Silent tears.

 When things get bad and you just want to cry its a perfectly normal human reaction but not when it comes to someone who is or has been through domestic abuse ......

  Silent tears , invisable crying or call it what ever you want its something the abused gets down to a very fine art , You learn very early on that it's the only way you can cry .

Outwardly you can look reasonably fine and collected but inwardly there's a tidewave of unseen tears going on that no one will ever get to be witness to .

 Why are they silent or invisable ?...

 That's one of the extremly rare questions about domestic abuse that I can answer , they are silent because there's no point in letting the abuser know or see how much they've hurt or upset you , You may get asked if your are caught crying " what's up with you ? " but they know really because it was all down to them in the first place . 

You finally admit why your upset to them and it all then instantly all gets turned around and becomes your fault because your the one obviously who has major issues not them . 

 The abuser seems to want to do nothing more than to want to cause as much pain and hurt as they possibly can and they don't really seem to care how they do it . They want and need you to cry , and they strangly need to see the damage or pain they have caused and they then seem to get some sort of crazy bazaar buzz or high out of seeing the final finished result .

  Once they they get the opportunity to see just how much they have successful hurt or damaged someone they then instantly go on the defensive by declaring its not their fault , you started it or you deserved it .  Totally an utterly crazy thing to do but they seem not to be able to see it that way or take responsibility forvehat they have just done .

   

 You learn extremely quickly as the abused victim to never show any of your emotions on the outside and to never ever show any pain you might be feeling because that's giving the abuser exactly justvwhat they want , instead you just go into quite survival mode , you just put a forced fake smile on your face and agree to whatever it takes to get the highly valuable peace and quite back once again .

 

  You become almost to tough for tears , you keep the hurt and pain firmly locked away safe inside yourself where it can't be seen , then when it's very late at night and all are fast asleep you might just allow a couple of those very special tears to escape but that's all you can afford to let go because if you let it all out you know you would never stop and you may then run the risk of drowning in a sea of your own tears .

  Once learnt its something you never forget how to do , your life may have improved after the abuse but as soon as you feel vulnerable or threatened in any way again you will find yourself putting up those sky high invisable barriers all around yourself in order to safely protect yourself again . It's not something I'd expect someone who as never had to deal with any aspects of domestic abuse to fully understand because its obviously just reserved for those of us that have . It's not the greatest all secret super power thing to know how to do but sometimes it's the only thing that can be done , no one will ever notice your doing it and no one will ever know because its your way of safe guarding yourself , whatever thoughts are going through your head at the time just stay in your head .

 I don't think my now ex ever had any idea about what I was up to when I went all quite , in his world quite meant he had won yet another day of emotional abuse . 

It's got to be some sort of odd world to live in if you feel you have to upset or hurt someone else just because you can , but that's exacly what the domestic abusers of this world insist on doing and they dont care who the hell they do it to either . 

  

 So if you happen to think that you thought you were the only one out there to cry those silent unseen tears then I'm sorry I'm afraid  your very much wrong because there are hundreds of us out there who now all share that same special unique ability . 

 There are very few of those unseen silent  tears left now for me , yes they can still happen occasionally on extreme rare occasions but it as I've just said very rare and even that's only if I've been pushed to the very very maximum extreme maximum overload point .

  My life now is more full of laughter than those unwanted silent tears , I try as a go along in life to turn what ever negative thought that comes along into a positive one instead , it works most times and I try to pass it on to others .

   

  Finally picture is a little bit of positive after such a lot of a negative in this post , it was taken whilst out fishing just the other day and I think it sort of show quite well that even after a little depressing rain and you think your day may be a sad one all if a sudden and is if by magic there is always still a very good chance a rainbow just like this one can as if it seems to know you might need it  suddenly appear to make you smile 😃 . 

  

  

  

   

  

Never say Never .

 Do you remember a time before the abuse started ? Do you remember how relatively easy and calm life was once like ? ........

  The photo above is yet another one of my own and just like the tide life can flow in and out with all the good and bad times  .

 Living with a domestic abuser is very similar to that , some days are not that bad with no added hassle but other days can be an absolute nightmare .

There is always at least a handful of of the average everyday boring things in life that abusers insist on trying to control  in someone elses world but saying that they can equally be completely unpredictable on what they decide to do ( not a great deal of help really is it ? ) . 

