Love shouldn't hurt .

 

It's now just only one week left till the excitement of Christmas day .

  Everyone should now be super busy making sure all the gifts are brought , the Christmas cards all written in and sent and everyones favourite the sprouts have been on the boil since July . 

  The world is now all geared up ( well, almost anyway ) for Christmas day , but is it really ?.....

   There will still be that unique group of people out there who are dreading it , not because of the preparation of the glorious Christmas day dinner that's expected but because those people now have possibly a whole week or even longer living with their domestic abuser with no day off from it . 

It's times like this that those that are abused don't look forward to because they know what could happen to them , abusers will reach their ultimate boiling point far too quickly and their victims spend their time constantly on guard always being prepared for the expected .

  Who has a nice drink or three/four on Christmas eve ?.. ..

 You get all glammed up and you're off down to the local pub to share the Christmas spirit with friends or family , you have a few glasses of something nice and then at the end of the night you spend some time saying your merry Christmas's , having a hug and kiss then all say " see you next year !! " , next comes the slightly wobbly walk back home and then sleep in your bed ready for the mornings excitement .

  

  Unfortunately, it doesn't work the same when you're involved in a domestic abusive relationship , they have a drink, and the abuse can escalate to a ridiculous level . There's no hugs or kisses, just viscous verble emotional or physical abuse . If it hadn't started on Christmas eve then it will happen at some point , for some strange and unknown reason all abusers seem to have a strong dislike of anything or anyone being happy , they don't seem to have that part wired up properly in their brains so they then do the only thing they know how to do and that's lash out out someone or something .

  Opening presents should be full of gratitude , happiness and laughter but not from an abuser , if your really lucky, you may get a brief thank you thrown randomly in your direction but within the hour you will start to get the comments like " I've never liked that sort of chocolate anyway " , " what am I supposed to do with that ? " or if your really lucky, you could find that gift up so lovingly brought and wrapped up go sailing through the air and land shattered or broken on the floor. 

No I don't have a clue either why it's times like Christmas, Easter or any other holiday ( Covid lockdowns included of course ) that seem to just bring out the worse in a domestic abuser but it just does and there will hundreds of people out there dreading it and what it can bring . 

  That's exactly why I'm writting this today because I'm asking for everyone to think about those that don't have such a merry little Christmas . I once wasted far too much of my valuable years trying to make Christmas what it should be for my children , yes they had loads of great Christmas's but never as good as they should of been . One year they clearly heard Father Christmas throw a massive temper tantrum chucking cardboard boxes around downstairs which was excused by saying naughty Rudolph had a disagreement with another reindeer over who wanted to be at the front of the sleigh ( thankfully believed and they went back to sleep after being told I'd put an extra carrot out for them all ) .

   Thanks to my now exs inability to control his stupid child like temper my children who where still quite young at time nearly had their whole illusions of Father Christmas shattered , they still remember it evensfter all this time  ,  their all grown up and laugh about it now of course ( thankfully they have my sense of humour ) .

  Please listern out for anything that doesn't sound right on your travels this christmas , I'm not for one single minute suggesting you interfer in anything but if you suspect someone is in any possible danger of getting physically hurt then please don't hesitate to make that anonymous phone call to the police, it could be the greatest present you could give to someone this Christmas . 

Next bit comes and its New Years Eve with again people possibly enjoying themselves with variouse glasses of their favourite drink and come those chimes at midnight there will be not only the traditional New Years resolution 's but also drunken domestic abusers ready for the next round of pain and suffering . Abusers will always be out there somewhere and any alcohol intake just makes them feel even more super invincible, this time of year is never easy if your a victim of domestic abuse , if you feel you need to scream , shout or even swear to someone else during this or any other time then please find the blog email in my profile ( I'll most likely join in with the swearing too ) , I'm not a therapist or a counsellor but I am a survivor and know exactly what this time of year can be like when you have to tolerate living with a domestic abuser. 

  As usual let's end on a positive happy thought .......

   Christmas is a time for loving all family and good friends . It's about sharing the laughter and the smiles , enjoy the time with those you care about and don't forget those that may not have that outstanding Christmas dinner to look forward to or that joy of having a family , we all cook extra on christmas day so why not share it with someone who may need it ? 🤔

Final photo is one of my own .

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 

 

Once upon a time .

Domestic abuse is nobody's fairy tale and here's a good example  .......

 Once upon a time, there was once a very gloomy , sad , unforgiving , desperately dark place . There wasn't any joy or happiness allowed there and smiling was considered a serious major crime , if any of the many many rules were broken then there would be an instant punishment given with no judge or jury to plead your case to and solitary confinement was a favourite given penalty that could last possibly for weeks .

