Saturday, February 24, 2024

How does your garden grow ?


After escaping from domestic abuse comes the almighty feeling of having a massive heavy weight lifted from your shoulders.......

   Once the burden has finally been removed the next bit is total panic !!! Why the panic ?....

  Realility kicks in, and you realise that yes you may be a free person but then what hell do you do next ?....


   You just stop ✋️,  then sit down and relax because you've just achieved a seriously major thing and the hardest part has just been done .  Whilst your catching your breath write down any questions you may need to ask to people who can help you and then search online for the contacts your going to need .

   I'd love to be able to write down all the brilliant groups and their phone numbers but unfortunatly different countries have different help- lines . Don't ever let the thought of starting that search scare you because once you either write that first Email or dial that first number everything just seems to become a whole lot easier as you go along .

   Think of it like the seasons changing , here in England we are really close to the beginning of Spring , the birds are waking up early and showing off with their morning songs and there's a few signs that the plants in my garden are slowly reaching their way up towards the sun .   

  Just like those newly emerging fresh shoots those first few days or weeks after breaking free for the abuse survivor can be a bit unnerving but it's now its nothing but constant  new strong growth . 

    I love watching how my plants seem to know exactly when it's time to restart their life , they take a slight risk everytime but as yet have never got it wrong or failed to amaze me with their colourful flowers ( the bees seem to appreciate it too ) , My job in their future life is  to make sure they don't become smothered by the overpowering weeds that want to turn everything ( just like the domestic abusers of this world ) .

  Yes this enormously positive optimistic thinking person is getting totally excited about all the fun and games awaiting me in the next coming months , I'm already mentally planning which plants will go where and will I have enough room to cram a few more in somewhere , there's the heaverly  anticipated heavenly fishing trips to look forward to and the odd random trip to the coast with vague excuses that it was a really good excuse to get some decent proper fish and chips .

    There's a glowing warm future just waiting for all domestic abuse survivors and trust me it's well worth the lost time that was spent trying to make do with what could be scrapped together when with an abuser . You all know how many ridicules years I wasted of my now much valued life in trying to live a life where I never really existed , those years I will never get back or repair damage done during them but the one most all important thing I can now do is share my story , support anyone that may need it and encourage others to go out there and enjoy what the world has to offer .


 I'm ever hopeful my positivity about life is highly contagious , I'll keep on posting about how outstanding life can be after domestic abuse and maybe fingers crossed I'm sparking something in someone elses mind that will take away those horrendous dark clouds that come with domestic abuse , the abused are never the crazy dreamers but the abused most certainly are .

  No one ever has the right to overtake , control or dominate another persons life and just like those weeds that try to raise their ugly little heads in my garden the good postives in life will over-rule them if needed .

    I think I've spoken before about the beautiful and perfect simple little Dandelion plant before , many see it as an over powering annoying weed but I don't, I see it as an amazing splash of much needed colour after winter and its also acts as one of the first ports of call for the Bumble bees that have newly awoken in my gardening world it has as much right to grow and live its life as another plant .  Just as the old saying goes " A weed is only a weed because its in the wrong place " ( that to a certain  point includes Domestic abusers ) .  If that humble bright sunshine yellow Dandelion can have such an amazing part to play in life then why can't any survivor of domestic abuse ?...

    Your absolutely right there is no reason why not .

     Life is never always easy ( and I wouldn't expect it to be either ) but it's what you put into it that really counts , if you insist on planting weeds then you'll never get the beauty of seeing nice flowers . 

   Those that domestically abuse only have weeds in their life and they will try to go out of their way to spread those weeds , they are the one's that waste their whole existence in a weed infested garden . 

 Now the next question is what do you want your garden to be like ?....

     My garden is as I now am and thats full of life  , regrowth and endless possibilities , any possible weeds that are there is because I decided they could be there and just like Mr Blackbird that's the very first to start his song in the morning I'm hoping to shout out to the world that this domestic abuse survivor is extremly proud to still be able to exist !!

  I remember all to well when someone else tried to rule my life and it was me that made that all powerful life changing decision to be my own boss in life and to de-weed my garden  .

   Never forget that just like any really good keen gardener everyone has the ability to adapt and change their garden in what ever way they see fit  , they decide on what goes where and whether to keep those cheerful Dandelion's . 