They seem to feel their security is threatened if you dare wear or do anything that might make you stand out from the crowd and don't even dare considering to think it's perfectly execptable to talk to anyone else other from the opposite sex ( even that can come with risks ) without their full approval.

 

   In my case one really stupid thing I was never allowed to ever do was to wear knee high boots over my jeans ( told you it was stupid ) .

 I've got absolutely no idea why this was such a major outrageous crime but if ever I got caught out trying to do it then my punishment was either a tirade of abusive swearing , a lengthy spell of a killer silence or on a really good day I'd get given both together  .

I broke this golden rule once in a shop and had " why are you dressed like a right slag ? " thrown in my direction very loudly in front of several other customers who just looked at me in total shocked and supprised sympathy  😳

All I could do was just simply just return a shrug and and a smile in their direction hoping it would cover any embarrassment caused .

  Yes its totally a crazy idiotic way to live your life , why be with someone in the first place if you don't like who they are or what they do and wear ? 

  Even now after I've come out from the dark side of abuse I still find myself remembering about doing the boot thing but with luck that's only one of the very few minor silly little things I find myself still thinking twice about it before I actually do it .

  I now own two pairs and wear them when ever I damn well want !!!!!!

( below are none of mine but... 🤔)

   Now to go back to the title of this one , if you ever find yourself in a similar unfortunate position then my advice to you is Never Say Never to getting out of it . 

Granted Its a massive scary leap to make but it can be done as I'm living proof and it's wil be all worth it in the end . 

A  really good couple of questions to ask is why are abusers ever completely happy with what they have in life  and if not why ?

They seem to spend their entire life trying to change things or people into something else but when they do finally get things the way they want , they then seem to not want it that way anymore .

  Nope it doesn't make a great deal of sense to me either , why waste your time and energy on something only to change your mind about it once you get it  ? 

What a sad ungrateful little world abusers  must live in .

 

 You are and always will be your own very special amazing unique individual superstar person and nobody will ever own you , they certainly won't ever have any right in trying to control how or what you decide to do in your life becauseits your life not theirs . 

If they don't like what they see when they first meet you then they should just keep on walking and do you the greatest favour of all by never having to associate with them .

Now back to the wearing boot thing in my wardrobe I'm now the grand owner of a ridiculous amount of shoes ranging from loads of trainers to several pairs of different types of boots , why I hear you ask do you need that many pairs , you can't possibly wear them all at the same time and your certainly not a millipede ? .....

  I have them all simply because I can now and I wear them ( obviously not all at the same time ) again because I can and if I want to wear odd shoes or black leather mega kinky thigh high boots now I bloody well will !!  ( not that I actually own any black leather ones but it's an interesting thought 😆 ) .

  

My confidence levels will never be super fantastic sky high but during my time of domestic abuse it was practically non- existent , any faith in how I might of looked or appeared to others was almost vertually non extinct and I fully believed after a  period of time that I must be as " fat , usless and ugly " as I was regularly told I was . 

Looking back to those dark days I know now that I can't possibly be all that he used to say I was , I can't be that fat if I'm still wearing the same size jeans I've always worn even after having three children , I can't be that useless if I've somehow managed to successfully get rid of my ex and survive plus hold a good job down for several years and I can't be that ugly if  I've managed to replace the old abusive nightmare with a vastly improved better model who let's me be 100% true to myself .

  Most importantly.......If I'm such an equivalent of a total and complete waste of usless ugly space why am I writting all of these posts and somewhere along the line other people are actually reading it all !!!!

 

Are you ready to say.......

 

  

  

What woud they be ?

 If domestic abusers were a type of animal which one would they be ?....

The first few choices that come to my mind are weasels, rats , snakes , wasps and slugs , nothing against these poor innocent creatures but they just sort of fit . 

Both weasels and rats I have personally nothing against either but in the wild they can both be sneaky and are takers not givers ( should add pet rats are not included) , Snakes can just be purely venomous ( again pet snakes not included ) , wasps are well just wasps who will for no apprent reason  just randomly sting someone because they feel like it , Slugs however are just plain horrible slimy nasty little buggers ( just ask any gardener ) and they will just destroy everything that dares to grow in their way .  I dont think I've ever meet anyone who actually likes slugs !!

  

What animal do you think would your abuser suit best ?.......

 Is it unfair to compare humans and animals together ?.... Maybe .

