No Hurry No Worry .

 There's some people out there who live their life's at 90 miles an hour , some that just muddle along and some that are so wound up they could explode at any given moment.......

The question is which one of these are you ?....

  If you decide that you want to live life perminatly in the fast lane then that's entitly up to you but I don't think I could do that . I wouldd hate to think I was so busy zooming around like a Formular One racing car that I might miss all the little things that can be  gone in glance type of things... like that magical colourful rainbow  , that first golden dandylion , the early morning glorious birdsong  or the first much needed raindrops after a hot summers day . 

These simple little things in life are in my humble small opion are all just far to perfect and precious to miss out on , none of them are Man-made yet they can all manage to still stop someone like me in my tracks . There are time when you can't help but be totally impressed by good old mother Nature at her best .

   

Those that just muddle along ( which I think I might be one of them  ) just like to let life do its own thing with no hurry and no worries.  

To a point its almost like a chilled out hippy type existence , we go through life desperately trying to keep anything that could be stressful at a bare minimum , we prefere no violence  and try our very best to avoid any arguments . This group tend to see life should be treated as a very special gift and it should be never taken for granted ,  

  

   

Then there's the human walking time bomb/land mine type and I think we can safely put all the domestic abusers of this world into this particular group . 

From the very minute they wake up in the morning they seem to have a dire need to get out there trying to cause as much aggravation or trouble to anyone that dares disagree or get in their way . 

They tend to think the whole world always owes them endless massive favours and it should in their eyes totally just revolve around themselves. They won't ever hesitate to lash out either physically or verbally to hurt that person who decides to get in their way or who dares disagree with them or tries to stop them going in whatever direction they want to go in a the time .  

 

 My own personal opinion is that life is too short to get it wrong and you dont get enough time to make any mistakes with it . There's to much to see , do, and most importantly enjoy . I count myself very very lucky I've now got a second chance to live my life to the full and if I hadn't of turned that page in life then I wouldn't be living this new exciting story I live now .

Granted my way of doing things may seem sometimes to get a little chaotic at times to other people but if I'm truly honest to myself I wouldn't have it another way . 

This particular Tortoise quite likes taking the slow and easy way in life , I may not get there the fastest way but at least still get there all safe and sound in the end .

  Question..... Are you.........No1 the super speedy racing car , No2 the slow but ever steady Tortoise or The hunan manic time bomb ?....

 Having lived through and survived far too many wasted valuable years of Domestic abuse I've learnt to see all of the above in different people and I can't help but think the human time bomb that is now my ex must be missing out on so much of life the question is do I feel sorry for him ?......

No I honestly don't think I do because everything he has decided to do in life is because it's been all his own free choice , no-one has made him be an abuser , no-one forced him to be one and no-one demanded it of him either , everything he did to me and to my knowledge still doing to others is all down to his own responsibility .

Abusers will have endless a list of pathetic excuses for when they get challenged over the way they are and on a really good day you could even get the fake tears that mean absolutely nothing . What ever heartfelt deep and meaningful promises are made after challenging their action that the abuser will make will in a short period of time become non existent , those promises will be just as fake as the tears that were once used to try to win you over in order to get you to believe all the lies ( sorry my mistake abusers never lie they just simply re-adjust the truth to suit ) you may of been originally told to begin with  . 

  My life now after domestic abuse is so very much better than what it ever used to be , there are no egg shells or thin ice to worry about walking over , there's very little stress or worry and I now get to live my life the way I want to without having another person constantly trying to push me in a completely different direction to where I wanted to go .

 The picture used below I remember taking all to well , it was on a day trip to a local seaside during sometime in the summer with the now ex and the children ( properly one of our last family trips ) .  It was taken and put together roughly just a few short months before I became brave enough and told the abuser he had to go .

  At the time my life was just like those sand castles that are slowing and steadily crumbling away  and just waiting for the tide to come in and wash everything all away like it never really existed in the first place .

   

   

   

Once upon a time.

Pre- domestic abuse there was once a time when planning to go out to celebrate and have a few drinks with friends for Halloween was a must ....

We never really needed much of a good excuse back then to get completely silly and dress up in some sort of weird and crazy fancy dress and then go out and have a really great night out  ( Christmas eve and New Years Eve were always a great one's to do it too ) but that all changed as soon as I met the now ex and my happy contented fun days were about to come to a halt . 