Thursday, February 22, 2024

Not Guilty.


Anyone that's been involved in any of the many forms of domestic abuse will at some point get all the blame thrown in their direction.....

 Nothing of course is the abusers fault or at least not in the eye of the abuser anyway and that's just yet another totally frustrating aspect of dealing with the world of domestic abuse. 

 Why abusers refuse to accept the blame for their own actions or ever except maybe just maybe their not as perfect as they like to think themselves to be is any ones guess .

Walking away from the darkness that is domestic abuse is hard enough but then you also become the innocent guilty party ( which doesn't make any sense at all really does it ?..) Abusers are experts in reversing all the blame and they will stand there hand on heart , tears in their eyes and wearing a deeply hurt expressions pleading their case and in some extreme cases they even try to blame their victim of domestic abuse . 

   Being blamed for past events is something that I'm fully qualified in , everything during my 28yrs in my past domestic abuse story has been spun , twisted and completely manipulated into a heart breaking sob story full of dramatic woe-is-me tales that is told by my now ex-abuser , some of it involves me having continuous affairs ( only slightly difficult considering I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or talk to anyone else ) and of course everything else was just rubbish I had either made up or lied about .

  One thing I've always prided myself in is my honesty about my abuse , I've gone out of my way to make it all sound as undramatic as possible ( only because I feel there's considerably worse cases out there ) and I've never fluffed it up or tried to make it fancy , I've never wanted others sympathy and I certainly don't speak about it or write about it to grab any attention . My original decision to put my experience down somewhere was a purely selfish action so I could put all of my crazy mixed up thoughts down somewhere in order to de-fuzz the crazy mixed up thoughts that had been going around my head just like a washing machine on a big spin cycle . None of it may contain much highly valued content but what it does have is the unseen support and peace of mind it can offer to others who are unfortunate enough to find themselves in a similar position .

  Yes, I'll hold my hands up high and say that I wasted far to many years believing that everything was my fault and that I must be humberly grateful for everything my abuser had ever done for me but then I woke up to the reality and although I know I may not be perfect ( but who is ?) I now know I was never as " fat , ugly and useless " as I was led to believe I once was . This particular domestic abuse survivor now flatly refuses  to ever go back in a situation like that ever again .

   Call it what ever you like ( but brain washing comes to mind ) domestic abusers will always use anything or anyone to reach their intended target and they will use whatever it takes to portray themselves as the innocent party .

  So we've now established that the abuser isn't quite as pure and innocent as they make themselves out to be and that they can become highly impressive Oscar award winning actors/actresses but that still doesn't stop the abused victim feeling guilty. 


                     Why feel guilty?....

Because the poor victim has had so many of their various normal logical thoughts and feelings mashed , squashed and smashed into submission. 

 Time is a most marvellous magical healer and over time the damage is slowly repaired ( maybe not 100% but enough to survive anyway ) . You start seeing the different colours in life and not just the endless shades of dismal grey , and the discovery that the whole blame lays in only one person's hands and that person is most positively not and never will be the abused victim .

 Without question all domestic abusers are guilty of all crimes commited !!!!

   Anyone that has ever read further into any of my other posts will know by now that I've already covered the whose to blame thing before but  it's a subject that needs to sometimes be repeated because that over powering feeling of guilt can't just disappear overnight . Maybe my endless words of not so important wisdom on my variouse posts are not bursting full of useful information but what they are overflowing with is my truthful experience of domestic abuse and that not only have I been there , seen it and done it but I've also most successfully survived the whole experience .

  There's endless emotions that connect with domestic abuse and most are not always the greatest , some are highly unpleasant and some can wipe away a person's very inner soul but never forget these emotions can always be detached and replaced with brand new and even better ones once the abuser has been evicted or left . 

  Never let those somtimes heavy feelings of guilt of " was it really me ? " overtake you or smother you because none of it is true , there's a ridiculous amount of confusion , uncertainty and answerable questions superglued to domestic abuse and I gave up long ago attempting to answer most of them .

  There is one true answer I can give and that's  a gigantic massive big NO !!!!  no-one else is ever guilty other than the abuser when it comes to domestic abuse  .

