Find that Inner Strengh .

 

Breaking away from an abuser can be tough , you need to be ready,  willing and very very able to take that first leap  .......

  One day you suddenly wake up and you realise life just isn't meant to be that way when your with a domestic abuser , you have that sudden light bulb moment 💡.

 It can take either just a few weeks or as in my case a few years , it's like someone has recharged your thinking and suddenly you wake up and think  " WTF !!!! " .

   

 I would be lying if I said it can be easy because in some cases it isn't but it can be done if those that are abused are strong enough . I don't mean physically strong ( although it could be a bonus 🤔 ) I mean way deep down inside yourself strong . It's that same good old inner strength that has helped the victim survive through all the abuse given out to them in the past . 

  

 Everyone has that inner strength but sometimes you can forget how to use it to your own advantage . 

 When you do use it it can make you all super powerful and ready to face what ever life decides to chuck in your direction .  

  

 I forgot all about my inner strength and determination whilst  with my now ex abuser, I forgot when I put it ,  how it use it or what to do with it ( in fact I even actually forgot I had it ) ......

                  but not anymore !!

  One day I had that wake up call / recharge moment and as I've said before it was a simple case of either I'd end up leaving in a box or he would have to go , guess which decision I made ? 😊 

 My life had eventually become that bad back then that I had begun to think I didn't have much of a future to look forward to .

This is exactly how extreme being with an abuser can really get like , it totally mess's with a normal logical thinking person's head and all your thoughts and feelings start to stop being your own .

  

 I can't describe it or put it into words that ultimate feeling of final freedom but if I could bottle it and sell it I'd make a absolute fortune !! 

                  It's phenomenal . 

I now appreciate every single tiny little thing in life because I'll never forget how my life used to be like and I mean really appricate everything , everything  from that perfect yellow lily in the first picture that's growing in my garden to the tiny little brown  spider that lives next door to it ( named Boris )...... yep absolutely everything !!!! .

   If your reading this and you are being abused remember you too can have that inner strength ,  it might be tucked up somewhere way deep down inside yourself but I promise you it's there ready to use when it's your turn to be strong . 

   Getting freedom back from an abuser can be done because I've been there , seen it and  done it and so can anyone else .  

I'm not anything special and certainly not superhuman but what I am now is a free person who is living a life without any form of domestic abuse .

That all important day will happen when the lights suddenly turn back on again for you and when they do you need to use all that hidden all powerful superhuman inner strength to throw that abuser far far away where they belong ,

            you can do it honestly !!

 I'm not saying you need to get physically violent with them but what I do mean is you need to do what they least expect you to do and that is simply to take the control back of your own life . 

  You are way more stronger than you ever believe you can be and you need to use that strengh to show your not afraid of your abuser anymore . You'll be totally surprised on just how fast an abuser can move on in some cases . When it finally dawns on them that they can't get their own way anymore with you anymore  they may throw a massive sulk , pretend to cry , get angry , scream and shout , say " lets try again " or hit out but never once will you get a deep and meaningful apology from them ( they may say sorry but its never really meant ) . 

 The strength it takes to break away from an abuser can be found deep rooted inside yourself , it can grow as time goes by and it can take you anywhere you need to go . We all have it but sometimes we forget to use it .

  

All this is coming from someone who once spent 28 extremly long tough what seemed like endless years living with an abuser , I've had to learn how to live my life again for myself , I've leant an amazing amount since I found my strengh to end it . I 've now proven to the whole wide world I'm not and have never been the  " fat , usless and ugly "  person I was lead to believe I once was  . No-one will ever ever dare to try to control what I do or say anymore  , I am now my own free person and noone will ever own me !!!!!

  

  You too can feel and be like this , you just have to simply believe in yourself and it will happen .  

 You are worth every single breath you take and never let anyone else tell you differently !!!!

  That's enough negativity for today I think don't you so let's end on something positive , 

 If your day becomes grey and sad just remember that tomorrow is a whole brand new day !!

( photo below taken by myself )

   

   

  

   

Why ?

 

Those that have been or are being domestically abused get asked on a regular basis why stay ? .........

There's so many various reasons or excuses but the above is the closest I've ever got to an answer .

  In my case I stayed because of being dependant on money , being told I was  " fat,  useless and ugly " and most importantly for my children . 

  Looking back now I can see it was all silly and  ridiculous reasons .

