Why start and why continue ?

 

My domestic abuse story first started in 1986 and it continued for an unbelievable 28 years !

Just like the trees in the photo above ( photo taken by myself ) the domestic abuse started small just like a seed but it eventually grew into epic proportions untill it become almost too big to deal with .

During that time I delt with what seemed like endless emotional abuse , financial abuse , basically rape ( I may of agreed to it but only after being intimidated into it ) .

 None of the above was particularly pleasant ( she says using classic British sarcasm ) and no it wasn't obvious what my life was going to be like when the relationship first started and it took a good couple of years for that seed of abuse to firmly take root and grow  .

  I've already explained a couple of times now at of why I felt that I needed to put all my memories and thoughts about what had happened down somewhere and yes its been a fantastic way to process all those past events whilst giving myself some very much needed therapy at the same tine , at the start it was all for purely selfish reasons and its certainly helped put a few ghosts to bed along the way . 

   I never really realised just how many people out there who have been through similar or even worse untill I joined up with Twitter , Facebook , Quora , Instagram,  X ( was Twitter ) and Threads , this then gave me the crazy notion of maybe keep going with these posts so that others could see you can survive abuse and you dont have to be all alone .

 

  I'm a bit of a Frank Sinatra/Ratpack fan and hanging on one of my walls is this......

It sums up exactly how I live my life now ......my way !!

My life now isn't always perfect ( who can honestly say theirs is ?) but it's all now lived under my rules and no one else's . 

If you read that little profile thing at the side that explains about who I am , you will see that I'm as much in control of my own life as I possibility can be and I am now a eternal annoying optimist . No one will ever control the way I live my life again .

 

 Now I'm about to ask anyone out there who may read this for a massive favour .... I need your help . 

I need followers , I need others to help spread the word about how you can go forward after domestic abuse ,  I need others to help show how much stronger you can become afterwards  . 

Between us all we can show others that they are not and never will be alone .

Those who have been there will know exactly how dark , lonely and oppressive it can all feel whilst being abused and that's why it's really important for us survivors to stick together and shout out loud about our various abuse so it then can encourage others who are still going through it to see how wrong it all is and that life can become great again .

 The only way to beat those total waste of space evil abusers is to outnumber them , bullies are nothing but groveling pathetic little cowards really when someone or something bigger comes along and together we can be that something bigger .

  

 As a mass group from all over the world we can all help slowly send all the abusers back under the slimy little grotty rocks they originally came from , together we can reach out and help guide those that may need it . 

 You should never be afraid of a domestic abuser but the abusers should be afraid of us survivors !!

I have never and will never treat someone else the way I was once treated , I was raised to have respect for others and to treat other people how I wish to be treated myself , I'd like to think I have taught my children the same good manners I was once taught and they in turn will pass it all on . 

Its a massive shame that all the abusers out there were obviously not given the same lessons in life or else they wouldn't be way they are . 

You are not born with with the ability to abuse someone , it's all learnt from someone else and the pathetic excuses of " I cant help it , its just the way I am" or " you made me do it " are just proves that they were allowed to get away with it growing up and never taught to take responsibility for their own actions . 

There is and never will be a good enough excuse or reason for those that abuse someone else , there is only one person doing it all and thats the abuser , no one else is raising their hand in order to strike out at someone and no one else is forcing them to do things like  they do to others .

Thankgully not all abusers children turn out just like them but unfortunatly some do and so it goes on and it will keep going on untill we start educating others about how wrong it all is .

Some will listern and some won't but those that do hear will inform others along the way . 

  One day eventually before the sun finally burns itself out I hope that everyone will live non abusive life's and the world becomes a much better place but unfortunatly I doubt very much it will ever happen in my lifetime .

 So untill that day gets here I will continue being grateful for ever setting sun I see and I'll look forward to the next brand new day with excited anticipation never knowing what surprises it may bring .

 ( photo used below from my own collection taken by myself ) 

Money , money , money.

 

  

 Money , we all want it , most work hard for it but sometimes just sometimes your not allowed to keep it ......

Living with a narcissist can be like living with your own private and personal Mr Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol . 

What's yours is theirs but what's theirs is their own , they don't seem to have the ability to know how to give or to share they just only seen to know how to keep eveything ( even if they don't really want it ) .

 Now back to Mr Scrooge.... he was once a very greedy , sad and I think lonely man and getting more was never quite enough for him , he didn't care that others were going without or suffering , he didn't care about anyone else but his own self , but then late one Christmas eve he got lucky and he had a second chance given to him by his 3 very special visitors who each taught him various valuable life lessons .