    

 

 The ruler of this extremely unforgiving place was a mean and vindictive person , he seemed to thrive very well on all the dark harshness he insisted on being surrounded by . He enjoyed nothing more than making each and every day as dark and as gloomy as he possibly could and making other peoples lives miserable just seemed to make himself feel even more stronger so he made it his mission to be all powerful by controlling other people's lives . He believed that anyone below him should be eternally grateful for whatever tiny morsal of his attention he decided to hand out , but this was rare, and he always expected to be given total recognition from all around him . 

  Now, there also happened to be living in this same place a fair maiden . She was by nature a reasonably passive, mild-mannered happy thinking sort of person . She had a strong dislike for any bad dark things in life, and she always tried to see beauty , light and calmness all around her . Sometimes, when the dreaded darkness decended down a bit too far, she struggled fighting against it , but the battle never lasted that long, and she always somehow managed to return back to herself once again .

 As the years rolled by in the dark place the loneness of this dismal existence just kept on growing ,  just like a weed it tried to suffercate and smother anything or anyone that got in its way , it crept under doors , it squeezed through the small gaps in bricks and somehow even managed to move through the glass in windows . All this was controlled by one person and that was the ruler and he never cared who or what was affected by it . The darker his world became , the safer and more secure he felt in his little kingdom , he laughed if anyone dared to challenge his authority, and he never hesitated in making sure the perpetrator of any crime commited was condemned to suffer for a long period of time .

    In the Rulers' eyes , any form of escape was fruitile , the invisible chains that were worn by all those that lived in the dark place were strong and seemed virtually unbreakable . These chains were heavy and became even heavier over time , the chains were silently worn and completely unseen by those who didn't live in the dark place . The ruler would wear a mask to confuse those who lived on the outside of the dark place , they would only ever see the nice happy person and never  who the dark ruler really was . 

The fair maiden woke up one day and realised that maybe just maybe there could possibly be a way to break away from all the darkness . It wasn't going to be easy , and she knew she would have to be strong . Her plain was a reasonably simplistic one.... why not battle all the negativity with positivity ?...  She knew she was lucky to have been able to keep enough positivity in reserve to begin the fight back and hoped that it would begin to grow as she went on . The first step to freedom would be the hardest, and she knew once she started, there would be no turning back , so she gathered together all the last remaining grains of inner strength she had , took a deep breath and then began to run .

It didn't take long for the dark ruler to discover this unforgivable crime, and he tried everything in his power to recapture what he thought was once his property . He stamped his feet , he tried to raise a small army , he tried to put blockades in every possible road but it was all to no good the Fair Maiden had broken out and was now running faster than he ever could in order to catch her .The ruler was furious , how dare someone humiliate him by not allowing him to control their every move and how atrocious that the fair maiden was spreading the word about the nightmares in the dark place .

The fair maiden spoke to many people on her travels in order to get help , and she was thankful that she was believed by all . She was surprised to discover that there was more than just one dark place , and in fact she wasn't the only one who had managed to escape , she learnt that there were many various forms of dark places and some Rulers were even more horrendous than hers used to be . From then on she decided to help all those that had either had to once endure time in a dark place and those that are still living in one . She was under no illusion that it would never be an easy task but she was determined that she would try to help and encourage others to have the same strength she had .

Gaining a happy ever after is down to the individual , everyone can have it but its how it's found that really counts . 

As you've probably guessed by now this is a fairy tale all based on fact and it certainly was'nt my idea of a good fairy tale . My now ex domestic abuser played the role of the nasty Ruler and yes I took on the role of the fair maiden .  

What's my own personal happy ever after now ? .......

    It's sitting here , relaxing writing this and enjoying the fact that I chose when to put the Christmas decorations up and I dont care less that none of it is matching or colour co-ordinated and the tree is full of sparkling muti coloured bright dazzling lights that can be seen by others as they walk along the path outside . It's knowing that I beat the ruler and his darkness rules , I'm now the only ruler of my own busy , quite often scatty but pretty bloody brilliant world now  !!!  My ex- ruler failed to keep me imprisoned in his relm of bitterness and darkness , he failed to take away my inner strength and he failed to stop me shouting out loud that there is only one ultimate failure of that particular time in my life and that was him !!

    

 

 

  

  

  

 

 

  

    

12 days of Christmas.

Everyone knows of the twelve days of Christmas but this is my domestic abuser version .........

