December Time .

 

Emotional domestic abuse can be totally soul destroying , it can drain away every single drop of someone's normal logical thinking.

 

   As I've mentioned in almost every post I was emotionally and mentally domestically abused for 28 ridiculously long years and almost to the point where I had forgotten who I really was . 

  This time of year was always hardest to deal with , it was all done almost robotically with added dread of what the Christmas break could be like . At one point I even lost my Christmas mojo 😳 !!!! , there was no real interest or eagerness to buy presents ( always limited funds ) , no christmas jingle and the only thing that kept me going was the simple fact I had young children at the time and so I'd remind myself Christmas was for them and I was just being selfish  . 

 Christmas eve was spent madley wrapping up the last few things,  making sure the stockings were placed by the tree , mince pie , a carrot and a glass of milk for Mr Claus ( wasn't going to encourage him to drink and drive ) and then when the children had been in bed long enough I would stand outside just below their bedroom windows shaking some jingle bells so they could hear he was close by . Then next came smuggling the presents downstairs, which could go one of two ways , either it could all go relatively smoothly or random cardboard boxes and whatever else was at hand should get thrown on the floor in a hissy fit because yet again I was completely ruining Christmas for everyone (  apprently I managed to do that somewhere along the line every year 🎄 ) . 

Christmas morning and the children were not allowed to get up at silly o'clock all excited to open everything up because they had to wait till their father decided to get up and get dressed and then they could ( sometimes they even had to wait for him to have breakfast first ) .  My morning normally involved picking up random bits of wrapping paper that had missed the rubbish bags lovingly handed round at the begining by their father and then maybe if I was really lucky I'd get my first morning cup of tea about midday . Once all the excitement had gone then came my job of preparing the Christmas dinner ( never good enough of course ) then when all was eaten I'd be the lucky one to clear the table , wash up and then put everything away ( pretty much like every day back then really 🤔 ) .

  I'd sometimes get to grab maybe a couple of hours to myself and I'd either just tidy up , find homes for presents I'd been given or enjoy a bath without any interruptions ( maybe for as long as ten whole minutes !! ) . I then had to face the rest of the holidays where dodging any possible arguments or temper tantrums aimed in my direction became the fun christmas holiday game .

My Christmas spirit was evaporating faster and faster each and every year and I'd forgotton the point behind it  . 

 

Good News !!!!..............🍾🍷🍸

My lost Christmas mojo has now returned and even though my children aren't so young anymore I now make up for lost time . Christmas eve is now seen in by sharing drinks with good friends at the local pub and my now adult children can get up whenever they want (although. they still wait for me even though they don't have to anymore ) , Christmas dinner has become a fun time with glasses of wine and terrible Christmas cracker jokes and then my good friend the dish washer gets to do his job........Happy Holidays !!! 

 As I writing all this I'm smiling because I now fully appricates what I have now and I'm grateful I've got the chance to enjoy this coming Christmas and all the others yet to come . The Christmas music is due to excape from Alexa and the where to hide the presents for others game is in full motion .

  🎄  Christmas is all about family and sharing the all important love to all , its about laughter, joy and happiness. Whether you go the what ever your religious route may be , the non religious route or you don't celebrate it at all then at least let's still all join together and just for that one day have peace on earth .

There are and will be some people either homeless or on their own this year they deserve a thought and if you pass someone sheltering in their sleeping bag trying to keep warm why not dimply just offer to buy them a tea/coffee or even a sandwich ( sometimes a better option than just handing over your loose change ). It doesn't matter how they unfortunately found themselves to be where they are but what does matter is that they are human beings too .

 This Christmas why not spare a thought for those that are elderly that live near you ,  they maybe lonely or not have any family living close by , check up on them and maybe consider either inviting them to Christmas dinner or even making up an extra plate to take to them .

None of the above is really rocket science and I now try look out for someone I know who may be on their own and then ask if they'd like to join us . Why do I bother ?.........

 Well that's a really easy one to answer and it's because I can now . . I once had a friend come to Christmas dinner one year and they ended up staying for a couple of years till they got themselves sorted out , no big deal because I know that friend would have done exactly the same for me if ever I needed it to .