Animals don't tend to know any differant but abusers as human beings should know much better but unfortunately they don't always seem to . Abusers can quite often appear to know exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it , they seem to get some sort of weird bazaar kick or high out of what their doing to others . 

  Is it some great almighty power they feel when they control your every move or is it some sort of lack of security ?

 Yet again I've got no idea , they will tell you whatever they think you need to hear so you fall into their trap and then they play with you just like a cat playing with a new toy . 

 

 I wasted far too long trying to work out the mind set of my now ex and the causes behind his actions but I gave up because none of it made any sense .  I used to make various excuses for him over the years but that's all they ever really were just plain old sad feeble weak excuses .

  Over the years I've been lucky enough to of had many various types of different pets but none have ever been as temperamental , vicious or nasty as my now ex and I've never really had to make any excuses for them either . 

As the old saying goes it's not the dogs fault but it's owner well maybe that could also apply to anyone who domestically abusers someone else , maybe they are only like the way they are because of how they were brought up ? 🤔 .

 None of the apologies given by an abuser are ever really meant and I honestly don't think they  know how to say what they mean and mean what they say in life . 

  I've never really figured why someone would  want to hurt someone else just so that they could get their own way .

 Why on earth would you want to stop a busy hungry caterpiller from turning into a beautiful butterfly ?  

That's exactly what any domestic abuser will try to do and it's like an overgrown spoilt little two year old has just chucked their dummy out of the pram . 

  So if your with a weasel , ferret , snake , rat , slug , pig , eel , shark or whatever animal you decide best fits then maybe you should start thinking seriously about getting them rehomed far far away ( unfortunatly having them put down isn't an option here ) .   

They will never change their skin or fur so there's no point in even trying to or wasting time waiting for it to happen .  

You can try to pet them , love them , care for them, feed them and look after them to the best of your caperbility but at the end of the day that Rottweiler ( or any other breed for that matter  ) can and will one day turn just around and hurt you back in return without any warning  ( apologies to any gentle beautiful Rottweilers out there ) . 

 

 🤔  Maybe in the long not so distant future all those that abuse could all be put in the same cage in a zoo somewhere distant where all those that have been abused can come and just laugh at them and see just how much they like having all their freedom and privileges removed from them 🤔  

     

   

  

    

   

   

There was a time....

 Who actually really likes or enjoys going to work ? O.k maybe not actually enjoy it but the feeling of independence of being able to go or do anything ....... 

  It wasn't that long ago when there was a time that I wasn't allowed to have of that sort of independence , I was supposed to stay locked and hidden away so no one could see me ,  talk to me or even communicate with me in any way . 

Even speaking to any male who just be happens to be serving me in a supermarket was classed as a severe case of seriouse flirting by both them and me . In my exs mind there was only one reason why a man would possibly want to talk to a female and it certainly wasn't about asking how much a tin of baked beans could be . 

Regardless of their age or preferences I had apparently ( or at least according to him )  had somehow managed to have affairs with the entire male population of England !! ( don't think I'd have the energy to do be able to do that if I'm honest 🤣 ) .

   

As I've said many times before I'm now extremly lucky and grateful to have a job I still love doing even if it's been a few years now and I recently gained a second one ( yes I know I'm mad for doing two 🙃) and there's times after I get home , had a cuppa and then finally sit down worn out that I question my own sanity but I then remind myself that everything I am doing now is because I'm now is because I want to and not because someone else wants me to . 

 I now longer have to hand any of my well earnt money over to anyone else now (apart to pay bills of course ) and I no longer have to almost vertually beg just to get a a few pence in order to buy something like a loaf of bread .

 I no longer have to panic if I'm running a little bit late getting home from work and if I'm asked to to go on a night out with my work mates I can just simply glam up wearing what ever I want and just go without asking anyone's permission or thinking I may get a phone call anytime  asking why I'm not home yet. 

It's all those simple little things in life thatĺ you don't really miss untill someone else tries to take it all away .

 

 Many people out there proberly won't really understand what it's like to have this sort of freedom taken away because they've never really lost it to begin with but to those of us who have getting your freedom back is like having the window suddenly flung open wide and you get to spread your wings and fly far far away and when you get there uou just keep on flying .

 I may get a bit tired and a slightly worn out sometimes doing two jobs but its totally worth every single minute of what I'm doing now .  Everything I decide to do is all my own decisions, if I make any mistakes ( which I know I've made a few along the way ) I just learn from them and start all over again untill I get things right .

