who didn't know me , who had never heard my name before and didn't have to care......but they did .


  I will never forget that initial feeling of freedom and it was glorious !!!!!!!!


 

 Domestic abusers however don't just think their brave and bold , they actually believe it too , that's how arrogant and self centered they can be . They think they are perfect , superior and can do nothing wrong . They will push their luck at any given opportunity and not care less who stands in their way to get the end result .They  don't care who they hurt or how they do it  they will just lash out , stamp their feet and basically throw major temper tantrums just like a spoilt little child . 

  



 Never believe that they don't know what they're doing is painful because of course they know exactly what their appalling behaviour will get them if they keep doing it and that of course is always their own way. 

    As time goes by they get bolder with their actions , what started off as just little nudges or " constructive criticism " slowly begins to grow into hellish monster nightmare"s . The more they think they can get away with things the bolder they think they can become . They will stretch the truth out of all proportions , their lies become almost epic and their acting in front of others can be an Oscar winning performance . Then the time comes when they become almost too bold , they generally think that they are all super powerful . They don't believe their feeble and weak little victim would ever leave or abandon them , but that's where their wrong .  

This is the part in the story where their " blood should run cold " because their victim doesn't have to be one anymore , the victim now becomes the survivor and that is just the start of the revolution. 




   They will naturally try their best to twist and bend reality in order to get you to return to them and if that fails then that in turn will lead them to try to play the hard done by one whose completely innocent of all crimes . In fact they might even have the nerve to try to put the blame on you by telling people all sorts of tall tales about you , they will even try to get others to hate or dislike you . 

  Trust in whatever friends you've managed to keep because they will know you better and if they believe what their told by the abuser then they weren't really your true friends in the first place .

     The ultimate revenge on any domestic abuser is turning away from them and proving you can not only survive but you can quite happily live a much better life without them ( in fact quiet the total opposite as to what they lead you to believe) . They will go off and sulk for a bit and then start prowling around for a new innocent victim and even think it's funny to try and make you jealous about it . This to me shows exactly what complete and utter @#£#£@ they where ( fit your own appropriate swear word in here ) and that they never really deserved getting your attention in the first place .

  Once you've successfully escaped then the whole world can become your oyster , you are free to do whatever you want , wear whatever you want and be with whoever you want .

  No one will ever has the right to think they own you because you are a wonderful clear thinking outstanding individual who knows their own mind .


Now let's all be bold but not too bold ........


    Those whose glass appears to be half full have the privilege of refilling it when ever they want because they own their own glass !

  






  


  


  


   


   

  

  

 


   


 



  

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

Love again ?

 



 Do I believe it's possible to find love and trust again after domestic abuse  ?.......


     ðŸ’•  Yes I actually think that you can  💕


I say yes but it really all depends on the individual and how they have delt with their past experiences. 

To put your trust in someone's else's hands is a major commitment in normal circumstances, but to do it after any form of abuse can unfortunately take a very long time, but its not an impossible dream and even after the most horrible time love can be found in the most unlikeliest places ( yes , I'm a big old slushie romantic at heart ) .

     The person who wants to earn your love , trust and respect will have to work hard to get it at the best of times but when it comes to a survivor of domestic abuse the person involved may have to contend with an possibly outrageously high wall to scale first , that doesn't mean to say it can't be done but it won't be an easy task either .

Flowers are always a lovely supprise but any experienced abuse survivor will tell you that is one of the first things an abuser will do to try to show their sorry and just like the meaning behind those flowers they will soon crumble and die .

          





   Personally I think it's the small almost unnoticeable things that show how much someone truly cares about you . That first cup of tea or coffee brought up to you in the morning without being asked or wanting anything in return , the door being held open for you as you enter somewhere or even the noble gentleman who always walks on outside of the pavement when your walking along together ( to obviously keep their sword hand ready if needed of course ) , yes all perhaps a little old fashioned but it still shows they were brought up to show respect to others .

  Love is a simple four letter word but it can create no end of problems , who remembers that all important interview with Prince Charles ( Now known has King Charles the third ) and the then Lady Diana when the Prince was asked about being in love and his answer was " what ever love is " this comment has since gone down in British history , everyone has their own opinion of what love is and how it feels and he unfortunately didn't do a very good job trying to show it that particular day .

     What's my definition of love ?....

    To me it's simply just knowing , it's like finding that long lost piece of a jigsaw puzzle that just fits perfectly in place .

   Do I think those that domestically abuse know how to love ?........

   Possibly but they tend to mix it all up with the need to own whoever they are with at the time and that can't be very healthy in any relationship. 


  




 So let's look into how to earn the love , trust and respect from someone you care about . 

First you need to always be true to yourself and don't pretend to be someone your not . 

 If you really like someone and they have built a secure wall around themselves just don't rush things , take things at whatever speed the other person is most comfortable with . No amount of romance will charm instantly so let that person build their own form of trust in you and maybe just maybe love will grow .