   I once read a fictional short story many years ago that sort of sums up exactly what I mean  ( sorry I can't remember the author to give credit to and it was read over 30 yrs ago ) Its about a woman who for some reason or other had lost her joy of Christmas , she sat in a cafe with a coffee watching the hustle and bustle of people being busy Christmas present shopping and just not feeling the happiness . Suddenly and most unexpectedly a gentleman sat down near her and asked why she looked so sad and lonely ? her answer was that she just simply didn't feel Christmasy and was wondering if it was all worth while . The gentleman suggested they take a walk through the park to continue their conversation , as they walked they saw families having fun and laughing , they talked about themselfs and their home life and then when it was time to leave the gentleman asked if she felt any better about things , she said yes with a thankful smile . The gentleman then bent down and gave her a brief quick kiss on the cheek and said " Merry Christmas.....Pass it on " and then he left . 

 The woman never forgot that chance meeting . 

 

 

Write a letter ?

 

Surviving any form of domestic abuse is a major accomplishment, but then comes the question .....Do you attempt to write a letter to your ex trying to explain all your deepest thoughts and feelings about it to them  ?...... 

 That choice is a totally individual one , but personally no , I wouldn't waste the paper or ink on my ex because it would all be a colossal waste of my time and energy . 

 My theory is that if he really did love or care for me, why did he feel the need to be emotionally abusive towards me for all those years .  

  Yes, I could try to sit him down and explain that depriving someone of money,  friends , family, and a life in general isn't the correct way you share a life with someone and most deffinatly a ring does not mean ownership !

 I could send an extremly long detailed Email mentioning all his actions and the after effects they have left behind , how about informing him that although consensual , sex is classed as rape if your bullied into it or maybe I could just put down all the rude , offensive and vile names he used when speaking to me . Maybe I could whilst I was at it return the favour and sign it all off with my own version of names for him ( swearing included, of course ) . 

All of the above is never going to happen in my case because until an abuser recognises their own actions they will never accept its all wrong . 

 Not that I particularly want to delve into the big black hole of an abusers mind but in their thinking everything they have done or are doing is all perfectly excepable and what's wrong in wanting everything your own way .

Abusers will try their best to beg for forgiveness and promise all sorts of impossible dreams if they get caught out by someone but unfortunatly none of it is ever really meant and once they think they have gotton away with what ever they had done they will then behave for a while  but .....

 I used to get flowers , chocolates, and even the odd little cudderly toy carrying a message about love and devotion when my abuser thought he might of pushed things a bit too far  , within days that would turn back into the way things always were and I'd get accusations of being ungrateful for what ever it was that had been brought.

  Mean what you say/do and say/do what you mean  is never on an abusers rader , they just seem to thing they can do or say whatever they want whenever they want and it's everyone else's fault if things go wrong .

  If an abuser actually bothered to sit down and read a letter from their abused telling them about how much hurt and damage they have caused what sort of reaction do you think it would recieve ?......

  No I've no idea either .

 

Domestic abusers have a tendency to be completely unpredictable , so it could be that there might be tears , anger, or even both . I'm not convinced that whatever was written would be understood or excepted ,  and there's a good chance it could all be used against you when they spoke about you to some one else ( apparently I'm a mentally unstable individual who has some serious issues ) . 

 That then leads to yet another question , do abusers ever feel guilty for what they have done ?........

 That's anyone guess , if they do then they will never let it show , or rather they might if they think someone else has seen or heard what they have dimone so they then go into automatic defence mode .

 I know for a fact my ex abuser has no feelings of guilt or understanding of how wrong his behaviour is because his still doing it to others and I'm now in a unique little group comprising of his abuse victims who have successfully managed to excape , and I'm fairly positive this group is going to get even bigger as the years go by . We all agree that there's no question who is to blame when the relationship ends and we're all going to be supportive to the next person , doest always work for others but it seems to be working brilliantly for us . 

  I've asked this next question a couple of times before and I'm still non the wiser to the right answer , is it learnt behavour that causes an abuser to be the way that they are ?......

  In my exs case most deffinatly but that's just one example .

But if that's the case then why can't any of them see the damage they are creating to others and why don't they accept any blame for it ? ....

Domestic Abuse is a never ending mine field of questions that sometimes have no logical answers, variouse excuses can be made but thats all they really are just excuses and that still doesn't explain the reasons for such appalling actions . 