When he woke up on Christmas morning he then begun to try to change his ways for the better and he started to give as well as to recieve . 

  

   

   I remember all to well not having any control over any money that came in or out , for a lot of years . I wasn't allowed to have a job let alone my own bank account . I made do with a tiny amount given in the form of Child Benifits payments ( even that took a lot of arguments to be able to keep ) . I was told on a regular basis that we were really poor and hadn't got enough money but strangly enough nice new computers , PlayStations , cars and even bigger than before televisions would suddenly appear as if by magic ( all things brought and apparently very much needed by my ex of course ) .

  Domestic abusers or Narcissists love nothing more than to control all things and money is just one of the many ways they try to do it  , they will use it to take advantage of someone or as emotional blackmail their not bothered just as long as it gets the end result that they are after .

They all seem to love watching others beg , plead or even grovel even if it's only for just a couple of pound thats needed , they will give that look of " consider yourself extremely lucky  " as they hand it over reluctantly and then remind you a few days later you still owe them for that bottle of milk or loaf of bread you brought the other day in order so you could make them their coffee or toast 🤔 .

  

      

      

Nowadays I'm in reasonably good control of my own funds , nobody tells me what I can and can't do with it ( apart from the bank obviously ) and if I decide I want to waste my own well earnt money and buy a lovely pair of high heeled  black leather thigh high boots and a bright pink Tutu to wear then I bloody well will !!!!!

I now count myself extremly lucky I don't and never have had expensive taste , I appreciate everything no matter how small it might be that I have in my life , personally I don't think domestic abusers or narcissists have the same thinking or ability, they see it and they just want it regardless of what it takes to get it and then when they do finally get it and the novelty wears off they don't want it anymore and then want something else instead  .... Crazy isn't it but that's the kind of world they live in . 

 Its another really excellent reason why I had to end my 28yr  bad existence of domestic abuse a few years ago along with numerous other reasons , and If I can totally supprise myself and take back my own slightly warped quite often scatty life then so can anyone else . 

 I'm no longer like the character Bob Cratchit in someone elses Christmas Carol and I've sent my now ex version of Ebenezer Scrooge  to go and live in someone elses story (apologies to who ever has to tolerate him next ) . 

I think it's going to take a lot more than three slightly spooky ghosts to change his warped and twisted ways ( his still doing his controling to others thing and still blaming everyone else ) , 

 I'm now writting my story of domestic abuse for all to read and I get to decide how it continues and how it ends , those that read it can decide who the villain is and who the hero could be because it all depends on how you look at things . 

Life is all about making up your own mind about things and that's exactly the same opportunity I'm giving anyone who decide to read any of my posts . 

 I don't want anyone's pity let alone get any 

sympathy but what I do want is the understanding that domestic abuse can happen to absolutly anyone and if you think it could be happening to someone you know then just be ready to be there when they really need it .

I still don't have an awful lot of money to my name but at least what I do have now is all my own , I now no longer have to feel like I'm being held to ransom if I ask to borrow anything and no longer am I being pressured and intimidated into having sex just because I couldn't pay back the money I asked for in order to but the bread to make his stupid sandwich . 

  

Now I'm living my own story and my days I've decided should  always end with a golden sunset  !!

( photo used below from my own collection ) .

   

       

     

   

Trust.

 

Trust may only be a small five letter word but it's one of the biggest things you will ever have to do in your life .....

From the very moment you are born you will need to put your trust in other people , the nurses or doctors that help you take your first breath and your parents for the decisions they take to raise you .  

  You need to trust your teachers to help provide you with the right education to see you through life that then this in turn leads you to having to trust your future Boss and work colleagues , the list of people you need to trust in life just goes on and on .

 Then you'd like to think that whoever you decided to settle down and spend your future with would trust you just as much as you trust them but unfortunatly this isn't always the case , You may trust them but they may not necessarily always share the same level of trust back and this is where some problems can lay. 

Domestic abusers have a major serious lack of trust with anything , everyone and anyone and especially with the person they are with at the time and the same person who they are supposed to care about . 

Because of their total and complete lack of trust you could find yourself not able to do some of the more normal everyday things in life . 

  Personally I wasn't allowed to have a bank account , work or spend too long doing anything else that didn't invole putting my now ex at the centre of my attention and because I simply wasnt trusted I therefore wasnt allowed to do anything , go anywhere or speak to anyone ( especially not the opposite sex ) . 

