Never Give up .

 

 

Domestic abuse am I pr was I ever scared of it ?  I used to be but not anymore ............

   I was having a nice couple of drinks with some friends the other afternoon (something that would have been totally out of the question with my ex ) and one turned out to be an old neighbour from years ago so we ended up having a great amazing catch up  .

 This lovely ex neighbour remembered me being with my now ex and asked where he was , I explained that I had no idea and didn't care where he was or what the hell he was up to , that I hadn't been with him for a good few years now and as the drinks began to flow I explained more in detail .

 I spoke about everything just as I always do when writting these posts . Like I've said before I'm more than happy to talk about it and share my story to anyone that asks or wants to listern and I don't hold back with any of the information either ( yes the regular emotional blackmailed rape is included in the conversations too  ) .

 One very interesting thing that they mentioned to me was that although at the time I had lived in that particular road for just over 5 yrs and they recognised me straight away and knew my name but they said that they had never once met or spoken a single word to my ex . 

  This speaks volumes about how anti social a domestic abuser can really be . How can you live somewhere for years and not know or have any communication with any of your own close neighbours ? 

 It used to be one of those really nice lovely friendly roads where everyone knew each other , they helped each other out when it was needed and the children all knew and went to school together .

 But no the ex just hid himself away from all of this in his own special secret little barricaded Fort where in his small little mind he was the great all powerful master of everything and everyone .

One question I was asked by the neighbour   was am I not worried or concerned about what my ex would do or say if he ever found out what I was telling people ?.....

My answer was a massive great big NO !!!!! 

Why would I be worried about something that I didn't do ? I wasn't the abuser and  I've done nothing wrong . Why should I be scared of someone who isn't even man enough to offer any apologies to those he might hurt along the way .

 If the ex doesn't like what I'm saying or doing then that's his tough luck because he shouldn't have done it all in the first place . 

Abusers are nothing but big overgrown school bullies really and if someone bigger comes along the abuser can have a habit of then turning into nothing but a pathetic little shaking cowards .

They are the ones that should be worried not the ones they have abused . 

No I'm not and never will be worried or concerned because I now as I've said before now kick arse back and I won't ever let anyone try to take over or control my life again . If what I say or write isn't liked by the ex ( thats if he ever finds it or hears it of course ) then that's his problem not mine and at least what I'm saying is the truth and nothing like one of his many lies or over dramatic story's he likes to tell .

People who know me know me well and if they don't know me and chose to believe the ex then I don't want to know them and I dont care , its that simple .     

    Who or what others decide to believe is entirely up to them and which ever direction they decide to go is up to them too .  

 One other thing that I get mentioned to me occasionally is that I'm brave or inspirational to others for doing this but I disagree  and I honest don't think that I am , I'm just simply giving myself counselling or self help therapy as I go along and I have to say its all been going pretty good so far thank you very much 😊 .

I'm just putting out there all the crazy mixed up thoughts and feeling  that had been festering inside my head for years and to those that read or listern to me I owe a great deal of thanks to because I couldn't do any of it without you all . 

  To all those who have either been there like myself or are still battling agaist domestic abuse please never forget that you can honestly survive it and live your free life once again .

 I intend to keep on telling my story to others and to keep on going with these various posts because it's you guys out there that are helping me to help others and I couldn't do any of it without all your much needed and deeply valued support .

  

I know some just read blogs and then find something else afterwards without wanting or needing to follow people but there are also fellow victims out there who just quietly read and think " oh ..that's just like me but I'm not ready to admit it out loud yet " ( I know that feeling all too well because I was once like that ) .

 If you are one of those fellow silent victims then please follow and we can walk the road of recovery together . Check out my profile to to find my Blog email if anyone needs to scream , shout or swear about anything , all contact will remain 100% confidential . 

 There really is I promise a better life after domestic abuse and it really is honestly totally outstanding !!!!!

 

  

               

  

 

 

  

  

  

  

  

 

Abuse questions .

 

Domestic Abuse comes with a hundred questions attached so let's try to answer just a few .............

What are just some of the many differant types of Domestic abuse ?....

Physical abuse

Sexual abuse

Emotional abuse

Financial abuse

Narcissistic abuse

Coercive abuse

Gaslighting abuse

 

There's many other types but these are just the first ones that sprung to my mind . 

All of the above are horrendous and just plain soul destroying .  

 No-one has the right to do any of the above to someone else who they are supposed to care about .

All can of course be escaped from when the time is right .

          Chances of recovery = 100%

        -------------------------------------------------

What are some of the warning signs of a domestic abusive person ?...... 

