Mystoryofdomesticabuse.de

Saturday, January 20, 2024

Movie night 🎬 .

 






It's scary Movie time folks so please find your seat , settle down with your popcorn , choose your drink and wait for the lights to go down........


Domestic abuse has been known to raise its ugly head even in the world of movies . Some are pretty good , some try but don't quite get there and some let's just say are better off being forgotten about through total lack of good research . 
It takes a very brave script writer and director to tackle anything to do with domestic abuse and an even braver actor or actress to take on the role . There's no 100% garrentee that any movie will bring in people through the door but especially any about domestic abuse so it needs the best out there in order for it to work and work well . 

Let's take a look a couple of these movies , the basic story line ( don't want to give the entire story away ) and how well i thought they portrayed domestic abuse .........


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The colour Purple , 1985 .




  Based on a novel by Alice Walker starring amoung others Whoopi Goldberg , Oprah Winfrey and Danny Glover .

   It's based around the story of Celie Harris an African/American girl who has to endure brutal treatment by her father and a forced marriage to a man she doesn't love and that abuses her.

  Time goes by and Celie grows into a strong independent woman , she learns to stand up for herself and she learns to forgive those that may of hurt her along the way .

  Personally I can't praise this book/movie high enough and I'm curious about the newly released musical version and hopefully it will carry across exactly the same message . 

  It's an extremely powerful and deeply moving story tackling many differant subjects that certainly raised a few eyebrows in its time . 

  Performances by all actors concerned make the whole story fully believable and at times tearful . This is a film I would strongly recommend anyone to watch if they need a glimps into to the struggles involved within a domestic abuse relationship. 


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  Sleeping with the enemy , 1991.




Based on a novel by Nancy Price starring Julia Roberts , Patrick Bergin and Kevin Anderson.

  The story revolves around Laura Burney who becomes married to Martin Boston , Martin is the classic confident caring husband to begin with , but as time progresses his true colours are slowly revealed , Laura soon finds herself being both physically and emotionally abused .

  Laura takes some desperate measures in order to escape her nightmare, but Martin isn't that far behind her which then leads to desperate measures .

  This film is an excellent example of showing the mental and emotional abuse one person can experience. It shows that taking that decision to break away can be done no matter what unexpectedly unpleasant events come your way.

  The actors involved played their characters extremly well , again I recommend this film for those that need to try to understand that domestic abuse isn't always physical but it can sometimes be emotional. 


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   The Waitress , 2007 .


 Written and directed by Adreinne Shelly . Starring Keri Russel , Nathan Fillion and Cheryl Hines .

   This is one of those films that tend to go under the radar of most movie watchers , it was discovered accidentally one night when sleep became almost impossible due to excessive summer heat one evening .

 The story spins around a Waitress called Jenna Hunterson , she works in a Diner and discovers she's unintentionally pregnant by her abusive husband. Jennas deep down wish is to just run away to reclaim her life back but unfortunatly her husband Earl has other ideas .  

She eventually gets brave and tells him she doesn't love him anymore and she wants a divorce. This then leads to further conflict with Earl who assaults her . Jenna finally manages to gain her and her baby's freedom and restart her life .

The storyline is maybe not the greatest one but the actors worked well with what they had and give a fair performance . Its watchable for the obvious factor that escape from any form of domestic abuse can happen. It maybe isn't as well known as the other two films and it may not have A list movie stars in it but it still a really good demonstration of never giving up and to keep on going . 


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  There's not a major list of domestic abuse based movies out there to interest others and yet again I find there's hardly anything about abuse against men but all the above can be related to both male and female abuse if needed , saying that though there is however an excellent outstanding documentary ( fully suggest Googling the gentleman's name ) .

  Its called Abused by my girlfriend .





This is the true real life story of Alex Skeel who survived a near fatal abusive relationship with his girlfriend involving extreme violence , control and mental torture , this is again something I fully recommend anyone to watch who needs to learn more about domestic abuse . It's a fantastic and extremely thought provoking example of how domestic abuse can effect men and how even under the greatest fear there can always be a way out , thankfully Alex managed to survive it all and is now sharing his story to help inspire others . 

 All of the above are just my own personal reviews and opinions about a few films that I feel show excellent examples of domestic abuse in all its many variouse ugly shapes and forms , they all of course have their own unique happy endings but those of us who have been there know that unfortunatly things don't always gave the classic fairy tale ending .