 No letter will ever be able to fully explain the deep down soul destroying , mentally invasive or massively dark loneness that domestic abuse can bring with it . Only those that have been there , seen it and survived it fully understand so there's probably very little chance the abuser would ever have a clue let alone want to hear or read about it . 

If your a fellow abuse victim and feel that need to put all your feelings down on paper and then  send it to your abuser then I wish you well with it and yes please do message with a reply if your lucky enough to get one (blog  email in profile if needed and 100% confidential)

  Enough negativity for today so let's end with a positive....

   Today may of been a little bit on the chilly side here in England but that Christmas feeling is begining to get in the air and regardless of my age I still kind of look forward to warm mince pies and mistletoe kisses  .

 

Final  photo used is one of my own .

  

  

 

   

 

 

 

 

  

    

 

 

 

 

Warning ⚠️

 

Warning sensitive subject matter !!!!!

 I purposely left everything here open to all to read because I've always felt domestic abuse doesn't have an age barrier on it , so why should I . The following subject matter is not only sensitive but it could possibly be slightly upsetting or a dreaded red flag trigger....my apologies for both but it's a subject that needs to be discussed . 

 Rape is the most foulest of crimes, and everyone first thinks of the obvious form but there's also another less spoken about version and it's something to this day I'm still getting my head round . I once spent 28yrs in a domestic abuse relationship, and I'd say for roughly the last 15yrs of it I was sexually abused by being raped by my now ex on a regular basis .

  Most think of rape as forced sex without consent but there's more to it than that . There is also now a law in England ( no idea about other countries sorry ) where it can also count as rape if a person is intimidated or emotionally controlled into it even though a person may of agreed to it just to keep the peace in order to stop any physical or emotional damage being done .

  So , you're now thinking to yourself " well if you've agreed where's the problem ? " but it's unfortunately the answers not always as simple as it might sound  . 

Abusers will use everything in their power to get exactly whatever they want including sex . 

 Just imagine lying in bed and your other half/partner comes up wanting a bit of fun but you don't , what's the obvious thing ?... you say no and you both curl up , say goodnight and then fall asleep .

But there is no No when it comes to being with a domestic abuser,  you will find yourself being punished for defying their demands be it physical or emotionally with cruel words , nasty comments , violence and threats of withdrawing even more money or even using emotional blackmail untill they get exactly what they want even if you don't want to . 

 Sex between two people should be a shared  experience but not in an abusers eyes , they want it and they will get it regardless of what the other person might think . They don't care if you don't want to join in because they will still continue without any loving caressing , tender kisses , foreplay and they will just carry on regardless . Then finally afterwards you can find yourself left wondering WTAF !! just happened . You lay there thinking " I'm sure it's  not supposed to be like that " meanwhile the abuser might still then complain that you never joined in or you must be having an affair if you didn't really want it with them and never once does it ever occur to them that maybe just maybe it's not the actual act of sex you don't want but it's the way that person treats you that's the problem .

  Like I've already said it's taken me a long time to accept that in my case yes although it may be classed as rape there's not a huge amount I can now do about it , the ex will of course deny everything saying that if I agreed to it then wheres the problem ? and I never once put up a fight to stop it or said anything . There was only the two of us in that room so obviously no witnesses to the event or the treatment before hand , during or after so that just leaves my word against his with no proof .

 

  I've sort of come to terms with a lot of my past experiences with my ex but trying to work out whose to blame for the rape still completely confesses me , its such a grey area when it comes to being emotionally blackmailed into having to have sex by a supposed loved one . 

  I'm now bringing up this subject in order for others to see that rape isnt always a simple case of yes or no , it can be more complicated than that and I'm positive there's more like me out there who have had to deal with similar experiences . 

Why not go to the police about your ex ? I hear you all ask but what would I say ?....

" Hello there I've just spent the last few years being raped by my partner but I agreed to it because he said he wouldn't give me the money to get my hair cut or for me to buy a bottle of milk " . 

Would you honestly expect anything to be done ?... 

    Nope me neither .

 I'm hoping that maybe after reading this particular post that others will feel a little bit more informed on the subject of domestic abuse rape , its something very few will openly discuss or admitted it happening to themselves but that doesn't mean to say it doesn't exist . If like myself you've had to go through that extremly unpleasant experience then please don't hesitate to send an email to my blog email found in my profile . I may not have all the answers , but what I do have is understanding and I'm non judgemental ( all contact will be totally 100% confidential of course ) .

