Mystoryofdomesticabuse.de

Saturday, June 17, 2023

Happy places .

 



Everyone has their own unique happy place,  it's a place they can feel at their most relaxed , at ease and totally chilled .......

Mine just in case no-one has worked it out yet is anywhere that's outside , no preferences its just simply being somewhere outside and I don't think I could ever do an office type of job or anything that keeps me locked up inside for too long .This old Hippy just simply loves being outdoors somewhere , it can be the garden , the lakeside , the coast or even just sitting at a bus stop , I simply just don't care all I do care about is that I'm outside breathing reasonably decent good fresh air .
Outside is my all time favourite happy place and doing the garden is my way of expressing myself and relaxing ( both flowers in the pictures are from my own garden ) . It helps clear away the cobwebs of thoughts in my mind  , it chills me out and above all else everything I do there is all my own work without any one else trying to control how I do things ( not perfect but then I guess neither am I 😊 ) .
  There was a time a few years ago when giving even a tiny once of my attention to someone or something else was deeply frowned upon , domestic abusers hate it when they are not the centre of your attention and will try their very best to keep you caged up and hidden away from other people or any other influences to keep you all to themselfs , they want and need  you to stop doing what you were doing  and put them at number one on your need to do list .
 
Finding your own special unique happy place is about the only thing that will keep you relatively sane sometimes , it can be your bolt hole where you feel the need to escape when things get too bad or you just simply need to recharge your inner self  .



  It can be where ever you want it to be just as long as it helps clear your head from all the fuzzy stuff that could be in there and it gives you in return that tiny bit of much valued you time away from the background of domestic abuse that can go on . 
If you don't have a garden then why not try just going for a walk somewhere , walk the dog , the cat or even the hamster , read a great book or put some good music on ( I used to sit with my earphones on not playing any music because he thought if I couldn't hear him  then there was no point in him saying anything to me 😆 ) .
 Finding your happy place is just the start and after finding it then the self therapy can begin to happen , it doesn't matter where or how you find it because it's all down to individual choice but I fully recommend everyone finds their own at some point . 
Each and every single person should have their own special happy place or me time area , it could be like me just sitting in the garden having a good cuppa or even just taking that early morning walk to work . It's amazing how much clearer thinking can be done once you have spent some time doing your own special thing just purely for yourself .
  
Do domestic abusers have their own forms of a happy place ?....

I really honestly don't know the answer to this question , are they happy and content enough in their own skin to want to spend time alone or do they always have to crave the attention of others again I don't know what or if they feel anything because they seem to keep that part of themselves all locked away in a big secret place hidden from everyone else where no one else can see it .
 That then leads to yet another really good question about do abusers actually have any real feelings or emotions ?....  



Well they are very good at playing the heart broken unloved person but is it all for real and do they really mean it ?......

   They seem to be very expert in knowing exactly how to hurt and offend others but do they know how to really show love or to actually care for someone ?.... 
If they do generally care then why do they feel the need to do what they do to others ?....
  So many questions and not nearly enough answers .
 
 Even if (and its a big if ) abusers did have a version of their own happy place I wonder where it could possibly be ?.... 

I don't think my ex actually ever had one but I could be wrong ( unless of course you count sat in front of the television watching football and shouting at it if his side were losing ) . 
I think perhaps there is far too much negativity involved in an abusers world to actually find a happy place  , yes there was laughter occasionly back then for me with my now ex but it only seemed to happen when it meant causing some sort of major embarrassment to others . 

I don't think it was ever really understood how I could just sit there in the garden not doing anything . No I wasn't being lazy as I was regularly told I was , I was just so relaxed that I didn't feel the need to be doing anything at all in order to get all stressed out about . 
 I still do it even now and and it still has absolutely the same very successful results 😊 .

 Find your special happy place today , enjoy it and own it !!!!!
 






Wednesday, June 14, 2023

Whats in your glass ?



 What kind of person are you in life , is your glass half full or half empty ?........ 