  Next time you find yourself sitting there flicking through those endless lists of television programmes , films and documentary's why not try and see if you can find one of them 🤔 . 

Please don't hesitate to share your own ideas on suggested viewing concerning domestic abuse , with so many different countries out there reading my posts I'm fairly positive there must be something as equally educational that will help encourage others .









 




 


  




  

   

  

  



   



Thursday, January 18, 2024

Interesting or not 🤔

 


Domestic abuse , interesting subject or not that is the question ? .....

 Today, I had one of those conversations where you had to use every single grain of patience a person can produce . 
 The other person involved should have considered themselves extremely lucky to have gotten off so lightly because I'm not so convinced another fellow abuse survivor would have been nearly as polite as I was about it and having been brought up to always have good manners this person should have been grateful that I didn't use the extended dictionary of swear words that I know .

 What annoyed this normally passive mild-mannered positive thinker I hear you ask ? .....

  It was this comment " I don't believe in domestic abuse. It's just people arguing.".
  Now, this one realitive, ignorant, and harmless opinion was then promptly followed up with " if someone hits you, then you've probably deserved it anyway ." Now that really pushed the button for me so having taken a massive deep big breath to help calm myself down they were then kindly informed that this particular survivor had spent 28 despicable years having every move and breath taken controlled by someone else , arguments were only ever one sided ( not my side of course ) and that maybe just maybe before they open their mouths to speak next time about a subject they obviously know nothing about then perhaps they should visit the local library to do a bit of research to educate themselves first .
 Now what shocked this person first was the fact that even though I had sort of known them for a couple of years, they had no idea about that particular part of my life .





  Once the first initial shock had worn off , the conversation continued and a few questions were asked . I answered everything with my normal honesty I always use and as this person went to walk off their last comment was " it's more interesting than you think it is isn't it ".
  That's exactly why I now choose to post stuff on here and in various other places . People who have never had to deal with it have no idea at all just how grim and misunderstood the whole thing is . It's not the world's most fascinating or intriguing subject but domestic abuse happens and that conversation I had prove's just how little others know about it .


 Here's a few random facts about it  .......

  2 women a week are killed by a current or former partner in England and Wales.

Women who experience domestic abuse
 are twice as likely to suffer from depression . 

40% of women who are made homeless state domestic abuse as being the cause of it .

It's estimated that 3 women a week die due to suicide caused by domestic abuse. 

18 men died due to the hands of their partner compared to 60 for a woman.

Is all the above interesting enough now ?...

Domestic abuse is never going to be the most intellectual subject to raise in a conversation , but maybe it should be . I'm fairly open about my past experiences and to be honest as I can as I've always said it's the biggest and most ugliest elephant in the room and yet some people still decide to ignore it in the silly vain hope that maybe it will all just  go away .
Guess what ? ....... it's never going to happen so why not open your eyes and see it for what it is .

  It's like I've said before in previous posts that no one knows better about domestic abuse than someone who has been there and has seen it . Unfortunately it looks like its down to myself and fellow survivors to help inform others and that includes all the nasty unpleasant parts of it . ignoring it or not wanting to deal with it isn't the right answer so I will continue on my path trying to raise the subject and sprinkle a little positivity on top whilst I'm at it .

 I know that people are looking and reading my posts which gives me the encouragement to keep on going with it all and I thank you for it .
  I could write down all the variouse and many help lines and groups in everyone's individual countries but I think I'd be there for ever and it still wouldn't make it a great conversion starter over a coffee with friends . If you ever decide to look the subject of domestic abuse up then you will see people like me or more random shocking figures and details that could out do any horror movie . I could include graphic details of fellow victims murders but then I think I would be removed and blocked from everywhere .




 
 For the time being at least domestic abuse will remain as it is , it will only become an interesting subject matter when things start to improve and people actually start to listern instead of trying to sweep it under the carpet like it never existed. Theres a good it's happening right now to someone out there somewhere and all of those that want to ignore it should maybe pay a visit to a refuge that try to help repair some of the damage caused because of it  . 
 Domestic abuse has been going on since caveman times and yet nothing has progressed forward that far when it comes to talking about it , you will be amazed at just how many people male or female are effected by it yet no one talks about it ... unbelievable isn't it .