Even just taking a quick five minute trip to the local supermarket for a loaf of bread or a top up of more milk had to be done with full military persission timing or else I could fully expect my phone to ring and I could find myself either having to put my camera on to prove where I was or hold my phone in the air so the background noises could be heard (  with no thought given on how daft I might of looked at the time ) .

You naturally want to trust who you are with not to hurt or harm you in any way but that trust can get slowly and painfully broken down once the abuse starts , it can creep up on you unexpectedly just when you least expect it and then slowly it all begins to take-over your entire being , if you some how manage to escape from your abusers web a valuable part of your jigsaw puzzle in life then becomes lost and its that special little piece you need called trust .

  It may only be a small piece but it's crucial part and it's really difficult to live life without it , it's not untill you stop to think about it that you realise just how many people and things you need to put your trust in during one single day .

Can you genuinely hold your hand up high and declare , yes I have the capability to put my trust in someone else !!!! ?......

 I might of taken me a brief spell to get there while but yes I can say I have my lost trust back , I still rely a lot on my intuition about some people but as a rule its never really let me down . 

If I'm unsure about someone then I always try to give them a fair chance  , some become life long trusted friends and some are just left to annoy someone else in a differentplace preferably .

Those that become friends are just like a true diamond , they are very rare but incredibly valuable and I certainly wouldn't be where I am without them ( they know who they are and that I will never be able to thank them enough ) .

 

 

Then you have to make that massive big decision of can you ever trust someone else in your life again ?....

 No one else can make that decision for you but yourself , yes you can simply just wrap yourself up in a form of bubble wrap to protect yourself for the rest of your life never trusting anyone ever again or you can take a great big deep breath , take the lesp and try again to find the missing piece of your puzzle with someone else , if your lucky the trust you once lost will be easey to get re-found once again and life can then just continue in its own sweet contented little way .

Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't and sometimes you may need to just keep on trying with it but you will never know untill you give it a go and put your trust out there with someone . You may need to start your entire jigsaw puzzle all over again but it can and will be all worth it in the end and the end result could be a great improvement on the last picture you were trying to create . 

Piece by piece start slowly putting it all thse pieces back together again  making sure you are totally happy that each and every bit fits exactly way you want it to be  , Never try to rush it and just always take your time , it's your future your building so why not make it a good one 😊 .

It's your own personal jigsaw so why not design it your own unique way and in your own time , you get to choose what's in the end result so don't waste your time on anything fake and slways use the real pieces that fit .

  Always believe that one day you will find all those valuable missing pieces and that jigsaw will finally get completed ,  maybe not as fast as you may like it but it will and can  happen and your life will start to begin feeling complete too .

                     

  I was lucky and found my missing piece 😊

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Male Domestic Abuse.

Search for domestic abuse online and what do you get ? You'll find some great advice and amazing helpful groups to ring and loads of information for women ......

  But what about the guys out there dont they need help too ?  Why don't they get the same sort of support as the women ?...

 Granted yes it is out there but it's not always that easy to find and unfortunately it's not so easy for them to talk about it . 

Isn't male abuse exactly the same as female abuse ?......

Unfortunately not in all cases , the abuse may be  similar but the aftercare isn't always .

Male domestic abuse is an even bigger elephant in the room that female abuse and that's just not good enough . All abuse victims should be treated in exactly the same regardless of who you are . 

The group above called Mankind are based in England and I'm fairly sure other countries will have similar versions of their own ,  I know of the amazing work of this group because I've met some people that they have successfully helped .

 Surviving abuse is a tough enough road to travel on at the best of times but for the men out there it must be an even tougher journey .  

  The police certainly don't always want to take it as seriously and if there's children envolved in the relationship the mother still automatically gets to keep them even if it's her that was the abuser in the first place and with no questions asked ( wrong on so many variouse levels if you ask me ) . In order to win custody of any children involved has to endure many years of fighting , prove he can be a good hard working father , have a possible police check to make sure he has a clean police record and then have variouse questions given to him in order to prove he  can do the job proberly . 

 What checks or questions does the mother get ?......

Nothing . 

She is automatically awarded care of the children without having any tests or checks even if she is known to be the domestic abuser .

 Meanwhile the poor father is just left

having to just except it and see his children when and if its allowed , how can all that be fair to the father ?....

Your right it isn't fair and he will be wondering why the system is so one sided. 

If a domestic abusive relationship the police end it getting called who do you think they will question first ?.....

  Yes in the real life both parties should be treated equally but that isn't always the case plus it depends on just how good an actress the woman can be .