  



Like I've said I'm a big Slushie old thing at heart but it'll take more than just a simple bunch of Supermarket daffodils and a box of chocolates to win me over , as a survivor I can honestly say that yes I have my own wall of self defence but I'm extremly lucky to now have a Knight in shining armour who isn't afraid to battle any dreaded dragons that might appear behind that wall ( not the easiest of jobs but his doing well  ) .


   Can Happy Ever After really exist ? .......


  Yes ,  I genuinely believe it can but only if and when you really want it to .There's loads of others who have found their own version of Happy Ever After so never stop believing it can't happen for you . Don't let that one ( or more )  nasty bad experience put you off ever being happy again  , it may take years but it will be all well worth the wait in the end .

Love is like a seed and it needs to be carefully looked after if you want it to grow.

       



 

Trust is something else altogether it can be become dented and almost to the point of feeling like nothing can repair it , it can take almost forever to be able to put your trust in someone again but it doesn't mean you shouldn't at least try , start gently with small steps and then see what happens , there's no rush . 

Respect is something that I think should  be earnt too as my mother would say " Respect first you should earn it and second you should deserve it " and that most deffinatly works for any domestic abuser that demands that you show any respect to them . You may think you love your abuser but I'm afraid to say you dont , you love the person they pretended to be when you first meet or even the nice side of their ever changing Jekyll and Hyde character but if you were completely and honestly loved back in return then they wouldn't do what they do regardless of what they say or do  .


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Always try to love , trust and respect yourself before you do it to others ..........💕






 






  





  


 


   




  


Tuesday, December 17, 2024

Why no answers ?




 Just like Spring will always follow Winter , happiness can also follow saddness.....


No one can predict what a persons future will hold , so that's why it's so important to make the most of every single moment . No one can predict what a future partner could be like either , the person you first meet can sometimes turn into your worst nightmare.  

  Those that domestically abuse someone else are the grand masters of camouflaging their true selves , they are extremely well rehearsed with what they say or do at the beginning because they want to portray themselves as the perfect one . Unfortunately as time goes by things change and before you know it you can find yourself suffercating under the weight of abuse .

   I've never successfully worked out if it's learnt behavour , a mental disorder or a combination of both , but one thing I have noticed over the years is that in a lot of cases that either one or both of the abusers parents or who ever raised them were very similar in their ways ( true in my ex abusers case ) . The way their brains ended up being all wired up wrong must of started somewhere but how or why is just one of those many unanswerable questions. 




  You could sit for endless hours like I once did trying to be a psychologist over the deep and meaningful reasons why any abuser would do what they do but at the end of the day it's still uncalled for domestic abuse and the only person who is really deeply effected by it all is the victim . There's isn't and never will be a good enough excuse for their actions and the all time classic excuse of " you made me do it " is simply just pathetic. 

  Why should those that manage to finally escape and survive domestic abuse suffer for something they never did ?.......

They weren't the ones hitting out physically or emotionally but still they are left with the mixed up feelings of guilt . Even after all this time I still carry the guilt of why I tolerated it for as long as I did and why did I ever allow my children to suffer being witness to it , it's a feeling that will never leave me but I keep it tucked up safely away so no one will ever notice it .


DOMESTIC ABUSERS HAVE A LOT TO ANSWER FOR  !!!!! ðŸ¤¬


   One of the biggest insults a domestic abuser can ever give is playing their own version of the domestic abuse card , I know of cases where just because the abuser is female , they have successfully cried their fake tears and had everything handed to them on a plate by blaming the person they were abusing.. ......not fair on so many levels and outrageous that their case wasn't investigated into further .

One day maybe domestic abuse towards men will be treated the same as it is to women but I unfortunately can't see it happening in my lifetime . It's hard enough for anyone to admit about any form of abuse they may of suffered but in a strange way its tougher for the men out there and there certainly isn't nearly the same kind of support given to them .

 I know I've asked this question before but why do Father's sometimes have to fight tooth and nail to prove their innocence in order to get custody of their children when the mother automatically gets them even if they were the abuser ?.........




   Things are improving slowly about punishment for those the domestically abuse but it could be better , laws are gradually changing over time and people are talking about it more but the subject will always be a massive elephant in the room sometimes . 

It never ceases to amaze me just how quite a room can become once you declare you were domestically abused , people have no idea how to react and in some cases will even go out of their way to change the subject matter .

  Personally I will never be ashamed or embarrassed of my dark unforgettable past and its one of my many reasons as why I'm more than happy to discuss it , I refuse to allow my ex abuser to think they can just slither away quietly and get away with it all and to then start again on some other poor defenceless unsuspected victim . I am now not and never will afraid of the revolting slime bag that once abused me and if it ever finally dawns on them that I've been shouting out to the world about my story then tough !!!!!

     I wonder what would happen if all the domestic abusers of this world ended up having to live on the same island together ?........🤔




   Just imagine the chaos they could all create , each and everyone of them would want to be Top dog and they would all tell each other how hard done by they were . None of them of course would except the blame for anything and eventually they will start the own version of the classic book Lord of Flies .