                 🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.....A filthy look thrown at me .

                            🎶 🎶 🎶

On the second day of Christmas  my true love gave to me...... 2 Sarcastic Comments                             and a filthy look thrown at me.

                           🎶 🎶 🎶

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...... 3 spiteful words

                            2 sarcastic comments

                       and a filthy look thrown at me .

                           🎶 🎶 🎶

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...... 4 temper tantrums

                            3 spiteful words 

                            2 sarcastic comments 

                         and a filthy look thrown at me. 

                            🎶 🎶 🎶

On the fifth day of Christmas,  my true love gave to me......5 sleepless nights

                           4 temper tantrums 

                           3 spiteful words 

                           2 sarcastic comments 

                        and a filthy look thrown at me. 

                              🎶 🎶 🎶

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ......6 painful bruises 

                            5 sleepness nights

                            4 temper tantrums 

                            3 spiteful words 

                            2 sarcastic comments 

                        and a filthy look thrown at me. 

                              🎶 🎶 🎶

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me......7 separate blackeyes

                          6 painful bruises

                          5 sleepless nights 

                          4 temper tantrums 

                          3 spiteful words 

                          2 sarcastic comments 

                        and a filthy look thrown at me. 

                             🎶 🎶 🎶

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me......8 depression days

                           7 separate blackeyes 

                           6 painful bruises 

                           5 sleepless nights

                           4 temper tantrums 

                           3 spiteful words 

                           2 sarcastic comments 

                        and a filthy look thrown at me. 

                             🎶 🎶 🎶

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me......9 not seeing family days

                           8 depression days

                           7 separate blackeyes 

                           6 painful bruises 

                           5 sleepless nights 

                           4 temper tantrums 

                           3 spiteful words 

                           2 sarcastic comments 

                       and a filthy look thrown at me. 

                               🎶 🎶 🎶

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave me.......10 helpful phone calls

                         9 not seeing family days 

                         8 depression days

                         7 separate blackeyes 

                         6 painful bruises 

                         5 sleepless nights 

                         4 temper tantrums 

                         3 spiteful words 

                         2 sarcastic comments 

                       and a filthy look thrown at me. 

                                 🎶 🎶 🎶

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me......11 days of secret planning

                           10 helpful phonecalls

                            9 not seeing family days

                            8 depression days

                            7 separate blackeyes 

                            6 painful bruises 

                            5 sleepless nights 

                            4 temper tantrums 

                            3 spiteful words 

                            2 sarcastic comments 

                      and a filthy look thrown at me. 

                               🎶 🎶 🎶

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me......12 days of blissful freedom 

                           11 days of secret planning 

                           10 helpful phonecalls

                             9 not seeing family days

                             8 depression days

                             7 separate blackeyes 

                             6 painful bruises 

                             5 sleepless nights 

                             4 temper tantrums 

                             3 spiteful words 

                             2 sarcastic comments 

                        and a filthy look thrown at me. 

           

                 🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

     

  The above shows just how quickly domestic abuse can creep up and then escalate when you least expect it , it also proves that all it takes is a few phone calls and a load of trust to break away from it .

 Christmas time can be a dark place for those on a domestically abusive relationship , there's not a lot of joy to the world or Silent nights but there is a mass of uncalled for and unneeded physical or emotional abuse attached . Instead of a time of year where wonderful memories can be made there can be nothing but fear , abusers seem to like ruining everyone elses fun and for some strange and unknown  reason, and they can't seem to cope  watching others enjoying themselves. I've never really worked out why they have to do what they do but having had to deal with more than my fair share of miserable Christmases I can  fully sympathise with those that still have to put up with it all .

If your one of those still ploughing your way through a bad abusive relationship why not make it your new years resolution to leave that life behind and start again ? It may not be simplistic or easy at times but I can garrentee life will become a brighter, better place if you give it a chance . 

  There's some amazing groups out there who will listern and never judge you they can guide  you at your own pace without rushing you . Never be afraid to ask for help ,  it's that first step that's the most scary part and then after that it can  get easier as time goes by .  

I remember that first morning after I had informed my now ex I wasn't going to put up with his appalling behavour anymore and that he was told to go before the police got informed of his actions , granted it didn't go down that well at the time but I refused to back down like I always used to .  I woke up that morning feeling like I had lost the dark unforgiving cloud that had been following me around for years , my smile had returned and most importantly that feeling of regaining my sanity and freedom felt outstanding !!!!!   I knew there was a lot to sort out and that a certain person wasn't ever going to go quietly but now my head was becoming clearer and the fog had been lifted I knew there was no stopping me and in fact I even supprised myself with how I wasn't as stupid as I was lead to believe I once was .

