Good air in and bad air out .

Domestically abused or not abused everyone should learn to just stop and breath all the good air in , no-one lives forever so why not enjoy every single day ?

Personally I count myself very lucky , A few years ago I escaped from my domestic abuser after 28yrs  or rather should I say I took back my control and I chucked him out !! , now there's only one person in my life trying to control my crazy world and that's sweet little old me !  

Yes I make mistakes along the way but I learn from them and then simply just try what ever it was I was trying to do again .  

  One of my favourite things is to be outside ( incase you hadn't seen it written before 😅  ) and as I write this I'm sitting in my slightly messy but full of variouse plants garden , drinking as I normally do when I create these posts a nice cup of tea to help my brain produce all the thoughts going on in my head into all the right words to put down here .  

   I'm breathing in all the good air and breathing out all the bad , from my chair I can see all the plants I'm trying to grow they are  either brought , grown from seed or variouse cuttings I've begged from other people and I'm smiling to myself because its all mine and done all by myself  😊 .

 

 There was once a time I was told on a regular basis that I was " fat , useless and ugly "  well looking at what I can do now I know all that can't be possibly be true .

 It's the abuser that's the ugly one , they are ugly , bitter and very twisted right down to their very core . They don't know how to be happy or love life ,  they just know how to be their own individual variouse shades of grey and that just makes me feel sorry for them because they are missing out on so much .

I refuse to ever find myself living in an abusers world like that ever again and I never want to be anywhere near someone else's dark and gloomy world .

 I've never really worked out how can anyone be so dark and miserable all day and eveyday when there 's so much out there to enjoy ?

 The world is busting full of amazing things to see and this old Hippy just loves taking it all in , there are birds on the bird feeder enjoying the easy way to get food   , there's nice big honey bees buzzing around being busy looking for a new pollen supply , the two cats are laying next to me purring away sunbathing and beautiful butterfly's fluttering all around me ......  simply perfect 

.

   As the two pictures top and bottom both show I can't be all that useless if I can grow these plants ( top = Bouganvillia,  bottom = trailing geranium ) and the fig tree I'm sat next to isn't complaining about being neglected to much either  . 

As for the fat part well I'm leaving that all down to personal opinion but if it's any help I'm still the same size I have always been even after having three children .

    If your told you can't do something for what ever reason don't ever believe it !!! Granted you have to think realistically about it but there's nothing stopping you adapting your first idea and then trying to do it  differently .

If you want to do something why not just give it a go ?....

Ok fair enough I might not be able to be a professor in rocket science or a spaceman but it doesn't mean I can't appreciate how unbelievable the whole entire universe is and I may not be able to drive an F1 car at a Grand Prix but it doesn't mean I can't live life in the fast lane either .

   Today why not take some of those great big deep breaths in and simple just enjoy being alive . I've always believed that life is far too short to get it wrong and you only get one go at it so I'm ever thankful that when I wake up in the morning I'm still breathing and I get to have yet another great day to look forward to ,

Positive thinking is a great thing to be able to do , it makes even a rainy day seem sunny .

 

 As it says in my profile I'm a very annoying major optimistic thinker , if I see a negative I always have to try to it turn it around into a positive .  That hippy in me does her very best to spread the good things in life all around for others and is more than happy to always share a smile with someone else who may need it . 

  Yes even after being dragged extremely reluctantly through a very dark tough period in my time with my abuser I still refuse to give up loving life , I'm not even close to finishing what I started in living my life yet so I'll just keep going with it .

  Just look at this amazing trailing geranium below , it once started it's life as a tiny little seed , it got planted and cared for and now just look at it !!! 

It may only last this summer but it certainly crams in everything it's got whilst it's still here  .  It gives its pollen to the bees , it shares its colour for everyone to see  and it just keeps on giving , the best bit is if I'm really lucky and feeling clever then I can get a repeat display from it's offspring next year after I collect all its seeds when it's finished flowering .....happy days and living the dream 😊.

 Today why not be just like the flowers and make the most of what you have in life !!!!

  

 

    

  

  

Its raining again 🌧

 

Positive or negative , rain serves a great purpose......

As I'm sat here with my normal early morning first cup of tea of the day watching the rain

begin to start again on this slightly soggy morning and from my window I can see adults trying their best to stay dry on their way to work and children doing what they llove to do the most and that's  jumping in the puddles on their way to school .