 Personally I couldn't agree more with the above statement in the first picture because no it doesn't really matter how full your glass is or isn't but what does matter is how you deal with it that counts . It's how you decide to refill your glass that's the important thing in life , yes you could just sit and wait for it to do it all by its self ( which has a good possibility of not happening ) or you could just decide to do it all for yourself . You all know by now I'm at my happiest being somewhere outside and that's exactly how I refill my glass , I take a walk or just sit down somewhere and I simply just look all around me taking in all that I can see . 
  Good example was whilst fishing one day and I was sat drinking a cup of tea watching a brown rat dashing around along the riverbank trying to find any small scraps of things to feed her little ones with ( briefly saw them at one point too ) . Now a lot of people would say " what a disgusting dirty disease ridden rat ! " and try to chase it away but what I saw was an another living creature just simply trying to survive life and feed her children  . Mrs Jangles the rat was doing a most excellent job in making sure her babies were well fed and she wasn't bothering anyone else so I left her to do what she was doing and enjoyed watching her darting around , granted maybe not everyone's idea of a great day but it certainly helped refill my glass perfectly and all thanks to Mrs Jangles the brown rat .
 
  Having been through my own 28 years of Domestic abuse and surviving it I can fully understand the need by some to do the glass half empty thing , How could you possibly want to be positive when your days are a never ending game of dodging someone else's spiteful words or heavy hitting fists  potentially coming your way  ? 
 Life is never meant to be easy being with an abuser , you lose all of your time , space and reality or at least  your normal logical thinking anyway  . All they seem to dobis absorb all of your positivity and spit out nothing but poisonous vile venom in return , they have to be the most negative thinking kind of people who live on this earth BIG time !!



 Now this has to be possibly the slightly better way to view things I think  , if ever your glass feels half empty then why not just simply fill it back up again but unfortunatly it doesn't always seem to work out that way ( if only things where all that easy ) , if your being domestically abused by someome you don't always  have that inner strength to keep doing those silly little  things like filling up that silly glass and you certainly don't see the point in doing it either . 
When you've been through abuse sometimes you don't even want to live for that day let alone do anything else .

Personally I now try to keep my glass perminatly full to the top ( or at least as full as I possibly can anyway ) because I feel I've wasted far too many years with it bring  half empty due to having someone else trying to slowly drain away the whole  entire thing for me . 
   Not only is my glass now perminatly full to the brim  I am also definitely now the very proud owner of my very own unique glorious glistening cut- glass goblet !!!!!!
 




 There's only one person that can keep that glass at a maximum level and that's yourself , it's all about smiling and laughing at what ever comes your way,  never allowing those heavy dark days to overpower you too much .
 You may not be able to fix all the major issues going on in your life so try not to over complicate life ,  sometimes just sometimes you don't need to pull your hair out in frustration about everything all you have to do is to stop , count to ten and then start again .  
  That stopping and counting slows down your breathing , the slower breathing calms you right down and because your calm your brain seems to work much better .
  Clearer thoughts make better decisions so try it and see the difference ,  you can't fix everything so somethings you are just better off leaving to sort itself out .
 
 One of my favourite sayings and I use it quie often is....No hurry , No Worry .
 It means exactly what it says in the tin and it works .   The photo below taken is another one of mine and it's all about seeing things from a different angle , Mrs Jangles the brown rat may not be to everyone's taste and I appreciate that but all I saw that day was this amazing little creature being busy just trying to look after her family ( sounds a bit familiar if you think about it )  , maybe if I'm really lucky I might get to meet her or her children again one day . 
 I saw the peace and beauty in Mother Nature that day and also how other people can view things differently from each other , some will see a photo of a foul rat but I see a fellow living creature just trying to make its life better , how you see the photo is exactly the same as how you see your glass .


......Please remember if any of you out there are liking these domestic abuse and positive thinking ramblings please feel free to press the follow button in order to see more ( and it will encourage me along the way too to keep on going  😊 ) .

( Mrs Jangles below )





  
 


 

 

Monday, June 12, 2023

The generation game .

 



There has always been generations of Domestic Abuse going on for years and these days people are so lucky , they can use the internet to find all the various groups and get help if its needed but.........