  Domestic Abuse is despicable in any shape or form and it doesn't matter what colour , sex or creed you may be it's still abuse and no one ever deserves to be treated that way in life . If you've managed to escape it and survived it then I congratulate you and if your still ploughing your way through it then please never forget there will always be someone out there to help and listern to you when you are ready .

 Like I said at the start of this I apologise to anyone who may find the subject matter discussed today upsetting or if it triggers any of those ever annoying red flags but it's one of those things in life that needs to be brought into the open , not just for those that have had to deal with it but also those that are still having  to through it  . I know somewhere out there in this great big wide world there should be various support groups , helplines and charity groups that will help guide you when you need them . If you find yourself not quite ready yet to make that call then know there are hundreds of us fellow survivors writing variouse blogs or posts proving that breaking away from the darkness of domestic abuse can be done .

 

  Yes... if I'm asked now by anyone about my abuse I do bring up all the gory subject matters involved about domestic abuse because I am not and never will be ashamed of what happened to me in my past but what I am now is extremely proud of my future .

 

 

  

   

  

  

  

 

Think positive.

  

 How can I be so positive about life after living through a ridiculous 28yrs of Domestic Abuse ?

 That's an easy and simple one to answer..... I love life !!!!

 PTSD has its annoying tendency to try and sneek up on me unexpectedly but I've now learnt to spare it an odd hour or so , I share a cup if tea with it and then I shove it right back kicking and screaming to where ever it came from !!  

  I refuse to allow that all too dismal part of my past life to overtake all the positives I now have in life , if I let it overtake me then it means my now ex is still succeeding to rule my world and trust me that is something that will never happen again. 

  Grey days like today where there's almost constant rain in it's many various soggy forms and the trees have almost lost their golden autumn glow won't put me off enjoying what I now have in life , granted Its a bit to much on the wet side to enjoy sitting in the garden with a brew and a bacon sandwich or sitting at a lakeside fishing and listening to the birds song but as the saying goes " it's not bad weather only bad clothing " so the dog will still get walked and I will keep watching the skies for that ever possible glorious rainbow .

  Positive thinking isn't something that everyone finds easy to do, especially after something like domestic abuse . It's not a particularly pleasant place to find yourself in and it's equally not always as an easy place to get yourself out of either.

  Not every victim of abuse is as lucky as I was and they just can't find the inner strength to either close the door to their abuse or to just keep on living ( that's exactly how bad domestic abuse can take over your life ) , those that have never been there will never totally or fully understand exactly how over powering , dark and extremely lonely abuse can be and that's exactly why after telling my story at the beginning of all of these posts I've continued writting. 

  I don't care how many see it all , understand it or read any of it ( I do but not in a selfish way ) , but what I do really care about is reaching out and being there for others who unfortunately find themselves in a similar position. I count myself extremly lucky to be able to do what I'm now doing, and yes I fully intend to just keep on going with it for as long as .

 I proudly shout out that I'm now a survivor of domestic abuse on here , Facebook , Instagram , Quora , Threads  and X ( blog email can be found in profile if needed ) because no one has the right in life to abuse anyone . My mission is now to at least give just one person that self belief that yes there's a better life after domestic abuse and that life is so worth living .

  As my profile says I'm now a really annoying positive thinking optimist , I can see sunshine on the most darkest of days and I fully believe I should share the positive all around , if I can survive my most darkest years and still manage to come out smiling at the end of it then so can anyone else , its not always as simple as it sounds but yes it can be done if you really want it . You just simply have to train your thinking into turning every negative into a positive,  every bad day will be followed by a good one and that the best bit is that it's all out there completely for free !!

 Domestic abusers of this world only seem to really care about one thing in life and that's making sure every single thing goes their own way , they can be reasonably decent individuals when this happens but it can only take one small word to change the entire situation into a danger zone,  that one small word is ....

  That one simple little word can indirectly bring with it both emotional and/or physical pain . 

Now be honest with yourselves,  is that the right way to live a happy good life ?....

  I completely agree , life shouldn't involve spending your days dodging spiteful words or forceful fists .

 

Escaping and surviving any form of domestic abuse isn't as easy as others may think but that doesn't mean it can't be done , it just takes  a major big keep of faith and putting your trust in other people's hands . There may be times when you might doubt your own thoughts and feelings but once you start that walk to freedom it's worth every single minute . 