Rain is something you either love it or hate it and if I'm totally truthful I kind of in the love it group ,  I find it refreshs everything and recharges it . Granted I'm not such a great fan of it when it goes on all day continuously in the middle of a cold winter when

 I have to leave to go to work or walk the dog but on a perfect summers day like today its just like having Tinkerbell from the Peter Pan story sprinkling her Fairy dust everywhere and magically bringing everything back to life .

It's yet another thing that makes me grateful for everything I have now and appreciate it it all even more than I ever have  . Like I've mentioned before I simply just love being outside and yes even on a day like today it can still have a tendency to make me smile when I find myself still trying to do some garden when the clouds above are busy trying to empty everything out at the same time .

Everyday with domestic abuser can be just like a dark , cloudy and full of gloom day , it's like an endless mid winters day with non stop continuous heavy torrential rain and you have no umbrella or raincoat  to help protect yourself . On a really bad day you'll get all the thunder and lighting to go with it and you just feel like all you want to do is just give up and drown in the nearest biggest muddy puddle you can find .

I'm watching it rain right now and remember all to well my dark dismal  days  and that's exactly why in a really weird way I love watching it rain . It reminds me that things will always get better after the storm , the sun will come out and shine once again and the plants in my garden will keep on just getting bigger , better and even stronger every day . 

As I'm writing this post a rainbow has suddenly and magically just appeared on the opposite dide of the road confirming in my eyes at least that life can be totally outstanding after a bad time , its sharing its glorious arch of bright beautiful colours with all to see and by the look of things the pot of gold at the end of it is somewhere near the house just up the road !!!!  

Why not try have a go at being positive today , jump up and down in those exciting muddy puddles , laugh at getting rained on and just love the day in general it doesn't really matter if you get a bit wet because skin is waterproof and clothes will soon dry .  There are  some people out there that live life under a permanent unforgiving dark rain cloud and they feel that they will never feel the warmth of the sun on their face ever again .

This is for all those that are still being or were abused and that you will hopefully understand exactly what I mean by how truly dark those clouds can really be and yes seriously and truthfully your days can and will be brighter and better in the end .

 Why not be like the flowers and grow from the rain ,  become that stronger person , get rid of that strangling ugly old weed in your garden of domestic abuse and then just sit back and enjoy your beautiful future days full of endless sunflowers 🌼 .

Let the abusers of this world be just like those nasty annoying puddles on the street corner that are full of old dead mushy leaves , those puddles will drain away eventually into nothing because they were never really that strong or powerful in the first place .

 Just like the rain the abusers of this world don't have to be there for ever ( even if it feels like they will be at the time ) , there really can be that perfect sun shiny day after you walk away from your storm , the clouds will eventually fade away and the sun will come out once again to make you smile  . 

There' s an old saying that goes something along the lines of  ...There's no such thing as bad weather , just bad clothing and it's so true in lots of variouse ways .

If for some strange reason and if it looks like its going to be a bad day then I make sure I'm fully prepared for it . I make sure my friends are close by if I need them to talk to and I know they will sort me out brilliantly over a large cuppa and the biggest packet of biscuits we can find  .

I know now all my friends ( they know who they are ) will always be there to cover my back when it looks like the bad weather may get too bad,  they will pick me up , dust me down and help me stand back up again if ever I fall , I couldn't have done a fraction of what I have had to do after I became free without them and even to this day I will always buy them the first drink when when ever we go out as a sort of thank you  ( not they would ever expect any form of repayment ) .

As the old childhood rhyme goes....

 " Rain , Rain go away

Don't come back another day ".

Start a new chapter .

 

Domestic abuse has to be one of  hardest chapters  I've ever had in my story of life .....

 and without sounding too much like Forrest Gump I got so wrapped up in the story I was living at the time that I almost forgot all I had to do was just simply turn the page to a new exiting part and then let the story continue .

 Realising your being domestically abused be it physical or emotional is one thing but actually escaping from it is a whole different thing all together , yes of course it can be done because I've actually done it after 28 years of abuse but that doesn't mean to say it wasn't always easy . I had to put my total and slightly crumpled trust in a few utter and complete strangers , I had to instantly" Man Up " and deal with things I had never had to deal with before and most importantly I had to be 100% honest about what had happened to me to others in order to get people to listern to me so that they could help , which of course they very kindly did .

Granted the ex did decide that if I wasn't going to fall for his " let's start again " ploy  then he was going to become a little bit awkward about a few things along the way but I stuck to my guns and kept on ploughing forward . There was nothing that could of changed my mind at that particular time , no more was I going to let myself be continuously suffercated or smothered by someone else's words and actions . I overcame everything that was thrown in my direction to try to stop me but I just kept on going forward because I knew there had to be a much better life story out there for me somewhere . 