  Granted It can be a bit of a bit of a tricky thing to prove to anyone else but the most important thing is that the ones that have been abused start to believe that they are the innocent party and none of it was their fault no matter what they may of been told  .

 The common factor in domestic abuse is the abuser and their actions , they decided to make the decision to abuse someone , they hit out either emotionally or physically and they made it their mission to attempt to control another human beings life so how does that all become the abused victims fault ? ...

      If your having those " it wasnt me , was it ?  " thoughts or any other of those self doubt moments creeping in then please take my advice and don't ever believe any of it !!!







Sunday, February 11, 2024

As time goes by ....


Domestic abuse in any of its numerous horrendous forms is just like waiting for a time bomb explosion to go off at any given moment....

   Those of us who have either been there or are still goimg through it will know exactly what I mean by time bomb , it can go off without any form of warning, and there's never any time to prevent or protect against injury . The human time bomb will then, when all is calm once again turn around and blame the abused victim for the actions they have just used against them .
    Why ?......

Because obviously, nothing is ever their fault of couse ( and never expect an apology for it either ).

   I'm a massive firm believer in that Life is far too short to get it wrong and that you only get one go at it , I personally now flatly refuse to waste anymore of my much valued years left on this earth . You all should know my domestic abuse story by now ( if not then I suggest you read a few of my posts at the begining of all of this ) and I'm the first to hold my hand up high and declare how totally stupid I was staying in that relationship for as long as I did , it's unbelievable now to think about how many years I wasted on someone and something where any ideas of contentment or happiness on my side were never allowed .  As I've said many times before the only worthwhile things I ever gained from that whole time period were my three children and it never ceases to impress me on how reasonably level headed they have all ended up .

  Time is something no-one can afford to waste in life , I may not be able to get the time back I lost but I sure as hell can make up for it all now !!!
   If I'm asked to go out for a good night out at a local pub then I'll do my very best to get there and whilst I'm at it I'll wear whatever I want and talk to whoever I want .  If I suddenly decide to wake up at stupid o'clock on the morning , load up all the fishing gear and sit by a lakeside waiting for the fish to bite then I absolutely will because its my choice and no-one else's on what I now decide to spend my time doing . 
   Time may be just a short four letter word but to me it's a bit of an endless full of experiences type of thing , I try not to waste any time and I try to do at least something with it no matter how small that something might be .  
  Writting these posts isn't always a simple case of just sitting down , typing out all the words , chucking in a few pictures and then downloading it all . It most often can start with just one simple basic idea and then over the length of the day that one singular idea then begins to grow . All of the day that growing idea will be developing untill I think I might have a decent amount to work with , some cases ( especially if I'm sat at a lakeside totally chilled out ) the words just all seem to know what to do by themselves , where to go and which ever it is at the time I then put it all down ...... no time wasted and it's all being used I'd like to think constructively ☺️ .

  Think of life being like one of those sand hourglass things , very very slowly over a long period of time that sand will slowly fall away . There not a lot you can do to stop it but its what you cram into those moments before they disappear that really counts . Yes can always turn that hourglass over but you still get exactly same amount of sand to play with .

   Those that domestically abuse others are the one's that seem to insist on wasting what precious time they have on making life as as unpleasant as possible for others and then means they are losing grains of sand even faster because of all their pent up aggression and negativity . 

  Can you slow slow down the movement of that sand ebbing away ?......

  Maybe but it's all down to the individual. 

You'll never be able to stop it happening but what you can do is to try to pack as much fun , laughter , love and positivity into everything you do so that you don't notice where the sand is all going and you don't lose any time looking for it either .
   My sand I think is about half way done ( not in a negative way but a realistic one ) , I'm not a young energetic 19 year old anymore and there's  some days that my poor old body complains about things but it's not going to ever stop me filling my days , enjoying life or wasting any more time being true to myself .

   Want some proof on my refusal to grow old gracefully ?....

  I'm the grand owner of an electric scooter  !!!!!
  It might scare the hell out of me sometimes as I hang on to it with sweaty palms but the more I use it the more fun and giggles I'm having 🤣 .
  I decided long ago that the sand in my hourglass of life is neon coloured with added sparkles , its my sand so its entirely up to me how and what I decide to do with it .
 Never allow someone else to control or manipulate your valuable time om this earth , If you don't like the way things are going then why not change it , there is and only ever really will be just one person who has the right to control the the way you live your life and that that one singular special sensational superfantastic person is...........YOU !!!!