Women were once expected to be seen and not heard , they had to be good well behaved wives that made sure the home was spotless , the children well looked after and dinner was always on the table when the man of the house walked the door after work was finished , they were never expected to argue back or ever say no .


 It wasn't that long ago domestic abuse was hidden and swept away under the carpet like it didn't exist or didn't matter, no-one spoke openly about it and the abused just had to shut up , put up with it and accept it ( to a certain point all that can still go on nowadays ) .  
  Men and women would just carry on hiding what ever was going on behind closed doors where nobody else could see  . The bruises given were either very well hidden , camouflaged with heavy make up or various excuses were made as to why they were noticable but at the end of the day others still knew what they were all about and nothing was ever said. 
   
 Just imagine how intensely tough things must of been back then , not only did you have to contend with the after effects of just coming out a war and the rationing of  food but you also had to deal with the possibility getting " A damn good hiding " at any given opportunity ( this unbelievably was in some cases advice handed down through generations of family ) , I've had to watch on more than one occasion when growing up my parents arguing and I have very clear memories of my Father taking those arguments a step to far and my mother having to defend herself a couple of times . Both my parents were born around World war two time so were both brought up with this sort of approach in life of " Do as I say and not as I do " . 
 
There were no mobile phones to ring up a best mate to moan to or to come to the rescue , no refuges to excape to and no chance of the police doing an awful lot about it because it wasn't considered high enough  on their list of priorities . The man was considered the boss of the house and it was expected that others simply just did as they were told .



Back in the 50s , 60 and even 70s domestic abuse was a personal secret best kept private ( in some cases it still is even now ) ,   if you were on the off chance lucky enough to trust someone enough and speak to them they couldn't really do a great deal about it anyway because there wasnt really any good advice to turn to .  

 Thankfully we have all advanced great deal along the way and are now extremly lucky these days ,  we have so much help at hand and most importantly you will be believed when you reach out to speak out to someone .  People understand things a lot better now and slowly things are begining to change and improve , maybe not fast enough but it's getting there .
Laws are now in place out there to punish those that are proven guilty of abuse  ( still not quite as easy as it should be though ) and that's why those of us that have been abused and survived need to stand up and shout about it together.  
 It's up to the survivors to keep on telling the whole wide world about the destruction and devastation abuse can create , its hidden side effects and how the abused won't put up with it anymore .
   
 The only way to stop abusers is to take away their supply and by that I mean show the future possible victims exactly what abusers can be like so they then can do their best to avoid them them at all costs !!! .
 I never expected to find myself in a domestic abusive situation but it happened and now as a survivor of it I'm refusing to stay quite about it , why should I have to because I've done nothing wrong . I know my now ex abuser is still out there somewhere trying to control the entire world and he will of course have a different story as to why his now my ex but people who know me well enough will always know better and if someone wants to believe him then fine that's their choice but when they have had enough of him then I'll make myself known to them and offer my support if they want it ( done twice already and now they have joined in with me ) .
  Am I scared of what could happen if someone doesn't like what I'm shouting about ?........

 No never !! why should I be . 



Domestic abusers are nothing but big bullies and in turn bullies are nothing but even bigger cowards when someone bigger or tougher comes along . 
Have you not noticed that abusers only seem to go for what they think at the time is the weaker victim and that's exactly my point , they know exactly what their doing and will continue to do so untill that bigger person comes along to put them right back down where they belong .  The domestic abuse victims and survivor's of this world need to all work together to show and prove we're not afraid anymore and we won't stand for any form of abuse from anyone regardless of sex , colour or race , domestic abuse is wrong on all levels !!!!

  I now share my thoughts about domestic abuse on here , Facebook , Instagram , Threads , X ( was Twitter ) and Quora ( all should in theory lead back to here ) and on each one you will be able to see the picture below somewhere and it sort of speaks for itself  ( If you see it on one of my many different things then it's proof it's me and no-one else ) .
 If you look at my profile  you will be able to find my Blog email and its purpose is for anyone who may need it (100% confidential at all times ) , I may not have all the answers but I will be there to listen if needed .




  



 

Sunday, June 11, 2023

Once upon a time.

 




Abusers love to tell their victims what they can and can't do , what they can or can't wear and who they can or can't talk to.......