  Abusers don't ever like to be wrong in fact they can't stand it and they most certainly don't ever like to lose at anything so do expect a few major temper tantrums along the way if your thinking of doing it , they will stamp their precious little feet , do the classic screaming and shouting thing and chuck their toys out the pram in anger but don't ever give in to them . First you will get the tears and the heart broken looks and when these don't have any effect next will come the anger , this part is where it can get a little bit tricky at times but once it finally dawns on them that your serious they tend to quiet down a bit , they may still try to throw the odd spanner in the works but it's normally nothing that can't be sorted .

Trust me that freedom feeling you can get afterwards is well worth every threat , every snarl and every spiteful comment , its way better than any medicine a doctor might prescribe and its more powerful than any passing tornado .

 You will be totally shocked at just how strong you really are when you really need to be ( mentally strong not physically ) and it's that part that can keep driving you forward . Seriously if I can do everything that I'm doing now so can anyone just believe in it and it will happen .

  Abusers don't ever in my book deserve any second , third or even fourth chances , if they had played nice in the first place you wouldn't have had to make that big decision to walk away in the first place . They say they will change and yes they may do for a brief spell ( which proves they know exactly what they are doing ) but then it will all starts yet again and in some cases it then can become twice as bad as it was  before .

   One day I woke up and decided that in order to change the complete horror story that I was living I needed to turn the page . No-one else was going to do it for me , I had to do it by myself and for myself and it then gradually went from a Bram Stoker horror story to a brand new completely differant exciting new one instead and all created by myself  .

What an adventure story I'm having now!!!!

 It's all full of daring good deeds , happy endings and there's a handsome Prince chucked in there for good measure too 😊 .

The big bad wolf is no longer in my life anymore trying to blow my house down and this apprent " fat , usless and ugly "  duckling has finally now grown into a beautiful Swan  ( well almost anyway 😏 ) . My own personal Fairy God- mother ( she better be a slightly Steampunk version !! ) has waved her magic wand and yes as if by magic I can now go to whatever Ball I want to  , wearing what ever I want to and with who ever I want to , there is no clock striking midnight for me to panic about anymore and there is deffinatly no ugly nasty evil step mother waiting for my return .

  

 Seriously though if your reading this thinking I wish I could do that but I'm not brave enough just remember that life is far too short to waste anynof it and you only get one go at it so why not turn your own page and begin a whole new amazing brilliant story .  Granted some of the story may get a little bit scary along the way but just keep on reading and keep on turning those pages because there's always a happy ever after at the end of it  .

Happy endings can and will happen to you too if you wish hard enough on a shooting star and if that star seems broken or isn't working properly then just simply change it to a better brighter one instead ⭐️ .

 

    

Why start and why continue ?

 

My domestic abuse story first started in 1986 and it continued for an unbelievable 28 years !

Just like the trees in the photo above ( photo taken by myself ) the domestic abuse started small just like a seed but it eventually grew into epic proportions untill it become almost too big to deal with .

During that time I delt with what seemed like endless emotional abuse , financial abuse , basically rape ( I may of agreed to it but only after being intimidated into it ) .

 None of the above was particularly pleasant ( she says using classic British sarcasm ) and no it wasn't obvious what my life was going to be like when the relationship first started and it took a good couple of years for that seed of abuse to firmly take root and grow  .

  I've already explained a couple of times now at of why I felt that I needed to put all my memories and thoughts about what had happened down somewhere and yes its been a fantastic way to process all those past events whilst giving myself some very much needed therapy at the same tine , at the start it was all for purely selfish reasons and its certainly helped put a few ghosts to bed along the way . 

   I never really realised just how many people out there who have been through similar or even worse untill I joined up with Twitter , Facebook , Quora , Instagram,  X ( was Twitter ) and Threads , this then gave me the crazy notion of maybe keep going with these posts so that others could see you can survive abuse and you dont have to be all alone .

 

  I'm a bit of a Frank Sinatra/Ratpack fan and hanging on one of my walls is this......

It sums up exactly how I live my life now ......my way !!

My life now isn't always perfect ( who can honestly say theirs is ?) but it's all now lived under my rules and no one else's . 

If you read that little profile thing at the side that explains about who I am , you will see that I'm as much in control of my own life as I possibility can be and I am now a eternal annoying optimist . No one will ever control the way I live my life again .