Monday, February 5, 2024

Dreams can come true .


Domestic abuse is all about the control . Who you talk to , what you wear ,  where you go and eveything else you do in your day by day life ....

  Just imagine having a list of all the things you've always fancied doing but your blocked at every move you make 🤔  , it doesn't matter how crazy,  weird or unique those thing in your head might be , unfortunatly the abuser becomes a massive kill joy for everything  and you find yourself putting all those dreams on the back burner .

         What's on your bucket list ?....

      There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a list tucked up in the back of your mind stuffed full of random , reasonably hopefully not too painful pipe dreams . I'm fairly positive most people have one and it's entirely up to the individual on how , when and where they manage to achieve
them . Remember growing up and day dreaming or wishing on a star that you could be a princess , world cup scoring football player , Formula One racing driver or maybe even a beautiful rainbow coloured glittered unicorn .

   Now just how many of those dreams or wishes have become a reality ?....( OK , maybe the Unicorn thing can be marked as a bit of an impossibility 🤔 )

  Living with a domestic abuser means that all those plans have to go on a long time hold because your wants and needs are never classed as a consideration in things , just as long as the entire world revolves around the abuser in your life they don't care very much about others. 
  If your brave enough to speak about anything that may be on your wish list you can garrentee what ever it is will get laughed at or ridiculed and then what they think is the most funniest joke will get thrown back in your direction at any given deeply embarrassing moment .
  My advice is to keep all those those longed for desires securely stored somewhere safe and use the time to build and improve on them because you never know when the opportunity will arise to put one or all of them into action.

     What was on my bucket list ?....

    Ever since I was young and I had read my very first book all by myself ( Pip the pixie by Enid Blyton ) I've had a love of reading and that then devolped into thinking to myself  I could maybe one day write something too , and now I like to think I'm doing just that ( not exactly what I expected to write but you should always expect the unexpected ) .

  I spent many years with five peicings in my ears ( two in one side and three in the other ) and always quite fancied a few more . Now since I'm a free person I've gained another two (  I've got a bit of a strange thing about only liking odd numbers in my ears 😊 ) . 

 Another one marked off my list was having a tattoo , not everyone's idea of a good thing thing I know but especially after having my children I wanted a way to mark the event and carry them with me always . I now have 3 stars  representing them on my arm and a dragonfly on the other one .

   None of the above I know for sure would never of been able to happen if I was still trapped in my prison of domestic abuse , I can hear the mockery and the sarcastic comments in my head even now that would have been flung in my direction and the laughing callous voice stating that I was far to old to be that silly and ridiculous , guess what ?....

                  I don't care less now !!!!!

    I might just decide to get even more holes in my ears and more tattoos in years to come , I might suddenly decide I fancy writting a best selling romantic novel or even emergrate to the moon , the whole point is that I can now do whatever I want and some of my dreams are just not wishful thinking anymore .
  That's just one of the hundreds of good reasons why I'm now grateful for having my new found freedom , to me it's now priceless and I'm refusing to waste anymore time not enjoying it .

   Freedom from a domestic abuser is like having your prison door being suddenly unlocked and then opened up after years of cruel punishment , taking those very first steps can be a bit scary to begin with but each and every step forward means that things can only get better as time goes by . 
  All those dreams and wishes can come true after abuse , being free means you can not only wish on that falling star but you can grab tight hold of it and ride it to a completely different and even better new existence . Don't every stop believing in those dreams or wishes because their all yours and if you believe in them hard enough then one day they might just all come true .

  I know I'm a little selfish when I use my past domestic abuse experiences as examples for my many variouse posts but to be honest their all I've got as reasonably decent , reliable , genuine examples and I know I can use all of it safely without any harm or malice to anyone else .     
   Thanks to my breakaway for freedom a few years ago I've gained so much more in life and I truly wish the same for all those that have been there or are are still there . The feeling of complete and total release from domestic abuse is unquestionably the greatest feeling a person can feel after suffering from the hands of their abuser , days seem to look so much brighter , the sun feels even warmer and you start to rediscover the person who you used to once be .