Jealousy 

Possessiveness 

Controlling behavour

Impossible expectations

Isolating another person

Passing on the blame to others

Being hypersensitive 

Speedy involvement

Again there are many more to add but all have their own major red flags 🚩🚩

 If you spot any of these in someone then my suggestion is to avoid them at all costs before it overtakes your life .

All as a rule it starts without you even realising what's happening , by the time you do work out that something isn't quite right your already being smothered by it .

          Chances of recovery =100%

          ----------------------------------------

What are the worst things you can say to an abuser ?......

No 

Stop playing the victim 

Your not listening 

Your being a bully 

It's your fault not mine 

Life is'nt just all about you

I've had enough I'm leaving

All can be said if your feeling brave enough but there will be consequences attached for daring to do so . Always look out for any consequence for your actions .

Escaping from the situation can be done .

       Chances of recovery =100%

      

             ---------------------------------------

What are some of the signs of emotional abuse ?.......

Putting you down in front of others

Trying to humiliate you in front of others

Trying to embarrass you in front of others.

Using eveything and anything to make you feel bad about yourself.

Having negative opinions about everything you do or say . 

I know all to well about the above and even more was thrown in my direction on a regular basis . 

In a very bazaar way its like making you feel small makes them feel bigger .

         Chances of recovery = 100%

           ----------------------------------------

What can trigger Domestic abuse ?......

When the abuser can't get their own way .

When they feel their self image is under threat .

When they feel they are being criticised. 

When they feel they are being neglected.
When they sense it that someone else can pick up on their bad behavour.

When they are asked to apologise for something they have done .

This is yet another one of those lists that could just go on and on and on . Abusers hate being made to feel inadequate so will go out of their way to make sure they are the most important person in anyone life and they dont really seem to care how they get there .

            Chances of recovery = 100%

As you can proberly tell by now the whole subject about domestic abuse is full of endless questions that don't really have decent enough answers ( some questions can never be answered ) ,  but all can have a 100% chance of a full recovery once you've broken away from it .

The biggest question is.......

   

why do abusers do what they do ?....

 

and this is one of those things that will unfortunately never have a good enough answer . 

Why would anyone feel the need to dish out form's of emotional and/or physical abuse to someone their meant to love and care for ?...

Is it just that they haven't yet grown out of their toddler terrible two phase and now like getting their own way in life a little too much.

Or maybe their brains are just completly wired up differently to everyone else's and in their minds it's the rest of us that are just crazy dreamers and not them at all .

   There is and never will be a good enough excuse or reason for anyone to treat someone else to any form of domestic abuse !!!! 

 Abusers will never apologise for their own actions ( some might but it's never truly meant ) and they will never take full responsibility for them either . 

Abusers in their own mind are never wrong so therefore they can't see what their doing is wrong . They seem to think in their mind that everything that is done is perfectly acceptable behavour so whats the problem .

Personally no I don't think I'll ever find all the answers to the endless questions but it won't stop me from reaching out to try to help others .

 If anyone needs any moral support after first breaking away from domestic abuse then you will be able to find my Blog email in my profile  as you can tell I may not have all the answers but at least I can be there just like a friend .  Any communication will of course be kept totally confidential .

Please feel free to express your options , more questions or even maybe answers but try to remember before you do that some of those answers are really only nothing more but excuses for an abusers bad behavour and that when you try to answer any you may discover there's more questions than answered. 

  If you look I have always put a chance of recovery = 100% after each major question and that's because absolutly big time it can be done , OK yes it may take a while and your brain can get seriously muddled at times but if I can move on after my 28yr domestic abusive imprisonment then honestly yes anyone can ,  there is only one person stopping you at the end of the day and that's you !!

 

 

  

  

The calm after the storm .

 

Domestic abuse victims can't always see it at the time but......... 

 These wise words above were once said by Mother Teresa and she certainly had a really good point . 

A smile can be the first thing you always greet someone with when you meet them and I'm a firm believer you should always pass a smile on to someone else who may need it . 

 As you can proberly gather from the photos  used ( all my own and taken today ) I'm back  to one of my happy places fishing again and what a simply perfect day to pick to do it  . As I'm sat here in beautiful early morning sunshine with my first of many endless cups of tea ( and waiting for my bacon sandwich to arrive ) , I can hear Robins , Chiff Chaffs , Canada geese , Sparrow's singing their hearts out and in the distance there's a Woodpecker doing its thing . The various wildlife I've seen or heard whilst waiting for the fish in the past have included grass snakes swimming across the water , brilliant blue flashes of kingfishers , mice and even owls calling as the light begins to slowly fade and its always worked to keep me chilled out and relaxed . 

 What's there not to smile and be happy  about ? .....

