Your Song

 

Domestic abuse is like playing the same old horrible song again and again on an eternal loop , just when you start to think it's stopped,  it starts all over again. 

    it doesn't matter whatever what song it may be it because it won't stop re-playing untill the decision is made to unplug where ever that encredibly annoying sound is coming from . In my case I think I not only switched it off but I must of hit it with a sledge hammer for good measure too .

  There's many other brilliant ways to have music in your life and domestic abuse most certainly isn't one of them , how can I describe what kind of sound domestic abuse is ?....

   

  Think of finger nails being dragged down a blackboard but even louder , it will only ever stop when the person doing it feels like stopping and not before , it's all about the control .  Domestic abusers can't do anything quietly and there's always a form of punishment behind it if things don't go their way .

  When to stop your play list of domestic abuse is entirely up to you , it's your own personal music so only you can put a stop to it , how to stop it is again a very individual thing but when it is finally ended then its time to change the music to whatever you want it to be and you get to play it at what ever volume you want it to be . Where my music was once like a really old large vinyl record with big deep scratches on it and a tendency to jump , it's now a phenomenal greatest hits album full of my all time favourites .

  In case it's not been.noticed yet in this post I have always appreciated music in all its many variouse forms and there where times in my all too grey and gloomy past that it was one of the only things that helped keep me reasonably of sound , mind and body. One of my small never noticed rebellious acts was to sit down with my basic thing- a- bit -like -an- ipod and put my earphones in when football was on the television , I would open whatever good book it was that I was reading at the time and them pretend to switch off . The one all important factor in all of this was the fact that I never actually switched my music on , if he thought I couldn't hear him then there was no point in talking or moaning about something in my direction and I would get some peace and quite till the game ended . 

   My choice in music is various and never a day goes by when there's not some of it playing at some point somewhere , I now get to play it loud and proud instead of keeping it to myself . I now have complete control over my music thats played and the same goes for my life . Changing my music opened up whole brand new adventures and now I'm free to dance or even sing along whenever I want to ( granted not always in time but its still great fun doing it ).

  Can anyone change their music?....

   Yes absolutly they can , in actual fact anyone can and whenever they want to .

  

Now the big question is are you ready to improve things in your life ?.. because in order to make those changes you need to really want to and believe it can be done . A bit scary to begin with yes maybe but all that seems scary can only get better and easier as time goes by untill one day you realise there was nothing to be scared of after all . 

   No way am I a mentally strong all powerful superhero human but what I am is a domestic abuse survivor and if I can do it then do can anyone else , all it took was that one magic moment when I decided to change the music playing in the back ground .

  Now let's have a bit of fun......Here's my list of music that could very very loosely related to the subject of domestic abuse ( obviously none of which should be taken seriously but you'll see what I'm trying to do as you read it ) .

          🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

   

  Highway to Hell = AC/DC

  

 I knew you were trouble = Taylor Swift

  

 It wasn't me = Shaggy

 Help = The Beatles

 War = Edwin Starr

 Please release me = Engelbert Humperdinck

I will Survive = Gloria Gaynor

Freedom = George Michael

Keep on running = Spencer Davis Group

Your song = Elton John

Its my life = Bon Jovi

      

          🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

 

 Granted their all a bit obscure with the connection but you can see where I was trying to go with it . There is one ultimate finale song and one of my all time favourites to add to my list and that's by Mr Frank Sinatra's and its My Way  ( or Sid vicouse's version for those with punk tendencies like myself ) , it sums up exactly how I now feel about things nowadays , no one will ever get the privilege of thinking they can control me because I am the only person who has the right to do that ,  I will of course make mistakes along the way but I learn from each and every one of them as I go along and it will all of course be done  my way  🎼  .

  So what ever your music choices are and what ever the lyrics mean to you never forget if you don't like what's being played you can always fast forward the song . It's your unique individual very special personal playlist so you get to pick all the tracks , be they heavy rock , country and western or seriously sloopy/ romantic it's all your choice and you can get to sing along or dance because they belong to you and no one else .

Remember....... Never be made to dance to someone else's music !!

  Whilst writing this post today there has of course been my normal cup of tea and my music playing in the background giving me the inspiration for today's subject .