 If the police are called and the women declared she was physically attacked the  father would have been arrested almost straight away and put in a police cell ( fair enough ) but when he finally gets a chance to talk about his side do you honestly think he will be believed  ?......

Unfortunately I doubt it very much too .

Now turn it around , if the man had rung and said he'd been physically attacked by the woman would the woman be arrested straight away or would the police question it further before they do ( especially if there's a lack of evidence or witnesses)  , is this fair treatment ? ........ 

No not even close to it  !!!!!!

   This is something I personally feel really strongly about because men and women should have identical treatment , support and aftercare but in a lot of cases it doesn't happen . There's not nearly enough refuges for men and even then I know of examples of where the aftercare has been virtually non-existent  . 

Again this is not good enough !

   If you are male and are or have suffered from domestic abuse please just keep going , the few groups out there that can help you will do as much as they possibly can to support you . 

Everything I write is meant for all and yes of course it includes the boys out there , why would I exclude them ?  , they need exactly the same help as anyone else .  

The blog email that can be found in my profile is for all , male or female and I will exactly the same confidentiality to all , Its there in case anyone feels the need to reach out for support ( I may not have the answers but I will listern ) .

  

I once unfortunately had to leave a domestic abuse Facebook group because they made the ridiculous decision they were going to become ladies only , I asked why and their answer was simply because abusers were finding and contacting their victims through it........excuse me but shouldn't they have sorted out their privacy settings first rather than automatically assume all the abusers had to be male !!!!!

Yep as you've guessed I was totally and utterly gobsmacked with the answer and promptly left following them and I kindly informed them just how ridiculous their excuse was , I know there was a few gentlemen that were brave enough to use it so why on earth exclude them ? .....

This is a perfect example of how totally and completely unfair it is for any male that's being abused  and how disgusting it is to instantly blame them for what could be going on at home . Trying to find an image stating that abuse towards men needs to stop was virtually impossible ( which in itself is outrageous) so I decided there needed to be one and here it is , please feel free to share it , screenshot it and use it if needed ( it's made by me so full permission given to do as you like with it ) .

  

Wake up !!!! It doesn't matter if your male  female , gay , straight or even Alien domestic abuse is exactly the same thing and everyone should be treated the same way .

Everything I have ever posted on here , facebook , Instagram , Threads , X ( was Twitter ) and Quora are meant for all , I will never instantly condem or judge others .

Please find below the contact details for the English group Mankind . ( many apologies to other countries ) . They will listern and help and most importantly they will not automatically blame or accuse . 

 

  

Letter to self aged 19 .

 

Wished I had read this letter to myself all those years ago before I met my now ex abuser....

Dear polskie , 

         I am you in the future and at this particular period of time in your life you are a happy go lucky reasonably content young lady without many cares in the big wide

world.Your having great fun being nineteen,going out with friends ,visiting various nightclubs and enjoying meeting new people.You will have a great future to look forward to and yes I agree giving up smoking will be a fantastic idea and maybe reconsider the not so bright plan to dye your hair blue ( it will cost a fortune to correct if you do ).

The friends you make now will be your long term ones and they will always be there in the background when you really need them so look after them all well and they will never let you down . 

You wll have a few serious and major decisions to make as you get older,some easy and some not so easy but all should have good final end results, always try to believe in yourself and good things will follow.Never regret any decision you make along the way because they are all a learning curve towards your future , try really hard to believe in each and everyone one you make because if you don't no one else will either .

Good news... your future children will inherit your outlook on life so raise them well and they will be great in everything they try to achieve. Remember to teach them all the good old fashion manners you were once taught by your mother and instal in them that in order to get any respect in life first you should earn it and second you should deserve it.

  When you get to around the age of 50 there may be a few little unexpected surprises coming your way(nothing bad and all good ) You will totally shock yourself by gained more than twice the amount of exams that you have just received from school and you will discover you are slightly more intelligent than you actually think that you are ( yes even with dyslexia).

 Work wise you will do many variouse jobs along the way and some will be better than others but all of these will give you some great life experiences so enjoy them and always try to work hard at whatever you decide to do.

 As the years go by you will have to face a few unpleasant events and you will need to learn from them ,yes you will make your mistakes along the way but you just need to just keep on going forward because it will all be worth it in the end .

 

 Now comes the warning.... 

Please think twice when your choosing who to date and plan your long term future with care. All may not be what it seems at first.You may meet someone along the way that tells you loads of dramatically sad storys about their past,be really careful here because you may not be told the complete truth about everything .listern to your intuition and if in doubt just don't go there. 