 I now earn my own money , I can't be that fat if I'm in the same size jeans I've always worn , I can't be that useless if I'm now encouraging other abused victims on here and various other places  and I certainly can't be that ugly because no one else has mentioned it yet or laughed at me ! ( at least not yet anyway 😏)

   That brings me to my last and final reason ...my children .

     To stay or not to stay because of them is the question , I stayed because I honestly thought my children needed their father . Having grown up with a single mother back in the 70s I always used to say to myself I didn't ever want to be in the same position , I remember some of the fights she had with my father, I remember seeing him hit her a couple of times  and I remember all too well how tough it all was for her . 

   NO thank you  ! I didn't want that for my children thank you very much  but it unfortunately didn't work out that way and life had other ideas on thecwaybthings woukd work out . 

 

I know my children saw and heard a lot and I'll never reallycknow exactly how much that was .

Has it effected their mental health  ?...

 Yes more than likely it has  . 

Did I make the right decision at the time to stay for them ?...

  Looking back now , no I honestly don't think I did .  

Do I now regret putting them through it all ?....

Absolutely and most deffinatly .

 Children are a lot tougher than we give them credit for , they bounce back from a lot of variouse stuff slong the way but what they really don't need is a domestic abuser in their lives possibly ruining their future .

 If you ever get told that classic  " you and the children need me " then that person is totally wrong big time . No-one wants or needs to witness physical or emotional abuse on a regular basis and then most certainly don't need it either .

 One thing to always remember when it comes to abusers , they need you more than you will ever need them and that's exactly why they all but beg you to stay or want to give things yet another go when you decide enough is enough .

 

Do I miss my ex ?.....

  No I most certainly dont and I don't I think I ever will .

   Yes we did have a few good times but they were very few and far between . I certainly don't miss the constant put downs , the big long sulks, being pressured into sex ( classed as rape ) or spending my days never knowing when the volcano could erupt yet again .

My children aren't children anymore and are now all grown- up and have made their own individual free choices about their father .  They have all luckerly not inherited their fathers habits or personality and if I say so myself they've not turned out to bad at all 😊

  He in return also has the choice to contact and see them when ever he wants to because they are old enough to make their own decisions in life but supprise , supprise he chooses not to . If their lucky they may get remembered on their birthdays or Christmas but they have learnt not to be too disappointed if it doesnt happen .

  

   Seriously think twice about your reasons for staying if your still in a domestic abusive relationship because life really can be totally outstanding when you break away from it , I should know because I've been there , seen it , done it and most importantly survived it 😊 .

  You and your children ( if you have any of course )  deserve a life that doesn't involve any form of abuse , you can seriously live a much greater life without your abuser bringing you down . 

 There is only ever one single person that has the right to say what you can or can't do and that's yourself . You are the only person that needs to control your life, no-one else . 

OK yes you will make the odd mistake along the way but that exactly how you learn and once you've learnt by that odd little mistake you won't do it again .  

  

 I have now been free a few years and yes of course I still get things wrong but I now accept its the norm and my slightly weird,  often scatty world is my own brilliantly unique place .

  I dont think I will ever totally be able to explain why I put up with things for as long as I did or why I was stupid enough to let my children be witness to it all  but what I do know is I just have to now fully focus on the future and what exciting things can hold . 

  You too can have an amazing future to look forward to , so if your sat there reading all this thinking  " I can't possibly do it " then your wrong . 

You can do anything you want to do , you can and will survive after abuse and you are not and never will be on your own .  

Walk your path in life........

( photo one of my own ) .

  

 

   

    

    

  

   

  

Good air in and bad air out .

Domestically abused or not abused everyone should learn to just stop and breath all the good air in , no-one lives forever so why not enjoy every single day ?

Personally I count myself very lucky , A few years ago I escaped from my domestic abuser after 28yrs  or rather should I say I took back my control and I chucked him out !! , now there's only one person in my life trying to control my crazy world and that's sweet little old me !  

Yes I make mistakes along the way but I learn from them and then simply just try what ever it was I was trying to do again .  

  One of my favourite things is to be outside ( incase you hadn't seen it written before 😅  ) and as I write this I'm sitting in my slightly messy but full of variouse plants garden , drinking as I normally do when I create these posts a nice cup of tea to help my brain produce all the thoughts going on in my head into all the right words to put down here .  

   I'm breathing in all the good air and breathing out all the bad , from my chair I can see all the plants I'm trying to grow they are  either brought , grown from seed or variouse cuttings I've begged from other people and I'm smiling to myself because its all mine and done all by myself  😊 .