 

    

   

   

  

  

   

  

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

    

   

    

   

 

Not the Master controller.

 

Why do those that domestically abuse others always feel the need to be the master controller?......

  It certainly isn't because others can't manage to live their own life quite successfully without it and it most deffinatly isn't because that others can't survive a single moment without being guided along the way . So that then leads to another really interesting question , if it's not for those reasons or more importantly , is it then abusers/controllers underlying deeply buried problem ?....

  Maybe they possibly feel that if their own life isn't going the way they want  it to then it obviously must be someone else's fault and that in turn means that whoever happens to be with at the time needs to be redirected to go in the direction that the abuser feels is the right way to go so that they feel their life is back on course ( even if it's going to go wrong again ) . 

   Basically if they can't control their own life then they try to control someone's else's . 

  Is it their unique form of anxiety ?...

  I'm not sure but I much rather they learnt to sort it all out for themself then share it around to others .

   Is it down to their own individual insecurities ?....

  Possibly but that doesn't really help or do any favours for the person their going out of their way to control. 

  If the want-to-be  Master controller thinks their messed up in life just imagine then what it's like for their latest victim after they have had to deal with them !! Just imagine walking through a never ending minefield , never knowing when or where that next explosion could happen or how big it could all be . 

  It could be over something as silly and as small as not putting enough sugar in their coffee or how dare you wear what you wanted to wear today , the controller's of this world just want everything done their way .

  Personally I've never really worked out why they feel the need to do it , yes I've seen and heard several really good reasons but in some cases it's just very poor excuses . The controller knows exactly what their doing at the time and they know exactly how to get the end result that's demanded , so if they know from the start what they are about to do then equally they should in theory know that what they are about to do isn't the right way to go about things 🤔.

   O.K , so what can you do to make life a little easier living or being with someone who feels they need to control everything?....

⭐️  Just stop , count to 10 and start again then breath....  ⭐️

I found keeping calm helped a lot , kicking off because their kicking off doesn't help anyone or anything so when or if it happens just smile sweetly and listern to what they want to say then very calmly take a big breath and in a reassuring sort of way try to explain that you actually do have it quite successfully under your own control thank you very much , granted it doesn't always work or go down well but the staying calm bit most certainly benifits the person having to deal with it in the first place .

  Many a time in the past I've had amusing moments where I've actually managed to out smart and out control my now ex abuser , sometimes I knew when told that the so called brilliant idea would be a complete disaster but I went along with it just for the fun of it ( yes I'd get the foul treatment after but it was always well worth it).

  One great amazing idea was on a really hot sunny summers day " let's cut down the branches on that tree in the garden " ( people passing by the back gate could see and hear everything that was going on ) so off came his shirt and up the tree he went , major orders about how to do this sort of job properly and comments of " I know what I'm doing " , then a few hours later after clearing up the mess that was made below I heard a voice moaning that he had got sun burnt on his back and was now stuck in the tree !!!! 

  I knew it would all happen but there was of course no way I could mention any of it , he found a way down after a great deal of swearing from him and laughter coming from those people that passed by and I got a massive sulk thrown my direction for a couple of days but it well worth every single minute of watching and laughing on the inside. 

   The above is just a random but funny moment in my past life ( theres been a few good ones similar and thats for sure ) but what it does show is that Karma can get give those that want to control everything or everyone a short sharp bite on the bum occasionally , it was those crazy moments that helped keep me going sometimes and on bad days I'd replay them in my mind just to help make me smile . I still see that same tree every single day now in my garden and it's now looking pretty good after I did the job myself once he had left without any instruction , sun burn , swearing or getting stuck . 

   There's so much stuff I've discovered that I can now do all by myself quite successfully if needed and I'm most certainly not " fat , useless and ugly " , if I find it's something a bit beyond me then I just simply ask a favour from one of my great friends .

  Just like that tree I've now grown taller and stronger , no one will ever ever attempt to get the chance to try to control my life again and get away with it . There is and only ever will be one ultimate master controller in my life now and that is .......ME !!!!!!!!!!!

   

  

   

   

  

   

   

  

  

Believe it .

 

O K , I'll admit it.... I enjoy all the J.K Rowling Harry Potter stuff but it also sets a good example about over coming the bad things in life.....