 Freedom from domestic abuse isn't something that you can tell someone else to do because they have to be ready to do it in their own time without being pushed to take that jump . It can take a couple of weeks or like in my case years but when that person wakes up like I did then be ready to be that much needed and trusted friend . 

 As I've mentioned endlessly on almost every post I can be found on Facebook , Instagram , Quora,  Threads and X . If your not ready to trust or talk to someone but just need to scream , shout or swear then just find my Blog email in my profile ( all communication 100% confidential) . 

  

  

 

                           

Love and marriage.

 

9

Does marriage make a relationship?.......

Personally no , I dont think it does , I fully believe its what you put into it that really counts .

A lot of domestic abusers seem to have the totally strange notion that giving a ring be it an engagment or wedding to someone else means they then now own you , in fact my now ex had the not so bright idea of maybe getting " property of "engraved in my ring ( thankfully never happened) .

  Marriage can be a most wonderful thing and in some cases it works beautifully and in some it sort of just doesn't but when it comes to domestic abuse its the equivalent of being given a life sentence .

 I've never been completely sure why someone would feel the desire to actually think that they have the right to own someone and considering that person is supposed to love you it then makes no sense at all.  I've got absolutely nothing against people getting married or marriage in general. The older I get I now except more that its proberly something I've just not got round to but life is always full of surprises so I now just say never say never .

 Being in a domestic abusive relationship married or not still isn't a great place to be and an abuser won't stop just because you may of agreed to marry them . To a certain point leaving or escaping from an abuser is pretty much the same married or not ( granted having children can complicate things a little bit ) but with enough inner strengh it can always be achieved eventually and the impossible dream can then become possible. 

I've been to many weddings over the years and  some have unfortunately not worked out and some are as true as the vows taken even after many years , some have been major grand affairs costing mega amounts of money and some have been simple quite events with just close family , in my mind it's not about how much money thats spent , whose invited or how expensive the dress might cost but its more about the couple who are standing there at the time . In all cases anyone getting married should do it because they want to and not because someone else wants them to . 

Like I said It's just my own personal view on things and everyone has their own opinions on it , as the late great W.C Fields once said " marriage  is a great institution,  but I'm not ready to in one of those places yet !"  and maybe its not such a bad way to think when dealing with someone whose domestically abusing you 🤔 .

  I may of agreed at the time I was asked to get engaged  but I have to admit I'm extremly pleased I never did get married to him ( I should have seen the warning sign when within seconds of getting my ring I was promptly handed the receipt for it 🚩) .

 It wasn't that many years ago that couples were expected to marry young and regardless of what ever went on behind closed doors they were supposed keep on going with it ,  divorce was considered bad and it was never an easy or cheap option , domestic abuse or not you still had to just keep on going . I actually once knew of a couple that were married well before World War 2 broke out and then both ending up hating each other whilst still living together for years untill finally the husband died ,  turned out he had been emotionally abusive for all those years but the wife never said a word to anyone untill his funeral . Using her words " am I too old to get a toyboy now " ( she was 89 at the time ) she happily lived her final years laughing and loving her life ( and I dedicate this post to that phenomenal woman ) .  

Could you have tolerated living a life like the lady above ?...

No I don't think I could of either . She believed that when she said " for richer and for poorer " and " till death do us part " it was for the rest if her life and she kept true to her words .  

   Nowadays it's all a lot easier , people can live together for years without ever getting married and they still show the same commitment to each other . Domestic abuse can still happen but just like in my case there was no messy court case or divorce to deal with and I never had the nightmare of still having to carry my abusers surname ( my children still have it but I can live with that ) .  Relationships married or not need a bit of work sometimes and all couples have their disagreements occasionally but if domestic abuse is involved then that can completely change how things work because no matter how hard you try to make things work you can still feel like your getting no where fast .

  The Key to life is to be always true to yourself , if something in the back of your mind says that something doesn't feel quite right then don't do it and never forget you only ever get to live one life so why not make the most of it , there is only one person on this earth who is allowed to control your every breath and that's yourself , make those mistakes and then learn from them . Never be afraid to have your own personal opinion on things , Its something everyone should do and then if someone else doesn't like it then why not simply just agree to disagree . 

  If you wake up one morning thinking like I did a few years ago that you can't keep going in the nightmare of domestic abuse then it's entirely up to you when it comes to unlocking that door to freedom , it's only you that can make that final decision to open that door.....