Domestic abusers try to clip the wings of whoever are unfortunate enough to end up being with them and what I've never fully understood is why they ever bothered to get together with someone in the first place if all they want to do is to change or mould that person into someone else , doesn't make any logical sense really does it ? 

  

The part that's even crazier is when they finally fed up with you and don't want you anymore they then don't want anyone else to have you either so they will try their best to spoil everything for you and make you feel as unhappy as they possibly can .

 If anyone else believes half of what my ex now says about me I would have put in a Police cell and taken to court for being one of those charming ladies that sometimes stand on a street corner late at night asking gentleman if they would like to play some fun games ( and we're not talking Ludo or chess here ) , either that or I should be taken to a nice room with padded wallpaper were you get to wear your jacket safely secured back to front for ever . 

I'm fairly positive its deffinatly not me whose the crazy dreamer but I certainly someone who is !

 

 Yes I can honestly say hand on heart that I now love my newly found freedom and I enjoy absolutely every single minute of it  !!!!! . 

There's no more pacing up and down feeling like I'm trapped in the cage of domestic abuse just like a wild tiger who dreams of breaking free , no more feeling like I'm being kept on an extremy short lead that restricts my every move and no move feeling like my whole life is totally worthless and a total waste of time .

Every single decision I make now is all my own and no one else's ,  there is no more dark grey clouds of abuse hovering over me and trying to smother me ,  my freedom is now outstanding 😊 . I get to do all the normal usual everyday stuff and plus some fantastic last minute ones too . If I suddenly have a totally crazy last minute mad cap idea that I suddenly want to travel to the other side of the world just for a strawberry ice cream then I can ( not done it yet but WOW what a great idea !!! ) 

  Just like the simple paper plane thats in the picture below  once you make that decision to take flight you may not necessarily know exactly what direction you may be going in but you still just keep on going enjoying the whole experience of flying ! 

   

  

   

    

   

No Hurry No Worry .

 There's some people out there who live their life's at 90 miles an hour , some that just muddle along and some that are so wound up they could explode at any given moment.......

The question is which one of these are you ?....

  If you decide that you want to live life perminatly in the fast lane then that's entitly up to you but I don't think I could do that . I wouldd hate to think I was so busy zooming around like a Formular One racing car that I might miss all the little things that can be  gone in glance type of things... like that magical colourful rainbow  , that first golden dandylion , the early morning glorious birdsong  or the first much needed raindrops after a hot summers day . 

These simple little things in life are in my humble small opion are all just far to perfect and precious to miss out on , none of them are Man-made yet they can all manage to still stop someone like me in my tracks . There are time when you can't help but be totally impressed by good old mother Nature at her best .

   

Those that just muddle along ( which I think I might be one of them  ) just like to let life do its own thing with no hurry and no worries.  

To a point its almost like a chilled out hippy type existence , we go through life desperately trying to keep anything that could be stressful at a bare minimum , we prefere no violence  and try our very best to avoid any arguments . This group tend to see life should be treated as a very special gift and it should be never taken for granted ,  

  

   

Then there's the human walking time bomb/land mine type and I think we can safely put all the domestic abusers of this world into this particular group . 

From the very minute they wake up in the morning they seem to have a dire need to get out there trying to cause as much aggravation or trouble to anyone that dares disagree or get in their way . 

They tend to think the whole world always owes them endless massive favours and it should in their eyes totally just revolve around themselves. They won't ever hesitate to lash out either physically or verbally to hurt that person who decides to get in their way or who dares disagree with them or tries to stop them going in whatever direction they want to go in a the time .  

 

 My own personal opinion is that life is too short to get it wrong and you dont get enough time to make any mistakes with it . There's to much to see , do, and most importantly enjoy . I count myself very very lucky I've now got a second chance to live my life to the full and if I hadn't of turned that page in life then I wouldn't be living this new exciting story I live now .

Granted my way of doing things may seem sometimes to get a little chaotic at times to other people but if I'm truly honest to myself I wouldn't have it another way . 

This particular Tortoise quite likes taking the slow and easy way in life , I may not get there the fastest way but at least still get there all safe and sound in the end .

  Question..... Are you.........No1 the super speedy racing car , No2 the slow but ever steady Tortoise or The hunan manic time bomb ?....