  So I will just keep on in my belief that something might eventually change and I'll keep on going shouting about it in as many differant directions as I possibly can , would I be prepared to stand up in front of a load of unknown people to discuss it ?.....

       Too damn right I would !!!!!

 I won't ever let my story of domestic abuse and its recovery stop from getting out there and showing others that it can be survived and beaten  ..... this domestic abuse survivor isn't going anywhere  !!!!!!

 



Wednesday, January 17, 2024

Show your support .

 



Domestic abuse towards men should be dealt with and understood exactly the same way  .....

 I've recently spent a couple of evenings trying to find some decent info and images about abuse directed towards men and discovered with increasing intense frustration and saddess that unfortunatly it's almost an impossibility to find anything that's even vaguely useful .

   Go on try it ..... put in domestic abuse towards men in whatever search engine you're using and see what comes up .

There's endless groups and societies out there to help on the subject of domestic abuse but they are all mainly directed towards women or children ( both equally as important of course ) and that's extremely unfair to all the guys out there who have to deal with it and need the support .

    I feel overwhelming bewilderment that it's almost like because you're male, you should be able to just get on with life and cope with it all alone , but that's such a completely wrong attitude . Domestic abuse as I've said so many times is nothing but the elephant in the room when it comes to discussing the subject but when it comes to men needed to talk or wanting to talk about it , it then becomes almost an even bigger taboo subject matter . 

 I've already written a post previously about abused men before and yes I'm repeating a few things but it wasn't until I started looking a bit deeper into things that I realised just how utterly appalling it all is for them out there . 

 It doesn't matter if the abused victim is male or female the effects it has and the devastation it can cause to a person's life is still exactly the same thing so why can't they all be treated exactly the same way when its really needed ?.....

   Did you know that roughly 1 in 4 women are domestically abused and 1 in 6 to 7 men can suffer from it, too ?....




   Shocking isn't it , yet even though it's that many there still isn't nearly enough help or support out there for the men . Men believe it or not actually do have feelings and the after effects from domestic abuse are exactly the same as anyone else wrapped up in a similar position .  

  PTSD , depression , anxiety , and other mental health issues aren't just reserved for us ladies , just because the guys don't talk much about things doesn't mean to say that their not feeling anything . You can't really blame them if they put all the shutters down on their emotions , if they've either been brought up to " Man Up " on emotional stuff or they just have a serious case of male pride . It doesn't help that there's extremely very few places out there that they feel safe and can put their trust in to , in order for them to receive help and get treated the way they deserve to be treated .

   To all the guys out there who are or have gone through any form of domestic abuse please , please don't ever believe that no one cares because they do ( well , at least I do anyway ) . None of the abuse given out in your direction was ever your fault, and no, you most deffinatly didn't ask for any of it .  The mixed up feelings that you may have going on aren't crazy and no your not going mad , those manic thoughts are exactly the same as me and many other abused have had at some point .

    The only advice I can honestly offer is to never ever give up and just keep on looking, and hunting for those various groups out there that will listern to you . Some of the many differant domestic abuse social media groups out there allow both men and women to join ( I most certainly do on mine ) it should give those that follow which ever one that's decided upon the opportunity to reach out to talk to others without any discrimination given .

 



  So many Male domestic abuse victims seem to keep almost everything to themselves and you can hardly blame them for doing it , it shouldn't all be so one sided . As a domestically abused female survivor even I can see just how unfair and disheartening it all must be to try and go on with life feeling like you want to scream out loud but you think nobody wants to hear you . 

 I feel intensely strongly about any forms of domestic abuse but especially about male abuse , the more I research about it all the more frustrating it all becomes . I've yet to find a justified really good reason as to why there's a massive difference between men and women when it comes to receiving any form of help after abuse but unfortunatly there is .

    Domestic abuse can and does happen to absolutly anyone regardless of whatever sex , colour or religion a person may be , it's an enormously heavy burden to carry at the best of times but if there's no one out there to support and listern then it can all become over- powering and smothering , everyone should have exactly the same opportunities when it comes to help given and understanding when it's asked for  .

    I truly wish I could wave a magic wand all around and change how things are at the moment but meanwhile I shall continue standing up for and trying to do my best for all when it comes to domestic abuse , I will never stop reaching out to those that may need the support and as far as I'm concerned male , female, gay  or straight domestic abuse is still and always will be exactly the same thing . 