 Once upon a time my life contained nothing but various rules and regulations and none made by myself , Is it because of their own insecurities , I don't know but whatever it is its still not very pleasant for the others person .
No idea about possible insecurities but they all seem to go through life thinking they can rule and control the entire universe . God forbid if things don't go their way and when it does happen they will then try to create their own personal version of a mini world war and they dont care who could get injured along the way ( and they don't particularly care what weapons are used either ) .
  


  
 They will throw any nearest available thing around and in some circumstances even hit out at the nearest available object or person .
  You can try to run and you can try to hide but the domestic abuser will always some how manage to find you and get you in the end .
 
   I once had an endless list of Do's and Don'ts I used to have to adhere to and I'm convinced the don't list grew even longer every day ( the do list was of course very minimal ) .
  Some of my major Don't even think about about it were............

    Don't show to much flesh .
    Don't wear to much make up .
    Don't wear boots over jeans  .
    Dont  course any embarrassment. 
    Don't wear shorts .
    Don't speak when footballs on .
    Don't speak to other men .
    Don't argue or answer back .
    Don't ever say no
    
All totally ridiculous rules of course but all had to be followed or else there would be some highly unpleasant consequences dished out in my direction .There's no logical reason why any of the above rules where so taboo ( never did find that one out ) , some I guess are to do with jealousy but others are just totally and completly silly . Who wss the most silly one , the ex for making the rules or me for following them ?......... 
Nope haven't got a clue either but I certainly know I was stupid for letting it continue for as long as it did .



I'm fairly positive there was most likely a few rules I've forgotten to mention but that's because the list of rules were ever changing and it was virtually impossible to keep up with them all ( the ones above were just scrapping of the surface ones ) . On a good day the rules could change and what I was allowed to do one day was banned on another one . Anything that could involve possible enjoyment or laughter was only allowed if it involved him , football , coffee,  him , more football and him .  
  I did occasionly get brave and rebel against the odd Don't on the list but I always knew there would be consequences for my actions . Sometimes it bothered me and sometimes I just became totally numb to it all . The punishments ranged from evil killer glares thrown in my direction to direct shouting just millimetres from my face plus vile nasty hurtful comment , intimidation and extreme long frozen silences that could go on for weeks at a time .

 


 But now there is no more monster under the bed in the form of my domestic abuser ready to get me and no more Don't list , My personsl I can now do whatever I want list has become never ending . 
 The freedom I have now is no different to anyone else's but after having survived 28 very long hard years in a domestic abusive relationship I now full appreciate every single thing I now do no matter how small or simple that may be .

 A perfect example is today , after one of those random spare of the moment ideas I can now be found sat at a lakeside fishing , it looks like its going to be one of those beautiful hot humid sunny summers days were the days feel never ending so the legs are out , the shorts are on and I now don't care who sees or what anyone says about it !!!! 
( as putting a picture on here and letting the whole wide word see my legs proves 🤣🤣🤣🤣 ) .

 


No one will ever again have the opportunity to tell me what I can or can't do , no one will ever tell me what I can or can't wear again , no one will tell me where I can or can't go and no one will ever try to control who I am again . 
These strong words now come from a much more stronger person .
 
How can this part rebellious punk end up wasting 28 years of their life being controlled by a total waste of space I hear you ask , well just like you I have absolutely no idea and that's exactly how bloody good a domestic abuser can be at doing what they do best . If I knew what I was letting myself into all those years ago I would of kindly and in not in a polite manner told him what direction he could travel in .

  No longer am I wasting any more of my valuable years , no more will I ever allow anyone to try to control my every move . 
I will now continue doing exactly what ever I want and if that is sat by a lakeside waiting to catch a nice fish , checking out the wildlife and eating freshly cooked Bacon sandwiches then so be it . 
   The photo below is one of my own and its proof of just how fantastic a free from Abuse life can be 😊 .
   










Friday, June 9, 2023

The First wake up call .

 



 I often get asked when did I first realise I was a victim of Domestic abuse ?  and this outstanding film/book is part of the answer.......