 

 There was once a time I was told on a regular basis that I was " fat , useless and ugly "  well looking at what I can do now I know all that can't be possibly be true .

 It's the abuser that's the ugly one , they are ugly , bitter and very twisted right down to their very core . They don't know how to be happy or love life ,  they just know how to be their own individual variouse shades of grey and that just makes me feel sorry for them because they are missing out on so much .

I refuse to ever find myself living in an abusers world like that ever again and I never want to be anywhere near someone else's dark and gloomy world .

 I've never really worked out how can anyone be so dark and miserable all day and eveyday when there 's so much out there to enjoy ?

 The world is busting full of amazing things to see and this old Hippy just loves taking it all in , there are birds on the bird feeder enjoying the easy way to get food   , there's nice big honey bees buzzing around being busy looking for a new pollen supply , the two cats are laying next to me purring away sunbathing and beautiful butterfly's fluttering all around me ......  simply perfect 

.

   As the two pictures top and bottom both show I can't be all that useless if I can grow these plants ( top = Bouganvillia,  bottom = trailing geranium ) and the fig tree I'm sat next to isn't complaining about being neglected to much either  . 

As for the fat part well I'm leaving that all down to personal opinion but if it's any help I'm still the same size I have always been even after having three children .

    If your told you can't do something for what ever reason don't ever believe it !!! Granted you have to think realistically about it but there's nothing stopping you adapting your first idea and then trying to do it  differently .

If you want to do something why not just give it a go ?....

Ok fair enough I might not be able to be a professor in rocket science or a spaceman but it doesn't mean I can't appreciate how unbelievable the whole entire universe is and I may not be able to drive an F1 car at a Grand Prix but it doesn't mean I can't live life in the fast lane either .

   Today why not take some of those great big deep breaths in and simple just enjoy being alive . I've always believed that life is far too short to get it wrong and you only get one go at it so I'm ever thankful that when I wake up in the morning I'm still breathing and I get to have yet another great day to look forward to ,

Positive thinking is a great thing to be able to do , it makes even a rainy day seem sunny .

 

 As it says in my profile I'm a very annoying major optimistic thinker , if I see a negative I always have to try to it turn it around into a positive .  That hippy in me does her very best to spread the good things in life all around for others and is more than happy to always share a smile with someone else who may need it . 

  Yes even after being dragged extremely reluctantly through a very dark tough period in my time with my abuser I still refuse to give up loving life , I'm not even close to finishing what I started in living my life yet so I'll just keep going with it .

  Just look at this amazing trailing geranium below , it once started it's life as a tiny little seed , it got planted and cared for and now just look at it !!! 

It may only last this summer but it certainly crams in everything it's got whilst it's still here  .  It gives its pollen to the bees , it shares its colour for everyone to see  and it just keeps on giving , the best bit is if I'm really lucky and feeling clever then I can get a repeat display from it's offspring next year after I collect all its seeds when it's finished flowering .....happy days and living the dream 😊.

 Today why not be just like the flowers and make the most of what you have in life !!!!

  

 

    

  

  

Its raining again 🌧

 

Positive or negative , rain serves a great purpose......

As I'm sat here with my normal early morning first cup of tea of the day watching the rain

begin to start again on this slightly soggy morning and from my window I can see adults trying their best to stay dry on their way to work and children doing what they love to do the most and that's  jumping in the puddles on their way to school .

Rain is something you either love it or hate it and if I'm totally truthful I kind of in the love it group ,  I find it refreshs everything and recharges it . Granted I'm not such a great fan of it when it goes on all day continuously in the middle of a cold winter when

 I have to leave to go to work or walk the dog but on a perfect summers day like today its just like having Tinkerbell from the Peter Pan story sprinkling her Fairy dust everywhere and magically bringing everything back to life .

It's yet another thing that makes me grateful for everything I have now and appreciate it it all even more than I ever have  . Like I've mentioned before I simply just love being outside and yes even on a day like today it can still have a tendency to make me smile when I find myself still trying to do some garden when the clouds above are busy trying to empty everything out at the same time .

Everyday with domestic abuser can be just like a dark , cloudy and full of gloom day , it's like an endless mid winters day with non stop continuous heavy torrential rain and you have no umbrella or raincoat  to help protect yourself . On a really bad day you'll get all the thunder and lighting to go with it and you just feel like all you want to do is just give up and drown in the nearest biggest muddy puddle you can find .