  Harry had things a bit tough from the very first book but he just kept on going and in each and every following book he grew stronger and stronger . Yes , he may just be a fictional character in a book/film but if you look into it there's a few similarities to domestic abuse. 

   Those dreaded nasty Dementors that try to suck all the joy out of someone are the equivalent of a domestic abuser , both have no sign of much of an inner soul, and both on a mission to make everyone miserable is a great example so why not check it out and you'll see what I mean .

   Everyone who reads these posts should all have worked out by now I am by very good fortune and grace a very natural positive kind of person and I try extremely hard to always look on the bright side of things , how can I do that after suffering all my what felt like endless years of abuse I hear you ask ?....

   That's one of the very few questions I'm constantly asking that I can answer , I flatly refuse to let what may of happened to me rule my life . My now ex abuser no longer rules my very existence anymore so why should he rule my new found freedom . 

   

 I will not allow myself to wallow in any form of self pity or drown in yesterday's memories ( I will never forget what happen but I dont have to relive it everyday  ) and I most deffinatly won't tolerate any forms of bulling or abuse to others if I see it happening anywhere now .

    It's been several years now since I made my decision to leap to my freedom and it's most deffinatly not only one of the best decisions I've ever made but also one I shall never regret making , I now speak about it everyone and anyone who wants to listern and yes absolutly I most certainly would stand up in front of a crowd of total strangers and talk about it if asked .  I am not and never will be ashamed or embarrassed about my past and now veiw it all as a major serious lesson in life .

  What started as a bit of a selfish thing at the start in writting my story of domestic abuse  down somewhere , it's now grown in its own strength. It's given me therapy and counselling without the expense and oh boy ! the boost of confidence it's given is better than any tablet the doctor could prescribe . I truly hope that those that read any or all of my posts gain at least a small something from them .

 

   If you have unfortunatly found yourself entrapped in your own version of abuse and feel that you just dont know what to do or which direction to turn to then never forget it all needs to start with you , only you can make that first all important decision and its only you that can start that snowball rolling . After that first call or Email things get a lot easier and regardless of what you may of been told yes you are important and yes you do matter .

    I remember my  first call and the nerves that went with it , I had spent so long believing what I was once told that I was usless that it came as quite a shock to discover I actually wasn't and that the family and friends I thought had given up on me hadn't and as soon as they heard about my escape they soon all started reappearing again much to my delight .

   I know I've said similar things before or even repeated myself ( I do that a lot I know ) but untill my dying day I will never stop doing it because that's how important it all is to me , domestic abuse in all its foul forms will never stop in my life time but at least maybe I'll  make a little bit of a dent in it somewhere along the line to weaken it . Those that domestically abuse don't need anyones sympathy , help  or understanding because as adults they should know already that the sort of actions they make towards others is not the right way someone should behave ( they should have grown out of the terrible two's by now don't you think 🤔 ) .

  The Survivors of domestic abuse discover that they can grow far more stronger and greater than their abusers , they have the power to complety ruin all the plans and schemes made by them  and then they can just walk ( or run ) away with their heads held high , those that abuse never get to have or use that sort of power and that's all due to them never admitting to their own mistakes or except they were wrong .That almighty great power is called self belief and once you get that then you can become almost indestructible . 

    Today be proud of yourself , it doesn't matter if you're still bound up within the ropes of abuse , a survivor like myself , a sympathetic and understanding reader or even just a found by chance person everyone should think of at least one thing today that makes them proud of themselfs . Believing in yourself and everything you do is a great way to deal with life and I'm a firm believer that if you believe in something hard enough then maybe one day it will happen .  

                        

  ⭐️  I wish I may , I wish I might , I wish upon a star tonight ....... May Domestic abuse eventually cease to exist  ⭐️

    

   

   

  

    

  

   

  

   

   

  

   

  

   

  

Happy Mother's day !

Today is Mothers Day here in England !!!!!!.....

   So to all my fellow mums out there who are going through domestic abuse or have like myself managed to survive it and come out the other side I hope you manage to successfully enjoy the day !!!! 🌺

   Being a mother whilst having to deal with any forms of domestic abuse isn't easy , it's a major juggling act of trying to give as much normality and peace as possible whilst dodging the abuse from somewhere else and keeping as much of it as possible hidden from small eyes . Those children that have witness any of it or any of its after effects tend to in some cases grow up thinking its all perfectly normal and every child's parents act like that .