 The recovery from abuse can  be a constant on going thing but things can and will get better almost every day .

 When I think back now to that submissive person I used to be I find myself wondering how the hell I let it all get that bad or let it go on for such a stupidly ridiculous amount of time . Was I really that scared of someone who was supposed to love or care for me or was I do wrapped up in trying to live my life without creating any ripples that I never noticed what happen ?.....

 Now my life is my own , I still hate any forms of verbal or physical violence but if it happens I'm now more than capable of standing my own ground and as I've said before I can and will kick arse back if neeeded .

  If your reading any of this and your thinking "I wish I could do that " then why not stop wishing and just do it instead.  

Final photo used is yet again one of my own .

   

 

 

 

  

  

  

 

   

   

   

   

   

 

Prove it .

 

Domestic abuse, be it physical or emotional, has to be one of the hardest things to prove if you've ever been unfortunate enough to have it happen to you......

 it's never obvious, and if it's physical, the abuser makes sure that the bruises can't be seen . If any noticeable marks are visible, then various excuses are made to explain them .

Domestic abusers very rarely do their abusing in public because that would mean other people would be able to see the abuser for who they really are and not the person they pretend to be .

  How can you prove abuse ever happened when no one else ever sees it or hears it and even if the abuser is ever challenged about their actions they will then instantly become the victim pleading how its all not true , they would never dream of doing anything like that  and putting on a performance that could be Oscar winning .

 Both parties can provide the tears but the big difference is that the victims tears are almost silent and they will talk in a very calm matter of fact sort of way , where as the abuser will pull out all the stops with heart breaking sobs and dramatic stories of how they are totally innocent. 

  Emotional/mental abuse is a seriously tough one to prove because there's no evidence or photos to be taken , it all happens on the inside where no one will ever see and the scars or bruises are invisable. 

  If like myself your intimidated into having to have sex whether you want it or not is now at least in England classed as a form of rape , but if there's only two people in the room at the time and there's no fighting or drugs concerned how can you possibly prove it ?

 I realised a long time ago there was absolutely no point in reporting my now ex to anyone because I've got nothing to prove what's happened , there's no recordings or pictures taken , there's just me talking about events and what used to go on .

 The ex of course tells a totally different story and it's entirely up to the individual to believe what ever they want to believe .

  Meanwhile he gets away with everything and to my knowledge continues to do so with whoever he is with and I get the joy of trying to put some sort of vague order all the thoughts and feelings that have come from me spending 28 very long wasted years being abused .

   My story of domestic abuse is my own  personal journey and it's completely up to who ever reads any of it to make their own minds up on if I'm believed or not , I may not be able to condem my ex to a life of guilt but one thing I can do is to shout out to others about it and be there if any other victims need it ( email in profile if needed) .

  I've not made it anything glamorous or fancy I've just written about facts ( in fact I've proberly played it down a bit in places ) , I'm now stuck with all the after effects that I've collected along the way but one thing I'm endlessly positive about is that it will never ever beat me  !!

  My story isn't as horrendous as some others and if I find it frustrating on how hard it is to prove my past then just imagine what things must be like for them , its one of the many reasons why I'm now doing these posts and knowing there's someone out there somewhere that has been there , seen it and survived it helps then fantastic and between us all we will just keep on going forward in life .

  

  I've been asked a couple of times how I can be so positive and content all the time especially after what has happened and thats easy to answer,  it's because I choose to be that way and not wallow in my past despair . I refuse to let my miserable past effect my future happiness,  there's only one person allowed to control me now and that's myself .

  I started all this to help defuzz some of the crazy thoughts that were once whizzing around my mind and to get my story out there,  this I've now done and will continue trying to do my best in being there for others if or when needed. 

 As much as I wont be able to ever prove any of my domestic abuse happened neither can my now ex prove any of it didn't happen , if he ever gets around to hear or read anything ( which I very much doubt ) then tough , he can try to convince others that I'm a lying over dramatic drama queen but I will always know that I've told the truth and nothing but the truth . 

I may not write amazingly interesting or fascinating pieces but I'd like to think is that what I do write is read by all and and anyone that is still surrounded by any form of domestic abuse can see that you can excape from it all and there's are loads of amazing people out there who can and will help .