 

 Now I'm about to ask anyone out there who may read this for a massive favour .... I need your help . 

I need followers , I need others to help spread the word about how you can go forward after domestic abuse ,  I need others to help show how much stronger you can become afterwards  . 

Between us all we can show others that they are not and never will be alone .

Those who have been there will know exactly how dark , lonely and oppressive it can all feel whilst being abused and that's why it's really important for us survivors to stick together and shout out loud about our various abuse so it then can encourage others who are still going through it to see how wrong it all is and that life can become great again .

 The only way to beat those total waste of space evil abusers is to outnumber them , bullies are nothing but groveling pathetic little cowards really when someone or something bigger comes along and together we can be that something bigger .

  

 As a mass group from all over the world we can all help slowly send all the abusers back under the slimy little grotty rocks they originally came from , together we can reach out and help guide those that may need it . 

 You should never be afraid of a domestic abuser but the abusers should be afraid of us survivors !!

I have never and will never treat someone else the way I was once treated , I was raised to have respect for others and to treat other people how I wish to be treated myself , I'd like to think I have taught my children the same good manners I was once taught and they in turn will pass it all on . 

Its a massive shame that all the abusers out there were obviously not given the same lessons in life or else they wouldn't be way they are . 

You are not born with with the ability to abuse someone , it's all learnt from someone else and the pathetic excuses of " I cant help it , its just the way I am" or " you made me do it " are just proves that they were allowed to get away with it growing up and never taught to take responsibility for their own actions . 

There is and never will be a good enough excuse or reason for those that abuse someone else , there is only one person doing it all and thats the abuser , no one else is raising their hand in order to strike out at someone and no one else is forcing them to do things like  they do to others .

Thankgully not all abusers children turn out just like them but unfortunatly some do and so it goes on and it will keep going on untill we start educating others about how wrong it all is .

Some will listern and some won't but those that do hear will inform others along the way . 

  One day eventually before the sun finally burns itself out I hope that everyone will live non abusive life's and the world becomes a much better place but unfortunatly I doubt very much it will ever happen in my lifetime .

 So untill that day gets here I will continue being grateful for ever setting sun I see and I'll look forward to the next brand new day with excited anticipation never knowing what surprises it may bring .

 ( photo used below from my own collection taken by myself ) 

Money , money , money.

 

  

 Money , we all want it , most work hard for it but sometimes just sometimes your not allowed to keep it ......

Living with a narcissist can be like living with your own private and personal Mr Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol . 

What's yours is theirs but what's theirs is their own , they don't seem to have the ability to know how to give or to share they just only seen to know how to keep eveything ( even if they don't really want it ) .

 Now back to Mr Scrooge.... he was once a very greedy , sad and I think lonely man and getting more was never quite enough for him , he didn't care that others were going without or suffering , he didn't care about anyone else but his own self , but then late one Christmas eve he got lucky and he had a second chance given to him by his 3 very special visitors who each taught him various valuable life lessons .

When he woke up on Christmas morning he then begun to try to change his ways for the better and he started to give as well as to recieve . 

  

   

   I remember all to well not having any control over any money that came in or out , for a lot of years . I wasn't allowed to have a job let alone my own bank account . I made do with a tiny amount given in the form of Child Benifits payments ( even that took a lot of arguments to be able to keep ) . I was told on a regular basis that we were really poor and hadn't got enough money but strangly enough nice new computers , PlayStations , cars and even bigger than before televisions would suddenly appear as if by magic ( all things brought and apparently very much needed by my ex of course ) .

  Domestic abusers or Narcissists love nothing more than to control all things and money is just one of the many ways they try to do it  , they will use it to take advantage of someone or as emotional blackmail their not bothered just as long as it gets the end result that they are after .

They all seem to love watching others beg , plead or even grovel even if it's only for just a couple of pound thats needed , they will give that look of " consider yourself extremely lucky  " as they hand it over reluctantly and then remind you a few days later you still owe them for that bottle of milk or loaf of bread you brought the other day in order so you could make them their coffee or toast 🤔 .

  

      

      

Nowadays I'm in reasonably good control of my own funds , nobody tells me what I can and can't do with it ( apart from the bank obviously ) and if I decide I want to waste my own well earnt money and buy a lovely pair of high heeled  black leather thigh high boots and a bright pink Tutu to wear then I bloody well will !!!!!