I'm watching it rain right now and remember all to well my dark dismal  days  and that's exactly why in a really weird way I love watching it rain . It reminds me that things will always get better after the storm , the sun will come out and shine once again and the plants in my garden will keep on just getting bigger , better and even stronger every day . 

As I'm writing this post a rainbow has suddenly and magically just appeared on the opposite dide of the road confirming in my eyes at least that life can be totally outstanding after a bad time , its sharing its glorious arch of bright beautiful colours with all to see and by the look of things the pot of gold at the end of it is somewhere near the house just up the road !!!!  

Why not try have a go at being positive today , jump up and down in those exciting muddy puddles , laugh at getting rained on and just love the day in general it doesn't really matter if you get a bit wet because skin is waterproof and clothes will soon dry .  There are  some people out there that live life under a permanent unforgiving dark rain cloud and they feel that they will never feel the warmth of the sun on their face ever again .

This is for all those that are still being or were abused and that you will hopefully understand exactly what I mean by how truly dark those clouds can really be and yes seriously and truthfully your days can and will be brighter and better in the end .

 Why not be like the flowers and grow from the rain ,  become that stronger person , get rid of that strangling ugly old weed in your garden of domestic abuse and then just sit back and enjoy your beautiful future days full of endless sunflowers 🌼 .

Let the abusers of this world be just like those nasty annoying puddles on the street corner that are full of old dead mushy leaves , those puddles will drain away eventually into nothing because they were never really that strong or powerful in the first place .

 Just like the rain the abusers of this world don't have to be there for ever ( even if it feels like they will be at the time ) , there really can be that perfect sun shiny day after you walk away from your storm , the clouds will eventually fade away and the sun will come out once again to make you smile  . 

There' s an old saying that goes something along the lines of  ...There's no such thing as bad weather , just bad clothing and it's so true in lots of variouse ways .

If for some strange reason and if it looks like its going to be a bad day then I make sure I'm fully prepared for it . I make sure my friends are close by if I need them to talk to and I know they will sort me out brilliantly over a large cuppa and the biggest packet of biscuits we can find  .

I know now all my friends ( they know who they are ) will always be there to cover my back when it looks like the bad weather may get too bad,  they will pick me up , dust me down and help me stand back up again if ever I fall , I couldn't have done a fraction of what I have had to do after I became free without them and even to this day I will always buy them the first drink when when ever we go out as a sort of thank you  ( not they would ever expect any form of repayment ) .

As the old childhood rhyme goes....

 " Rain , Rain go away

Don't come back another day ".

Start a new chapter .

 

Domestic abuse has to be one of  hardest chapters  I've ever had in my story of life .....

 and without sounding too much like Forrest Gump I got so wrapped up in the story I was living at the time that I almost forgot all I had to do was just simply turn the page to a new exiting part and then let the story continue .

 Realising your being domestically abused be it physical or emotional is one thing but actually escaping from it is a whole different thing all together , yes of course it can be done because I've actually done it after 28 years of abuse but that doesn't mean to say it wasn't always easy . I had to put my total and slightly crumpled trust in a few utter and complete strangers , I had to instantly" Man Up " and deal with things I had never had to deal with before and most importantly I had to be 100% honest about what had happened to me to others in order to get people to listern to me so that they could help , which of course they very kindly did .

Granted the ex did decide that if I wasn't going to fall for his " let's start again " ploy  then he was going to become a little bit awkward about a few things along the way but I stuck to my guns and kept on ploughing forward . There was nothing that could of changed my mind at that particular time , no more was I going to let myself be continuously suffercated or smothered by someone else's words and actions . I overcame everything that was thrown in my direction to try to stop me but I just kept on going forward because I knew there had to be a much better life story out there for me somewhere . 

  Abusers don't ever like to be wrong in fact they can't stand it and they most certainly don't ever like to lose at anything so do expect a few major temper tantrums along the way if your thinking of doing it , they will stamp their precious little feet , do the classic screaming and shouting thing and chuck their toys out the pram in anger but don't ever give in to them . First you will get the tears and the heart broken looks and when these don't have any effect next will come the anger , this part is where it can get a little bit tricky at times but once it finally dawns on them that your serious they tend to quiet down a bit , they may still try to throw the odd spanner in the works but it's normally nothing that can't be sorted .

Trust me that freedom feeling you can get afterwards is well worth every threat , every snarl and every spiteful comment , its way better than any medicine a doctor might prescribe and its more powerful than any passing tornado .

