Write a letter ?

 

Surviving any form of domestic abuse is a major accomplishment, but then comes the question .....Do you attempt to write a letter to your ex trying to explain all your deepest thoughts and feelings about it to them  ?...... 

 That choice is a totally individual one , but personally no , I wouldn't waste the paper or ink on my ex because it would all be a colossal waste of my time and energy . 

 My theory is that if he really did love or care for me, why did he feel the need to be emotionally abusive towards me for all those years .  

  Yes, I could try to sit him down and explain that depriving someone of money,  friends , family, and a life in general isn't the correct way you share a life with someone and most deffinatly a ring does not mean ownership !

 I could send an extremly long detailed Email mentioning all his actions and the after effects they have left behind , how about informing him that although consensual , sex is classed as rape if your bullied into it or maybe I could just put down all the rude , offensive and vile names he used when speaking to me . Maybe I could whilst I was at it return the favour and sign it all off with my own version of names for him ( swearing included, of course ) . 

All of the above is never going to happen in my case because until an abuser recognises their own actions they will never accept its all wrong . 

 Not that I particularly want to delve into the big black hole of an abusers mind but in their thinking everything they have done or are doing is all perfectly excepable and what's wrong in wanting everything your own way .

Abusers will try their best to beg for forgiveness and promise all sorts of impossible dreams if they get caught out by someone but unfortunatly none of it is ever really meant and once they think they have gotton away with what ever they had done they will then behave for a while  but .....

 I used to get flowers , chocolates, and even the odd little cudderly toy carrying a message about love and devotion when my abuser thought he might of pushed things a bit too far  , within days that would turn back into the way things always were and I'd get accusations of being ungrateful for what ever it was that had been brought.

  Mean what you say/do and say/do what you mean  is never on an abusers rader , they just seem to thing they can do or say whatever they want whenever they want and it's everyone else's fault if things go wrong .

  If an abuser actually bothered to sit down and read a letter from their abused telling them about how much hurt and damage they have caused what sort of reaction do you think it would recieve ?......

  No I've no idea either .

 

Domestic abusers have a tendency to be completely unpredictable , so it could be that there might be tears , anger, or even both . I'm not convinced that whatever was written would be understood or excepted ,  and there's a good chance it could all be used against you when they spoke about you to some one else ( apparently I'm a mentally unstable individual who has some serious issues ) . 

 That then leads to yet another question , do abusers ever feel guilty for what they have done ?........

 That's anyone guess , if they do then they will never let it show , or rather they might if they think someone else has seen or heard what they have dimone so they then go into automatic defence mode .

 I know for a fact my ex abuser has no feelings of guilt or understanding of how wrong his behaviour is because his still doing it to others and I'm now in a unique little group comprising of his abuse victims who have successfully managed to excape , and I'm fairly positive this group is going to get even bigger as the years go by . We all agree that there's no question who is to blame when the relationship ends and we're all going to be supportive to the next person , doest always work for others but it seems to be working brilliantly for us . 

  I've asked this next question a couple of times before and I'm still non the wiser to the right answer , is it learnt behavour that causes an abuser to be the way that they are ?......

  In my exs case most deffinatly but that's just one example .

But if that's the case then why can't any of them see the damage they are creating to others and why don't they accept any blame for it ? ....

Domestic Abuse is a never ending mine field of questions that sometimes have no logical answers, variouse excuses can be made but thats all they really are just excuses and that still doesn't explain the reasons for such appalling actions . 

 No letter will ever be able to fully explain the deep down soul destroying , mentally invasive or massively dark loneness that domestic abuse can bring with it . Only those that have been there , seen it and survived it fully understand so there's probably very little chance the abuser would ever have a clue let alone want to hear or read about it . 

If your a fellow abuse victim and feel that need to put all your feelings down on paper and then  send it to your abuser then I wish you well with it and yes please do message with a reply if your lucky enough to get one (blog  email in profile if needed and 100% confidential)

  Enough negativity for today so let's end with a positive....

   Today may of been a little bit on the chilly side here in England but that Christmas feeling is begining to get in the air and regardless of my age I still kind of look forward to warm mince pies and mistletoe kisses  .

 

Final  photo used is one of my own .