 If you still end up going in the same direction I once went then don't wait till its almost too late to do anything about it, make that all important life changing decision earlier . Don't ever believe your not worth it or not needed to anyone , you may get told you are many unpleasant nasty things but it's all not true and never try to change who you are just because someone else thinks that you should

 . 

Keep being true to yourself and always remain the same optimistic person you have always been , even that little stubborn streak in you will get used to good effect when it's really needed .

Never forget the wise words once given to you by your grandfather that" Good manners can carry you anywhere " and continue trying to make him proud of you even after he says his final last goodbye.

 Be patient in your life and wait because one day that right person will come along eventually and they will fit perfectly into your jigsaw of life,this may come as a little bit of an unexpected surprise but it will deffinatly be worth the wait so never stop believing it can eventually happen so keep that special night light burning .

 Always believe in your dreams at night because some are giving you a hint of what the future may hold , if your asked to make a promise during one of them then dont hesitate to mean it when you make it because that one single promise could be the key to opening a brand new exciting door in your future .

 You may find yourself one day deciding to tell the world about your life story so take care when writing it ,always remain honest and genuine doing it because it will have the possibility of helping many other people along the way.Never be afraid of meeting challenges as you go because those that may read it could have some of their own to fight too and you can prove that you should never say never . Write with meaning , truth and above all else honesty at all times . 

Always keep that unique sense of humour you have inherited because there will be times when it will be the only thing that will help keep you sane, a smile costs nothing so try sharing yours around .Try to make your days have as much laughter in it as possible because life is too short not to enjoy it. 

 Yes you will get the odd sad day but always remember that tomorrow is a brand new day and it can be outstanding. 

     

Enjoy the life you live .

          Your  future self x   

      

  

      

 

 

Reference's and reviews .

 

Don't you think sometimes we should all be able to get references and reviews from the exs of the person your interested in ?.....

 Just imagine the sort of stuff that could be written about a domestic abuser or  narcissist when it comes to a review 🤔 My exs reference would say something along the lines of ...

  Faulty goods , avoid using if possible .

  Do not use without wearing appropriate safety equipment . 

 Has a tenancy to malfunction on random occasions .

 Been known to contain toxic waste .

Contains a government heath warning .

Potential fire hazard with a tendency to create harmful sparks . 

First aid may be required if used  .

 ⭐️  0 stars given .

Seriously though ,  yes we may have Claires Law over here in England where people can be checked out ( for a more detailed explanation about it I suggest looking it up ) but some can and do still unfortunaty slip through the net and they find their next victim and ironically some abusers even use it to their own advantage and then have the nerve to act the injured party after it all goes wrong . 

Abusers and Narcissists in some cases could win numerous endless best actor Oscars for their " who me ? , Never !!!   , I didnt do it " performance but those of us who had the joy of dealing with one of them of course know them much much better . Just like an expert burglar abusers will never get caught in action , they will wait untill the coast is all clear to then commit their crime  , how can they possibly play the innocent party if they get caught in the act ?...

  Just imagine if you knew exactly what they were really like before you got together with them , would you have still have gone there ?....  

No , neither would I ( in fact I would have run in the opposite direction of far far away ) .

  

Maybe we could do them the equivalent of a school report card , with various grades on their abilities 🤔 .

 Personally no I don't think my now ex would do very well at all with any of it and there would be an awful lot of " could do better " on it . 

If someone warned you in advance about what that person was really like would you really of listened to them ?  Or would you fall for the oldest trick in the book and believe all their lies and excuses ?.....

 Yes of course I would listern and then because I believe there normally two sides to every story I'd give that person a fair chance to prove what I had heard was wrong , I'd also trust my intuition and any sign of it trying to tell me something didn't seem right then leave before it even started .

 Like I said domestic abusers are the greatest of all actors they can pretend to be absolutely anyone they choose to be when others are watching , they become chameleon like and they can turn on the tears like a tap instantly , they can manage to become Godzilla faster than Superman can fly . 

One minute they are the clown trying to make you laugh and the next they can become Frankinstiens monster trying to scare you as soon as no-one is looking  . 

 

  Maybe abusers should have a 3 strikes and your out clause attached  . Life could be such a better place and so much easier if they all wore markers don't you think ? Or maybe little labels stating please proceed with caution .  