 Having lived through and survived far too many wasted valuable years of Domestic abuse I've learnt to see all of the above in different people and I can't help but think the human time bomb that is now my ex must be missing out on so much of life the question is do I feel sorry for him ?......

No I honestly don't think I do because everything he has decided to do in life is because it's been all his own free choice , no-one has made him be an abuser , no-one forced him to be one and no-one demanded it of him either , everything he did to me and to my knowledge still doing to others is all down to his own responsibility .

Abusers will have endless a list of pathetic excuses for when they get challenged over the way they are and on a really good day you could even get the fake tears that mean absolutely nothing . What ever heartfelt deep and meaningful promises are made after challenging their action that the abuser will make will in a short period of time become non existent , those promises will be just as fake as the tears that were once used to try to win you over in order to get you to believe all the lies ( sorry my mistake abusers never lie they just simply re-adjust the truth to suit ) you may of been originally told to begin with  . 

  My life now after domestic abuse is so very much better than what it ever used to be , there are no egg shells or thin ice to worry about walking over , there's very little stress or worry and I now get to live my life the way I want to without having another person constantly trying to push me in a completely different direction to where I wanted to go .

 The picture used below I remember taking all to well , it was on a day trip to a local seaside during sometime in the summer with the now ex and the children ( properly one of our last family trips ) .  It was taken and put together roughly just a few short months before I became brave enough and told the abuser he had to go .

  At the time my life was just like those sand castles that are slowing and steadily crumbling away  and just waiting for the tide to come in and wash everything all away like it never really existed in the first place .

   

   

   

Once upon a time.

Pre- domestic abuse there was once a time when planning to go out to celebrate and have a few drinks with friends for Halloween was a must ....

We never really needed much of a good excuse back then to get completely silly and dress up in some sort of weird and crazy fancy dress and then go out and have a really great night out  ( Christmas eve and New Years Eve were always a great one's to do it too ) but that all changed as soon as I met the now ex and my happy contented fun days were about to come to a halt . 

He didn't do anything for Halloween ( he didn't really do anything much for anything come to think of it  ) and it wasn't untill we had the children that I could get away with putting a pumpkin out with a few cheap and cheerful decorations for all the trick or treaters to see and enjoy . 

His idea of fun on every weekend ( pretty much every day really ) was to sit on the sofa , drink coffee , eat something and watch what ever football game happened to be on the television at the time and those damn over excited annoying pesky kids knocking on the door  making a fuss would just rudely interrupt everything . 

Granted It might not be everyone's favourite time of year but its always been one of my eagerly awaited times and I always look forward to it ( I blame it personally on being born on All Hallows but that could just also be a very feeble excuse 😏 ) . 

With the ex there was deffinatly no going out socially enjoying ourselfs and meeting with any friends , no totally ridiculous unnecessary dressing up and absolutly most certainly no child like behavour or silly outrageous fun allowed !!

Thinking about it I seriously can't really remember any occasion over the 28yrs we were together where hair was allowed to be let down or no resorting back to not acting our age happening . Dressing up and not really caring how daft you might look was never anyhere on the list of possible exciting things to do of an evening .

In his odd special little world we were nothing but sensible grown -ups and therefore we had to always act that way . 

  So whenever Halloween was sneaking up I would try to buy the best pumpkin I could find cheaply and collect various affordable sweets out of what little money I had to myself , put the collection of skeletons , ghosts and bats out and then waited for the door to be knocked on . As you've  properly already predicted...  yes it was just me who answered the door everytime , me who handed the treats out and me who complimented each and every child on their brilliantly scary costumes 🎃 .

  I was often asked why did I bother to keep on doing it and didn't I think the whole thing was a complete and utter waste of time and good money ?....

 

But I still just keep on doing it and I've never really worked out who gets the most enjoyment out of it.... is it me or the children ?....😉

   That's one of the many funny things about abusers they seem to hate anyone else trying to enjoy themselves unless of course it involves them and its a bonus if they happen to be the centre of everyone's attention ( some will try to say they are shy or embarrassed but they love all the fuss given really ) .

 Things have now had a seriouse and excellent upgrade for me when it comes to all things Halloween , the once small bag of random bits of decorations has now become a large slightly overflowing box full with various signs , broomsticks , cobwebs , spiders , the odd gravestone and lots of lights to add to the spooky atmosphere , this years seasonal dress up was pretty good but already there's plans in process for next years possible Steampunk looking outfit with all the trimmings including a rather mischievous pair of thigh high kinky boots !!!!!! 😏  .