 Why not try looking up to the nightsky and make a really good wish on the first star you see !!!












Saturday, February 3, 2024



As the old saying goes " Revenge is a dish best served cold " but can it work when applied to to those who have broken away from domestic abuse?....

  The answer to the above can all depend on the individual , how they want to go about it and if they felt they wanted to do it .  Yes , you could if you felt particularly vindictive and nasty enough attempt to try to treat your abuser exactly the same way they once treated you but that then leads to several other questions .

Would they actually notice what you were doing?...

Would they actually care  if you did it ?....

Would they then in return turn around and say  you were domestically abusing them ?....

Would you honestly feel any better if you decided to do it ?....

 Personally , no I don't think treating someone exactly the same way they treated you in this kind of situation would work very well because I'd like to think I'm a much better person than my now ex abuser is .
 I was brought up to always have good manners and be polite so treating someone with spiteful , hurtful words and actions goes completely against everything I was taught and that I believe in .
 I don't know about those reading this but it's not in my nature to want to be physically violent to anyone or anything , in my mind violence is never the correct answer to anything  . 

 Would writing a letter containing all the built up anxiety, tension and frustration and then sending it to a domestic abuser work ?......

 Maybe , but you have to rely on the fact they would actually want to read it it let alone understand what you were trying to say to them .
 I know for a fact that anything I wrote ( not that I would ever consider trying to do it and I wouldn't want to waste the paper ) would just straight away go in the nearest shredder like it and me never existed .
Could you go to the police to report them ?....

I guess that would all depend on how serious the abuse was and how much good quality proof or evidence you have to show it all happened . Some things when it comes to domestic abuse are almost impossible to prove , if there are only two people in the room and your being verbally abused you dont tend to remember to set things up to record what's going on because it can all happen so fast and unexpectedly .


So if none of the above seems a really good revenge option what else could someone do ?....

  This one is a really easy one to answer and it's a relatively easy one to do too  , is to just simply keep on existing. 
  I know for a fact that the one major and biggest thing that ultimately annoys my now ex is that not only am I still breathing but I'm also not quite as usless as I was once constantly told .
  Another thing that I think I can safely put down as my sort of revenge is the fact I'm not scared to tell the entire world that I was domestically abused and if I'm asked I'm more than happy to go into a few details . Revenge doesn't have to be the obvious kind of thing but sometimes just sometimes showing that your not afraid to be yourself can be the most powerful thing you can do .  
  I suppose the next big question would be is are there any benifits in getting revenge?....

  Yes and no , Yes because its showing that if your knocked down , you will always rise back up again and No because all revenge will do in the end is to keep crawling over the past instead of moving forward .

 What if the fact that those that have come out of the other side of domestic abuse already have the ultimate revenge?....

  It's the ultimate one because the survivor gets to live their life without any form of abuse thrown in their direction , they are free to enjoy their life. 
 The abuser will always remain the abuser regardless of who their next victim may be . They will brag about how fast and easy it was to replace their last one but we all know that going by their previous record the next one will wise up to being abused and then take the road to freedom ....the abuser then gets to start all over yet again .
  Survivors have their freedom to be true to themselves but the abuser will never be able to find that kind of inner peace because their minds are just wired up differently , they for whatever reason have a deep rooted insecurity and will never be fully relaxed and calm in their own space .

  Yes , absolutely I think I may of discovered the best way to take my own personal revenge and that's to remain being my true positive self  and its something any one else can do too . Being strong on the inside can be the equivalent of an ultimate super power and that super power can over ride absolutly anything that's chucked or blown in your direction .That deep rooted invincible inner super power can be mightier than any grip an abuser thinks they have over someone. Its stronger than any WWE wrestling champion and faster than Superman on a high , it can be totally invisable to the naked eye but the end results can still be seen and it can be as silent as a bird in flight .  Everyone has it and its down to the individual when and how its used .

   Never doubt that inner strengh and yes there may be times you think you may of lost it but I promise you it will always be there tucked up all safe and sound for when you really need it .





Fairytales and make believe .


Just like all good classic Fairytales and childhood stories, domestic abuse has their own unique forms of big bad mean nasty villains........

There is a beautiful story by Hans Christian Anderson called The Snow Queen and if you've never had the joy of reading it then I fully suggest you do . 