  There is always of course those who with no fault of their own loose contact with their children because for whatever reason they are not given custody of the child/children or they have been drip feed over a period of time endless accusations and untruths which unfortunately they believe . So this post is totally dedicated to not only all mums but also those dads who have had to face their female abusers and managed to successfully keep their children .

    Being a parent isn't always the easy going thing but it's down to us to teach and show our children that there's always a right way to live instead of wrong and they in turn fingers crossed will pass it all down to their future children. 

  I tend to believe that the behaviour from a domestic abuser is learnt growing up , if that's all they've witnessed then that's all they know ( I certainly think that's the case with my now ex ) . If a child sees an adult throwing a temper tantrum to get their own way or having a violent crazy hissy fit and it gets the end expected result why can't they do it too ?....( 2yr olds not included because its all a part of their learning ) .

   I remember very well being taught by my mum when I was growing up to always have good manners , always be polite and to always show respect and this I'd like to think I've passed down to my children (they thankfully take more after me than their father ) , it's a parents responsibility to teach their children how to be a good person . Saying please or thank you should come naturally but not to those that abuse , they say it but through gritted teeth or with a sarcastic smile to go along with it and never is it meant the way it should be .

   It's completely up to the individual parent but showing the next future generation good life lessons is entirely up to the adults living that life now , it's was never meant to be an easy life because if it was like that then it wouldn't take so long to live it but we can at least make that journey a little bit easier for them .

   Yes , there are many amazing Fathers , Aunts , Foster parents , Adoptive parents, older brothers or sisters who stand in to be a " mother figure " and they do an outstanding job so they too should never be forgotton on a day like today , why not simply give them a call , a text or a visit to remind them that you appreciate everthing they have done .

     This mother's day ( or any other day come to  think of it ) never forget who it was that brought you into this crazy world , who it was that first held you in their arms and who will always be your mother no matter what you may decide to do in your life .

  I don't and won't ever pretend to be the worlds greatest mother because I know I'm not but I'd like to think I've not done a bad job considering what I've had to deal with , no-one gets a guide book when a child is born ( apart from the obvious baby books ) , every single child is completely different and a unique individual so it's down to what ever that child is taught by their parents .

   If you don't want that spoilt little rude beast as a child then it's up to you to prevent it and if you don't want that child to become just like their abusive parent then it's your responsibility to prevent it the best way you can .

  Granted all of the above may sound easy and please believe me when I say it isn't but just because it isn't always that simple doesn't mean to say you can't try , without any guidance that child could turn completely wild with no care or thought for others around them . The domestic abusers of this world are all great examples of exactly what you wouldn't want your child to be like . I don't know about everyone else but I most deffinatly don't want to be my children's bad excuse when they have grown up as to why they feel the need or want to lash out or threaten someone else .

  Every photo used today are my own and all grown in my garden , some from seed , some from cuttings and some brought but all are what they are because of the care I have put into raising and growing them . I've taken that responsibility to grow them and they in turn have repaided me ( and all the variouse insects and bee's) by blooming with all their various glorious colours in order for me to sit back with my usual cup of tea to enjoy the show . 

  

   Your children are just like those flowers in my garden , they need your help and constant guidance in order to become that perfect , strong beautiful flower that you want them to be ......

   

     

   

   

   

   

  

   

   

  

Countdown to positivity.

 

28 years of suffering domestic abuse was more than enough for me thank you very much and those years as I've said many times before I will never get back .....

 Wasted years they may of been for me but on the positive side they were certainly educational and without them I most deffinatly wouldn't be the person I find myself to be today .

 Whilst I'm putting a positive spin on my own individual past eventful life let's use those years constructively by finding 28 reasons to be content in life after escaping from the nightmare of domestic abuse . I present my reasons to be cheerful countdown......... 

                        ⭐️  28 ⭐️

   That first overwhelming delicious exceptional feeling when the overpowering heavy weight of domestic abuse becomes lifted from your shoulders . 