 You will be totally shocked at just how strong you really are when you really need to be ( mentally strong not physically ) and it's that part that can keep driving you forward . Seriously if I can do everything that I'm doing now so can anyone just believe in it and it will happen .

  Abusers don't ever in my book deserve any second , third or even fourth chances , if they had played nice in the first place you wouldn't have had to make that big decision to walk away in the first place . They say they will change and yes they may do for a brief spell ( which proves they know exactly what they are doing ) but then it will all starts yet again and in some cases it then can become twice as bad as it was  before .

   One day I woke up and decided that in order to change the complete horror story that I was living I needed to turn the page . No-one else was going to do it for me , I had to do it by myself and for myself and it then gradually went from a Bram Stoker horror story to a brand new completely differant exciting new one instead and all created by myself  .

What an adventure story I'm having now!!!!

 It's all full of daring good deeds , happy endings and there's a handsome Prince chucked in there for good measure too 😊 .

The big bad wolf is no longer in my life anymore trying to blow my house down and this apprent " fat , usless and ugly "  duckling has finally now grown into a beautiful Swan  ( well almost anyway 😏 ) . My own personal Fairy God- mother ( she better be a slightly Steampunk version !! ) has waved her magic wand and yes as if by magic I can now go to whatever Ball I want to  , wearing what ever I want to and with who ever I want to , there is no clock striking midnight for me to panic about anymore and there is deffinatly no ugly nasty evil step mother waiting for my return .

  

 Seriously though if your reading this thinking I wish I could do that but I'm not brave enough just remember that life is far too short to waste anynof it and you only get one go at it so why not turn your own page and begin a whole new amazing brilliant story .  Granted some of the story may get a little bit scary along the way but just keep on reading and keep on turning those pages because there's always a happy ever after at the end of it  .

Happy endings can and will happen to you too if you wish hard enough on a shooting star and if that star seems broken or isn't working properly then just simply change it to a better brighter one instead ⭐️ .

 

    

Why start and why continue ?

 

My domestic abuse story first started in 1986 and it continued for an unbelievable 28 years !

Just like the trees in the photo above ( photo taken by myself ) the domestic abuse started small just like a seed but it eventually grew into epic proportions untill it become almost too big to deal with .

During that time I delt with what seemed like endless emotional abuse , financial abuse , basically rape ( I may of agreed to it but only after being intimidated into it ) .

 None of the above was particularly pleasant ( she says using classic British sarcasm ) and no it wasn't obvious what my life was going to be like when the relationship first started and it took a good couple of years for that seed of abuse to firmly take root and grow  .

  I've already explained a couple of times now at of why I felt that I needed to put all my memories and thoughts about what had happened down somewhere and yes its been a fantastic way to process all those past events whilst giving myself some very much needed therapy at the same tine , at the start it was all for purely selfish reasons and its certainly helped put a few ghosts to bed along the way . 

   I never really realised just how many people out there who have been through similar or even worse untill I joined up with Twitter , Facebook , Quora , Instagram,  X ( was Twitter ) and Threads , this then gave me the crazy notion of maybe keep going with these posts so that others could see you can survive abuse and you dont have to be all alone .

 

  I'm a bit of a Frank Sinatra/Ratpack fan and hanging on one of my walls is this......

It sums up exactly how I live my life now ......my way !!

My life now isn't always perfect ( who can honestly say theirs is ?) but it's all now lived under my rules and no one else's . 

If you read that little profile thing at the side that explains about who I am , you will see that I'm as much in control of my own life as I possibility can be and I am now a eternal annoying optimist . No one will ever control the way I live my life again .

 

 Now I'm about to ask anyone out there who may read this for a massive favour .... I need your help . 

I need followers , I need others to help spread the word about how you can go forward after domestic abuse ,  I need others to help show how much stronger you can become afterwards  . 

Between us all we can show others that they are not and never will be alone .

Those who have been there will know exactly how dark , lonely and oppressive it can all feel whilst being abused and that's why it's really important for us survivors to stick together and shout out loud about our various abuse so it then can encourage others who are still going through it to see how wrong it all is and that life can become great again .

 The only way to beat those total waste of space evil abusers is to outnumber them , bullies are nothing but groveling pathetic little cowards really when someone or something bigger comes along and together we can be that something bigger .

  

 As a mass group from all over the world we can all help slowly send all the abusers back under the slimy little grotty rocks they originally came from , together we can reach out and help guide those that may need it . 

 You should never be afraid of a domestic abuser but the abusers should be afraid of us survivors !!