One thing I have done and will contue to do is try to make contact my exes latest victim once they separate , I simply wait and when his been dumped yet again because of his controling behavour I then introduce myself ( as they have bound to have hear all about me and various terrible stories ) and simply say " I know exactly what you have just been through and I'm here if you need to talk to someone " .

If they don't want to talk then that's fine and I'll leave them alone untill their ready but if they change their mind then I'm always available when or if they need it .

 Yes it could lead to all sort of possible problems but so far it's all worked out just fine and I'll keep on doing it 😊 , in fact its been quite an enjoyable experience exchanging comparisons and swapping funny stories .

It's not perhaps something I would highly recommend just anyone try to do but its working for me and in my defence I'm not afraid anymore of what my ex could say or do if ever he discovered what I was up to , like I said before I'm a considerabley stronger person than I was back then .

  So if your about to start in a potentially brand new relationship may I suggest you proceed with a certain degree of caution , there's a really good chance the new model could be in absolute full working order but if just on the off chance you pick up a slightly defective one then please don't even attempt to continue using .

 If in any doubt why not do a little bit of homework , ask casual questions around and see what reviews you get . If the reviews are all good then you should have nothing to worry about but if there's anything negative then listern to it and make a wise decision .

 

How would I feel if someone was asking questions about me ?...

 If I'm honest I think I might take it as a bit of compliment ( and that's something I'm not particularly good at ) . If their asking then their curious and if their curious that means their possibly interested 🤔 .

If you feel something doesn't feel quiet right about a possible new person then why not follow those natural instincts and.......

 

Happy places .

 

Everyone has their own unique happy place,  it's a place they can feel at their most relaxed , at ease and totally chilled .......

Mine just in case no-one has worked it out yet is anywhere that's outside , no preferences its just simply being somewhere outside and I don't think I could ever do an office type of job or anything that keeps me locked up inside for too long .This old Hippy just simply loves being outdoors somewhere , it can be the garden , the lakeside , the coast or even just sitting at a bus stop , I simply just don't care all I do care about is that I'm outside breathing reasonably decent good fresh air .

Outside is my all time favourite happy place and doing the garden is my way of expressing myself and relaxing ( both flowers in the pictures are from my own garden ) . It helps clear away the cobwebs of thoughts in my mind  , it chills me out and above all else everything I do there is all my own work without any one else trying to control how I do things ( not perfect but then I guess neither am I 😊 ) .

  There was a time a few years ago when giving even a tiny once of my attention to someone or something else was deeply frowned upon , domestic abusers hate it when they are not the centre of your attention and will try their very best to keep you caged up and hidden away from other people or any other influences to keep you all to themselfs , they want and need  you to stop doing what you were doing  and put them at number one on your need to do list .

 

Finding your own special unique happy place is about the only thing that will keep you relatively sane sometimes , it can be your bolt hole where you feel the need to escape when things get too bad or you just simply need to recharge your inner self  .

  It can be where ever you want it to be just as long as it helps clear your head from all the fuzzy stuff that could be in there and it gives you in return that tiny bit of much valued you time away from the background of domestic abuse that can go on . 

If you don't have a garden then why not try just going for a walk somewhere , walk the dog , the cat or even the hamster , read a great book or put some good music on ( I used to sit with my earphones on not playing any music because he thought if I couldn't hear him  then there was no point in him saying anything to me 😆 ) .

 Finding your happy place is just the start and after finding it then the self therapy can begin to happen , it doesn't matter where or how you find it because it's all down to individual choice but I fully recommend everyone finds their own at some point . 

Each and every single person should have their own special happy place or me time area , it could be like me just sitting in the garden having a good cuppa or even just taking that early morning walk to work . It's amazing how much clearer thinking can be done once you have spent some time doing your own special thing just purely for yourself .

  

Do domestic abusers have their own forms of a happy place ?....

I really honestly don't know the answer to this question , are they happy and content enough in their own skin to want to spend time alone or do they always have to crave the attention of others again I don't know what or if they feel anything because they seem to keep that part of themselves all locked away in a big secret place hidden from everyone else where no one else can see it .

 That then leads to yet another really good question about do abusers actually have any real feelings or emotions ?....  

Well they are very good at playing the heart broken unloved person but is it all for real and do they really mean it ?......

   They seem to be very expert in knowing exactly how to hurt and offend others but do they know how to really show love or to actually care for someone ?.... 

If they do generally care then why do they feel the need to do what they do to others ?....

  So many questions and not nearly enough answers .

 

 Even if (and its a big if ) abusers did have a version of their own happy place I wonder where it could possibly be ?.... 