                         ⭐️  27 ⭐️

  The discovery that actually you should be encredibly proud of yourself for taking that life changing leap to freedom. 

                       ⭐️  26  ⭐️

  Proving to yourself and others that regardless of what you may of been told or believed you are actually a pretty bloody brilliant human being .

                        ⭐️  25 ⭐️

 As the saying  goes " What doesn't kill you can only makes you stronger " and you are now fully qualified as an all powerful superhero who can overthrow any enemy .

                       ⭐️  24 ⭐️

  Fully congratulate yourself and celebrate making that first all important original decision to break away because you totally deserve it .

                        ⭐️ 23 ⭐️

  From now on start to enjoy every single moment of your newly found freedom , it's a wonderful life so why not live it in style .

                         ⭐️ 22 ⭐️

  Never worry that your friends or family have given up on you , they have always been there in the background somewhere waiting to be there for you when you are ready to need it .

                         ⭐️ 21 ⭐️

  Always from now on believe in yourself and the decisions you decide to make. Some may seem a crazy at the time but sometimes the crazy ones are more fun .

                       ⭐️  20 ⭐️

  Learn to trust again , where's theres that one idiot person who will abuse Your trust there's another fifty that won't. 

                       ⭐️ 19 ⭐️

  Never give up on the dream of loving someone again , there's no rush and sometimes good things are worth waiting for .

                         ⭐️ 18 ⭐️

  If you have shared children with an abuser never forget children are a lot stronger than you think they are , yes they may need a little help along the way but they are tough cookies really .

                         ⭐️ 17 ⭐️

  Every abused victim has a story to tell so if it helps why not write it all down somewhere . It can be just a personal diary of events or a shared thing . 

                        ⭐️ 16 ⭐️

 Learn well from the period of your domestic abuse , use what you've learnt to your advantage and benefit from the strength it can give .

                          ⭐️ 15 ⭐️

 Never spend long periods of time looking back because you've already been there once , always focus on looking forward .

                         ⭐️ 14 ⭐️

 Never be afraid of the path your taking in life , if your not happy with the route your taking you can always change direction .

                        ⭐️ 13 ⭐️

  If you don't like the story in your book of life then just simply turn the page to start a brand new exciting adventure. 

                          ⭐️ 12 ⭐️

  If your day feels like its full of dark unforgiving storm clouds don't forget sometimes you need that rain to make a beautiful rainbow .

                         ⭐️ 11 ⭐️

 Those that domestically abuse others are nothing but big bullies and those same bullies are nothing but cowards really .

                          ⭐️ 10 ⭐️

  Enjoy your life once free from domestic abuse because you only get one go at it , life is far too short to get it wrong .

                          ⭐️ 9 ⭐️

  Always try to remain true to yourself , believe in your dreams and one day they might come true .

                             ⭐️ 8 ⭐️

  Look all around you and learn to appreciate just how amazing even the simplist little things in life can be .

                             ⭐️ 7 ⭐️

  Never be scared to open that box of new adventures , whatever may be in that box could be positively life changing .

                              ⭐️ 6 ⭐️

 Allow yourself to have those days that just feel cloudy or glum and cry if you need to , tomorrow will always be a better day .

                              ⭐️ 5 ⭐️

 Don't ever believe you can't survive without the one that's domestically abusing , you are far more stronger than you ever think yourself to be.

                              ⭐️ 4 ⭐️ 

 Never say never in life , life can be full of endless enjoyable surprises so why not enjoy them .

                              ⭐️ 3 ⭐️

A smile costs you nothing so why not making it your mission to share a smile a day to someone who may need it .

                              ⭐️ 2 ⭐️

Always remember that if you've grown this far after domestic abuse then just keep on going , never stop .

                             ⭐️ 1 ⭐️

  This is the most important and the top scoring positive thing in life , Never ever stop being the person you are today , always believe in your own actions . You have an important part to play in your life story so why not shine like the star that you are  !!!!!

                      ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

       

 

  

  

 

  

 

  

  

   

  

  

 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

How does your garden grow ?

 

After escaping from domestic abuse comes the almighty feeling of having a massive heavy weight lifted from your shoulders.......

   Once the burden has finally been removed the next bit is total panic !!! Why the panic ?....

  Realility kicks in, and you realise that yes you may be a free person but then what hell do you do next ?....