  One of the big things that frustrates me the most is that some domestic abusers can play the system to their own advantage and that's wrong on so many levels, there are some abusers who have even used the domestic abuse card to get themselves rehomed whilst the victim is left to struggle on their own .

 Why are women believed more than men about being abused ? and above all else why cant they get exactly the same treatment ?  .....

 Nope not a clue either on both but maybe one day things might change . 

   

  Positive end of post time and I think it should finish with a positive thought .......

       Always be true to yourself  !!!!!!

  

   Photo used below is one of my own recent ones and I just love the way that Mr Robin was ruling his day without a care in the world .

  

1

  

Its not easy .

 

Domestic Abuse will never ever be an easy subject for some let alone be the most interesting but for those of us who have had to live through it and experience it well let's just say we would have to agree to disagree ....

No one ever asks for it, and most  certainly, no one ever deserves it regardless of what an abuser might say . 

 Yes I may repeat myself a lot about things but if that's what it takes to help make people take notice and listern then so be it and I apologise if some find things a bit boring but to be honest I can't and won't brush domestic abuse under any carpet and I refuse to hide what happened to me over my 28 years of it like the events never happened .

My ex abuser is still out there somewhere thinking that he can use and abuse anyone that gets in close contact to him and I'm not stupid enough to think I have some sort of secret power to be able to stop him but what I do have is the strength and power of words, and that's exactly why I'm now writing these posts .

I've lost 28 very valuable years of my far too short life on someone who never really appreciated anything I ever did, and my intentions are now to make up for lost time . Those lost years I will never get back and that's all down to just one extremly selfish greedy abusive person , I don't hate him because I've completely run out of feelings in any form for that particular person but what I do hate is the fact I had to experience it all and there's been a few more after me that have had to tolerate it too  .

That's how totally unfair domestic abuse can be ....the innocent get punished, and the guilty get away with it . 

Do I have serious issues with the abuse I once lived through ?....

Of course I bloody well do !!!!

Thankfully, my mental health hasn't been dramatically affected too much, and I've still managed to keep my sense of humour ( granted there's a form of PTSD tucked away somewhere deep inside but it's only allowed to show its face on rare occasions).

My issues nowadays are more about how stupid I was to let myself ever get in that sort of situation in the first place and why did I allow it to continue for such a ridiculous amount of time and both of those issues are exactly why I'm now doing all of this .

So let's get back to the question: Is any of this interesting or helpful ?....

  Well for me it most certainly is and fingers crossed it is for others too .

  Alerting others about domestic abuse has now become a very important part of my life , interesting or not it's out there and it's happening right now to thousands of others male or female in loads of different countries .

 Abusers are out there physically , mentally and emotionally ruining other peoples lives and all because they seem to think that they are the most important individuals on this planet....Well guess what ?....

 Their not and they never will be!!!!!!!!

Is there life after domestic abuse ?...

Yes I fully believe there can be but unfortunately not always, some can find it just all to much and simply not want to continue existing anymore .

  Domestic abuse is something that can only be fully understood by those that have lived it , therapists and others can try to help but the books they may read or life stories like my own will never be the same as talking to a real true survivor who is proof there can be a happy ever after .

 Is my life now Perfect ?....

No way and I wouldn't want it to be either .

I try to go through life thinking positive and I'm on a constant learning curve with it  . 

 I'm more true to myself now than I have ever been and I fully love the life I'm living .

I now get the opportunity to do what ever I want without any worry or major concerns and all the silly little things I was once told I wasn't allowed to do are now all done with a massive smile 😊 .

This particular positive thinker would like to think that maybe just maybe those that read any of these various things I've written get informed along the way about domestic abuse , granted Its not a deep and meaningful subject matter or as fascinating as a wildlife programme on the television but it's just as real and as I've explained many times before it can happen to absolutly anyone and in a lot of cases you will never know about it .

    My abuse went unknown to my family and friends all the years I was involved in it , I never spoke about it to anyone ( didn't they get a great surprise when I finally told them after the ex finally left ) , they still to this day have no idea just how far that abuse went . 

  Why haven't I ever discussed it all with them ?.....

