Tuesday, November 1, 2022

Never say Never .

 Do you remember a time before the abuse started ? Do you remember how relatively easy and calm life was once like ? ........

  The photo above is yet another one of my own and just like the tide life can flow in and out with all the good and bad times  .
 Living with a domestic abuser is very similar to that , some days are not that bad with no added hassle but other days can be an absolute nightmare .

There is always at least a handful of of the average everyday boring things in life that abusers insist on trying to control  in someone elses world but saying that they can equally be completely unpredictable on what they decide to do ( not a great deal of help really is it ? ) . 
They seem to feel their security is threatened if you dare wear or do anything that might make you stand out from the crowd and don't even dare considering to think it's perfectly execptable to talk to anyone else other from the opposite sex ( even that can come with risks ) without their full approval.

   In my case one really stupid thing I was never allowed to ever do was to wear knee high boots over my jeans ( told you it was stupid ) .
 I've got absolutely no idea why this was such a major outrageous crime but if ever I got caught out trying to do it then my punishment was either a tirade of abusive swearing , a lengthy spell of a killer silence or on a really good day I'd get given both together  .
I broke this golden rule once in a shop and had " why are you dressed like a right slag ? " thrown in my direction very loudly in front of several other customers who just looked at me in total shocked and supprised sympathy  😳
All I could do was just simply just return a shrug and and a smile in their direction hoping it would cover any embarrassment caused .

  Yes its totally a crazy idiotic way to live your life , why be with someone in the first place if you don't like who they are or what they do and wear ? 
  Even now after I've come out from the dark side of abuse I still find myself remembering about doing the boot thing but with luck that's only one of the very few minor silly little things I find myself still thinking twice about it before I actually do it .

  I now own two pairs and wear them when ever I damn well want !!!!!!
( below are none of mine but... 🤔)

   Now to go back to the title of this one , if you ever find yourself in a similar unfortunate position then my advice to you is Never Say Never to getting out of it . 
Granted Its a massive scary leap to make but it can be done as I'm living proof and it's wil be all worth it in the end . 

A  really good couple of questions to ask is why are abusers ever completely happy with what they have in life  and if not why ?
They seem to spend their entire life trying to change things or people into something else but when they do finally get things the way they want , they then seem to not want it that way anymore .
  Nope it doesn't make a great deal of sense to me either , why waste your time and energy on something only to change your mind about it once you get it  ? 
What a sad ungrateful little world abusers  must live in .

 You are and always will be your own very special amazing unique individual superstar person and nobody will ever own you , they certainly won't ever have any right in trying to control how or what you decide to do in your life becauseits your life not theirs . 
If they don't like what they see when they first meet you then they should just keep on walking and do you the greatest favour of all by never having to associate with them .

Now back to the wearing boot thing in my wardrobe I'm now the grand owner of a ridiculous amount of shoes ranging from loads of trainers to several pairs of different types of boots , why I hear you ask do you need that many pairs , you can't possibly wear them all at the same time and your certainly not a millipede ? .....

  I have them all simply because I can now and I wear them ( obviously not all at the same time ) again because I can and if I want to wear odd shoes or black leather mega kinky thigh high boots now I bloody well will !!  ( not that I actually own any black leather ones but it's an interesting thought 😆 ) .
My confidence levels will never be super fantastic sky high but during my time of domestic abuse it was practically non- existent , any faith in how I might of looked or appeared to others was almost vertually non extinct and I fully believed after a  period of time that I must be as " fat , usless and ugly " as I was regularly told I was . 
Looking back to those dark days I know now that I can't possibly be all that he used to say I was , I can't be that fat if I'm still wearing the same size jeans I've always worn even after having three children , I can't be that useless if I've somehow managed to successfully get rid of my ex and survive plus hold a good job down for several years and I can't be that ugly if  I've managed to replace the old abusive nightmare with a vastly improved better model who let's me be 100% true to myself .

  Most importantly.......If I'm such an equivalent of a total and complete waste of usless ugly space why am I writting all of these posts and somewhere along the line other people are actually reading it all !!!!

Are you ready to say.......


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