I don't think my ex actually ever had one but I could be wrong ( unless of course you count sat in front of the television watching football and shouting at it if his side were losing ) . 

I think perhaps there is far too much negativity involved in an abusers world to actually find a happy place  , yes there was laughter occasionly back then for me with my now ex but it only seemed to happen when it meant causing some sort of major embarrassment to others . 

I don't think it was ever really understood how I could just sit there in the garden not doing anything . No I wasn't being lazy as I was regularly told I was , I was just so relaxed that I didn't feel the need to be doing anything at all in order to get all stressed out about . 

 I still do it even now and and it still has absolutely the same very successful results 😊 .

 Find your special happy place today , enjoy it and own it !!!!!

 

Whats in your glass ?

 What kind of person are you in life , is your glass half full or half empty ?........ 

 Personally I couldn't agree more with the above statement in the first picture because no it doesn't really matter how full your glass is or isn't but what does matter is how you deal with it that counts . It's how you decide to refill your glass that's the important thing in life , yes you could just sit and wait for it to do it all by its self ( which has a good possibility of not happening ) or you could just decide to do it all for yourself . You all know by now I'm at my happiest being somewhere outside and that's exactly how I refill my glass , I take a walk or just sit down somewhere and I simply just look all around me taking in all that I can see . 

  Good example was whilst fishing one day and I was sat drinking a cup of tea watching a brown rat dashing around along the riverbank trying to find any small scraps of things to feed her little ones with ( briefly saw them at one point too ) . Now a lot of people would say " what a disgusting dirty disease ridden rat ! " and try to chase it away but what I saw was an another living creature just simply trying to survive life and feed her children  . Mrs Jangles the rat was doing a most excellent job in making sure her babies were well fed and she wasn't bothering anyone else so I left her to do what she was doing and enjoyed watching her darting around , granted maybe not everyone's idea of a great day but it certainly helped refill my glass perfectly and all thanks to Mrs Jangles the brown rat .

 

  Having been through my own 28 years of Domestic abuse and surviving it I can fully understand the need by some to do the glass half empty thing , How could you possibly want to be positive when your days are a never ending game of dodging someone else's spiteful words or heavy hitting fists  potentially coming your way  ? 

 Life is never meant to be easy being with an abuser , you lose all of your time , space and reality or at least  your normal logical thinking anyway  . All they seem to dobis absorb all of your positivity and spit out nothing but poisonous vile venom in return , they have to be the most negative thinking kind of people who live on this earth BIG time !!

 Now this has to be possibly the slightly better way to view things I think  , if ever your glass feels half empty then why not just simply fill it back up again but unfortunatly it doesn't always seem to work out that way ( if only things where all that easy ) , if your being domestically abused by someome you don't always  have that inner strength to keep doing those silly little  things like filling up that silly glass and you certainly don't see the point in doing it either . 

When you've been through abuse sometimes you don't even want to live for that day let alone do anything else .

Personally I now try to keep my glass perminatly full to the top ( or at least as full as I possibly can anyway ) because I feel I've wasted far too many years with it bring  half empty due to having someone else trying to slowly drain away the whole  entire thing for me . 

   Not only is my glass now perminatly full to the brim  I am also definitely now the very proud owner of my very own unique glorious glistening cut- glass goblet !!!!!!

 

 There's only one person that can keep that glass at a maximum level and that's yourself , it's all about smiling and laughing at what ever comes your way,  never allowing those heavy dark days to overpower you too much .

 You may not be able to fix all the major issues going on in your life so try not to over complicate life ,  sometimes just sometimes you don't need to pull your hair out in frustration about everything all you have to do is to stop , count to ten and then start again .  

  That stopping and counting slows down your breathing , the slower breathing calms you right down and because your calm your brain seems to work much better .

  Clearer thoughts make better decisions so try it and see the difference ,  you can't fix everything so somethings you are just better off leaving to sort itself out .

 

 One of my favourite sayings and I use it quie often is....No hurry , No Worry .

 It means exactly what it says in the tin and it works .   The photo below taken is another one of mine and it's all about seeing things from a different angle , Mrs Jangles the brown rat may not be to everyone's taste and I appreciate that but all I saw that day was this amazing little creature being busy just trying to look after her family ( sounds a bit familiar if you think about it )  , maybe if I'm really lucky I might get to meet her or her children again one day . 

 I saw the peace and beauty in Mother Nature that day and also how other people can view things differently from each other , some will see a photo of a foul rat but I see a fellow living creature just trying to make its life better , how you see the photo is exactly the same as how you see your glass .