  As I mentioned at the start of all this trying to find any usable Male domestically abused images have proved to be extremely difficult so the images used are directed to all but the first one at the top of this post was made by myself so please feel free to use it in what ever way that's needed.


  


 



  

  

    

   

  


    

   

Monday, January 15, 2024

Feeling small .

 


 Domestic abuse is full of variouse acts of disrespect and humiliation.......

One of an abusers favourite things to go out of their way to make someone else feel almost non-existent , they don't care about how that other person might feel just as long as they think it makes them look bigger and better .
Now we all know that's a highly unpleasant way to treat someone else, but since when has a domestic abuser ever cared about what other people feel ?....

 The more humiliating and embarrassed they can make someone feel then the better it can make them feel . They don't care where they do it but normally, it's done in front of as many other people as possible in order to get the effect they want and they then gloat in other persons public humiliation .

   Belittling someone in order to make themselves look all big and superior is something I know about all too well , the " your fat , usless and ugly " comments were not just reserved for behind closed doors it could dished out on any random occasion that would give my now ex abuser the attention and satisfaction he craved . I've had it thrown at me in supermarkets , outside the school gate , in a church and numerous other places all without any care or thought on how just how devastating and humiliating it might of all been for me .





 


Some of the many many forms of humiliation , disrespect, and being made to feel smaller than a small thing are .......

  Compliments that were actually disguised as an insult .

Making sarcastic comments in order to demean or embarrass. 

Laughing at opinions , ideas, or actions in front of other people .

Saying things to undermine or insult .

Another persons achievements or any success totally dismissed or down played .

Cutting someone else off in mid sentence making it look like that the other person is talking utter rubbish .

The abuser then insults you even further by trying to say they " were only joking " in order to justify their actions which we all know is just a feeble excuse .







The abusers aim is complete embarrassment and awkwardness for the other person and unfortunately it's normally directed towards the latest poor victim who they happen to find themselves caught in their large sticky spider Web . 
 Being made to feel small can be completely soul destroying and it can crush any self-confidence a person may have . Abusers only thoughts are to make sure whoever they are with at the time feel totally belittled , weak and usless .
   Yes , you could try to defend yourself by reversing it all back to them but then the treatment can either get worse or the killer glare of " just wait till I get you back home " could happen , once that door is closed be prepared for revenge in which ever form they feel fits the crime .

 The big question is why does the abuser insist on doing what they do and is it all about just to make them feel better about themselves ?....

 Possibly , maybe , could be but to be honest it's anyone's guess . 
They must have a seriously low opinion of themselves if they feel the need to make someone else feel even smaller than they are or maybe they are just so bitter , twisted  and nasty that they actually believe its all perfectly normal and everyone does it .
  Maybe its all classic Napoleon Syndrome/complex/  ( my ex was about the same height as me but his character was weaker ) where they feel the need to over compensate all their social shortcomings and small character by being intimidating or aggressive towards others 🤔 ,
or it could just be that they are nothing but pathetic overgrown temper tantrum throwing 2 year olds who don't know how to behave themselves properly and they have no intention of ever growing up !

   OK , so you find yourself being made to feel small and inferior what's the next steps ?....







As I've just said you could try go do it back but there could be unfortunate consequences attached .

You could try turning all that negativity into a positive by using humour and just laugh it off ( but over time it can cease to be funny in any form and you run out of laughter ) .

  You could be brave and say it as it is , that you don't appreciate what's being said and there was no reason to say it ( but would the abuser get what your saying and would they stop doing it ?..)

Knowing what's meant as a genuine gone wrong joke and what's just offensive ( not always an easy job when it comes to abusers because they are so hood at what they do ). 


 Doing something is sometimes better than doing nothing so as your sat/stood there feeling like you just want to melt away 
 and you feel like all the eyes in the room are aimed in your direction and the person who is trying their best to make you feel not worthy of being is there then maybe you should start to consider if you really need this sort of treatment from someone who is supposed to care about you .
 Do you really need your confidence getting a battering every time you are near other people within hearing and when does a " joke " stop bring a joke ? ....