    I clearly remember watching the Oscar award winning film The Color Purple for the very first time many many years ago . I was sat completly spellbound watching as the story gradually unfolded before my eyes , I was sitting alone with my normal after dinner cup of tea and had a very unsteady hand slowly trying to drink it , I was  realising that I was just like the lead character Celie 😳 !!!! . 

All this film watching and waking up to reality was all sort of happening whilst my now abusive ex was sat in another room watching and swearing at the football and he was totally unaware about what was going on where I was concerned  ( not that he would have done very much about it even if he had by some miracle worked it all out ) . Maybe getting your wake up light bulb moment about domestic abuse from a film is a little bit unusual but I'm most deffinatly pleased it happened when it did , if it wasnt for that film or that moment my life would certainly not be as contented and as peaceful as it is now . From the moment that brilliant film began the seed of my future freedom had been planted and then that seed started to grow .

    I'm not going to ruin the complete phenomenal story line for those that haven't watched or read it yet ( but seriously suggest you do) but Celie who was an amazing character developes onto the most beautiful butterfly after being a down trodden caterpiller for years . She over comes violence and abuse , she conquers her inner demons and proves you can come out the other side reasonably in tact . It taught me that you should only do things because you want to and most deffinatly not because someone else expects you to  . In case you've not guessed it yet I fully recommend either watching it or reading it ( Audio books is a really good option too ) 😊 .

   Funny how it took just that one film to begin the slow waking up  of my thoughts about being domestically abused , I most certainly wasn't expecting it to happen and if I'm complety honest I don't  really know at the time why I was about to sit down and watch this particular film but that light bulb moment happened and and I now rewatch it , read it or listern to it at any given opportunity just to help remind myself of just how encredibly really lucky I am today.



My life may not be one hundred percent perfect now ( whose is ?) but I now take full responsibility for it , if I mess up with something then I learn from it and try again . It's all thanks to Celie that I'm now writting on here , facebook ,Instagram , Threads , X ( was Twitter ) and Quora and without watching her regain her inner strengh none of this would be happening today . If I'm honest I'm not too sure I could see my future when I was with my ex , if my life at the time was practically none existent back then I dread to think what I would have ended up doing to take all the darkness away  ( still scares me a bit thinking about the possibilities even now ) . 

The urge or need to shed a tear or cheer at the end isn't quite as strong it used to be ( its still been known to happen occasionally when I least expect it and no-ones looking ) but I shall always have a massive amount of enormous respect and gratitude for the actors involved , how well the screenplay was written and how excellently they portrayed the characters they played so expertly ( Oscars fully deserved in all cases ) .  The film obviously isn't just about Celie and her overcoming the darkness in  her life but that's the part in it that hit me with a lightning bolt that evening whilst I was watching it .

 Granted It did take me a few more years after first watching it to finally do something construtive about the abuse I was receiving at the time but I'll never forget the first time I watched it , the thoughts it gave me and the seed of reality it planted in my mind . That seed may of lay dormant for a while but it began to slowly grow over time trying to  reach for the sunlight and as it grew I became stronger too , my self belief and confidence began to return , then one day with much supprise to my now ex I had my wake up light bulb moment and took the control of my life back . 



 Funny isn't it what or who can change your outlook and views on life , it can something you hear , someone you see or even just like in my case watching a film .  Would it have rung any bells for me if I wasn't in the abusive situation I was in at the time I don't know but what I do know is that without that sudden moment of deciding to sit down to watch it I might still be having my entire soul absorbed by someone else's greedy wants or needs and the life I'm now living would never exist ( that's another scary thought ) . 

  Have you had your wake up call yet and if yes what was it ? If you haven't and your reading all of this then I promise it will happen for you eventually , sometimes it can take a while but all domestic survivors manage to get there in the 0end and just keep in walking  the path that lays ahead of them .

 ( Photo used below is one of my own 😊 . )

   



Thursday, June 8, 2023

Random Facts .




  Here's some random and shocking facts about domestic abuse........


🔴 ....A domestic abuse related call is made to the police every 30 seconds .

🔴....1 in 5 adults will experience some form of Domestic Abuse in their lifetime .

