Write a letter ?

 

Surviving any form of domestic abuse is a major accomplishment, but then comes the question .....Do you attempt to write a letter to your ex trying to explain all your deepest thoughts and feelings about it to them  ?...... 

 That choice is a totally individual one , but personally no , I wouldn't waste the paper or ink on my ex because it would all be a colossal waste of my time and energy . 

 My theory is that if he really did love or care for me, why did he feel the need to be emotionally abusive towards me for all those years .  

  Yes, I could try to sit him down and explain that depriving someone of money,  friends , family, and a life in general isn't the correct way you share a life with someone and most deffinatly a ring does not mean ownership !

 I could send an extremly long detailed Email mentioning all his actions and the after effects they have left behind , how about informing him that although consensual , sex is classed as rape if your bullied into it or maybe I could just put down all the rude , offensive and vile names he used when speaking to me . Maybe I could whilst I was at it return the favour and sign it all off with my own version of names for him ( swearing included, of course ) . 

All of the above is never going to happen in my case because until an abuser recognises their own actions they will never accept its all wrong . 

 Not that I particularly want to delve into the big black hole of an abusers mind but in their thinking everything they have done or are doing is all perfectly excepable and what's wrong in wanting everything your own way .

Abusers will try their best to beg for forgiveness and promise all sorts of impossible dreams if they get caught out by someone but unfortunatly none of it is ever really meant and once they think they have gotton away with what ever they had done they will then behave for a while  but .....

 I used to get flowers , chocolates, and even the odd little cudderly toy carrying a message about love and devotion when my abuser thought he might of pushed things a bit too far  , within days that would turn back into the way things always were and I'd get accusations of being ungrateful for what ever it was that had been brought.

  Mean what you say/do and say/do what you mean  is never on an abusers rader , they just seem to thing they can do or say whatever they want whenever they want and it's everyone else's fault if things go wrong .

  If an abuser actually bothered to sit down and read a letter from their abused telling them about how much hurt and damage they have caused what sort of reaction do you think it would recieve ?......

  No I've no idea either .

 

Domestic abusers have a tendency to be completely unpredictable , so it could be that there might be tears , anger, or even both . I'm not convinced that whatever was written would be understood or excepted ,  and there's a good chance it could all be used against you when they spoke about you to some one else ( apparently I'm a mentally unstable individual who has some serious issues ) . 

 That then leads to yet another question , do abusers ever feel guilty for what they have done ?........

 That's anyone guess , if they do then they will never let it show , or rather they might if they think someone else has seen or heard what they have dimone so they then go into automatic defence mode .

 I know for a fact my ex abuser has no feelings of guilt or understanding of how wrong his behaviour is because his still doing it to others and I'm now in a unique little group comprising of his abuse victims who have successfully managed to excape , and I'm fairly positive this group is going to get even bigger as the years go by . We all agree that there's no question who is to blame when the relationship ends and we're all going to be supportive to the next person , doest always work for others but it seems to be working brilliantly for us . 

  I've asked this next question a couple of times before and I'm still non the wiser to the right answer , is it learnt behavour that causes an abuser to be the way that they are ?......

  In my exs case most deffinatly but that's just one example .

But if that's the case then why can't any of them see the damage they are creating to others and why don't they accept any blame for it ? ....

Domestic Abuse is a never ending mine field of questions that sometimes have no logical answers, variouse excuses can be made but thats all they really are just excuses and that still doesn't explain the reasons for such appalling actions . 

 No letter will ever be able to fully explain the deep down soul destroying , mentally invasive or massively dark loneness that domestic abuse can bring with it . Only those that have been there , seen it and survived it fully understand so there's probably very little chance the abuser would ever have a clue let alone want to hear or read about it . 

If your a fellow abuse victim and feel that need to put all your feelings down on paper and then  send it to your abuser then I wish you well with it and yes please do message with a reply if your lucky enough to get one (blog  email in profile if needed and 100% confidential)

  Enough negativity for today so let's end with a positive....

   Today may of been a little bit on the chilly side here in England but that Christmas feeling is begining to get in the air and regardless of my age I still kind of look forward to warm mince pies and mistletoe kisses  .

 

Final  photo used is one of my own .

  

  

 

   

 

 

 

 

  

    

 

 

 

 

Warning ⚠️

 

Warning sensitive subject matter !!!!!

 I purposely left everything here open to all to read because I've always felt domestic abuse doesn't have an age barrier on it , so why should I . The following subject matter is not only sensitive but it could possibly be slightly upsetting or a dreaded red flag trigger....my apologies for both but it's a subject that needs to be discussed . 