Because like most other people if you've not actually experienced it you can never really completely understand it , they would of course be deeply concerned ,  look shocked and try to apologise for something they haven't done but that's not what a survivor wants or needs , survivors need to know they have security , love and supportive people around them who don't ask endless questions that can't always be answered . 

We will talk when the time feels right enough , we will try to laugh and joke about it to make things appear lighter and yes we will of course try to repair ourselves eventually over time .

   Next time the subject of domestic abuse comes up in a conversation try discussing it and not avoiding it , a lot of us survivors will talk openly about it ( maybe not necessarily going into detail like I do with these posts ) .

    The world can be a phenomenal place after you've escaped from abuse .

  Both photos used are my own and as the last one says.........

   

  

   

   

 

 

 

 

 

Changes .

 

A domestic abusive relationship can contain a whole lot of variouse changes for all those involved in it .......

  The abuser changes from the caring , loving, and amazing person you thought you knew into something from a horror movie.

  It all starts very slow and gradually even to the point where you don't even notice it happening to you ,  those helpful ' constructive criticisms " that you may get passed in your direction at the start can come with kind gentle looks and smiles and you'll only hear them on random occasions ( when your dressing up to go out somewhere for example) . You doubt your own actions, so you change your plan and use whatever loving advice you were offered .

 Over time you'll start to hear them more and more , all about silly little different things and those comments that were once spoken then start to turn into a louder raised voice and the helpful advice grows into sarcastic comments ( often done in front of others to make sure your nice and embarrassed ) . You begin to start to question your own decisions and believe that maybe you've been living life and doing things all the wrong way .

Then the shouting and accusations begin , everything you say or do is filled with accusations, and the person you once were is now no more, and you've become the anxious scared what could happen next person . You jump and do whatever is demanded of you because you know exactly what can happen if you don't .

  Now all the above all sounds totally crazy , why wouldn't you notice what's going on and do something about it, but it's really not that simple . Only someone who has been or is still there will know exactly what I mean . You get so wrapped up in thinking and believing it's all your fault, and you're the problem that you don't see that it's the one abusing with the issues and not you at all .

This is just how good domestic abusers are at what they do and why others end up being with them . A normal logical thinking person would avoid anyone that came over as slightly aggressive or domineering at the first meeting but that exactly how could domestic abusers can be , they don't want you to see what they're really like straight away or else there's no point in even beginning to talk to you .

Meanwhile the abused victim starts the relationship as the cheerful loving partner , their more than happy to do things that they may be asked to do , they are just in most cases so loved up that they have no idea what's about in store for them in the future. 

  The victim's personality starts to begin  to drain away without noticing it's happening , the way they act , speak, and even dress changes because they are trying so hard to make the other person happy that that they can't see that they may not be .  It's this person the domestic abuser really wants and not the person they first originally . They know no one would ever be with them if they knew what they were really like so they do what chameleons do and simply just change their colour to fit .

The person I once was is a lot different to who I am now . I used to be a lot less cautious and considerably more trusting back then , I was never very good at arguments and disagreements and I'd go out of my way to avoid them if possible,  I'd much rather sit down and discuss a problem rather than shout about it ( still do to a certain point ) but now thanks to my now ex domestic abuser and the unpleasant experience I had whilst with him I'm now considerable more stronger and fight back if its neeeded . 

  Do I miss the person I used to be ?....

 Maybe, but then I wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't lived through my 28 years of abuse and survived it . My survival has made me mentally stronger and ready to tackle what ever life or fate may decide to put in my direction , I now face things head on and there's no more brushing things under the carpet so they can't be seen  . 

 Everyone changes as they get older and wiser you might say but that part way deep inside doesn't really , it tends to stay the same no matter how much you might pretend it doesn't , you will always be the same except your principals and  attitude about living your life might change and develop . life is exacly what ever you make it and want it to be , granted you may have to adapt things a bit along the way but it's all yours so why not do thing's your way and not the way any domestic abuser wants .

I've no idea if whatever I'm posting on here or the other places is worth anything to anyone else or even sightly interesting but to me it's all been priceless ,  I wouldn't be as where I am now without being able to put all my seriously mixed up mess of thoughts down somewhere at the begining and although I can still remember every single horrendous moment of my past I now no longer let it fester and take over my world. 

  I know someone somewhere is reading it all along the way and I'm grateful for it , maybe it's helping someone and maybe its not but it's been a massive help to my recovery. 