I now count myself extremly lucky I don't and never have had expensive taste , I appreciate everything no matter how small it might be that I have in my life , personally I don't think domestic abusers or narcissists have the same thinking or ability, they see it and they just want it regardless of what it takes to get it and then when they do finally get it and the novelty wears off they don't want it anymore and then want something else instead  .... Crazy isn't it but that's the kind of world they live in . 

 Its another really excellent reason why I had to end my 28yr  bad existence of domestic abuse a few years ago along with numerous other reasons , and If I can totally supprise myself and take back my own slightly warped quite often scatty life then so can anyone else . 

 I'm no longer like the character Bob Cratchit in someone elses Christmas Carol and I've sent my now ex version of Ebenezer Scrooge  to go and live in someone elses story (apologies to who ever has to tolerate him next ) . 

I think it's going to take a lot more than three slightly spooky ghosts to change his warped and twisted ways ( his still doing his controling to others thing and still blaming everyone else ) , 

 I'm now writting my story of domestic abuse for all to read and I get to decide how it continues and how it ends , those that read it can decide who the villain is and who the hero could be because it all depends on how you look at things . 

Life is all about making up your own mind about things and that's exactly the same opportunity I'm giving anyone who decide to read any of my posts . 

 I don't want anyone's pity let alone get any 

sympathy but what I do want is the understanding that domestic abuse can happen to absolutly anyone and if you think it could be happening to someone you know then just be ready to be there when they really need it .

I still don't have an awful lot of money to my name but at least what I do have now is all my own , I now no longer have to feel like I'm being held to ransom if I ask to borrow anything and no longer am I being pressured and intimidated into having sex just because I couldn't pay back the money I asked for in order to but the bread to make his stupid sandwich . 

  

Now I'm living my own story and my days I've decided should  always end with a golden sunset  !!

( photo used below from my own collection ) .

   

       

     

   

Trust.

 

Trust may only be a small five letter word but it's one of the biggest things you will ever have to do in your life .....

From the very moment you are born you will need to put your trust in other people , the nurses or doctors that help you take your first breath and your parents for the decisions they take to raise you .  

  You need to trust your teachers to help provide you with the right education to see you through life that then this in turn leads you to having to trust your future Boss and work colleagues , the list of people you need to trust in life just goes on and on .

 Then you'd like to think that whoever you decided to settle down and spend your future with would trust you just as much as you trust them but unfortunatly this isn't always the case , You may trust them but they may not necessarily always share the same level of trust back and this is where some problems can lay. 

Domestic abusers have a major serious lack of trust with anything , everyone and anyone and especially with the person they are with at the time and the same person who they are supposed to care about . 

Because of their total and complete lack of trust you could find yourself not able to do some of the more normal everyday things in life . 

  Personally I wasn't allowed to have a bank account , work or spend too long doing anything else that didn't invole putting my now ex at the centre of my attention and because I simply wasnt trusted I therefore wasnt allowed to do anything , go anywhere or speak to anyone ( especially not the opposite sex ) . 

Even just taking a quick five minute trip to the local supermarket for a loaf of bread or a top up of more milk had to be done with full military persission timing or else I could fully expect my phone to ring and I could find myself either having to put my camera on to prove where I was or hold my phone in the air so the background noises could be heard (  with no thought given on how daft I might of looked at the time ) .

You naturally want to trust who you are with not to hurt or harm you in any way but that trust can get slowly and painfully broken down once the abuse starts , it can creep up on you unexpectedly just when you least expect it and then slowly it all begins to take-over your entire being , if you some how manage to escape from your abusers web a valuable part of your jigsaw puzzle in life then becomes lost and its that special little piece you need called trust .

  It may only be a small piece but it's crucial part and it's really difficult to live life without it , it's not untill you stop to think about it that you realise just how many people and things you need to put your trust in during one single day .

Can you genuinely hold your hand up high and declare , yes I have the capability to put my trust in someone else !!!! ?......

 I might of taken me a brief spell to get there while but yes I can say I have my lost trust back , I still rely a lot on my intuition about some people but as a rule its never really let me down . 

If I'm unsure about someone then I always try to give them a fair chance  , some become life long trusted friends and some are just left to annoy someone else in a differentplace preferably .

Those that become friends are just like a true diamond , they are very rare but incredibly valuable and I certainly wouldn't be where I am without them ( they know who they are and that I will never be able to thank them enough ) .

 

 

Then you have to make that massive big decision of can you ever trust someone else in your life again ?....