   There's an bad little troll who decides to make a magical mirror and this mirror somehow can only show in its reflections all the bad and ugly it sees ( basically it's only reflecting the negative and never the positive) . The troll decides his mirror needs to be shared around so its taken to many differant places . Its whilst it's on its travels that it gets dropped sending thousands of tiny pieces of itself everywhere , if you were unfortunate enough to  get a piece attached to yourself then you would become just like the original mirror.  Now I've just explained the very basics to the fairytale, but what if all the domestic abusers of this world are the fault of that one mirror ?.... 🤔

O.K ,  maybe that's an extremely weak and feeble excuse for their actions but wouldn't it be amazing if just like in the story love and kindness conquered over evil and everything ended happily ever after ?....

 An extremly large case of wishful thinking I know, but what that little tale does show is that being strongly positive can be the toughest weapon anyone can have and that you should never give up .

   February has just begun here in England and if you listern really carefully the birds are just begining to show off on the morning with their singing , on a really good day you can even feel a little bit of warmth from the sun on your face and Spring plants are slowly starting to stretch their way up out of the soil  . Waking up each and every day now is full of surprises and it never ceases to amaze me that good old Mother Nature can still produce her magic no matter how dark and gloomy things once were .

  Domestic abuse is like living through the toughest bleakest coldest winter imaginable , every single day can be overtaken with the most darkest unforgiving clouds and you begin to forget how bright things used to be . It's the equivalent of that spiteful ugly mirror in that fairytale story , it contains only the bad bitter evil things and only seems to reflect nothing but total negativity . Those evil sharp shards of mirror will try to do their very best to attack all your positivity and turn it into even more unneeded and unwanted morbid doom and gloom .   

  Carrying the overbearing heavy burden of domestic abuse can become soul destroying and heart breaking . How to beat the feelings of oppressive heavy  dark clouds or over power those painful pieces of mirror is an individual thing but yes of course it can be done ( I certainly wouldn't be writting any of these posts if it couldn't be ) . 

It's all about reclaiming what was once yours and by that I mean your all too valuable life .  Just like those very early first signs of growth from hibernating plants , it's the waking up and reaching out that starts all the getting stronger stuff  .

Positivity can be a highly powerful thing and anyone can use it when things all seems low .  It's not about the rain in life but the beautiful rainbow that you may get from it that really counts .  Thinking optimistic positive thoughts can be done absolutely anywhere at anytime and the bonus is it doesn't cost anything to do !!

 As I'm looking out of my window today and enjoying my first morning cup of tea I can see there's a possible chance the sun might break through the clouds so I fully intend to take that as my first positive sign of the day and go out and start the Spring clear up in the garden so those first emerging stalks of fresh life can have some space to grow .

   Domestic abuse survivors are just like those plants in my garden , first comes the waking up from dark abusive nightmare and then the reaching out for the sunlight begins . Each and every day of that new found freedom makes the survivor stronger , and its that positive strength that keeps you going forward . Once you get your freedom and the growth begins the rest of your life will be under only one person's control and that one single person will be you !!  Don't ever stop believing you can't do something before you even try it , life can actually be quite good fun and my advice will always be why not give it a go .

    Try turning those odd random negative thoughts into positive ones , it was never you that had one of those rough and sharp pieces  of mirror from the story at the beginning of this post stuck on you  , it was your abuser and they can continue on their path of destructive behaviour without you .   Personally I know my now abusive ex is still doing his thing somewhere out there to someone else but as long as it doesn't envolve me I don't care , my life now is a massive major improvement and anyone else that's either gone through the giant domestic abusive cement mixer or are still going around inside of it just never forget that it's your life and your future so if you don't like the road it's taking then why not just simply pick a new one to travel on instead . 

   On my travels along my positive road in life I like to scatter my positivity all around just like the wild flower seeds in my garden , it doesn't matter where they all go just as long as it grows and then self- seeds all around  and I'm sharing some around today to whoever may read it . 

If you find some positivity today why not pass it on just like those seeds  ?........
















Saturday, January 27, 2024

Mission Not-so impossible.



After my over extended period of emotional and mental domestic abuse I'm now a firm believer that nothing is impossible....