I have never and will never treat someone else the way I was once treated , I was raised to have respect for others and to treat other people how I wish to be treated myself , I'd like to think I have taught my children the same good manners I was once taught and they in turn will pass it all on . 

Its a massive shame that all the abusers out there were obviously not given the same lessons in life or else they wouldn't be way they are . 

You are not born with with the ability to abuse someone , it's all learnt from someone else and the pathetic excuses of " I cant help it , its just the way I am" or " you made me do it " are just proves that they were allowed to get away with it growing up and never taught to take responsibility for their own actions . 

There is and never will be a good enough excuse or reason for those that abuse someone else , there is only one person doing it all and thats the abuser , no one else is raising their hand in order to strike out at someone and no one else is forcing them to do things like  they do to others .

Thankgully not all abusers children turn out just like them but unfortunatly some do and so it goes on and it will keep going on untill we start educating others about how wrong it all is .

Some will listern and some won't but those that do hear will inform others along the way . 

  One day eventually before the sun finally burns itself out I hope that everyone will live non abusive life's and the world becomes a much better place but unfortunatly I doubt very much it will ever happen in my lifetime .

 So untill that day gets here I will continue being grateful for ever setting sun I see and I'll look forward to the next brand new day with excited anticipation never knowing what surprises it may bring .

 ( photo used below from my own collection taken by myself ) 

Money , money , money.

 

  

 Money , we all want it , most work hard for it but sometimes just sometimes your not allowed to keep it ......

Living with a narcissist can be like living with your own private and personal Mr Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol . 

What's yours is theirs but what's theirs is their own , they don't seem to have the ability to know how to give or to share they just only seen to know how to keep eveything ( even if they don't really want it ) .

 Now back to Mr Scrooge.... he was once a very greedy , sad and I think lonely man and getting more was never quite enough for him , he didn't care that others were going without or suffering , he didn't care about anyone else but his own self , but then late one Christmas eve he got lucky and he had a second chance given to him by his 3 very special visitors who each taught him various valuable life lessons .

When he woke up on Christmas morning he then begun to try to change his ways for the better and he started to give as well as to recieve . 

  

   

   I remember all to well not having any control over any money that came in or out , for a lot of years . I wasn't allowed to have a job let alone my own bank account . I made do with a tiny amount given in the form of Child Benifits payments ( even that took a lot of arguments to be able to keep ) . I was told on a regular basis that we were really poor and hadn't got enough money but strangly enough nice new computers , PlayStations , cars and even bigger than before televisions would suddenly appear as if by magic ( all things brought and apparently very much needed by my ex of course ) .

  Domestic abusers or Narcissists love nothing more than to control all things and money is just one of the many ways they try to do it  , they will use it to take advantage of someone or as emotional blackmail their not bothered just as long as it gets the end result that they are after .

They all seem to love watching others beg , plead or even grovel even if it's only for just a couple of pound thats needed , they will give that look of " consider yourself extremely lucky  " as they hand it over reluctantly and then remind you a few days later you still owe them for that bottle of milk or loaf of bread you brought the other day in order so you could make them their coffee or toast 🤔 .

  

      

      

Nowadays I'm in reasonably good control of my own funds , nobody tells me what I can and can't do with it ( apart from the bank obviously ) and if I decide I want to waste my own well earnt money and buy a lovely pair of high heeled  black leather thigh high boots and a bright pink Tutu to wear then I bloody well will !!!!!

I now count myself extremly lucky I don't and never have had expensive taste , I appreciate everything no matter how small it might be that I have in my life , personally I don't think domestic abusers or narcissists have the same thinking or ability, they see it and they just want it regardless of what it takes to get it and then when they do finally get it and the novelty wears off they don't want it anymore and then want something else instead  .... Crazy isn't it but that's the kind of world they live in . 

 Its another really excellent reason why I had to end my 28yr  bad existence of domestic abuse a few years ago along with numerous other reasons , and If I can totally supprise myself and take back my own slightly warped quite often scatty life then so can anyone else . 

 I'm no longer like the character Bob Cratchit in someone elses Christmas Carol and I've sent my now ex version of Ebenezer Scrooge  to go and live in someone elses story (apologies to who ever has to tolerate him next ) . 

I think it's going to take a lot more than three slightly spooky ghosts to change his warped and twisted ways ( his still doing his controling to others thing and still blaming everyone else ) , 

 I'm now writting my story of domestic abuse for all to read and I get to decide how it continues and how it ends , those that read it can decide who the villain is and who the hero could be because it all depends on how you look at things . 