  

   You just stop ✋️,  then sit down and relax because you've just achieved a seriously major thing and the hardest part has just been done .  Whilst your catching your breath write down any questions you may need to ask to people who can help you and then search online for the contacts your going to need .

   I'd love to be able to write down all the brilliant groups and their phone numbers but unfortunatly different countries have different help- lines . Don't ever let the thought of starting that search scare you because once you either write that first Email or dial that first number everything just seems to become a whole lot easier as you go along .

   Think of it like the seasons changing , here in England we are really close to the beginning of Spring , the birds are waking up early and showing off with their morning songs and there's a few signs that the plants in my garden are slowly reaching their way up towards the sun .   

  Just like those newly emerging fresh shoots those first few days or weeks after breaking free for the abuse survivor can be a bit unnerving but it's now its nothing but constant  new strong growth . 

    I love watching how my plants seem to know exactly when it's time to restart their life , they take a slight risk everytime but as yet have never got it wrong or failed to amaze me with their colourful flowers ( the bees seem to appreciate it too ) , My job in their future life is  to make sure they don't become smothered by the overpowering weeds that want to turn everything ( just like the domestic abusers of this world ) .

  Yes this enormously positive optimistic thinking person is getting totally excited about all the fun and games awaiting me in the next coming months , I'm already mentally planning which plants will go where and will I have enough room to cram a few more in somewhere , there's the heaverly  anticipated heavenly fishing trips to look forward to and the odd random trip to the coast with vague excuses that it was a really good excuse to get some decent proper fish and chips .

    There's a glowing warm future just waiting for all domestic abuse survivors and trust me it's well worth the lost time that was spent trying to make do with what could be scrapped together when with an abuser . You all know how many ridicules years I wasted of my now much valued life in trying to live a life where I never really existed , those years I will never get back or repair damage done during them but the one most all important thing I can now do is share my story , support anyone that may need it and encourage others to go out there and enjoy what the world has to offer .

   

 I'm ever hopeful my positivity about life is highly contagious , I'll keep on posting about how outstanding life can be after domestic abuse and maybe fingers crossed I'm sparking something in someone elses mind that will take away those horrendous dark clouds that come with domestic abuse , the abused are never the crazy dreamers but the abused most certainly are .

  No one ever has the right to overtake , control or dominate another persons life and just like those weeds that try to raise their ugly little heads in my garden the good postives in life will over-rule them if needed .

    I think I've spoken before about the beautiful and perfect simple little Dandelion plant before , many see it as an over powering annoying weed but I don't, I see it as an amazing splash of much needed colour after winter and its also acts as one of the first ports of call for the Bumble bees that have newly awoken in my gardening world it has as much right to grow and live its life as another plant .  Just as the old saying goes " A weed is only a weed because its in the wrong place " ( that to a certain  point includes Domestic abusers ) .  If that humble bright sunshine yellow Dandelion can have such an amazing part to play in life then why can't any survivor of domestic abuse ?...

    Your absolutely right there is no reason why not .

     Life is never always easy ( and I wouldn't expect it to be either ) but it's what you put into it that really counts , if you insist on planting weeds then you'll never get the beauty of seeing nice flowers . 

   Those that domestically abuse only have weeds in their life and they will try to go out of their way to spread those weeds , they are the one's that waste their whole existence in a weed infested garden . 

 Now the next question is what do you want your garden to be like ?....

     My garden is as I now am and thats full of life  , regrowth and endless possibilities , any possible weeds that are there is because I decided they could be there and just like Mr Blackbird that's the very first to start his song in the morning I'm hoping to shout out to the world that this domestic abuse survivor is extremly proud to still be able to exist !!

  I remember all to well when someone else tried to rule my life and it was me that made that all powerful life changing decision to be my own boss in life and to de-weed my garden  .

   Never forget that just like any really good keen gardener everyone has the ability to adapt and change their garden in what ever way they see fit  , they decide on what goes where and whether to keep those cheerful Dandelion's . 

  

  

   

  

  

   

   

  

Not Guilty.

  

Anyone that's been involved in any of the many forms of domestic abuse will at some point get all the blame thrown in their direction.....