    Being positive is now one of my favourite occupation's and I'm one of the first to enjoy a really good laugh but if someone dares to crossover the line or decides their idea of fun is to belittle me and try to make me look worthless then they will not so polity get told exactly where to shove it with added swearing , this once suppressed , weak , scared to cause any trouble person now makes sure the person involved will only ever if they are really lucky get the opportunity to do it once .
  
  Domestic abusers hate anything or anyone that is stronger than they are ( haven't you noticed they always go for what they think are the weaker victims ? ) so why not show them just how strong you can be by changing your stars . 
   Your future is all down to what ever direction you decide to walk , Fate and its great friend destiny might have great plans for you .



  


  
  




 

  




 



   
 


 









Tuesday, January 9, 2024

Fate or Destiny ?

 



Fate or destiny ? is the question , personally I kind of believe its a little bit of both ......

Without question if I hadn't of lived through my 28yrs exodus of domestic abuse I would certainly not be where I am today so maybe I had to live  my past in order to live and appricate what I now have in my future 🤔. 

 Maybe thats a bit controversial but I'm actually beginning to think it maybe just maybe there's something in it ( or maybe its just the old Hippy in me sneaking out again  ) .

 Granted I think I might of preferred a better alternative way to get to where I am now  but it's certainly taught me some seriously good life lessons . It's most deffinatly without question made me mentally stronger and wiser .

 Was it fate that lead me to that first meeting with my now domestically abusive ex ?.... 

I don't know but what I do know is that without that one night I would not now have my three children . Yes I could have met someone else and had children with them but obviously my life was meant to go in the direction it took . It's taken me a bit of a while to see it but I most positively think that without that meeting I wouldn't now be writting this ( writting always being something of a bit of a childhood day dream ) .

  Maybe it would have been quite nice if fate hadn't taken quite so long to get where ever it was leading me but at least its given me an easier ride than others in a similar position .

What lessons have I learnt ?...

  The first one has to be to never to fall for a heart breaking sob story straight away . If in any doubt of someone I now do a little bit of  detective work on them , nothing major and no stalking just a matter of asking around to see what others might think . I'm a bit more guarded on giving my trust out to people now but once they get it then they gain it for life .

Next lesson is that if anyone dares to try to even think they can control anything to do with any aspects of my life , they can just keep on walking ( and when they get there they can just keep on going ) . I may make a few mistakes along the way in my life but that's exactly how I learn and any mistakes made will only happen the once .  In a weird way everything I now have in my life maybe I should owe to my now ex because without my experience with him I wouldn't be the person I am now ( or do I thank fate and destiny ?... ) .


 


My Destiny is to a point still unknown but I dont care because I now have every faith that where ever it intends to take me I know it's going to be a journey worth taking ,  Fate brought various people into my life and destiny gets to  decides which direction it all goes in . So far Its successfully managed to help relocate lost friends and it seems to be doing a pretty good job so far in the directions it takes me . I've learnt to not worry or panic in whatever comes my way but instead face it head on and just deal with it .

My domestic abuse story and it's recovery was my fate and now some of my destiny I'd like to think is to reach out and share it with others , I'm under no illusion domestic abuse will never end in my lifetime but if I've managed to help change just one person's life then the life fate handed out to me would have been all worth while . 

  Sharing that part of my life with whoever might come across it and read it means that the ridiculously sized elephant in the room called domestic abuse is out there in the open and if I can survive it so can anyone else . Thanks to fate or destiny or what ever you want to call it my life has certainly has a massive upgrade , I'm having a ball making up for all those lost years , I refuse flatly to act my age and now fully intend to grow old completely and utterly disgracefully .

   I've gained tattoos and several ear piercings because I wanted to and most importantly because I can , I now wear whatever I want , when I want to where ever I want and if I suddenly fancy a really good girls night out then all I have to do is send a couple of messages .  If I want to spend my day waking up at silly o'clock to just sit by a lake fishing all day then happy days and if I want to jump in a river with all my clothes on then I bloody well will ( maybe not in winter though 🤔 ) .




  Oh yes , I'm becoming a fast believer in fate and destiny because without it my life could be totally different . I'd like to think everything happens for a really good reason and it's up to the individual to find that reason ( sometimes not always easy ) , writting these posts has given me the opportunity to express all my inner thoughts and feelings and maybe it was destiny's help that encouraged me to first start it in order to help make sense of my past and maybe that same destiny has other plans for it who knows .