 I've already written about how it all began and fragments of events in previous posts so I won't bore everyone with repeating myself ( I do far too much of that sort of thing as it is ) , but the part that I will go over yet again is the breaking away from it .
 Domestic abuse in any of its various forms can feel like all the time you're living through it impossible to escape from , when the relationship first started everything seemed perfectly normal but gradually over time the person who you first thought was your perfect Mr/Mrs wonderful turns out to be the equivalent of Frankinstiens monster and the beautiful red roses loving sent with hearts and kisses turn out to have evil nasty sharp thorns attached .

  One day you start to notice that maybe just maybe things aren't quite what they should be . You look around and start to notice that other couples don't appear to have a master controller, but instead they both work as a team . You then start becoming more observant about how other couples treat each other and the respect they give . 
  All this starts the begining of that moment where you wake up one day and realise that the life your living isn't a normal one . It can happen instantly or slowly like a leaky waterpipe but it's that final waking up of " I can't do this s£%t anymore " moment that can start the whole great escape .  

  The totally mixed up feelings of knowing what you have to do are always edged with a little bit of fear but that's only because you find yourself doubting your own actions and because you've successfully been brain washed into believing you only have one half functioning brain cell . That fear of the unknown will get used by the abuser to try to keep you where they think you should belong but that's only their own personal insecurities going into overdrive  .
  Once that seed of reality gets planted deep inside and it starts to grow the more stronger you will become and you start to rediscover that actually your a pretty bloody brilliant kind of person really . 

   I remember well that feeling of when the overwhelming weight of domestic abuse began to lift away and that feeling of final freedom is something I will never forget .
  Yes , there will be a very good chance that your captor may not like your actions but don't ever let that stop you being a free person , they will try everything from tears to anger to try to keep you where they want you to be but if your lucky and find your door of your abusive cage wide open then I suggest you keep on going through it before it snaps back shut again , trapping you back in for possibly endless years to come .

   Freedom..... it's what ever you want yours to be , once you reclaim your life back its then entirely up to you which direction you decide to travel . Ask for help from which ever groups are out there in whatvever country you may be in . Be fully prepared to be honest and open ( even if it means breaking down in front of complete strangers) , the people out there who can and will help are full of advice and guidance so why not use it .

   Scary maybe at the very begining but WOW !! it's the greatest journey an abused victim can ever take , it's a thing that only a survivor could really fully understand, I think . You start to notice all the silly little almost completely forgotten about things in life like how peaceful things can become without having to constantly watch your own back and being able to dress in what ever clothes you want or deciding randomly that you fancy a nice stroll around the local park just because you can and you know there's no one clock watching you ( or ringing to say " where the hell are you " as in my case ) .

  Freedom from domestic abuse is absolutely outstanding and that's exactly why I'm now doing what I'm doing by reaching out and supporting others , maybe I should as I've said before thank my now ex abuser because without the abuse given none of you wouldn't be reading any of this 🤔 .
 I'm here as living proof there is and can be life after domestic abuse and that yes escaping from it can be done if you really want it . It's well worth all the hassle and various phone calls made , late night cups of tea wondering what the hell to do next and the " OMG !..what the hell have I just done " moments . 

  Remember the childhood story written by Hans Christian Anderson about the ugly duckling and how it was once laughed at by others ? ....

  Well , why not be just like that Swan in the story and show everyone  just what an amazing brilliant beautiful person had been hidden away under the all too dark stormy clouds of domestic abuse . Why not take back the control of your own life , spread those perfect wings and then just take flight !!

  Seriously if you've not been one of the lucky ones like myself and many others then I fully suggest it as a consideration , life can be a tough enough battle sometimes without having to carry the burden of domestic abuse along with it . All those various groups and social media sites out there will act as the prefect safety net ready to catch you if you think your going to fall and they certainly wont ever judge or critize any mistakes made along the way .

  Why not make it your mission not- so -impossible to break away from what ever it may be that you feel is holding you back in life !!!!!!!!










Tuesday, January 23, 2024

More questions than answers .


Why do domestic abusers feel the need to do what they do ?....