  

 

 

 

 

   

  

December Time .

 

Emotional domestic abuse can be totally soul destroying , it can drain away every single drop of someone's normal logical thinking.

 

   As I've mentioned in almost every post I was emotionally and mentally domestically abused for 28 ridiculously long years and almost to the point where I had forgotten who I really was . 

  This time of year was always hardest to deal with , it was all done almost robotically with added dread of what the Christmas break could be like . At one point I even lost my Christmas mojo 😳 !!!! , there was no real interest or eagerness to buy presents ( always limited funds ) , no christmas jingle and the only thing that kept me going was the simple fact I had young children at the time and so I'd remind myself Christmas was for them and I was just being selfish  . 

 Christmas eve was spent madley wrapping up the last few things,  making sure the stockings were placed by the tree , mince pie , a carrot and a glass of milk for Mr Claus ( wasn't going to encourage him to drink and drive ) and then when the children had been in bed long enough I would stand outside just below their bedroom windows shaking some jingle bells so they could hear he was close by . Then next came smuggling the presents downstairs, which could go one of two ways , either it could all go relatively smoothly or random cardboard boxes and whatever else was at hand should get thrown on the floor in a hissy fit because yet again I was completely ruining Christmas for everyone (  apprently I managed to do that somewhere along the line every year 🎄 ) . 

Christmas morning and the children were not allowed to get up at silly o'clock all excited to open everything up because they had to wait till their father decided to get up and get dressed and then they could ( sometimes they even had to wait for him to have breakfast first ) .  My morning normally involved picking up random bits of wrapping paper that had missed the rubbish bags lovingly handed round at the begining by their father and then maybe if I was really lucky I'd get my first morning cup of tea about midday . Once all the excitement had gone then came my job of preparing the Christmas dinner ( never good enough of course ) then when all was eaten I'd be the lucky one to clear the table , wash up and then put everything away ( pretty much like every day back then really 🤔 ) .

  I'd sometimes get to grab maybe a couple of hours to myself and I'd either just tidy up , find homes for presents I'd been given or enjoy a bath without any interruptions ( maybe for as long as ten whole minutes !! ) . I then had to face the rest of the holidays where dodging any possible arguments or temper tantrums aimed in my direction became the fun christmas holiday game .

My Christmas spirit was evaporating faster and faster each and every year and I'd forgotton the point behind it  . 

 

Good News !!!!..............🍾🍷🍸

My lost Christmas mojo has now returned and even though my children aren't so young anymore I now make up for lost time . Christmas eve is now seen in by sharing drinks with good friends at the local pub and my now adult children can get up whenever they want (although. they still wait for me even though they don't have to anymore ) , Christmas dinner has become a fun time with glasses of wine and terrible Christmas cracker jokes and then my good friend the dish washer gets to do his job........Happy Holidays !!! 

 As I writing all this I'm smiling because I now fully appricates what I have now and I'm grateful I've got the chance to enjoy this coming Christmas and all the others yet to come . The Christmas music is due to excape from Alexa and the where to hide the presents for others game is in full motion .

  🎄  Christmas is all about family and sharing the all important love to all , its about laughter, joy and happiness. Whether you go the what ever your religious route may be , the non religious route or you don't celebrate it at all then at least let's still all join together and just for that one day have peace on earth .

There are and will be some people either homeless or on their own this year they deserve a thought and if you pass someone sheltering in their sleeping bag trying to keep warm why not dimply just offer to buy them a tea/coffee or even a sandwich ( sometimes a better option than just handing over your loose change ). It doesn't matter how they unfortunately found themselves to be where they are but what does matter is that they are human beings too .

 This Christmas why not spare a thought for those that are elderly that live near you ,  they maybe lonely or not have any family living close by , check up on them and maybe consider either inviting them to Christmas dinner or even making up an extra plate to take to them .

None of the above is really rocket science and I now try look out for someone I know who may be on their own and then ask if they'd like to join us . Why do I bother ?.........

 Well that's a really easy one to answer and it's because I can now . . I once had a friend come to Christmas dinner one year and they ended up staying for a couple of years till they got themselves sorted out , no big deal because I know that friend would have done exactly the same for me if ever I needed it to .