I remember those days of domestic abuse all too well when life wasn't nearly as easy going as it is now , there were days where I used to seriously wonder if life was even worth waking up to in the morning . Every single day involved an extremely carefully mastered and well used action plan involving doing everthing I was told or controlled to do in order to just keep the peace and calmness going for as long as I possibly could  . 

  Basically it was a case of being seen but never heard and jumping into which ever fire pit was requested at the time regardless of whatever pain it could create and just keep on being the performing monkey that I become over the years .

  Smiling , being happy and actually enjoying myself was of course never an option .

Weekends or holidays could be the worst occasions because it meant it was just me , my now ex and the kids and there was no one else for him to perform his favourite act of being  " a genuine really nice guy " to .

  I would just simply go straight into auto pilot self protection mode where I would just simply stay quite , make his coffee and try to create what ever food was demanded .

Walking on egg shells or thin ice became a perminate daily event and a volcanic super sized eruption could be expected to happen at any random given opportunity so I learnt over time to always be on my guard .

  Yes as I've said before we did have the odd good day but I never really totally trusted them .  Abusers seem to only recharge themselfs with anything that's negative and being positive about something only seems to drain away their charge away even more quickly .

There would certainly have never ever been any totally ridiculous just sitting around a lakeside watching the world go by or waiting for the fish to catch the bait .... Nope that would have been considered far to much of a good thing so we just had to sit and enjoy watching what ever football match that happened to be on instead or whatever playstion game was being played ( both with added swearing at any given opportunity ) .

A really good question is.....does fishing mean that I am harming or abusing the fish in any way just like the abusers of this world do to others  ?....

 

         Not when I do , it absolutly never . 

  Any fish caught are simply just reeled in , seen how heavy it could be , the traditional photos taken and then they are placed very carefully back in to the lake so they can happily swim away again to live another day and they are never ever taken back home ( its more about the actual catching of the fish rather than the eating of it ) .

I'm a big major being outside kind of person I guess ( but you've already worked that one out already )  and all the peace , calmness and tranquility I can find there , not being shut up inside for me is just completly priceless for me and I dont think I could ever deal with an office type job .

Mother Nature has always been my place to go to place during good or bad times , when ever things got far to much to bare I could always be found somewhere else outside even if it meant I was just doing a bit of gardening in the pouring rain or cutting branches off a tree in blazing hot sunshine .

 My day today started with a great big smile full of anticipation for the day ahead and even if it looks like the weather could change at any given moment I don't care , I will remain smiling and being content with the world all day long because this domestic abuse survivor now fully appricates every single day she's lucky enough to be given 😊

I mean just really take a good look at the pictures used here and then tell me its all not worth it ( all taken by myself ) .

How can you possibly not help being happy and totally enjoying the whole amazing and outstanding day when theres scenery like this out there to make you appreciate absolutly everything ?.....

It never ceases to impress me on just how totally brilliant it is when your watching the seasons slowly change and the all the colours it can give you completly free of charge .

 I'll admit it..... I'm nothing but an utter and complete outside addict and proud of it !!!

  

 

 

  

  

Lies

 

A domestic abuser hates anyone telling them a possible lie but they are the worse offender for doing it...........

 

Abusers absolutely hate lies... fact !!!

  They choose to not to want to believe a single word anyone tells them and if what they are told later gets proven to be the truth and factual then they will just simply become very vocal about the person who was talking to them stating that they are nothing but an attention seeker or their were exaggerating about everything they had said .

  If you tell an abuser it's due to rain at some point that day be prepared to have at least 5 weather reports , a rain gauge and a rather nifty and convenient weather forcaster in your pocket as proof , You will still not actually be believed untill it totally  hammers it down relentlessly for hours and even then they will declare its not really raining but its just very heavy dew instead .

Abusers seem to have a natural or rather should I say unnatural ability to disbelieve every single word they are told .

Abusers will react to any lie told as if it were a major horrific crime scene , they will become all dramatic and deeply offended ,

 sometimes just sometimes a little white lie has to be told in order to keep a secret ( think Christmas or birthday surprises ) but even that can be held and used against you when they decide to create yet another argument or its used as blackmail in order for them to get whatever it is they want .

  

You can try to lie to an abuser but I would never recommend  it . They will grill and interrogate you always trying to catch you out at every single turn and if once after you get found out ( no matter how small or insignificant that little white lie could be ) then you will be sentanced and condemned to either a massive temper explosion or a long term spell of the big dreaded killer Silence .