 No one else can make that decision for you but yourself , yes you can simply just wrap yourself up in a form of bubble wrap to protect yourself for the rest of your life never trusting anyone ever again or you can take a great big deep breath , take the lesp and try again to find the missing piece of your puzzle with someone else , if your lucky the trust you once lost will be easey to get re-found once again and life can then just continue in its own sweet contented little way .

Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't and sometimes you may need to just keep on trying with it but you will never know untill you give it a go and put your trust out there with someone . You may need to start your entire jigsaw puzzle all over again but it can and will be all worth it in the end and the end result could be a great improvement on the last picture you were trying to create . 

Piece by piece start slowly putting it all thse pieces back together again  making sure you are totally happy that each and every bit fits exactly way you want it to be  , Never try to rush it and just always take your time , it's your future your building so why not make it a good one 😊 .

It's your own personal jigsaw so why not design it your own unique way and in your own time , you get to choose what's in the end result so don't waste your time on anything fake and slways use the real pieces that fit .

  Always believe that one day you will find all those valuable missing pieces and that jigsaw will finally get completed ,  maybe not as fast as you may like it but it will and can  happen and your life will start to begin feeling complete too .

                     

  I was lucky and found my missing piece 😊

.

Male Domestic Abuse.

Search for domestic abuse online and what do you get ? You'll find some great advice and amazing helpful groups to ring and loads of information for women ......

  But what about the guys out there dont they need help too ?  Why don't they get the same sort of support as the women ?...

 Granted yes it is out there but it's not always that easy to find and unfortunately it's not so easy for them to talk about it . 

Isn't male abuse exactly the same as female abuse ?......

Unfortunately not in all cases , the abuse may be  similar but the aftercare isn't always .

Male domestic abuse is an even bigger elephant in the room that female abuse and that's just not good enough . All abuse victims should be treated in exactly the same regardless of who you are . 

The group above called Mankind are based in England and I'm fairly sure other countries will have similar versions of their own ,  I know of the amazing work of this group because I've met some people that they have successfully helped .

 Surviving abuse is a tough enough road to travel on at the best of times but for the men out there it must be an even tougher journey .  

  The police certainly don't always want to take it as seriously and if there's children envolved in the relationship the mother still automatically gets to keep them even if it's her that was the abuser in the first place and with no questions asked ( wrong on so many variouse levels if you ask me ) . In order to win custody of any children involved has to endure many years of fighting , prove he can be a good hard working father , have a possible police check to make sure he has a clean police record and then have variouse questions given to him in order to prove he  can do the job proberly . 

 What checks or questions does the mother get ?......

Nothing . 

She is automatically awarded care of the children without having any tests or checks even if she is known to be the domestic abuser .

 Meanwhile the poor father is just left

having to just except it and see his children when and if its allowed , how can all that be fair to the father ?....

Your right it isn't fair and he will be wondering why the system is so one sided. 

If a domestic abusive relationship the police end it getting called who do you think they will question first ?.....

  Yes in the real life both parties should be treated equally but that isn't always the case plus it depends on just how good an actress the woman can be .

 If the police are called and the women declared she was physically attacked the  father would have been arrested almost straight away and put in a police cell ( fair enough ) but when he finally gets a chance to talk about his side do you honestly think he will be believed  ?......

Unfortunately I doubt it very much too .

Now turn it around , if the man had rung and said he'd been physically attacked by the woman would the woman be arrested straight away or would the police question it further before they do ( especially if there's a lack of evidence or witnesses)  , is this fair treatment ? ........ 

No not even close to it  !!!!!!

   This is something I personally feel really strongly about because men and women should have identical treatment , support and aftercare but in a lot of cases it doesn't happen . There's not nearly enough refuges for men and even then I know of examples of where the aftercare has been virtually non-existent  . 

Again this is not good enough !

   If you are male and are or have suffered from domestic abuse please just keep going , the few groups out there that can help you will do as much as they possibly can to support you . 

Everything I write is meant for all and yes of course it includes the boys out there , why would I exclude them ?  , they need exactly the same help as anyone else .  

The blog email that can be found in my profile is for all , male or female and I will exactly the same confidentiality to all , Its there in case anyone feels the need to reach out for support ( I may not have the answers but I will listern ) .

  

I once unfortunately had to leave a domestic abuse Facebook group because they made the ridiculous decision they were going to become ladies only , I asked why and their answer was simply because abusers were finding and contacting their victims through it........excuse me but shouldn't they have sorted out their privacy settings first rather than automatically assume all the abusers had to be male !!!!!