🔴....Last year 2.4 million were victims of some sort of abuse .

🔴....For every 3 victims of abuse 2 are women and 1 is male .


🔴....Less than 24% of domestic abuse is actually reported to the police .


      Now I don't know about you but these facts are really sad and shocking but unfortunatly it doesn't really supprise me . Domestic abuse has been going on since the cavemen existed ( remember the comic pictures of women being dragged by their hair ? 🤔 ) and it will continue to happen for years to come .  Personally no I unfortunatly don't believe it will all ever end in my lifetime but that doesn't mean to say we don't have to stop trying to educate people in how wrong it all is and the effects it leaves behind with the abused victim . 
  
It's all down to us the survivors to teach the next generation that just because your parents may of been abusive it doesn't mean to say you automatically have to be it too . Being abusive doesn't and will never solve every problem or issue and NO !!!!! it's not and never will be the correct way to act in life .  
 Just imagine if everyone hit out or got verbally or physically aggressive every time things didn't go the right way , the whole world would just completely fall apart with the mass aggression . Granted there have been some countries that have been ruled like that in the past but what was gained ?...

Your absolutly right and deep down for the real people who have to live there and not the government that try's to rule it nothing is gained apart from a bad reputation ( that's the peace loving anti war person in me speaking and I'll stop now before I land myself into any trouble ) .

 

    
All domestic abusers out there should just man-up , shut up and grow up , they should stop behaving like an outgrown spoilt sefish little demanding 2yr old brat that needs an extended visit from SuperNanny !! 
   No-one has the right to physically or mentally abuse anyone in life  , it's unexeptable , unneeded and uncalled bad behavour from another fellow human being  . Above all else NO !! nobody will ever ask for it or make the abuser do it , they should be held responsible for their own actions and pay the consequences for it .  
  
  I have never met yet or heard of a domestic abuser who has openly admitted to their actions , given a deep and honest heartfelt and meaningful apology and then gone into recovery for it to never happen again and they have changed for the better .
  They will say sorry it will never happen again but its never meant , the tears are never real and if totally ignored and the end result wasn't the one expected then the anger comes back again and you're back where you started with them . 

  The laws are very slowly changing ...
Emotional abuse is now classed as a crime ( although it can in some cases be encredibly differcult to prove ) .
 Being intimidated into having sex is now classed as a form of rape ( again a little bit differcult to prove ) .
At  least it's all a few steps forward and proof that things are now slowly changing . 
 Remember the story about the Tortoise and the Hare ?  Well it's just like that,  in order to change things about abuse , it has all has to be slow and steady to win the race. 
What ever happens from now on has to happen for all the right reasons , it needs to happen for all those that are or have been abused and it needs to teach others that abuse is totally unnecessary and needed . 
  Abusers don't deserve any easy punishments  , they seem to think they are never wrong  and they will never apologise or be responsible for their own actions .  They can spin a very elaborate web of lies in order to get them out of something but that's all they are just lies , if pushed hard enough that web of lies can be broken .



 I've never really worked out exactly where an abusers gets the need  to abuse from but they have certainly got ot from somewhere .
Nobody is ever born with a natural instict to domestically abuse another person so maybe it's learnt behaviour from parents ?  ( in my now exs case yes I think it was ) or is it a desperate case of needing and wanting attention ?  ( think they all have a little bit of that ) .
 Where ever it came from or who ever they got it from doesn't really matter but what doe's matter is why the hell do they keep on having to do it ? 
My bets are on the fact they keep on doing it because they haven't ever been told its wrong so stop doing it and if you don't stop you will get reprimanded for it .  
  Just like that spoilt little child that demands  it's own way they will just keep on doing it because it works and if it isn't broken why fix it ? .
  The best way I've personally found that works when it comes to dealing with a domestic abuser is to just simply walk away from it permanently, granted its no major punishment for them and they will just continue their highly unpleasant actions somewhere else but at least the abused victim gets to excape to freedom .

   If they do the crime then they should do the time !!!!!

 




 

 
   

Wednesday, June 7, 2023

I'm busy doing nothing.