You will be labelled and confirmed as a well known lying traitor and you will instead get upgraded to being an perminate mentally unstable offender ( had that one thrown in my direction loads of times ) and you should never be trusted by anyone ever again . Yet they will then tell their version of overdone and dramatic lies in order to get others to believe its not their fault but all yours instead for lying .

 Abusers however can tell as many lies as they feel fit no matter how extreme that lie might be and if proven to be a lie they will then become all intensively offended on why you didn't believe them in the first place and then try to blame you for making them having to tell the lie in the first place .

 Their don't seem to have the intelligence to even make their own lies realistic enough to want to be believed sometimes or their theory is that if its not mentioned then therefore it never happened and nobody saw or even heard it and if you challenge what they may of said guess what can happen ?......

Yep you then get accused of telling lies .

My now ex very kindly informs others that I was the one having an affair ( not true ) and that's why we separated but what he fails to mention was his constant abuse , his need to conrol over everthing or the fact he had been on a dating website for at least 6 months before it all happened . 

Meanwhile he of course portrays himself out to be the total and complete innocent party who would never hurt a fly .

Domestic abusers are very good at sometimes adapting or extending a lie ,

The story my now ex used to love to tell was when he was once with his now ex wife , he said he caught a man he didn't know walking out the main door to the block of flats they used to live in , this story grew into an epic novel over the 28 years I was with him for .

  The story changed from the main door to their own front door and then it became he actually caught both of them sitting in the sofa together as he walked in after work one day and so the story just kept on growing untill it became that they were obviously having an affair and doing all sorts of other stuff whilst he wasn't there ( apprently he knew that they had been in the bed because the bedding had been changed that day  ) .

 I should imagine similar stories are being told about me now .

 What I've never really understood is why is it so criminal for others to lie to them but its fine for them to do it to other people  ?.....

  It's yet another of the many questions I can't and never will be able to answer about abusers and what they do  .

  Abusers don't seem to know how to treat other people the way they would wish to be treated themselves ,  they just do what ever they they want , when ever they want and to to who ever they want without caring who or what gets in their way and there can be all sorts of chaos if it doesn't happen .

 

They will attempt to get out of any awkward situation they might find themselves in and if all else fails they will put their mask on to do the very one thing that they apprently dispise the most..........they just simply lie their way out if it  .

 The most frustrating thing is domestic abusers are incredibly good at what they do when it comes to telling a lie , they will do the classic sad wide eyed innocent puppy dog look  and then simply just lie away . 

I know a case where the particular person involved was ( still is I'm sorry to say )

is so good at what they do that they have most successful managed to get themselves rehoused not just once but twice claiming the domestic abuse card when in fact they are the abuser in the first place  !!

   Lies can eventually get found out and so can abusers , my suggestion to you is if you have to listern to any from your abuser is just to smile sweetly , nod your head as if in agreement and understanding and just let it all just wash over you , they won't remember the lie they have just told so why should you ? ......

  

 

 

 

  

  

  

  

We all stand together.

 

Domestic abuse can only ever really be truly understood by those that have lived through it.....

 Escaping it isn't always easy but with support from others yes it can be done , just as there are hundreds out there living through the abusive nightmare right now there are equally hundreds who have survived it . Survivors know and understand about domestic abuse more than anyone else ever can , we have had our more than fair share of verbal , financial , emotional and physical abuse and some of us like myself share our stories to help others .

  

  Supporting fellow abuse victims is a subject very close to my heart ( in case its not be noticed yet ) and its one of my many reasons to keep writting after I first tried putting my story down somewhere  .

 I am one of the lucky ones who managed to get out and survive it but there's even more out there who haven't and today I'm asking anyone who may read this ( and I know someone is somewhere ) to hold their hands up high and say  " Domestic abuse is wrong !!   I want to help too ". 

  Those still going through their abuse need those that have survived it to show that there really can be a better tomorrow and the bruises both inside and out will slowly fade and heal over time .  

 Abusers are positively vile horrendous individuals ( feel welcome to add your own swear word in here ) , they can be violent , they can  destroy a person's inner self belief ,  they can think they have the right to rape someone , they can lead someone to take their own life in dispare and in severe cases they can even end another persons life . 

Yes it might all sound at a bit dramatic but it's all true and a reality , it does and can happen to anyone .

 

 I've heard about some abusers using the mental heath card to their own advantage or even try using the victim card , some get found out and some just slip through the net and get away with it all . That's just how good they are at acting the innocent party and you will never really know who an abuser is unless your involved in it or trusted with the information .

  

There is a thing in England called Claires Law which basically means a person can check out another person to see if they have a police record for violence , this is a fantastic idea but I personally think its not just the possible new boyfriend/girlfriend that should be checked out  , I think all parties involved should get it done too so that both sides know exactly where they stand and it could protect a possible new victim especially if the abuser is hiding behind playing the innocent party . 