As I've said many times before I always try to turn anything negative into a positive so let's end on this , the final picture is a recently taken one whilst enjoying all the delights an English Autumn can bring , its still warm enough to not need a coat or jumper  ( due to change very soon) and walking through all those delicious crunching golden brown leaves raises a garrented smile to myself every time 😊 .

  

 

  

Ying &Yang.

  

If Domestic abuse is the Ying then the freedom that can be found after it must then be the Yang ......

As you must already know I'm a bit of an old hippy at heart ( more than a bit I think ) and I reckon that there are loads of really good examples of Ying and Yang all around....... 

Good/bad

Right/wrong

Happy/sad

Dark/light 

  The statement at the very begining of all of this is totally true in my mind , domestic abuse is the extreme intense darkness and the freedom you can get from it when you break away is the bright happy ever after sunshine . Maybe its a very simplistic way of thinking and looking at it but if it works for me then I'll just keep on thinking it .

This eternal annoying optimist always somehow regardless of what's going on in life always seems to be able to look on the bright side about everything . It's nothing that I've taught myself to be But it's just the way I've always been and it all comes to me perfectly naturally , if I see or feel anything even just slightly negative then I always try to turn it into a positive . I even share the positivity around as much as I possibly can because I've got loads of it to share around .  

I may of spent far too long letting myself be domestically abused ( yes I take a very small portion of the blame because I let it happen longer than it should of done ) but the way I look at things is that it's taught me some very good important lessons in life and without it I certainly wouldn't be talking to you all now .

  I've always enjoyed writing and even thought when I was growing up that maybe one day I'd get really brave and clever enough to perhaps even write a book 🤔 . 

This is where my perminate positively comes into play , why can't I write my book , there's no one stopping me doing all the things I want to do now , if I can't believe in myself then who else will !!!

 I think the great Oscar Wilde had the right idea , it's all about being happy in your own skin and being true to yourself . 

There was once a time when I had absolutely no idea who the hell I was but now the real me is out and enjoying dealing with everything that life decides to throw in my direction . 

If I'm honest the confidence is still a little bit shaky sometimes but its getting a lot better and doing these posts have been a great help , knowing that someome out there somewhere is reading any of them is also a nice positive thought ( and I thank you for it ) . Sometimes the smallest and simplist things in life can somtimes give the biggest and best results .

Thinking positive doesn't always come naturally to some and that's one of my many reasons of why I like to share mine all around , it doesn't cost anything and the whole idea of it is really easy .......you just need to start with a smile 😃. 

Smiles can be highly contagious , once you start to smile then someome else will and so it can just keep travelling along making everyone else feel good . 

 Feeling good and positive can help build your inner strengh , it can make your day be brighter and it can help take away the pressure and the stress that life can somtimes bring . It's all about your state of mind and how you want to deal with things .

You have all read by now about my favorite happy place is just being outside and I fully believe everyone has their own one somewhere , I do some of my best thinking in my happy place , I have my best ideas and some of my better photos are taken there too . 

I count myself extremly lucky to get some of my positivity from simply just absorbing all that Mother Nature has to offer and the bonus is it's all being given out for totally free !!

 It's Autumn time here in England and the leaves are just begining to fall , conker (horse chestnuts) hunting is in full swing and the evenings are slowly getting a little bit cooler......and it's all simply just absolutely perfect .

Granted Its just my own personal way of looking at things but that's what you get when your a positive thinker , you see only the best things and never the worst .

Even during my most dark days I would try to stay as  positive as I could because that was one of things that couldn't be taken away from me somtimes it wss about the only thing that would keep me going .

The photo below was taken by myself this afternoon whilst on a brief after work walk , and I have to admit I had great fun listening to the birds singing whilst crunching my way through all those gorgeous various golden colours , I must of looked like I'd just escaped from somewhere òr like an over grown 4 yesr old as I was smiling away to myself with each and ever step I took but I couldn't help it of care less , I loved every single minute of it and the sound it all made was absolutely fantastic . In fact thinking about it I may just have to go and do it all again another day really soon before the weather changes and the leaves all crumble away to nothing .

 I never see Autumn as the end of summer but instead I see it as the whole brand new beginning for next years glorious display .

  Life is too short to get it wrong and you only ever get one go at it , so why not make the mostt if what youve got 😊 .