  

How things have changed 🎃🎃

  This year I spent the whole weekend being highly entertained by lots of witches , werewolves , scary skeletons ,variouse monsters and of course supercreeps !

 Meeting good friends ( and mine are just the best ) was something I really missed but thankfully they never gave up on me and since my regeneration I'm always ready to go out with them and have an absolute Halloween ball .

  If your reading all of this and thinking " I wish " due to sinking in a dismally abusive sand pit then dont ever forget things can change and life can be amazingly good once again . 

 

  Abusers are nothing but big bullies really and bullies are nothing but even bigger cowards when someone larger ( or a passing witch/wizard ) happens to comes along . If I can regain my life so can anyone else , I'll never forget the look on my now exs face when I mentioned getting the police involved when I first dumped him and told him he needed to go  , first he looked a bit supprised and nervous then he laughed because he didn't think I meant any of it and then when he finally realised I was meaning every single word I said he tried the " let's start again " card and then the angry card ( never once was there " I'm sorry "  card offered ) , but this time there was no way I was going to lose any more of my very valuable years so I just smiled sweetly and repeated my words in the same calm steady voice and stood my ground . 

  I think he knows this particular witch  is      seriouse now !! 🤣

  

     

   

    

   

 

Next move.

 Domestic abuse is a bit of crazy story for me , I started all of this about a year ago for purely selfish reasons but now it's time for the next move in the game of life ....

I first began all of this to help put some sort of order and clarity to my abusive past and to get all the weird thoughts it so very kindly left me with into some sort of clear order and it was relatively easier to start to write than I first thought it would be . Some are parts were and will be a bit tricky to put into the right words but I will try my best to make it all make some sort of vague sense ( but I unfortunatly can't always garrentee it will do  ) , saying that , anything to do with domestic abuse doesn't really make a great deal of sense either really does it ?.... 🤔 .

 I'll try to only put down the more interesting eventful parts of my 28yrs of it because the rest of it all is just small minor everyday stuff in comparison ( not trying to belittle any of it but that's just the way I see it now )  . There were the little uncalled for snide comments , the looks that could kill , the total lack of trust , the constant " constructive criticisms " , the what seemed to be never ending dark silence's and of course the ever constant fear that you were always walking on perminate eggshell's or dangerous thin ice never knowing when the situation could change for the worse .

   After I had finished the basic story line part my decision to either continue or not , I  then made the decision to continue going with it so that others could see it and maybe it would give them some sort of hope that they too can get their lives back once again from it  . 

I thought maybe there must be possibly thousands out there so I better do something else extra to go along with it .

  Ta da !!!! I can now also be found on Facebook , Instagram , Quora , Threads and the new X ( was Twitter ) and all should in theory and fingers crossed lead straight back to here to try to reach out to as many people as I  possible can  , 

My logic being that I've earnt the right to shout about domestic abuse after being involved in one for 28 yrs . Please feel free to message ( blog email found in profile ), say hello or even raise a subject about abuse that can be discussed and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible .

   

It's there for all those that may have been

 abused past , present or future and all I ask in return is that the support and understanding I'm trying to offer is returned and shared to others that may need it .

 Just knowing there is someone out there that will listern can mean a great deal to an abused victim .

   Yes there may be loads of other terrible horrendous stories out there all about domestic abuse already and some with extremly horrific phyical attack stories so why pick mine ? .......

Because it's a simple case of free choice ( something I never had for years ) . If it begins to spark the wake up call in just one single person then that's  my mission accomplished . 

  That first spark could  just be the begining of turning the page in the book of life and starting a whole new amazing adventure .  

 When I read back some of the things I've written so far they really don't come over as major life changing events but that's just how it is , no I never experienced any type of phyical abuse but that doesn't necessarily mean I don't carry any bruises . My scars , bruises and pain were all and to a certain point still are all internal where no one can see . Those same scars and bruises will remain with me proberly for years and quite a few will never heal . Emotional and mental abuse can be just as devastating as any other form and it all should be treated as exactly the same thing . Just because you can't see the pain someone could be suffering it doesn't mean to say it doesn't exist .