 I know of one case where the abuser plays the victim card and their possible new partners all have to get checked out everytime whilst they are free to keep doing what they do and get away with it everytime because they say it was all done in self defence  ...... shocking isn't it . 

  

  Let's be 100% honest here abusers are nothing but total nasty evil disgusting bullies , who or what gives them the right to do what they do to other people ? Do they really believe someone actually asks for what they do ? 

  Male,  female,  gay or straight they all seem to think it's a perfectly fine thing to do if life isnt going the way they want it to then it's OK  to turn into an adult sized spoilt 2yr old that can't get its own way . We've all seen those type of children and with parental supervision they learn to control their actions ,  but what can you do when it comes in an adult form ?

I'm now asking others to reach out and join in with me by showing support to those that may need it .

    Abused or not it doesn't really matter because my point is that together we can all in our own way show abuse victims there are really genuine nice people out there that listern , care and they can be trusted  .  

 When your being abused it can be a seriously dark and lonely place to be so why not help me to be there for other's . 

 My Email is at the bottom of my profile ( all scammers will not so politely be told where to shove their email if they dare try to send anything ) and I will answer as soon as I possibly can  .  Its just me , a hard working domestic abuse survivor and I give my word anything spoken about will be 100% totally confidential . 

  If your one of the ones who have read some , any or all of my stuff then please follow me or make a comment good or bad between us all we can make a major difference . 

 

Together we can help even if it's only in a small way,  I remember all too well how good it felt knowing there was someone out there when I needed it so let's be that safe special place for others . Knowing that I wasn't going complety insane and that I wasn't alone became my anchor whilst I was still drowning in my version of it .

   I've noticed that this can reach as far as the USA , Canada , France , Ireland , Germany and many other places so just imagine how many people we can reach out to and help between us all 🤔  

  Knowing that there are others out there to just be there can be the most valuable important thing to someone else so again I'm asking for all to be part of this fight back against domestic abuse . 

  Yes I know  its going to be a very long endless battle but I'll never stop fighting back against it after spending far too many years being involved in my own personal episode of it . All I ask is for others to show their support and to be there .

   We need to show all the abusers of this world that we are tougher and stronger than we look , we are not afraid of them and we will not accept their outrageous childish behaviour anymore . 

 Let's all  help put a stop to domestic abuse !!!!!

  

    

  

  

  

  

 

Negative emotions .

 

Those that decide to abuse others seem to be endlessly over- flowing with negativity.....

 Abuser's , narcissists or bullies ( pretty much one and the same thing really 🤔 ) they all don't seem to have the ability to have any positive emotions or feelings , everything in their tiny little world seems to be full of hate , anger , jealousy or just plain simple poisonous venom . 

Everything they seem to do in life has to be full of nasty comments , spitefulness , general hatred or even violence and it's yet another thing I've never worked out the answer to ( if anyone has any idea please feel free to make a comment ) .

   Controlling other people's lives seems to be their favourite occupation , they hate it if anyone else appears to be having all the fun or actually enjoying themselfs so they make it their mission in life to try to put a stop to all that silly stuff and nonsense .  In their blinkered little minds it's just others trying to show off and trying to be the centre of attention and they think all that ridiculous fun needs to be stopped as soon as possible . If they can't stop it happening at the time they will certainly save it all up and let everything erupt as soon as your back behind closed doors where noone else can see .

   Hating anything or anyone that might have some effect in their little universe is something their really good at , it can be a person , an animal , a random object , a shop or even just a program on the T.V ( or in my case the wrong football team winning the match )  , it all goes on their list of most hated things and it all becomes your fault . 

If your one of the lucky ones like myself who have managed to escape from an abuser then you suddenly jump straight to the top of their list of things that need to be despised . Personally I think I'm so high up on  my exs list of hated things that I don't think I'll ever need to worry about being overtaken by anything , In fact if your unlucky enough to ever meet said ex and ask I'd most likely be compared to something highly unpleasant that had just been trodden in .

   Jealousy is another negative emotion abusers are really good at , anything that might makes them feel neglected or threatened in any way can switch on their jealousy button .  It can be anything from someone simply just asking you what the time is in a shop to giving too much attention to your own children and its the ultimate crime if an unknown member of the opposite sex dares speak to you and you answer them in return . I once even had to break the news to my ex that no the nice young man serving me in the shop wasn't really flirting with me it's called good customer service and they do it to everyone else they serve !

 

  Their own personal insecurities shouldn't be shared with others , if they have issues stemming from their younger years or learnt behavour from parents or friends there's really no need to take it out on those that they are supposed care about . 