It's days like today that I look back on what life used to once be like for me and then what I have now....

 The photo above is one of my own many personal ones that I've taken and its shared because it proves my point about me now being totally content with the life I now have and as I'm sat here in my garden writting this post on this beautiful gloriously warm sunny summers afternoon enjoying a very well earnt cup of tea and a couple of ginger nut biscuits after work . The birds are singing , the bees are busy buzzing around looking for the next flower , the butterflies are fluttering like confetti in the sky and as days go it's been pretty good one so far , but then it does all help to make me remember what my days used to be like a few years ago and be completely grateful for everything I have now , my days back then certainly were never allowed to be this chilled out or relaxes and that's for sure 🦋 🐦🐌🐛🌳 .
 
 No way would I of ever gotten away with just simply sitting down relaxing doing absolutly nothing , drinking my tea and just generally watching the world go by  , no way would it be so quite or peaceful and no way would there be this no need to rush around in order to get everything done just in case the abuser suddenly came back home kicking off for the umpteenth time about absolutly nothing in particular ( mind you thinking sbout it I wasn't actually allowed to go to work back then either 🤔 ) .
   
This then makes me appreciate in turn that I now get to do things in my own sweet sometimes haphazard and quite often silly bomb happy little way , there's no worry of waiting for what could happen unexpectedly and deffinatly deffinatly no extra unneeded or unwanted stress or anxiety , my life is most deffinatly a totally a no Worry , no Hurry kind of life and I absolutly love it .
  
 I'm 100% grateful for everything and everyone I have now in my life and to anyone else whose stuck in the dark unforgiving bottomless pit of domestic abuse you too can have this kind of calmness , all you have to do is just take a mighty big deep breath and make that final leap for freedom . Granted Its not always easy and yes you do need to be braver than you've ever been or think you can be but if I can do it after 28yrs extremly long years of abuse then so can anyone else .  
I keep on saying it but its absolutly true anyone can just walk or run away from the abuse they are having to deal with if they really and truly want to . Never believe you can't do it because I promise yes you can , it's the negative thinking that your abuser has passed on to you that's the only thing that's stopping you . Once you leave behind all that negativity you will start seeing the sunshine start to come back in your life once again and you'll regain your self worth and value in no time  .
       
Always remember life is far too short to get it wrong or to waste any more of those valuable years being domestically abused by someone who says they care about you . Don't wait for life to slowly trickle by thinking you don't matter because you do and always will . Just grab life by the horns , break away from the domestic abuse and enjoy every single wonderful breath you take 😊

As the the late great Mr Noel Coward would sing..... 



 He was totally spot on with this way of thinking , with the right mind set you too can be seriously and totally busy doing absolutly nothing at all , going absolutly nowhere and yes its your own free choice and doing it means you won't have anytime left to be unhappy about because you never will have the time 😊 .
 
   As you  have probably noticed its the old hippy part of of me thats coming out today , its the side of me that had to hidden for far too long because it was considered " Not normal " but if that's the case then what counts as normal ?....
 I'd much rather be my abnormal self any day than be boring , personally I think it's all the domestic abusers out there that are " Not normal " not me !
 O.k I may have a few unusual and slightly odd habits ( like dipping my French Fries in my Strawberry milkshake 😋 ) but compared to all those domestic abusers out there mine are completly harmless and at least they don't hurt or effect anyone else . 
 
Thats the benifit of being allowed to be true to yourself  with no abuser control , your free to make your life completly your own in your own way by doing your own thing . 
Never feel your not a good enough person just because your abuser tells you and most importantly don't ever think you need to change in order to become the person your abuser says he wants . 
Always stay unique !



 Why try to be like everyone else ? ....
If we were all the same the world would be a
boring place don't you think ? .
  
  I think I'll stick to the chill out and relax  way of life now I've been lucky enough to be able to refind it again and I'll carry on drinking tea , munching on the odd random biscuit , counting the ants wandering around and watching the squirrels teasing my two  cats by jumping to the next branch in yhe tree at the very last minute ( I'm not sure which one gets the most enjoyment out of the last one but it certainly makes me laugh to watch it ) .