 Nothing of course is the abusers fault or at least not in the eye of the abuser anyway and that's just yet another totally frustrating aspect of dealing with the world of domestic abuse. 

 Why abusers refuse to accept the blame for their own actions or ever except maybe just maybe their not as perfect as they like to think themselves to be is any ones guess .

Walking away from the darkness that is domestic abuse is hard enough but then you also become the innocent guilty party ( which doesn't make any sense at all really does it ?..) Abusers are experts in reversing all the blame and they will stand there hand on heart , tears in their eyes and wearing a deeply hurt expressions pleading their case and in some extreme cases they even try to blame their victim of domestic abuse . 

   Being blamed for past events is something that I'm fully qualified in , everything during my 28yrs in my past domestic abuse story has been spun , twisted and completely manipulated into a heart breaking sob story full of dramatic woe-is-me tales that is told by my now ex-abuser , some of it involves me having continuous affairs ( only slightly difficult considering I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or talk to anyone else ) and of course everything else was just rubbish I had either made up or lied about .

  One thing I've always prided myself in is my honesty about my abuse , I've gone out of my way to make it all sound as undramatic as possible ( only because I feel there's considerably worse cases out there ) and I've never fluffed it up or tried to make it fancy , I've never wanted others sympathy and I certainly don't speak about it or write about it to grab any attention . My original decision to put my experience down somewhere was a purely selfish action so I could put all of my crazy mixed up thoughts down somewhere in order to de-fuzz the crazy mixed up thoughts that had been going around my head just like a washing machine on a big spin cycle . None of it may contain much highly valued content but what it does have is the unseen support and peace of mind it can offer to others who are unfortunate enough to find themselves in a similar position .

  Yes, I'll hold my hands up high and say that I wasted far to many years believing that everything was my fault and that I must be humberly grateful for everything my abuser had ever done for me but then I woke up to the reality and although I know I may not be perfect ( but who is ?) I now know I was never as " fat , ugly and useless " as I was led to believe I once was . This particular domestic abuse survivor now flatly refuses  to ever go back in a situation like that ever again .

   Call it what ever you like ( but brain washing comes to mind ) domestic abusers will always use anything or anyone to reach their intended target and they will use whatever it takes to portray themselves as the innocent party .

  So we've now established that the abuser isn't quite as pure and innocent as they make themselves out to be and that they can become highly impressive Oscar award winning actors/actresses but that still doesn't stop the abused victim feeling guilty. 

              

                     Why feel guilty?....

Because the poor victim has had so many of their various normal logical thoughts and feelings mashed , squashed and smashed into submission. 

 Time is a most marvellous magical healer and over time the damage is slowly repaired ( maybe not 100% but enough to survive anyway ) . You start seeing the different colours in life and not just the endless shades of dismal grey , and the discovery that the whole blame lays in only one person's hands and that person is most positively not and never will be the abused victim .

 Without question all domestic abusers are guilty of all crimes commited !!!!

   Anyone that has ever read further into any of my other posts will know by now that I've already covered the whose to blame thing before but  it's a subject that needs to sometimes be repeated because that over powering feeling of guilt can't just disappear overnight . Maybe my endless words of not so important wisdom on my variouse posts are not bursting full of useful information but what they are overflowing with is my truthful experience of domestic abuse and that not only have I been there , seen it and done it but I've also most successfully survived the whole experience .

  There's endless emotions that connect with domestic abuse and most are not always the greatest , some are highly unpleasant and some can wipe away a person's very inner soul but never forget these emotions can always be detached and replaced with brand new and even better ones once the abuser has been evicted or left . 

  Never let those somtimes heavy feelings of guilt of " was it really me ? " overtake you or smother you because none of it is true , there's a ridiculous amount of confusion , uncertainty and answerable questions superglued to domestic abuse and I gave up long ago attempting to answer most of them .

  There is one true answer I can give and that's  a gigantic massive big NO !!!!  no-one else is ever guilty other than the abuser when it comes to domestic abuse  .

  Granted It can be a bit of a bit of a tricky thing to prove to anyone else but the most important thing is that the ones that have been abused start to believe that they are the innocent party and none of it was their fault no matter what they may of been told  .