Life is all about making up your own mind about things and that's exactly the same opportunity I'm giving anyone who decide to read any of my posts . 

 I don't want anyone's pity let alone get any 

sympathy but what I do want is the understanding that domestic abuse can happen to absolutly anyone and if you think it could be happening to someone you know then just be ready to be there when they really need it .

I still don't have an awful lot of money to my name but at least what I do have now is all my own , I now no longer have to feel like I'm being held to ransom if I ask to borrow anything and no longer am I being pressured and intimidated into having sex just because I couldn't pay back the money I asked for in order to but the bread to make his stupid sandwich . 

  

Now I'm living my own story and my days I've decided should  always end with a golden sunset  !!

( photo used below from my own collection ) .

   

       

     

   

Trust.

 

Trust may only be a small five letter word but it's one of the biggest things you will ever have to do in your life .....

From the very moment you are born you will need to put your trust in other people , the nurses or doctors that help you take your first breath and your parents for the decisions they take to raise you .  

  You need to trust your teachers to help provide you with the right education to see you through life that then this in turn leads you to having to trust your future Boss and work colleagues , the list of people you need to trust in life just goes on and on .

 Then you'd like to think that whoever you decided to settle down and spend your future with would trust you just as much as you trust them but unfortunatly this isn't always the case , You may trust them but they may not necessarily always share the same level of trust back and this is where some problems can lay. 

Domestic abusers have a major serious lack of trust with anything , everyone and anyone and especially with the person they are with at the time and the same person who they are supposed to care about . 

Because of their total and complete lack of trust you could find yourself not able to do some of the more normal everyday things in life . 

  Personally I wasn't allowed to have a bank account , work or spend too long doing anything else that didn't invole putting my now ex at the centre of my attention and because I simply wasnt trusted I therefore wasnt allowed to do anything , go anywhere or speak to anyone ( especially not the opposite sex ) . 

Even just taking a quick five minute trip to the local supermarket for a loaf of bread or a top up of more milk had to be done with full military persission timing or else I could fully expect my phone to ring and I could find myself either having to put my camera on to prove where I was or hold my phone in the air so the background noises could be heard (  with no thought given on how daft I might of looked at the time ) .

You naturally want to trust who you are with not to hurt or harm you in any way but that trust can get slowly and painfully broken down once the abuse starts , it can creep up on you unexpectedly just when you least expect it and then slowly it all begins to take-over your entire being , if you some how manage to escape from your abusers web a valuable part of your jigsaw puzzle in life then becomes lost and its that special little piece you need called trust .

  It may only be a small piece but it's crucial part and it's really difficult to live life without it , it's not untill you stop to think about it that you realise just how many people and things you need to put your trust in during one single day .

Can you genuinely hold your hand up high and declare , yes I have the capability to put my trust in someone else !!!! ?......

 I might of taken me a brief spell to get there while but yes I can say I have my lost trust back , I still rely a lot on my intuition about some people but as a rule its never really let me down . 

If I'm unsure about someone then I always try to give them a fair chance  , some become life long trusted friends and some are just left to annoy someone else in a differentplace preferably .

Those that become friends are just like a true diamond , they are very rare but incredibly valuable and I certainly wouldn't be where I am without them ( they know who they are and that I will never be able to thank them enough ) .

 

 

Then you have to make that massive big decision of can you ever trust someone else in your life again ?....

 No one else can make that decision for you but yourself , yes you can simply just wrap yourself up in a form of bubble wrap to protect yourself for the rest of your life never trusting anyone ever again or you can take a great big deep breath , take the lesp and try again to find the missing piece of your puzzle with someone else , if your lucky the trust you once lost will be easey to get re-found once again and life can then just continue in its own sweet contented little way .

Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't and sometimes you may need to just keep on trying with it but you will never know untill you give it a go and put your trust out there with someone . You may need to start your entire jigsaw puzzle all over again but it can and will be all worth it in the end and the end result could be a great improvement on the last picture you were trying to create . 

Piece by piece start slowly putting it all thse pieces back together again  making sure you are totally happy that each and every bit fits exactly way you want it to be  , Never try to rush it and just always take your time , it's your future your building so why not make it a good one 😊 .

It's your own personal jigsaw so why not design it your own unique way and in your own time , you get to choose what's in the end result so don't waste your time on anything fake and slways use the real pieces that fit .

  Always believe that one day you will find all those valuable missing pieces and that jigsaw will finally get completed ,  maybe not as fast as you may like it but it will and can  happen and your life will start to begin feeling complete too .