 Rape is the most foulest of crimes, and everyone first thinks of the obvious form but there's also another less spoken about version and it's something to this day I'm still getting my head round . I once spent 28yrs in a domestic abuse relationship, and I'd say for roughly the last 15yrs of it I was sexually abused by being raped by my now ex on a regular basis .

  Most think of rape as forced sex without consent but there's more to it than that . There is also now a law in England ( no idea about other countries sorry ) where it can also count as rape if a person is intimidated or emotionally controlled into it even though a person may of agreed to it just to keep the peace in order to stop any physical or emotional damage being done .

  So , you're now thinking to yourself " well if you've agreed where's the problem ? " but it's unfortunately the answers not always as simple as it might sound  . 

Abusers will use everything in their power to get exactly whatever they want including sex . 

 Just imagine lying in bed and your other half/partner comes up wanting a bit of fun but you don't , what's the obvious thing ?... you say no and you both curl up , say goodnight and then fall asleep .

But there is no No when it comes to being with a domestic abuser,  you will find yourself being punished for defying their demands be it physical or emotionally with cruel words , nasty comments , violence and threats of withdrawing even more money or even using emotional blackmail untill they get exactly what they want even if you don't want to . 

 Sex between two people should be a shared  experience but not in an abusers eyes , they want it and they will get it regardless of what the other person might think . They don't care if you don't want to join in because they will still continue without any loving caressing , tender kisses , foreplay and they will just carry on regardless . Then finally afterwards you can find yourself left wondering WTAF !! just happened . You lay there thinking " I'm sure it's  not supposed to be like that " meanwhile the abuser might still then complain that you never joined in or you must be having an affair if you didn't really want it with them and never once does it ever occur to them that maybe just maybe it's not the actual act of sex you don't want but it's the way that person treats you that's the problem .

  Like I've already said it's taken me a long time to accept that in my case yes although it may be classed as rape there's not a huge amount I can now do about it , the ex will of course deny everything saying that if I agreed to it then wheres the problem ? and I never once put up a fight to stop it or said anything . There was only the two of us in that room so obviously no witnesses to the event or the treatment before hand , during or after so that just leaves my word against his with no proof .

 

  I've sort of come to terms with a lot of my past experiences with my ex but trying to work out whose to blame for the rape still completely confesses me , its such a grey area when it comes to being emotionally blackmailed into having to have sex by a supposed loved one . 

  I'm now bringing up this subject in order for others to see that rape isnt always a simple case of yes or no , it can be more complicated than that and I'm positive there's more like me out there who have had to deal with similar experiences . 

Why not go to the police about your ex ? I hear you all ask but what would I say ?....

" Hello there I've just spent the last few years being raped by my partner but I agreed to it because he said he wouldn't give me the money to get my hair cut or for me to buy a bottle of milk " . 

Would you honestly expect anything to be done ?... 

    Nope me neither .

 I'm hoping that maybe after reading this particular post that others will feel a little bit more informed on the subject of domestic abuse rape , its something very few will openly discuss or admitted it happening to themselves but that doesn't mean to say it doesn't exist . If like myself you've had to go through that extremly unpleasant experience then please don't hesitate to send an email to my blog email found in my profile . I may not have all the answers , but what I do have is understanding and I'm non judgemental ( all contact will be totally 100% confidential of course ) .

  Domestic Abuse is despicable in any shape or form and it doesn't matter what colour , sex or creed you may be it's still abuse and no one ever deserves to be treated that way in life . If you've managed to escape it and survived it then I congratulate you and if your still ploughing your way through it then please never forget there will always be someone out there to help and listern to you when you are ready .

 Like I said at the start of this I apologise to anyone who may find the subject matter discussed today upsetting or if it triggers any of those ever annoying red flags but it's one of those things in life that needs to be brought into the open , not just for those that have had to deal with it but also those that are still having  to through it  . I know somewhere out there in this great big wide world there should be various support groups , helplines and charity groups that will help guide you when you need them . If you find yourself not quite ready yet to make that call then know there are hundreds of us fellow survivors writing variouse blogs or posts proving that breaking away from the darkness of domestic abuse can be done .

 

  Yes... if I'm asked now by anyone about my abuse I do bring up all the gory subject matters involved about domestic abuse because I am not and never will be ashamed of what happened to me in my past but what I am now is extremely proud of my future .