  

All my friends and family had no idea the thoughts and feelings that found their way into my head during my abuse and some of them didnt even know it was even actually happening . Why didn't they know ? ......

 Because in my crazy mixed up world at the time I was convinced no one would care let alone believe me .

  The totally insane notion above that no one 

 would care or understand was of course installed into my poor domestically abused head by my abuser , if your continuing then be prepared to find yourself being brain washed into actually believe it all . I now know just how extremly wrong all that total nonsense was and I personally think it was because he was the crazy dreamer and not me , it was him all along with the insecurities and massive lack of trust and his the one with the disturbing issues not me . 

 My life now may not be as perfect as someone else's but it's all mine with no master controller trying to live my life for me . 

  I'm now the perminate winner in my version of playing the game , sometimes it's a case of taking two steps forward and then taking one back but if I'm honest I wouldn't now have it any other way .

  My future now is my own and what ever I decide I want it to be .

    

   

 

Its not that easy.

 People often ask those who have dealt with any forms of domestic abuse " why don't you just leave ? " but it isn't always as easy as that.... 

Just imagine your sitting on one side of  a pair of giant scales and your domestic abuser is on the other side , very slowly over a period of time your side will begin to get weighed down with anxiety , stress and depression . Meanwhile on the other side the abuser will keep on raising up because they are constantly taking everything from their side and adding it all to yours instead on a daily basis . 

 The more you find yourself trying to wiggle to try to get a little more space on your side the more uncomfortable it can all become so you learn to just keep very still and not make a single sound and you try not to rock the already extremly unsteady boat more than it has to . 

The control the domestic abuser has had over you has surrounded you like a deep thick heavy foggy blanket and you end up believing over time absolutely every single thing you are told ,  you can try your very best to get some sort of equal balance in your life but its always a bit of a losing battle because in the domestic abusers world there's only one way to do things correctly and that's theirs . 

If you're told you are completely stupid and useless often enough by an abuser you will most likely over time end up actually believing that you must be . A  really good one that's quite often used by abusers is " you won't ever find anyone else as good as me " well guess what matey if that's the best you've got to offer then I really don't want to know what the worse can be like !!

  Domestic abusers are in my opion the total utter scumslugs of this earth ( fit your own appropriate swear words in here ) and they will never deserve your love , affection , trust or loyalty .  I hate to be the one to break the news to you but they don't really care how much they hurt you either physically or mentally in order to get their own way ( no matter what they may say or promises they make ) . Even if you give in to their constant wants , needs and demands they will still only expect even more next time and so it will all just keep on going . 

Was it a spoilt childhood , learnt behaviour from a parent or them just being total muppets ?....

 It's anyone's guess 🤔 .

Making that decision and finally choosing to leave an abuser is a bit like doing a major military top secret mission impossible type operation and you will need to put your 100% trust sometimes in complete and utter total strangers . The abuser will of course do their very best to try to keep you there and try to talk you round with their fake tears , fake promises and impossible make believe dreams but over time nothing changes , the dreams never come true and they will simply just go back to exactly the same way they always were before or get even worse .

 If your feeling really strong , brave and super determined for a better life then why not just take that first step and go for it . No it's not always an easy or fast road to take and yes your already sensitive fragile emotions will take a little bit of a battering but each and every step you take forward will be all worth while in the end . All this is coming from someone whose taken that first major all important step , spoken to the lovely kind helpful strangers , and I'm now living a free from any forms of abuse life , its not always easy but at least I'm doing it all my own way now and I'm loving it .

There are some groups of amazing people out there who can and will help you ( far too many to list and it all depends on which country you are in ) but at the end of the day there's only one person that can make that first all important step and thats yourself , you really are a much stronger person than you think you can ever be  .

   I know it's a rough road because I've been there , seen it and done it and yes its scary as hell to begin with but it really does honestly get better as time goes by . I will always be totally grateful to all those that listened and helped me along the way and most importantly those that believed in me . There is still the odd person out there that wants to take the exs side but that's their choice so I just leave them get on with it untill they finally work it all out for themselves eventually .

   If your reading this thinking I could never be brave enough to do something like that , they need me too much then I'm sorry your wrong . Again I'm breaking news I think is already know and thats that they have never really needed you in the first place , anyone who feels the desire to want to change  , manipulate or try to control another person's life is obviously managing to do a great job of living life and they were doing it all well before they ever meet you .