   I once read a fictional short story many years ago that sort of sums up exactly what I mean  ( sorry I can't remember the author to give credit to and it was read over 30 yrs ago ) Its about a woman who for some reason or other had lost her joy of Christmas , she sat in a cafe with a coffee watching the hustle and bustle of people being busy Christmas present shopping and just not feeling the happiness . Suddenly and most unexpectedly a gentleman sat down near her and asked why she looked so sad and lonely ? her answer was that she just simply didn't feel Christmasy and was wondering if it was all worth while . The gentleman suggested they take a walk through the park to continue their conversation , as they walked they saw families having fun and laughing , they talked about themselfs and their home life and then when it was time to leave the gentleman asked if she felt any better about things , she said yes with a thankful smile . The gentleman then bent down and gave her a brief quick kiss on the cheek and said " Merry Christmas.....Pass it on " and then he left . 

 The woman never forgot that chance meeting . 

 

 

Write a letter ?

 

Surviving any form of domestic abuse is a major accomplishment, but then comes the question .....Do you attempt to write a letter to your ex trying to explain all your deepest thoughts and feelings about it to them  ?...... 

 That choice is a totally individual one , but personally no , I wouldn't waste the paper or ink on my ex because it would all be a colossal waste of my time and energy . 

 My theory is that if he really did love or care for me, why did he feel the need to be emotionally abusive towards me for all those years .  

  Yes, I could try to sit him down and explain that depriving someone of money,  friends , family, and a life in general isn't the correct way you share a life with someone and most deffinatly a ring does not mean ownership !

 I could send an extremly long detailed Email mentioning all his actions and the after effects they have left behind , how about informing him that although consensual , sex is classed as rape if your bullied into it or maybe I could just put down all the rude , offensive and vile names he used when speaking to me . Maybe I could whilst I was at it return the favour and sign it all off with my own version of names for him ( swearing included, of course ) . 

All of the above is never going to happen in my case because until an abuser recognises their own actions they will never accept its all wrong . 

 Not that I particularly want to delve into the big black hole of an abusers mind but in their thinking everything they have done or are doing is all perfectly excepable and what's wrong in wanting everything your own way .

Abusers will try their best to beg for forgiveness and promise all sorts of impossible dreams if they get caught out by someone but unfortunatly none of it is ever really meant and once they think they have gotton away with what ever they had done they will then behave for a while  but .....

 I used to get flowers , chocolates, and even the odd little cudderly toy carrying a message about love and devotion when my abuser thought he might of pushed things a bit too far  , within days that would turn back into the way things always were and I'd get accusations of being ungrateful for what ever it was that had been brought.

  Mean what you say/do and say/do what you mean  is never on an abusers rader , they just seem to thing they can do or say whatever they want whenever they want and it's everyone else's fault if things go wrong .

  If an abuser actually bothered to sit down and read a letter from their abused telling them about how much hurt and damage they have caused what sort of reaction do you think it would recieve ?......

  No I've no idea either .

 

Domestic abusers have a tendency to be completely unpredictable , so it could be that there might be tears , anger, or even both . I'm not convinced that whatever was written would be understood or excepted ,  and there's a good chance it could all be used against you when they spoke about you to some one else ( apparently I'm a mentally unstable individual who has some serious issues ) . 

 That then leads to yet another question , do abusers ever feel guilty for what they have done ?........

 That's anyone guess , if they do then they will never let it show , or rather they might if they think someone else has seen or heard what they have dimone so they then go into automatic defence mode .

 I know for a fact my ex abuser has no feelings of guilt or understanding of how wrong his behaviour is because his still doing it to others and I'm now in a unique little group comprising of his abuse victims who have successfully managed to excape , and I'm fairly positive this group is going to get even bigger as the years go by . We all agree that there's no question who is to blame when the relationship ends and we're all going to be supportive to the next person , doest always work for others but it seems to be working brilliantly for us . 

  I've asked this next question a couple of times before and I'm still non the wiser to the right answer , is it learnt behavour that causes an abuser to be the way that they are ?......

  In my exs case most deffinatly but that's just one example .

But if that's the case then why can't any of them see the damage they are creating to others and why don't they accept any blame for it ? ....

Domestic Abuse is a never ending mine field of questions that sometimes have no logical answers, variouse excuses can be made but thats all they really are just excuses and that still doesn't explain the reasons for such appalling actions . 

 No letter will ever be able to fully explain the deep down soul destroying , mentally invasive or massively dark loneness that domestic abuse can bring with it . Only those that have been there , seen it and survived it fully understand so there's probably very little chance the abuser would ever have a clue let alone want to hear or read about it . 

If your a fellow abuse victim and feel that need to put all your feelings down on paper and then  send it to your abuser then I wish you well with it and yes please do message with a reply if your lucky enough to get one (blog  email in profile if needed and 100% confidential)

  Enough negativity for today so let's end with a positive....