Yep as you've guessed I was totally and utterly gobsmacked with the answer and promptly left following them and I kindly informed them just how ridiculous their excuse was , I know there was a few gentlemen that were brave enough to use it so why on earth exclude them ? .....

This is a perfect example of how totally and completely unfair it is for any male that's being abused  and how disgusting it is to instantly blame them for what could be going on at home . Trying to find an image stating that abuse towards men needs to stop was virtually impossible ( which in itself is outrageous) so I decided there needed to be one and here it is , please feel free to share it , screenshot it and use it if needed ( it's made by me so full permission given to do as you like with it ) .

  

Wake up !!!! It doesn't matter if your male  female , gay , straight or even Alien domestic abuse is exactly the same thing and everyone should be treated the same way .

Everything I have ever posted on here , facebook , Instagram , Threads , X ( was Twitter ) and Quora are meant for all , I will never instantly condem or judge others .

Please find below the contact details for the English group Mankind . ( many apologies to other countries ) . They will listern and help and most importantly they will not automatically blame or accuse . 

 

  

Letter to self aged 19 .

 

Wished I had read this letter to myself all those years ago before I met my now ex abuser....

Dear polskie , 

         I am you in the future and at this particular period of time in your life you are a happy go lucky reasonably content young lady without many cares in the big wide

world.Your having great fun being nineteen,going out with friends ,visiting various nightclubs and enjoying meeting new people.You will have a great future to look forward to and yes I agree giving up smoking will be a fantastic idea and maybe reconsider the not so bright plan to dye your hair blue ( it will cost a fortune to correct if you do ).

The friends you make now will be your long term ones and they will always be there in the background when you really need them so look after them all well and they will never let you down . 

You wll have a few serious and major decisions to make as you get older,some easy and some not so easy but all should have good final end results, always try to believe in yourself and good things will follow.Never regret any decision you make along the way because they are all a learning curve towards your future , try really hard to believe in each and everyone one you make because if you don't no one else will either .

Good news... your future children will inherit your outlook on life so raise them well and they will be great in everything they try to achieve. Remember to teach them all the good old fashion manners you were once taught by your mother and instal in them that in order to get any respect in life first you should earn it and second you should deserve it.

  When you get to around the age of 50 there may be a few little unexpected surprises coming your way(nothing bad and all good ) You will totally shock yourself by gained more than twice the amount of exams that you have just received from school and you will discover you are slightly more intelligent than you actually think that you are ( yes even with dyslexia).

 Work wise you will do many variouse jobs along the way and some will be better than others but all of these will give you some great life experiences so enjoy them and always try to work hard at whatever you decide to do.

 As the years go by you will have to face a few unpleasant events and you will need to learn from them ,yes you will make your mistakes along the way but you just need to just keep on going forward because it will all be worth it in the end .

 

 Now comes the warning.... 

Please think twice when your choosing who to date and plan your long term future with care. All may not be what it seems at first.You may meet someone along the way that tells you loads of dramatically sad storys about their past,be really careful here because you may not be told the complete truth about everything .listern to your intuition and if in doubt just don't go there. 

 If you still end up going in the same direction I once went then don't wait till its almost too late to do anything about it, make that all important life changing decision earlier . Don't ever believe your not worth it or not needed to anyone , you may get told you are many unpleasant nasty things but it's all not true and never try to change who you are just because someone else thinks that you should

 . 

Keep being true to yourself and always remain the same optimistic person you have always been , even that little stubborn streak in you will get used to good effect when it's really needed .

Never forget the wise words once given to you by your grandfather that" Good manners can carry you anywhere " and continue trying to make him proud of you even after he says his final last goodbye.

 Be patient in your life and wait because one day that right person will come along eventually and they will fit perfectly into your jigsaw of life,this may come as a little bit of an unexpected surprise but it will deffinatly be worth the wait so never stop believing it can eventually happen so keep that special night light burning .

 Always believe in your dreams at night because some are giving you a hint of what the future may hold , if your asked to make a promise during one of them then dont hesitate to mean it when you make it because that one single promise could be the key to opening a brand new exciting door in your future .

 You may find yourself one day deciding to tell the world about your life story so take care when writing it ,always remain honest and genuine doing it because it will have the possibility of helping many other people along the way.Never be afraid of meeting challenges as you go because those that may read it could have some of their own to fight too and you can prove that you should never say never . Write with meaning , truth and above all else honesty at all times . 