  Trying to control everything and anything someone else does isn't going to change a thing , all it is going to do however is create even more negative energy than there was before and make life even more unpleasant to those concerned , so what's the point ?

   As you've probably gathered by now I'm one of those really annoying optimistic positive thinking people , I like to share that good happy feeling around with others because that one small smile you give someone today might be the only one they get . I'm not and never will be a negative hate the world kind of person . I've seen and delt with an ugly , jealous ,  hate filled person and to my knowledge that same person is still just as bad as they always used to be . It's their choice on how negative and full of hatred or jealousy they want to be in their life but my world is now a much bigger  , brighter and better place without them being in it .

  I now make my own free choices ( granted not always the wisest ones ) and if I make a few mistakes along the way then again it's my choice . I won't ever blame anyone else for my own actions like an abuser can do , I will ever force someone else to do something they don't want to do and most importantantly I will never take any aggression out on anyone else . 

  Abusers will do or say anything that causes pain to someone else , they don't seem to have any empathy , compassion or consideration for others , there is only one person who is right in the centre of their world and that's themselves and they don't appreciate anyone or anything getting in their way .

  

The above makes really good sense to me  , it's a complete and utter waste of time and energy trying to win with an abuser whilst your still with them , all they will do is continually move the goal posts . Just when you think your getting there they change their rules or upgrade them to another even higher level . 

   It's after you gain your freedom that you realise just how much you've lost in yourself and its then that you let good old Karma do its thing . Abusers will never change even if they say differently , they will take their nasty little habits with them where ever they go and try to use them on someone else . One day they will try to do it on the wrong not so easy to control person and that person might just not be as kind as you may be  .

  

 

   

   

   

   

  

   

 

Taking one step .

 

Taking that first step even if you don't know the whole staircase..........

  Making that very first all important decision to break away from an abuser isn't always easy and you can only do it when your good and ready too , It can be done because I once had to climb those stairs to freedom myself a few years ago . I took each and every step up slowly and carefully untill finally I managed to get to where I am now in life .

 

 Escaping and breaking away from being abused like I've already said isn't always easy but yes it most deffinatly can be done , you have to be honest and open with those out there who that can and will help you .  It can sometimes  be a long path to travel but believe me it doesn't have to be ever walked alone and its worth every single step in the end , I was totally blown away by the amount of kind , helpfully and supportive people that helped me at the begining . Without their encouragement and pointing me in various differant directions for help I don't think I could have done half of what I'm doing now and I certainly wouldn't be the person I am today without them . 

   I wasted far too long being being blind to what was going on with my now ex abuser . Was I scared of him and what he was capable of doing or was I just so used to it I couldn't see what was happening to me anymore ?......

 Nope I don't know the answer to that one either but I knew one thing for sure and that was I couldn't keep letting it happen . 

Looking back now I just think I must of been such a total and complete muppet for allowing myself to fall into such a dark infested place for all that lengh of time but that's exacly what domestic abuse does to you and you end up stopping thinking logically . Your normal relatively sane brain turns into a mushy mess full of strange thoughts and bewilderment , the person you once were gets lost in it all and you forget who you once were . 

 Finally waking up one day ( and I mean from the abuse not in the morning )  is like having the lights suddenly all turned back on again when it's been dark for what seems like forever .  Everything just sort of falls into place , you see things so much clearer than you've ever seen them before and that inner strength/glow starts to slowly regrow back . 

That moment is your key to unlock your own door of domestic abuse and when it's open you can walk or rather run ( which ever cones first )  with your head held high and be proud of yourself .

 

  It's hard to explain exacly but it's a bit like not having that small missing bit of a jigsaw puzzle for ages and then one day suddenly finding it again .

 If you try to break away from it before your ready your more likely to keep losing that piece again and keep going back to look for it and only you can be in control of when that happens next when you find it again . 

     It's 100% true , everything will and can be o.k eventually , it might take a while to get there but yes of course you can do it .  

 It's a slightly scary process to begin with but worth every single second once you've done it . 

  If I can do it do can anyone else , its all about taking that first big step then each and every day taking one small step at a time .

Help is out there to guide and support you along the way when you need it and yes people will listern to you . These people will catch you and pick you up again if you fall , they will forgive if you get tempted back and most importantly help you again if you need it .

  For those that are still fighting the fight just hang on in there and start believing there is light at the end of your tunnel  . 

 Only you can start to change your stars  when your ready and when you finally make that decision then your future will be all yours and no-one else's . 