......Please remember if any of you out there are liking these domestic abuse and positive thinking ramblings please feel free to press the follow button in order to see more ( and it will encourage me along the way too to keep on going  😊 ) .

( Mrs Jangles below )

  

 

 

 

The generation game .

 

There has always been generations of Domestic Abuse going on for years and these days people are so lucky , they can use the internet to find all the various groups and get help if its needed but.........

Women were once expected to be seen and not heard , they had to be good well behaved wives that made sure the home was spotless , the children well looked after and dinner was always on the table when the man of the house walked the door after work was finished , they were never expected to argue back or ever say no .

 It wasn't that long ago domestic abuse was hidden and swept away under the carpet like it didn't exist or didn't matter, no-one spoke openly about it and the abused just had to shut up , put up with it and accept it ( to a certain point all that can still go on nowadays ) .  

  Men and women would just carry on hiding what ever was going on behind closed doors where nobody else could see  . The bruises given were either very well hidden , camouflaged with heavy make up or various excuses were made as to why they were noticable but at the end of the day others still knew what they were all about and nothing was ever said. 

   

 Just imagine how intensely tough things must of been back then , not only did you have to contend with the after effects of just coming out a war and the rationing of  food but you also had to deal with the possibility getting " A damn good hiding " at any given opportunity ( this unbelievably was in some cases advice handed down through generations of family ) , I've had to watch on more than one occasion when growing up my parents arguing and I have very clear memories of my Father taking those arguments a step to far and my mother having to defend herself a couple of times . Both my parents were born around World war two time so were both brought up with this sort of approach in life of " Do as I say and not as I do " . 

 

There were no mobile phones to ring up a best mate to moan to or to come to the rescue , no refuges to excape to and no chance of the police doing an awful lot about it because it wasn't considered high enough  on their list of priorities . The man was considered the boss of the house and it was expected that others simply just did as they were told .

Back in the 50s , 60 and even 70s domestic abuse was a personal secret best kept private ( in some cases it still is even now ) ,   if you were on the off chance lucky enough to trust someone enough and speak to them they couldn't really do a great deal about it anyway because there wasnt really any good advice to turn to .  

 Thankfully we have all advanced great deal along the way and are now extremly lucky these days ,  we have so much help at hand and most importantly you will be believed when you reach out to speak out to someone .  People understand things a lot better now and slowly things are begining to change and improve , maybe not fast enough but it's getting there .

Laws are now in place out there to punish those that are proven guilty of abuse  ( still not quite as easy as it should be though ) and that's why those of us that have been abused and survived need to stand up and shout about it together.  

 It's up to the survivors to keep on telling the whole wide world about the destruction and devastation abuse can create , its hidden side effects and how the abused won't put up with it anymore .

   

 The only way to stop abusers is to take away their supply and by that I mean show the future possible victims exactly what abusers can be like so they then can do their best to avoid them them at all costs !!! .

 I never expected to find myself in a domestic abusive situation but it happened and now as a survivor of it I'm refusing to stay quite about it , why should I have to because I've done nothing wrong . I know my now ex abuser is still out there somewhere trying to control the entire world and he will of course have a different story as to why his now my ex but people who know me well enough will always know better and if someone wants to believe him then fine that's their choice but when they have had enough of him then I'll make myself known to them and offer my support if they want it ( done twice already and now they have joined in with me ) .

  Am I scared of what could happen if someone doesn't like what I'm shouting about ?........

 No never !! why should I be . 

Domestic abusers are nothing but big bullies and in turn bullies are nothing but even bigger cowards when someone bigger or tougher comes along . 

Have you not noticed that abusers only seem to go for what they think at the time is the weaker victim and that's exactly my point , they know exactly what their doing and will continue to do so untill that bigger person comes along to put them right back down where they belong .  The domestic abuse victims and survivor's of this world need to all work together to show and prove we're not afraid anymore and we won't stand for any form of abuse from anyone regardless of sex , colour or race , domestic abuse is wrong on all levels !!!!

  I now share my thoughts about domestic abuse on here , Facebook , Instagram , Threads , X ( was Twitter ) and Quora ( all should in theory lead back to here ) and on each one you will be able to see the picture below somewhere and it sort of speaks for itself  ( If you see it on one of my many different things then it's proof it's me and no-one else ) .

 If you look at my profile  you will be able to find my Blog email and its purpose is for anyone who may need it (100% confidential at all times ) , I may not have all the answers but I will be there to listen if needed .