It may all sound like a very simplistic easy going type of existence but I'll have you know it can  take a great deal of hard work to do absolutly nothing !! 😊 .
 
 
        



   
    
    
    

Sunday, November 20, 2022

Silent tears.


 When things get bad and you just want to cry its a perfectly normal human reaction but not when it comes to someone who is or has been through domestic abuse ......

  Silent tears , invisable crying or call it what ever you want its something the abused gets down to a very fine art , You learn very early on that it's the only way you can cry .
Outwardly you can look reasonably fine and collected but inwardly there's a tidewave of unseen tears going on that no one will ever get to be witness to .
 Why are they silent or invisable ?...

 That's one of the extremly rare questions about domestic abuse that I can answer , they are silent because there's no point in letting the abuser know or see how much they've hurt or upset you , You may get asked if your are caught crying " what's up with you ? " but they know really because it was all down to them in the first place . 
You finally admit why your upset to them and it all then instantly all gets turned around and becomes your fault because your the one obviously who has major issues not them . 



 The abuser seems to want to do nothing more than to want to cause as much pain and hurt as they possibly can and they don't really seem to care how they do it . They want and need you to cry , and they strangly need to see the damage or pain they have caused and they then seem to get some sort of crazy bazaar buzz or high out of seeing the final finished result .

  Once they they get the opportunity to see just how much they have successful hurt or damaged someone they then instantly go on the defensive by declaring its not their fault , you started it or you deserved it .  Totally an utterly crazy thing to do but they seem not to be able to see it that way or take responsibility forvehat they have just done .
   
 You learn extremely quickly as the abused victim to never show any of your emotions on the outside and to never ever show any pain you might be feeling because that's giving the abuser exactly justvwhat they want , instead you just go into quite survival mode , you just put a forced fake smile on your face and agree to whatever it takes to get the highly valuable peace and quite back once again .
 
  You become almost to tough for tears , you keep the hurt and pain firmly locked away safe inside yourself where it can't be seen , then when it's very late at night and all are fast asleep you might just allow a couple of those very special tears to escape but that's all you can afford to let go because if you let it all out you know you would never stop and you may then run the risk of drowning in a sea of your own tears .




  Once learnt its something you never forget how to do , your life may have improved after the abuse but as soon as you feel vulnerable or threatened in any way again you will find yourself putting up those sky high invisable barriers all around yourself in order to safely protect yourself again . It's not something I'd expect someone who as never had to deal with any aspects of domestic abuse to fully understand because its obviously just reserved for those of us that have . It's not the greatest all secret super power thing to know how to do but sometimes it's the only thing that can be done , no one will ever notice your doing it and no one will ever know because its your way of safe guarding yourself , whatever thoughts are going through your head at the time just stay in your head .

 I don't think my now ex ever had any idea about what I was up to when I went all quite , in his world quite meant he had won yet another day of emotional abuse . 
It's got to be some sort of odd world to live in if you feel you have to upset or hurt someone else just because you can , but that's exacly what the domestic abusers of this world insist on doing and they dont care who the hell they do it to either . 

  

 So if you happen to think that you thought you were the only one out there to cry those silent unseen tears then I'm sorry I'm afraid  your very much wrong because there are hundreds of us out there who now all share that same special unique ability . 

 There are very few of those unseen silent  tears left now for me , yes they can still happen occasionally on extreme rare occasions but it as I've just said very rare and even that's only if I've been pushed to the very very maximum extreme maximum overload point .

  My life now is more full of laughter than those unwanted silent tears , I try as a go along in life to turn what ever negative thought that comes along into a positive one instead , it works most times and I try to pass it on to others .
   
  Finally picture is a little bit of positive after such a lot of a negative in this post , it was taken whilst out fishing just the other day and I think it sort of show quite well that even after a little depressing rain and you think your day may be a sad one all if a sudden and is if by magic there is always still a very good chance a rainbow just like this one can as if it seems to know you might need it  suddenly appear to make you smile 😃 . 





  


  
  
   
  

Perfect imperfection

     According to all the domestic abusers in this world everyone else is utterly and completely useless , pathetic , and hopeless , worthle...