                     

  I was lucky and found my missing piece 😊

.

Male Domestic Abuse.

Search for domestic abuse online and what do you get ? You'll find some great advice and amazing helpful groups to ring and loads of information for women ......

  But what about the guys out there dont they need help too ?  Why don't they get the same sort of support as the women ?...

 Granted yes it is out there but it's not always that easy to find and unfortunately it's not so easy for them to talk about it . 

Isn't male abuse exactly the same as female abuse ?......

Unfortunately not in all cases , the abuse may be  similar but the aftercare isn't always .

Male domestic abuse is an even bigger elephant in the room that female abuse and that's just not good enough . All abuse victims should be treated in exactly the same regardless of who you are . 

The group above called Mankind are based in England and I'm fairly sure other countries will have similar versions of their own ,  I know of the amazing work of this group because I've met some people that they have successfully helped .

 Surviving abuse is a tough enough road to travel on at the best of times but for the men out there it must be an even tougher journey .  

  The police certainly don't always want to take it as seriously and if there's children envolved in the relationship the mother still automatically gets to keep them even if it's her that was the abuser in the first place and with no questions asked ( wrong on so many variouse levels if you ask me ) . In order to win custody of any children involved has to endure many years of fighting , prove he can be a good hard working father , have a possible police check to make sure he has a clean police record and then have variouse questions given to him in order to prove he  can do the job proberly . 

 What checks or questions does the mother get ?......

Nothing . 

She is automatically awarded care of the children without having any tests or checks even if she is known to be the domestic abuser .

 Meanwhile the poor father is just left

having to just except it and see his children when and if its allowed , how can all that be fair to the father ?....

Your right it isn't fair and he will be wondering why the system is so one sided. 

If a domestic abusive relationship the police end it getting called who do you think they will question first ?.....

  Yes in the real life both parties should be treated equally but that isn't always the case plus it depends on just how good an actress the woman can be .

 If the police are called and the women declared she was physically attacked the  father would have been arrested almost straight away and put in a police cell ( fair enough ) but when he finally gets a chance to talk about his side do you honestly think he will be believed  ?......

Unfortunately I doubt it very much too .

Now turn it around , if the man had rung and said he'd been physically attacked by the woman would the woman be arrested straight away or would the police question it further before they do ( especially if there's a lack of evidence or witnesses)  , is this fair treatment ? ........ 

No not even close to it  !!!!!!

   This is something I personally feel really strongly about because men and women should have identical treatment , support and aftercare but in a lot of cases it doesn't happen . There's not nearly enough refuges for men and even then I know of examples of where the aftercare has been virtually non-existent  . 

Again this is not good enough !

   If you are male and are or have suffered from domestic abuse please just keep going , the few groups out there that can help you will do as much as they possibly can to support you . 

Everything I write is meant for all and yes of course it includes the boys out there , why would I exclude them ?  , they need exactly the same help as anyone else .  

The blog email that can be found in my profile is for all , male or female and I will exactly the same confidentiality to all , Its there in case anyone feels the need to reach out for support ( I may not have the answers but I will listern ) .

  

I once unfortunately had to leave a domestic abuse Facebook group because they made the ridiculous decision they were going to become ladies only , I asked why and their answer was simply because abusers were finding and contacting their victims through it........excuse me but shouldn't they have sorted out their privacy settings first rather than automatically assume all the abusers had to be male !!!!!

Yep as you've guessed I was totally and utterly gobsmacked with the answer and promptly left following them and I kindly informed them just how ridiculous their excuse was , I know there was a few gentlemen that were brave enough to use it so why on earth exclude them ? .....

This is a perfect example of how totally and completely unfair it is for any male that's being abused  and how disgusting it is to instantly blame them for what could be going on at home . Trying to find an image stating that abuse towards men needs to stop was virtually impossible ( which in itself is outrageous) so I decided there needed to be one and here it is , please feel free to share it , screenshot it and use it if needed ( it's made by me so full permission given to do as you like with it ) .

  

Wake up !!!! It doesn't matter if your male  female , gay , straight or even Alien domestic abuse is exactly the same thing and everyone should be treated the same way .

Everything I have ever posted on here , facebook , Instagram , Threads , X ( was Twitter ) and Quora are meant for all , I will never instantly condem or judge others .

Please find below the contact details for the English group Mankind . ( many apologies to other countries ) . They will listern and help and most importantly they will not automatically blame or accuse .