  Knowing that there are others out there that have been through similar can help give massive support to those that need it and that now is my soul purpose of doing all of this   

I've told my sad little story ( purely selfish reasons for that ) at the very begining and now I want to let the entire world know that domestic abuse in any form is wrong on so many endless levels .

 I refuse to let it be that quite elephant in the room that people try not to notice anymore , 

Yes it may not be a pleasant subject to discuss but how else can others learn from it and how can things ever change if no-one hears about it . 

 My abuse was all emotional and there's times I do wonder if I'll ever put what goes through my head sometimes about it all into some sort of vague order but then if I did manage to do that would I forget about my past events and if I forgot about those how could I be of any help to anyone else ?..... 

   My little world might be appear a bit unique to others  but I can at least now say with honest pride it's my own unique very special little world and no one else can or will ever control it again .

 Now its your turn to start believing in yourself and believing your worth it .

  Just say to yourself.....

   

  

  

  

 

 

  

Do you want to know a secret ?

 Domestic abuse has to be the biggest secret a person can ever keep ......

The abuser never talks about it or admits to doing it and the abused just keeps quiet about it .  Why keep quite ?  

     Because its quite simple you don't think anyone will believe a word you say or understand what it's like .

 Being abused isn't very pleasant ( please  note the understatement here ) and whilst it's happening  you tend to shut yourself off in your own little private world . 

You believe all the rubbish you are told by your abuser and you even start thinking and believing that maybe just maybe you do actually deserve all that's given to you .

 

  Why is domestic abuse not really spoken about ? 

   Because I think its not that others don't want to listern , it's more about that they don't like what they might hear what their being told . 

  No-one truly understands better about abuse than someone whose been there , seen it and done it and thats one of my many reasons for reaching out to others that have either gone through it or are still going through it . 

Are any of you out there being abused emotionally or physically ?  If your reading any of this stuff and you think... mmmmmm 

that sounds a bit like me 🤔  , then know there's always people out there ready to help when you really need it . There's loads of variouse online places you can check out or if your not quite ready to face the big outside world yet with it then you can always send an email to the email address at the bottom of my profile ( its only for this purpose and nothing more , any nuisance or scam emails will be not answered and promptly blocked ) I'll try to get back to anyone as soon as I can . 

  I'm not a business or a big company , it's just me and if it's that first reaching out place that can lead to great things then that's fantastic !  

I once spent 28 very long tough totally wasted years dealing with my now ex abuser , I never spoke to anyone about what was going on or what they were doing ....I just kept very quiet .

  Again why ? 

 Because I didn't think anyone else would understand and certainly not believe any of it . 

On the outside my ex came over as a completely different person , other people only saw that person that was wanted to be seen and not the nasty , spiteful , hurtful and manipulive person I saw every day behind closed doors .

  

   Now I count myself extremely lucky and I can shout about it out loud and I don't care who hears me , I think I've earnt the right to shout and write about it because I lived it and survived it .

 If it helps just that one person out there then it's all been worth it and mission accomplished and I will keep on shouting so others can hear .

  I've said it before , schools and work places should get people to come in to talk about domestic abuse because the subject shouldn't be kept quite . Why after hundreds of years of it happening isn't it being brought up as a subject to use to educate people with  ?

 

 I now talk openly about abuse on here , Facebook , Instagram , Quora and Thread , I refuse to be quiet about it anymore . I want others to communicate with me if they need to or they want to scream , shout or swear about it ( I'll most likely join in with the swearing  ) .

 Secrets aren't secrets if you tell ..... I only have one more very small tiny weeny secret I now keep about my abuse and its about doing all of this , No I'm not shy about it or embarrassed about it ( never would be ) but it's more about keeping that mini part of me just for those that really need it ( think Batman and his secret identity 🤔 ) .

  I may not have all the answers but at least I will listern , believe you and you can above all else trust me . All it can take is that one person to help open the door for someone else and that door could then lead to a whole new amazing adventure .

   If all of this shouting about abuse gets bigger ( please follow this to help ) then yes of course I will reveal to family and friends exactly what I've been up to and why but for the time being it's going to be my own secret personal mission to be there for other's . 

  I'm just one small gog in an even bigger machine , if we all work together that machine can keep on going and fight against domestic abuse , with your help that machine will one day overpower the abusers of this world .

  I've always believed that an army isn't necessarily just about fighting in wars it can be a strong group of like minded people believing and showing other that things need to change and the only way that can be done is if we all work together , I'm not expecting any major changes in my lifetime but maybe if over time the battle against abuse gets a little less then I know I've done something worthwhile in my life ( besides having my children of course ) . 