 The common factor in domestic abuse is the abuser and their actions , they decided to make the decision to abuse someone , they hit out either emotionally or physically and they made it their mission to attempt to control another human beings life so how does that all become the abused victims fault ? ...

      If your having those " it wasnt me , was it ?  " thoughts or any other of those self doubt moments creeping in then please take my advice and don't ever believe any of it !!!

  

   

   

   

  

 

As time goes by ....

 

Domestic abuse in any of its numerous horrendous forms is just like waiting for a time bomb explosion to go off at any given moment....

   Those of us who have either been there or are still goimg through it will know exactly what I mean by time bomb , it can go off without any form of warning, and there's never any time to prevent or protect against injury . The human time bomb will then, when all is calm once again turn around and blame the abused victim for the actions they have just used against them .

    Why ?......

Because obviously, nothing is ever their fault of couse ( and never expect an apology for it either ).

   I'm a massive firm believer in that Life is far too short to get it wrong and that you only get one go at it , I personally now flatly refuse to waste anymore of my much valued years left on this earth . You all should know my domestic abuse story by now ( if not then I suggest you read a few of my posts at the begining of all of this ) and I'm the first to hold my hand up high and declare how totally stupid I was staying in that relationship for as long as I did , it's unbelievable now to think about how many years I wasted on someone and something where any ideas of contentment or happiness on my side were never allowed .  As I've said many times before the only worthwhile things I ever gained from that whole time period were my three children and it never ceases to impress me on how reasonably level headed they have all ended up .

  Time is something no-one can afford to waste in life , I may not be able to get the time back I lost but I sure as hell can make up for it all now !!!

   If I'm asked to go out for a good night out at a local pub then I'll do my very best to get there and whilst I'm at it I'll wear whatever I want and talk to whoever I want .  If I suddenly decide to wake up at stupid o'clock on the morning , load up all the fishing gear and sit by a lakeside waiting for the fish to bite then I absolutely will because its my choice and no-one else's on what I now decide to spend my time doing . 

  

   Time may be just a short four letter word but to me it's a bit of an endless full of experiences type of thing , I try not to waste any time and I try to do at least something with it no matter how small that something might be .  

  Writting these posts isn't always a simple case of just sitting down , typing out all the words , chucking in a few pictures and then downloading it all . It most often can start with just one simple basic idea and then over the length of the day that one singular idea then begins to grow . All of the day that growing idea will be developing untill I think I might have a decent amount to work with , some cases ( especially if I'm sat at a lakeside totally chilled out ) the words just all seem to know what to do by themselves , where to go and which ever it is at the time I then put it all down ...... no time wasted and it's all being used I'd like to think constructively ☺️ .

  Think of life being like one of those sand hourglass things , very very slowly over a long period of time that sand will slowly fall away . There not a lot you can do to stop it but its what you cram into those moments before they disappear that really counts . Yes can always turn that hourglass over but you still get exactly same amount of sand to play with .

   Those that domestically abuse others are the one's that seem to insist on wasting what precious time they have on making life as as unpleasant as possible for others and then means they are losing grains of sand even faster because of all their pent up aggression and negativity . 

  Can you slow slow down the movement of that sand ebbing away ?......

  Maybe but it's all down to the individual. 

You'll never be able to stop it happening but what you can do is to try to pack as much fun , laughter , love and positivity into everything you do so that you don't notice where the sand is all going and you don't lose any time looking for it either .

   My sand I think is about half way done ( not in a negative way but a realistic one ) , I'm not a young energetic 19 year old anymore and there's  some days that my poor old body complains about things but it's not going to ever stop me filling my days , enjoying life or wasting any more time being true to myself .

   Want some proof on my refusal to grow old gracefully ?....

  I'm the grand owner of an electric scooter  !!!!!

  It might scare the hell out of me sometimes as I hang on to it with sweaty palms but the more I use it the more fun and giggles I'm having 🤣 .

  I decided long ago that the sand in my hourglass of life is neon coloured with added sparkles , its my sand so its entirely up to me how and what I decide to do with it .

  

 Never allow someone else to control or manipulate your valuable time om this earth , If you don't like the way things are going then why not change it , there is and only ever really will be just one person who has the right to control the the way you live your life and that that one singular special sensational superfantastic person is...........YOU !!!!