   Today may of been a little bit on the chilly side here in England but that Christmas feeling is begining to get in the air and regardless of my age I still kind of look forward to warm mince pies and mistletoe kisses  .

 

Final  photo used is one of my own .

  

  

 

   

 

 

 

 

  

    

 

 

 

 

Warning ⚠️

 

Warning sensitive subject matter !!!!!

 I purposely left everything here open to all to read because I've always felt domestic abuse doesn't have an age barrier on it , so why should I . The following subject matter is not only sensitive but it could possibly be slightly upsetting or a dreaded red flag trigger....my apologies for both but it's a subject that needs to be discussed . 

 Rape is the most foulest of crimes, and everyone first thinks of the obvious form but there's also another less spoken about version and it's something to this day I'm still getting my head round . I once spent 28yrs in a domestic abuse relationship, and I'd say for roughly the last 15yrs of it I was sexually abused by being raped by my now ex on a regular basis .

  Most think of rape as forced sex without consent but there's more to it than that . There is also now a law in England ( no idea about other countries sorry ) where it can also count as rape if a person is intimidated or emotionally controlled into it even though a person may of agreed to it just to keep the peace in order to stop any physical or emotional damage being done .

  So , you're now thinking to yourself " well if you've agreed where's the problem ? " but it's unfortunately the answers not always as simple as it might sound  . 

Abusers will use everything in their power to get exactly whatever they want including sex . 

 Just imagine lying in bed and your other half/partner comes up wanting a bit of fun but you don't , what's the obvious thing ?... you say no and you both curl up , say goodnight and then fall asleep .

But there is no No when it comes to being with a domestic abuser,  you will find yourself being punished for defying their demands be it physical or emotionally with cruel words , nasty comments , violence and threats of withdrawing even more money or even using emotional blackmail untill they get exactly what they want even if you don't want to . 

 Sex between two people should be a shared  experience but not in an abusers eyes , they want it and they will get it regardless of what the other person might think . They don't care if you don't want to join in because they will still continue without any loving caressing , tender kisses , foreplay and they will just carry on regardless . Then finally afterwards you can find yourself left wondering WTAF !! just happened . You lay there thinking " I'm sure it's  not supposed to be like that " meanwhile the abuser might still then complain that you never joined in or you must be having an affair if you didn't really want it with them and never once does it ever occur to them that maybe just maybe it's not the actual act of sex you don't want but it's the way that person treats you that's the problem .

  Like I've already said it's taken me a long time to accept that in my case yes although it may be classed as rape there's not a huge amount I can now do about it , the ex will of course deny everything saying that if I agreed to it then wheres the problem ? and I never once put up a fight to stop it or said anything . There was only the two of us in that room so obviously no witnesses to the event or the treatment before hand , during or after so that just leaves my word against his with no proof .

 

  I've sort of come to terms with a lot of my past experiences with my ex but trying to work out whose to blame for the rape still completely confesses me , its such a grey area when it comes to being emotionally blackmailed into having to have sex by a supposed loved one . 

  I'm now bringing up this subject in order for others to see that rape isnt always a simple case of yes or no , it can be more complicated than that and I'm positive there's more like me out there who have had to deal with similar experiences . 

Why not go to the police about your ex ? I hear you all ask but what would I say ?....

" Hello there I've just spent the last few years being raped by my partner but I agreed to it because he said he wouldn't give me the money to get my hair cut or for me to buy a bottle of milk " . 

Would you honestly expect anything to be done ?... 

    Nope me neither .

 I'm hoping that maybe after reading this particular post that others will feel a little bit more informed on the subject of domestic abuse rape , its something very few will openly discuss or admitted it happening to themselves but that doesn't mean to say it doesn't exist . If like myself you've had to go through that extremly unpleasant experience then please don't hesitate to send an email to my blog email found in my profile . I may not have all the answers , but what I do have is understanding and I'm non judgemental ( all contact will be totally 100% confidential of course ) .

  Domestic Abuse is despicable in any shape or form and it doesn't matter what colour , sex or creed you may be it's still abuse and no one ever deserves to be treated that way in life . If you've managed to escape it and survived it then I congratulate you and if your still ploughing your way through it then please never forget there will always be someone out there to help and listern to you when you are ready .