  This domestic abuse survivor is looking forward to the future and what ever it may bring with it , from now on I shall be holding my head up high and looking ahead for the unexpected interesting future that Fate or destiny have in store for me next . 







Saturday, January 6, 2024

Congratulations and celebrations.

 



✨️ A big congratulations to myself for two very important life changing decisions !!!!!!! ✨️


At the end of this month 9 years ago I made the first major decision and because of that one decision my life is now beyond a major improvement , that decision was to end my endless dark 28 years of domestic abuse .
 Yes , It caused quite a few slightly large ripples (slightly being an understatment there ) and a certain person was most deffinatly not a happy bunny about it but as I said at the begining of all of these posts it was either he had to go or I'd have to leave in a box . There was the obviouse classic hissy fits , temper tantrums and spiteful words but I had grown so used to all of that over the years that none of it really bothered me much anymore . I simply could not continue trying to live under the gigantic heavy cloud of domestic abuse  anymore , my mission at that particular period in time  was to get the control back of my own individual life and after several brutally honest phone calls to get help and advice and asking a few favours from good friends I had somehow managed to keep along the way I started travelling on my bumpy road of recovery and sunshine was slowly coming back into my life once again .




   I would be lying if I said it was super easy but looking back now it really wasn't nearly as differcult or complicated as I had originally thought it might be , Yes , deffinatly scary but that's only because I was still in the belief and mind set that I was complely worthless and useless ( if your told you are long enough then you start to believe you must be ) but once that snow ball started to roll along all myself belief and inner strength just grew bigger and bigger almost every single day .
 The grey heavy clouds that come with domestic abuse slowly began to lift and my days have become brighter ever since . Refusing to not allow all those gloomy thoughts and feelings to continue festing in my life proved to be one of the most positive things I have ever done ( apart from having my children of course ) .
My Story of domestic abuse  will always stay with me in the background but I now no longer hide behind the sofa from it and I'll carry on regardless shouting out loud about it ....

 I am a domestic abuse survivor and I'm extremly proud of it !!!!!




My second life changing decision started as a purely selfish act but it's sort of just adapted and grown into what it is today. 
 Three years ago I first started putting down my story of domestic abuse, I felt I needed at the time to put it all down somewhere in order to help clear some of the foggy cobwebs that insisted on lingering in the back of my mind . I put down my story then there was a bit of a long pause whilst I thought about what to do next and then I've continued on the positive aspect after tweaking it slightly in places and a little bit of editing .
  I knew from the start I would always do it as if I were talking to a friend and that it had to be written with total one hundred percent honesty  and above all else it had to start from the very first meeting in order for it to show how the abuse developed and grew overtime into what it eventually became .
  Reading some of it back now I'd like to think the writting has all improved as it's gone along , it's grown from not just being about my past domestic abuse experiences but also about how positive my life now is , this positivity I now try to spread and share all around . What started as just one thing has now begun to grow just like a seed and I can now also be found on Facebook , Instagram,  Threads , X and Quora and all for exactly the same purpose......that's to help others see surviving domestic abuse can be done .
It's most deffinatly been a unique journey reliving and remembering as much as I can , as you've probably seen if you've read any of my past experiences my domestic abuser was only ever emotionally , mentally and financially abusive along with the classic stopping me having as less contact as possible with family and friends ( plus a few other unpleasant things ) and looking back has helped enormously in helping me realise just what a fool I must of been for allowing it to continue for as long as it did . 
  You're absolutely right it doesn't read particularly that bad or that horrendous now it's all written down but when it's continually aimed in your direction for 28 extremely long years it does tend to tire you out just a bit ( note the typical english sarcasim used here ).
 I ended up actually believing I was "fat , usless and ugly " because I was told it almost every single day , my inner confidence in myself had been shot to pieces and there was I at the end of it with no or extremely little inner strengh left  .
  Today I now know I'm nowhere near as dumb as I was once lead to believe I was , I know none of what happened to me was even close to being my fault and actually I'm impressed with myself that I've manage to come out the other side reasonably sane,  level headed and the weird crazy bad dreams that were attached have almost ceased to exist .