 You are and always will be your own amazing brilliant individual person who is free to do what ever you want to do (within reason of course 😉 ) and its your life to live and no one else's.

 Question..... Do you feeling strong enough to take thst first step ?

  

Blaming .

 Domestic abuse blaming what a subject to discuss and try to unravel....

 The abused victim blames the abuser and the abuser blames the abused victim  . In my case yes most of it was my exs fault but to a certain degree I'm to blame too......why ?....

  Because I let it happen for much longer than it should of done. Yes I blame myself totally for that one because it was solely my fault and my decision for not putting a stop to it when it first all started all those years ago  .

I should of left the first time when I had the first opportunity and not wasted any more of my very valuable years of life being intimidated and abused . Does it make me cross or angry ?....

Yes to a certain point it does , I'm beyond feeling any effectionate feelings towards my now ex but I can't help but be slightly annoyed with myself for being such a wimp and not standing my ground . I wonder what would have happened if I had started saying No ! right at the beginning ? There's only 3 reasons I can think of to be thankful for all my years wasted and they of course are my children .

When your being abused you get sucked into it untill you can't see that your slowly sinking into a dismal pit of dispare . 

Some would say I shouldn't blame myself for any of it  but unfortunatly that's something I think will never change and I will just have  to live with and most importantly I should never of allowed my children be witness or experience any of it . 

 The Abuser will try to blame the rest of the world rather than take the responsibility and accept the blame for their own actions then if all else fails they will then try to convince anyone who will listern to them that your a complete and utter fruit cake that shouldn't be left in charge of a bowl full of jelly . Their warped logic is to try to make those who don't know you hate you and those that do know you hate you even more , they don't care who that person might be , it could be a friend , an employer, a parent , a random person waiting in line in a shop or even your own child  . They will try to condem you to anyone who will listern to them and the truth sometimes gets exchanged for untruths along the way and those same untruths can expand as time goes by .

 Next comes guilt and do they feel it let alone accept it and its yet another thing I don't have the answer for . Even if they did feel it they would never show it let alone admit to it . I'm more than happy to admit that I will always have a small feeling of guilt because I let my children be involved in it but I don't think there's any felt on my exs side ,  his either hiding it exceptionally well or as I strongly suspect there's absolutely nothing there .

In their eyes there's only one mean , selfish greedy , lazy and totally nasty person in their life and that's you . You were the one that spoilt all their fun , you were the one that broke their heart , you were the one that tried to turn everyone against them and you were the one that never did as they were told  . 

 I think there must be an endless list of things I was for ever being blamed for including not pulling my weight when it came to earning money or constantly having  affairs ( both obviously untrue or else I'd now be a poor homeless hooker without even a piece of stale bread to eat ) . I now know there was absolutly nothing I could have done to stop his abusive controlling ways .

  Being responsible for your own actions is a lesson that everyone should learn in life and especially the abusers but we all know they never will . No idea why it's such an encredibly differcult thing for them to do but obviously that part must be permanently switched off in them .

Do I forgive my exs actions ?..... 

 Not completely yet but over time maybe I might but that's only because I know I'm the much better person . 

Will I ever forget what has happened ? ......

No Never !!

Would I ever help him if I was the only person left on earth to do it ?....

That would all depend on how bad the the situation was I guess .

Donating a bodily organ or blood if it was needed  ?....

Proberly not ( differant blood group anyway) . 

Lending money ?... 

Deffinatly not ever , 

Offering him a bed for the night if it wss needed ?....

 Most likely not but I'd offer the use of a sleeping bag  .

Writting him a personal reference? ......

Only if I'm allowed to mention his a domestic abuser. 

Would I stand up in court supporting another one of their victims ?.....

Yes I honestly think I would. 

Do I think I will ever recieve an apology from my ex  ?.....

 Only of there's a vague chance of hell freezing over .

Will my ex ever accept any blame ? ....

No chance .

Is my life better now without my ex ? ......

Absolutely !!!!!

 Sorry but I honestly don't think if I was reached out to by my ex that I could ever bring myself to do an awful lot to help out not because I'm all bitter and twisted inside over the past events but because I know deep down he would never consider doing it for anyone else in a desperate situation and he wouldnt ever feel quilty for not doing it either . 

Domestic abusers will never take responsibility for their own actions  so they in turn will never receive or deserve my respect !!