 

Yes I know I repeat an awful lot of stuff doing this but my only excuse is I need to keep making sure others understand just how life changing domestic abuse can be , it's not a pleasant and never will be an easy subject to read about and I make no apologies for it . It is what it is and it certainly doesn't deserve to be made all nice and fluffy . Not everyone will like some of the subject matter I writ about but I won't cover any of it up , abuse can happen to absolutely anyone be they adults , children , gay , straight or Alien so why hide all the facts ? 

  Yes I've used the odd random swear word here or there but again I'll make no apologies for that either , sometimes a swear word is the only word that fits when your talking about abuse and its extremly unpleasant side effects it can leave . As I've always said no-one ever fully understands about abuse unless they have been there  , seen it and survived it .

   Don't be quite about domestic abuse !!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Find that Inner Strengh .

 

Breaking away from an abuser can be tough , you need to be ready,  willing and very very able to take that first leap  .......

  One day you suddenly wake up and you realise life just isn't meant to be that way when your with a domestic abuser , you have that sudden light bulb moment 💡.

 It can take either just a few weeks or as in my case a few years , it's like someone has recharged your thinking and suddenly you wake up and think  " WTF !!!! " .

   

 I would be lying if I said it can be easy because in some cases it isn't but it can be done if those that are abused are strong enough . I don't mean physically strong ( although it could be a bonus 🤔 ) I mean way deep down inside yourself strong . It's that same good old inner strength that has helped the victim survive through all the abuse given out to them in the past . 

  

 Everyone has that inner strength but sometimes you can forget how to use it to your own advantage . 

 When you do use it it can make you all super powerful and ready to face what ever life decides to chuck in your direction .  

  

 I forgot all about my inner strength and determination whilst  with my now ex abuser, I forgot when I put it ,  how it use it or what to do with it ( in fact I even actually forgot I had it ) ......

                  but not anymore !!

  One day I had that wake up call / recharge moment and as I've said before it was a simple case of either I'd end up leaving in a box or he would have to go , guess which decision I made ? 😊 

 My life had eventually become that bad back then that I had begun to think I didn't have much of a future to look forward to .

This is exactly how extreme being with an abuser can really get like , it totally mess's with a normal logical thinking person's head and all your thoughts and feelings start to stop being your own .

  

 I can't describe it or put it into words that ultimate feeling of final freedom but if I could bottle it and sell it I'd make a absolute fortune !! 

                  It's phenomenal . 

I now appreciate every single tiny little thing in life because I'll never forget how my life used to be like and I mean really appricate everything , everything  from that perfect yellow lily in the first picture that's growing in my garden to the tiny little brown  spider that lives next door to it ( named Boris )...... yep absolutely everything !!!! .

   If your reading this and you are being abused remember you too can have that inner strength ,  it might be tucked up somewhere way deep down inside yourself but I promise you it's there ready to use when it's your turn to be strong . 

   Getting freedom back from an abuser can be done because I've been there , seen it and  done it and so can anyone else .  

I'm not anything special and certainly not superhuman but what I am now is a free person who is living a life without any form of domestic abuse .

That all important day will happen when the lights suddenly turn back on again for you and when they do you need to use all that hidden all powerful superhuman inner strength to throw that abuser far far away where they belong ,

            you can do it honestly !!

 I'm not saying you need to get physically violent with them but what I do mean is you need to do what they least expect you to do and that is simply to take the control back of your own life . 

  You are way more stronger than you ever believe you can be and you need to use that strengh to show your not afraid of your abuser anymore . You'll be totally surprised on just how fast an abuser can move on in some cases . When it finally dawns on them that they can't get their own way anymore with you anymore  they may throw a massive sulk , pretend to cry , get angry , scream and shout , say " lets try again " or hit out but never once will you get a deep and meaningful apology from them ( they may say sorry but its never really meant ) . 

 The strength it takes to break away from an abuser can be found deep rooted inside yourself , it can grow as time goes by and it can take you anywhere you need to go . We all have it but sometimes we forget to use it .

  

All this is coming from someone who once spent 28 extremly long tough what seemed like endless years living with an abuser , I've had to learn how to live my life again for myself , I've leant an amazing amount since I found my strengh to end it . I 've now proven to the whole wide world I'm not and have never been the  " fat , usless and ugly "  person I was lead to believe I once was  . No-one will ever ever dare to try to control what I do or say anymore  , I am now my own free person and noone will ever own me !!!!!

  

  You too can feel and be like this , you just have to simply believe in yourself and it will happen .  

 You are worth every single breath you take and never let anyone else tell you differently !!!!

  That's enough negativity for today I think don't you so let's end on something positive , 

 If your day becomes grey and sad just remember that tomorrow is a whole brand new day !!

( photo below taken by myself )