  This is a question I've often sat down and given a lot of thought to and I think we all know the answer. 
 No, I can honestly say that I'm fairly positive its not a case of just being a miss-understood joke and the same goes for the abuser just feeling like it at the time because their always like it .
   The answer basically boils down to learnt behaviour be it from a parent , a grandparent,  an aunt , an uncle , an older sibling, or another major person in their life  .
  If the abuser spends all their growing up early years being witness to violence or intimidation, then in their mind it's a perfectly normal way to live , they think it's all fully excepable behavour and those that don't act that way surely must be the odd ones out in life .

    Domestic abusers all seem to come across as being privileged or fully entitled , they don't seem to comprehend that just because they may see something and want it , it doesn't mean to say that they can actually have it .
   Their problem of not getting what they want  when they want then becomes your problem because that's when the temper tantrums can start . When they were young it was all about them chucking themselves on the floor and the kicking and screaming would happen untill they got their own way , as they grew older and it all gets a little bit embarrassing to do the terrible 2 year old  toddler thing they then upgrade everything to verble , mental or even physical abuse .

   Do domestic abusers do what they do intentionally or on purpose ?....🤔

  Yes of course they do , it's all about having the ultimate power in their eyes and they don't seem to care who suffers in order for that to happen .

Could the abuser have some sort of disorder ?....🤔

Possibly in extreme rare cases but the end result is similar. The abuser gets a sort of high watching someone else being in a certain degree of pain be it physical or emotional. 

 Could the abuser have grown up being abused themselves ?....🤔

Again possibly , but then would that not be another form of learnt behavour .

Does the abuser have some sort of control issues ?....🤔
Trying to control someone's everyday actions through bullying or intimidation in my mind is still domestic abuse because I once lived through 28 years of it .
Granted the above questions could work as great excuses but to those that have either lived through it or are still struggling with it none of them are really good enough .
  I've yet to have a good enough reason given to me as to why its perfectly exceptional for one person to make a fellow persons life so terribly uncomfortable that the first person feels the need to end their life in some cases .

 Psychologist's , therapists and Councillor's can all sit with a domestic abuser trying to work out the reasons for their clients actions but would the abuser actually agree with their findings ?.....🤔

   No, I don't think so either because that would mean the abuser would then have to admit that they were wrong and that's something they will never do . 

  Can a domestic abuser ever change their ways ?......🤔

  It's been known to happen , but the abuser has to desperately want it happen in the first place and they need to have some understanding about why they need to change . 

  Domestic abusers are hard to work out at the best of times , there never really seems to be any rhyme or reason why they feel the need to do what they do to others.  
  Just because they have their own individual problems with trust , feeling insecure and feelings of jealousy it doesn't explain why they think it's OK to hurt another person .

  The abused victim learns to  deal with the abuse given  in many variouse ways . They will make numerous excuses  , stay quite if pressured for answers and go out of their way to try to keep the peace for as long as possible. 
  What makes a victim stay with their abuser ?....🤔

 There's endless reasons but it's basically down to believing your everything your told you must be .
 Having your confidence and self estemm drained , believing that your friends and family won't want to know you anymore and you start to believe that you can't survive without your abuser. 
   If all of the above were true then those of us who have escaped from our abusers wouldn't be around today trying to encourage others to make the same decision they once made . 

 Domestic abuse is a mysterious, complicated, and nonsensical subject . Common sense tells you to avoid anyone that could cause you any form of pain or discomfort but unfortunatly it can all become overridden by the heart .
  I've spent several years trying to delve into the darkness of an abusers mind but its full of illogical thoughts and actions . 
 I can't work out why a fully grown mature adult would possibly want to act like their throwing their dummy out of their pram because they can't get their own way and then when it's offered back they have to attempt to bite the hand that offers it back . 
   Everyone likes life going their way at some point but it's how you go about it that really counts .

 Even after writting all of this I'm still non the wiser as to what makes it alright to treat a fellow decent human being like a worthless possession , how can you possibly declare undying love to someone in one breath and then beat them till they fall down the next ?....🤔

   The answers I think I've found then lead to even more questions to ask which then only makes things even more complicated than it all was in the first place .
  One question I can most deffinatly 100% answer without any doubt is , is there a future after domestic abuse ?....🤔

      If there wasn't, then I would not be now leading a  happy , contented life and certainly would not be trying to reach out and offer help  to others . 







Have no regrets.

       Domestic abuse is just like walking in a mine field ,  you never  know exacly when the next explosion could happen and it's alway...