 There are no more dark miserable clouds in my life anymore ( apart from the obvious weather type ones of course) and I'm actually quite enjoying living my life now 😊.
 I will be eternally grateful to all those that supported me , helped me and guided me along the way and to those that have read some or all of my previous stuff I say a massive big thank you .
  My days are now as full of as many happy warm fuzzy wuzzy sunshine moments and happy thoughts that I can squeeze into it , 
  My nine years of domestic abuse freedom has gone far too fast and I Iook forward to whatever comes along  my way in the future .
Please if your reading any of this and your going through your own personal domestic abuse nightmare then never say never to making the same sort of decision I once made and make your days worth living once again .
  
   






   
 



Monday, January 1, 2024

Something Special.

 


Special places are called that for a really good reason , we've all got one or maybe two but they all do the same thing......

 The images used today are all of mine and it's just a small simple classic ever unchanging English seaside town but that's exacly why I love it , you all know my passion for being outside regardless of the weather and this place is the one that garrented works for me everytime ( those who know me well enough will know exactly where it is but for those that don't well I'm sorry but it wouldn't be quite so special and secret if everyone knew where it was ) .

I first feel in love with the place when I young whilst on a family holiday way back in the mid 70s and from then on its called me back endless times , I've even taken my children there and they in turn love it there too . So what makes it so special to me ?........



Because it has kept all my childhood secrets that were written in the sand for the tide to wash away and as I became older its kept all my darkest thoughts and dreams . Anything once spoken in a whisper or any longed for wishes made were swept up in a sea breeze never to be heard or seen again by anyone else , any secrets once told I know would be kept safely secret for all time . All of my dreams and happy ever afters are thanks to to the sand , sea and air held here .

When I was living through my darkestest dismal days of domestic abuse it was this place I saw when I closed my eyes at night , it was this place I used to visualise whilst I was in labour with all three of my children ( apprently I was just showing off not having any form of a painkiller for all three ) and most importantly it was the only place inside my head that my now domestic abusive ex could never get to take away from me  or use against me .

  He knew how strongly I felt about this place but he couldn't move it away or change how I felt about it no matter how hard he tried , it was all mine and I will never surrender it to anyone . The photos used today are all my own and none really don't do it nearly enough justice but whilst writting this today all the warmth and happy days spent there are rushing back and it still makes me smile even on this slightly soggy day to remember it all ( why is it always warm and sunny when I picture it in my mind 🤔 ).

 Perfect endless sunny summer days spent on the sandy beach , collecting different  interesting shells , bits of drift wood and for some strange reason trying to dig down as far as I could go became my eagerly awaited annual holiday , swimming in the sea was garrented event no matter how cold it felt to begin with and then of course there was always the classic Fish and Chips that seemed to taste even better when eaten straight out the paper whilst sitting on the sea wall .

 Wintertime it's full of its all powerful gusts of extremly strong wind , there's cold hands , windswept hair and wrapping up warm always a garrentee but its still glorious for clearing those all too messed up cobwebs from a foggy mind . The sea proving just how masterful it can really be on a December day with its roaring waves and leaving the taste of salt in the air .



 Now you've met my perfect place , where's yours ?....

 Everyone has one  , it's that place you can transport or time travel yourself back to in your dreams at any time , it's that place where you feel safe and be at peace with yourself , it's that place you will never forget and the place that will always mentally protect you , I've spoken about happy places before and it's sort of the same thing but not nearly quite as special .

  Those that have been domestically abused sometimes need that special place in their minds to escape to when needed , most people have a place like that but to an abuse victim it can be the only thing that keeps them sane . If your in this positions then try it , think of that place that inwardly makes you smile and focus on it , slow your breathing right down and concentrate on it .  Not always an easy thing to do granted when all around is going crazy but try it afterwards when your poor brain is trying to process all those recent events it can somtimes help to clear the muggy thoughts a bit and clear your thinking  .

  Every single tiny detail needs to be replayed , every single shop , lamp post , seagull and pebble or whatever it is carefully placed in the picture perfectly all ready to be viewed in your mind when needed and then when the abuser starts all over yet again it's there in the background of your mind ready to surround its self around you like a warm comfy blanket ready to protect your inner self .

   Close your eyes and picture your place and I bet you will see each and every tiny little detail , how you use those thoughts and feelings is a totally individual one but mine helped save me on many an occasion .  Is it a form of meditation or self therapy I don't know but it certainly works for me and I hope it works it's magical spell on others . It can take a little practise to begin with but trust me it's worth evey second when you start doing it . 