Always keep that unique sense of humour you have inherited because there will be times when it will be the only thing that will help keep you sane, a smile costs nothing so try sharing yours around .Try to make your days have as much laughter in it as possible because life is too short not to enjoy it. 

 Yes you will get the odd sad day but always remember that tomorrow is a brand new day and it can be outstanding. 

     

Enjoy the life you live .

          Your  future self x   

      

  

      

 

 

Reference's and reviews .

 

Don't you think sometimes we should all be able to get references and reviews from the exs of the person your interested in ?.....

 Just imagine the sort of stuff that could be written about a domestic abuser or  narcissist when it comes to a review 🤔 My exs reference would say something along the lines of ...

  Faulty goods , avoid using if possible .

  Do not use without wearing appropriate safety equipment . 

 Has a tenancy to malfunction on random occasions .

 Been known to contain toxic waste .

Contains a government heath warning .

Potential fire hazard with a tendency to create harmful sparks . 

First aid may be required if used  .

 ⭐️  0 stars given .

Seriously though ,  yes we may have Claires Law over here in England where people can be checked out ( for a more detailed explanation about it I suggest looking it up ) but some can and do still unfortunaty slip through the net and they find their next victim and ironically some abusers even use it to their own advantage and then have the nerve to act the injured party after it all goes wrong . 

Abusers and Narcissists in some cases could win numerous endless best actor Oscars for their " who me ? , Never !!!   , I didnt do it " performance but those of us who had the joy of dealing with one of them of course know them much much better . Just like an expert burglar abusers will never get caught in action , they will wait untill the coast is all clear to then commit their crime  , how can they possibly play the innocent party if they get caught in the act ?...

  Just imagine if you knew exactly what they were really like before you got together with them , would you have still have gone there ?....  

No , neither would I ( in fact I would have run in the opposite direction of far far away ) .

  

Maybe we could do them the equivalent of a school report card , with various grades on their abilities 🤔 .

 Personally no I don't think my now ex would do very well at all with any of it and there would be an awful lot of " could do better " on it . 

If someone warned you in advance about what that person was really like would you really of listened to them ?  Or would you fall for the oldest trick in the book and believe all their lies and excuses ?.....

 Yes of course I would listern and then because I believe there normally two sides to every story I'd give that person a fair chance to prove what I had heard was wrong , I'd also trust my intuition and any sign of it trying to tell me something didn't seem right then leave before it even started .

 Like I said domestic abusers are the greatest of all actors they can pretend to be absolutely anyone they choose to be when others are watching , they become chameleon like and they can turn on the tears like a tap instantly , they can manage to become Godzilla faster than Superman can fly . 

One minute they are the clown trying to make you laugh and the next they can become Frankinstiens monster trying to scare you as soon as no-one is looking  . 

 

  Maybe abusers should have a 3 strikes and your out clause attached  . Life could be such a better place and so much easier if they all wore markers don't you think ? Or maybe little labels stating please proceed with caution .  

One thing I have done and will contue to do is try to make contact my exes latest victim once they separate , I simply wait and when his been dumped yet again because of his controling behavour I then introduce myself ( as they have bound to have hear all about me and various terrible stories ) and simply say " I know exactly what you have just been through and I'm here if you need to talk to someone " .

If they don't want to talk then that's fine and I'll leave them alone untill their ready but if they change their mind then I'm always available when or if they need it .

 Yes it could lead to all sort of possible problems but so far it's all worked out just fine and I'll keep on doing it 😊 , in fact its been quite an enjoyable experience exchanging comparisons and swapping funny stories .

It's not perhaps something I would highly recommend just anyone try to do but its working for me and in my defence I'm not afraid anymore of what my ex could say or do if ever he discovered what I was up to , like I said before I'm a considerabley stronger person than I was back then .

  So if your about to start in a potentially brand new relationship may I suggest you proceed with a certain degree of caution , there's a really good chance the new model could be in absolute full working order but if just on the off chance you pick up a slightly defective one then please don't even attempt to continue using .

 If in any doubt why not do a little bit of homework , ask casual questions around and see what reviews you get . If the reviews are all good then you should have nothing to worry about but if there's anything negative then listern to it and make a wise decision .

 

How would I feel if someone was asking questions about me ?...

 If I'm honest I think I might take it as a bit of compliment ( and that's something I'm not particularly good at ) . If their asking then their curious and if their curious that means their possibly interested 🤔 .

If you feel something doesn't feel quiet right about a possible new person then why not follow those natural instincts and.......