  Like I said at the start of this post , you can't even try to understand the mind set of a domestic abuser, you would end up none the wiser as to why they do what they insist on doing to others and you'd only end up more confused than when you first started. 

The abusers of this world are certainly a unique bunch and that's for sure .

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To finish here is my positive thought of the day......

   Butterflies close their wings when it starts to rain so they can't get damaged because their fragile ....

     Why not be like the butterfly 🤔






   


  


 




  


    

Sunday, December 15, 2024

My apologies.

 


  I am so Sorry .......

   I've been neglecting all those who take the time to read my posts and I have no real decent enough excuse....

  Outside of Blog world and writting posts , I am just a normal ( well relatively normal anyway ) everyday kind of person with a family and  2 jobs , by the time I'm finished for the day I'm ready to just flop down somewhere and enjoy a well earnt cuppa . Having just given myself a severely firm and meaningful telling off I now intend to put right my wrong doings and start giving more attention to you all out there .

  As you've properly gathered by now, I'm a survivor of 28 horrendous years of continuous everyday domestic abuse ,  one dark and extremely cold January day I finally decided enough was enough and made my big decision that I wouldn't be the weak and feeble victim anymore . No, it wasn't an easy decision to make , and yes it was a bit scary at the begining but I held my head up high and simply just kept on going forward .

  I CHANGED MY MY STARS !!!!

             


  

    Christmas is now fast descending on us all and along with the buying of presents, putting decorations up and preparing for Christmas day , there's always a lot of added stress and tension thrown in for good measure . This can be the spark that triggers the fire in a lot of domestic abusers ,  they can't seem to cope with the fun and good feelings that Christmas is supposed to bring .




   I remember all too well the anger and hatred that seemed to ooze out of every single pore of my ex abuser this time of year . I used to dread the shopping to buy whatever was needed , the visits to family to swap gifts and the demands for a full English breakfast on Christmas morning ( which had to be cooked and eaten before the children could open anything ) and nothing was allowed to be touched on the present pile untill everyone was up and dressed . 

Christmas time was not a particularly joyful or pleasant time back then . No going out to celebrate on Christmas eve and absolutely deffinatly NO !!!!! exchanges of Christmas kisses at midnight with anyone  .

      Ebenezer Scrooge would have been extremely impressed by my ex- abusers actions and we unfortunately never once received a visit from the ghost's of past , present and future 😔 .


  Nowadays things are greatly improved and I've rediscovered that Christmas can actually be quite good fun . No more endlessly cooking all day , no more panicking about the mountain of wrapping paper rapidly growing on the floor and so what if I want to start having a Christmas drink a good few days before the grand event !!  

   


 l've now rediscovered my long lost Christmas spirit and now want to share some around to all those that are in the same position I was once in . 

Christmas shouldn't be the sad lonely time of year but unfortunatly it can be for those having to struggle with a domestic abuser .
Domestic abusers can't seem to function normally at the best of times but at Christmas they seem to go into overdrive with pure menace towards others . They don't care about peace on earth or good will to all , they only care about creating as much mayhem as they possibly can in as little time as possible and with as much pain as they can deliver be it physical or emotional .




     Now I'd like to ask you all a massive Christmas favour .......

 Please spare a thought and maybe even some time for those who are silent about their abuse , those that think life is nothing but dark dismal sorrow and those that simply just need an understanding friendly smile in their direction . If you get the feeling that something just doesn't seem right about a friend's or neighbour's house or you hear things that you think are a bit worrying then call someone . Yes...it could be nothing , it could just be nothing but a normal small disagreement or it could be your mistaken but what if it's none of those things and what if you could be the one to stop someone seriously getting hurt 🤔  .

Now I'm certainly not for one single minute suggesting you interfer and dive in there and add to the problem but what I am asking is that you are just observant and call the right people who can help if or when needed.


  Those that are domestically abused need that silent anonymous helping hand sometimes .




   Male or female domestic abuse is not and never will be acceptable , there's never a good enough excuse for this sort of terrible behaviour regardless to what the victim may be told by the abuser . As I've said many times before domestic abusers are just nothing but bullies and bullies are nothing but big cowards really when someone bigger and stronger comes along . 

I'm not scared of my abuser anymore and that's because I now know I'm way more powerful in mind , body and soul than he could ever be .


    If I can be a strong survivor so can others !!!!


  Let's finish on two positive things.........


   ⭐️   First  ⭐️

 I promise to regularly do more posts , more posive thoughts and more support for those that need to know their not alone in domestic abuse.

  I may not be the greatest writer or have all the right answers but I've been there , seen it and most importantly I survived it .


   ⭐️  Second ⭐️

  I truly want to wish everyone a safe and Merry  Christmas 🎅  

  I may not be a religious kind of person but I have respect for those that are and even I know that the meaning of Christmas isn't about the money or the presents , it's about family , sharing  , the love given and simply being there for each other .


     



 


  


   

   


   

  


   

   


 



    


  



    

  

Christmas Eve .

  " Twas the night before Christmas , when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse "                   ...