Do I still feel the same about my special place now I'm free of my Abuser ?....

  Yes absolutely without question  !!!!!!!!!

  



   

 

  

 



  

Saturday, December 30, 2023

Happy New Year !!

 





 Its the new year so why not adapt a few things in your life ?......

  life is far too short to get it wrong and you only get one go at it so if there's anything that's going on in your life your not happy about why not adapt it to fit , I won't say change things because that sounds far too dramatic and big and I won't say make a new years resolution either because that sounds too flimsy and resolutions can be broken to easily . 
 By adapting things your not making any major serious changes your just simply tweaking the edges of ideas you had  already
 and helping making them fit a bit better in the massive Jigsaw of life , It's your Jigsaw so why not design it your way and then all the pieces should fit perfectly. 

  Domestic abuse can't be stopped over night and it's a foul path to find yourself traveling but what you can do ( and that's only when you feel you are ready to) is to take another path to walk on , like a lot of things in life you may not know exactly where that new path might take you but it has to be better from where you've just come from so why not explore it . A new path can take you to new brighter future and that can only mean endless positivity . 






  You all know my story by now so I'll not bore you with it all yet again but what I will say is that one of the best things I have ever done in my life is to make that decision to take a different pathway , at the time yes it was slightly scary ( understament ) but WOW !!! life is good now 😌. I've learnt to adapt my path to go in the direction it should have gone in and not the way someone else wanted it to go .
  No more carrying the heavy weight of being domestic abused on my shoulders,  no more hiding from the real world and most deffinatly no more crying those silent inner tears for pain or hurt no one else could ever see , there's only one person who has the right to control my life and that's me ( granted I don't always get it right but I just keep on going regardless ) .
   The path I walk now is ever changing but always full of laughter , I now do stuff that I always led to believe were way off my radar but I've discovered all the rubbish I was once told was because of that other persons insecurities and not my own , they still have all of them of course but none of it is now directed my way .
  Every step I now take forward I see as a whole brand new adventure , it doesn't matter how small that step is I'm still going to enjoy each and every moment of being able to now be true to myself . 
  Now the next question is are you ready to take a new path ?...
   If no then don't worry you will when the time is good and right for you .
  If yes then why not just live the dream .



  How can I be so unbelievably positive in life after surviving domestic abuse?....

  That's a really easy one to answer  , I've always been a positive thinking kind of person ( in fact it was was only the positive thinking that kept me going sometimes back then ) but now I just let it all out and I like to share it all around because being positive can be contagious . I've always tried to turn anything negative into a positive no matter how small or dark it might be . Good example is today, it may be a grey end of year day but as I'm writing this I'm enjoying a nice cup of tea and thinking that those nice chocolate biscuits are looking like they might need eating 😋 

   Thinking positive isn't a particularly hard thing to do,  you just start with something small and then go from there. Over a period of time all those small thoughts grow and then you can end up finding yourself smiling at the most weirdest things but all in a positive way and it's that smile you gain that is priceless. 
Laughter doesn't cost anything and it can come in variouse forms , there's giggles , chuckles or even like father Christmas ho ho ho's . It doesn't matter how or where the smiles and laughter start , it's all about the enjoyment of whatever it was that started it all off in the first place .

  If that domestic abuse is seemingly never ending , offering nothing but dark negativity and your finding yourself believing all the rubbish your told then there is only one person that can change things and that's you and most importantly never think you can't do it because just like me there are thousands out there who just like you thought it would never happen to them but they found that strengh and survived it, they changed the direction they wanted to walk and so can anyone else .
  Changing your path is a unique journey and your surroundings are what ever you want them to be , it's you walking it so you get to pick who you walk some of the way with , only you get to decide where you stop off for the odd pit stop and its you that decide who it is that you get evicted off your path with a big kick if needed. Yes it really is honestly that simple ( tough sometimes but reasonably simple ) . 
  
Why not make the new year coming be your year , adapt that path if needed .  It's your life so make it work for you , believe in yourself and good things will follow !!!!!

  

  


    

  


 

  
  

  
  

Have no regrets.

       Domestic abuse is just like walking in a mine field ,  you never  know exacly when the next explosion could happen and it's alway...