 Like I said at the start of this I apologise to anyone who may find the subject matter discussed today upsetting or if it triggers any of those ever annoying red flags but it's one of those things in life that needs to be brought into the open , not just for those that have had to deal with it but also those that are still having  to through it  . I know somewhere out there in this great big wide world there should be various support groups , helplines and charity groups that will help guide you when you need them . If you find yourself not quite ready yet to make that call then know there are hundreds of us fellow survivors writing variouse blogs or posts proving that breaking away from the darkness of domestic abuse can be done .

 

  Yes... if I'm asked now by anyone about my abuse I do bring up all the gory subject matters involved about domestic abuse because I am not and never will be ashamed of what happened to me in my past but what I am now is extremely proud of my future .

 

 

  

   

  

  

  

 

Think positive.

  

 How can I be so positive about life after living through a ridiculous 28yrs of Domestic Abuse ?

 That's an easy and simple one to answer..... I love life !!!!

 PTSD has its annoying tendency to try and sneek up on me unexpectedly but I've now learnt to spare it an odd hour or so , I share a cup if tea with it and then I shove it right back kicking and screaming to where ever it came from !!  

  I refuse to allow that all too dismal part of my past life to overtake all the positives I now have in life , if I let it overtake me then it means my now ex is still succeeding to rule my world and trust me that is something that will never happen again. 

  Grey days like today where there's almost constant rain in it's many various soggy forms and the trees have almost lost their golden autumn glow won't put me off enjoying what I now have in life , granted Its a bit to much on the wet side to enjoy sitting in the garden with a brew and a bacon sandwich or sitting at a lakeside fishing and listening to the birds song but as the saying goes " it's not bad weather only bad clothing " so the dog will still get walked and I will keep watching the skies for that ever possible glorious rainbow .

  Positive thinking isn't something that everyone finds easy to do, especially after something like domestic abuse . It's not a particularly pleasant place to find yourself in and it's equally not always as an easy place to get yourself out of either.

  Not every victim of abuse is as lucky as I was and they just can't find the inner strength to either close the door to their abuse or to just keep on living ( that's exactly how bad domestic abuse can take over your life ) , those that have never been there will never totally or fully understand exactly how over powering , dark and extremely lonely abuse can be and that's exactly why after telling my story at the beginning of all of these posts I've continued writting. 

  I don't care how many see it all , understand it or read any of it ( I do but not in a selfish way ) , but what I do really care about is reaching out and being there for others who unfortunately find themselves in a similar position. I count myself extremly lucky to be able to do what I'm now doing, and yes I fully intend to just keep on going with it for as long as .

 I proudly shout out that I'm now a survivor of domestic abuse on here , Facebook , Instagram , Quora , Threads  and X ( blog email can be found in profile if needed ) because no one has the right in life to abuse anyone . My mission is now to at least give just one person that self belief that yes there's a better life after domestic abuse and that life is so worth living .

  As my profile says I'm now a really annoying positive thinking optimist , I can see sunshine on the most darkest of days and I fully believe I should share the positive all around , if I can survive my most darkest years and still manage to come out smiling at the end of it then so can anyone else , its not always as simple as it sounds but yes it can be done if you really want it . You just simply have to train your thinking into turning every negative into a positive,  every bad day will be followed by a good one and that the best bit is that it's all out there completely for free !!

 Domestic abusers of this world only seem to really care about one thing in life and that's making sure every single thing goes their own way , they can be reasonably decent individuals when this happens but it can only take one small word to change the entire situation into a danger zone,  that one small word is ....

  That one simple little word can indirectly bring with it both emotional and/or physical pain . 

Now be honest with yourselves,  is that the right way to live a happy good life ?....

  I completely agree , life shouldn't involve spending your days dodging spiteful words or forceful fists .

 

Escaping and surviving any form of domestic abuse isn't as easy as others may think but that doesn't mean it can't be done , it just takes  a major big keep of faith and putting your trust in other people's hands . There may be times when you might doubt your own thoughts and feelings but once you start that walk to freedom it's worth every single minute . 

 The recovery from abuse can  be a constant on going thing but things can and will get better almost every day .

 When I think back now to that submissive person I used to be I find myself wondering how the hell I let it all get that bad or let it go on for such a stupidly ridiculous amount of time . Was I really that scared of someone who was supposed to love or care for me or was I do wrapped up in trying to live my life without creating any ripples that I never noticed what happen ?.....

 Now my life is my own , I still hate any forms of verbal or physical violence but if it happens I'm now more than capable of standing my own ground and as I've said before I can and will kick arse back if neeeded .

  If your reading any of this and your thinking "I wish I could do that " then why not stop wishing and just do it instead.  

Final photo used is yet again one of my own .