He didn't do anything for Halloween ( he didn't really do anything much for anything come to think of it  ) and it wasn't untill we had the children that I could get away with putting a pumpkin out with a few cheap and cheerful decorations for all the trick or treaters to see and enjoy . 

His idea of fun on every weekend ( pretty much every day really ) was to sit on the sofa , drink coffee , eat something and watch what ever football game happened to be on the television at the time and those damn over excited annoying pesky kids knocking on the door  making a fuss would just rudely interrupt everything . 

Granted It might not be everyone's favourite time of year but its always been one of my eagerly awaited times and I always look forward to it ( I blame it personally on being born on All Hallows but that could just also be a very feeble excuse 😏 ) . 

With the ex there was deffinatly no going out socially enjoying ourselfs and meeting with any friends , no totally ridiculous unnecessary dressing up and absolutly most certainly no child like behavour or silly outrageous fun allowed !!

Thinking about it I seriously can't really remember any occasion over the 28yrs we were together where hair was allowed to be let down or no resorting back to not acting our age happening . Dressing up and not really caring how daft you might look was never anyhere on the list of possible exciting things to do of an evening .

In his odd special little world we were nothing but sensible grown -ups and therefore we had to always act that way . 

  So whenever Halloween was sneaking up I would try to buy the best pumpkin I could find cheaply and collect various affordable sweets out of what little money I had to myself , put the collection of skeletons , ghosts and bats out and then waited for the door to be knocked on . As you've  properly already predicted...  yes it was just me who answered the door everytime , me who handed the treats out and me who complimented each and every child on their brilliantly scary costumes 🎃 .

  I was often asked why did I bother to keep on doing it and didn't I think the whole thing was a complete and utter waste of time and good money ?....

 

But I still just keep on doing it and I've never really worked out who gets the most enjoyment out of it.... is it me or the children ?....😉

   That's one of the many funny things about abusers they seem to hate anyone else trying to enjoy themselves unless of course it involves them and its a bonus if they happen to be the centre of everyone's attention ( some will try to say they are shy or embarrassed but they love all the fuss given really ) .

 Things have now had a seriouse and excellent upgrade for me when it comes to all things Halloween , the once small bag of random bits of decorations has now become a large slightly overflowing box full with various signs , broomsticks , cobwebs , spiders , the odd gravestone and lots of lights to add to the spooky atmosphere , this years seasonal dress up was pretty good but already there's plans in process for next years possible Steampunk looking outfit with all the trimmings including a rather mischievous pair of thigh high kinky boots !!!!!! 😏  .

  

How things have changed 🎃🎃

  This year I spent the whole weekend being highly entertained by lots of witches , werewolves , scary skeletons ,variouse monsters and of course supercreeps !

 Meeting good friends ( and mine are just the best ) was something I really missed but thankfully they never gave up on me and since my regeneration I'm always ready to go out with them and have an absolute Halloween ball .

  If your reading all of this and thinking " I wish " due to sinking in a dismally abusive sand pit then dont ever forget things can change and life can be amazingly good once again . 

 

  Abusers are nothing but big bullies really and bullies are nothing but even bigger cowards when someone larger ( or a passing witch/wizard ) happens to comes along . If I can regain my life so can anyone else , I'll never forget the look on my now exs face when I mentioned getting the police involved when I first dumped him and told him he needed to go  , first he looked a bit supprised and nervous then he laughed because he didn't think I meant any of it and then when he finally realised I was meaning every single word I said he tried the " let's start again " card and then the angry card ( never once was there " I'm sorry "  card offered ) , but this time there was no way I was going to lose any more of my very valuable years so I just smiled sweetly and repeated my words in the same calm steady voice and stood my ground . 

  I think he knows this particular witch  is      seriouse now !! 🤣

  

     

   

    

   

 

Next move.

 Domestic abuse is a bit of crazy story for me , I started all of this about a year ago for purely selfish reasons but now it's time for the next move in the game of life ....

I first began all of this to help put some sort of order and clarity to my abusive past and to get all the weird thoughts it so very kindly left me with into some sort of clear order and it was relatively easier to start to write than I first thought it would be . Some are parts were and will be a bit tricky to put into the right words but I will try my best to make it all make some sort of vague sense ( but I unfortunatly can't always garrentee it will do  ) , saying that , anything to do with domestic abuse doesn't really make a great deal of sense either really does it ?.... 🤔 .

 I'll try to only put down the more interesting eventful parts of my 28yrs of it because the rest of it all is just small minor everyday stuff in comparison ( not trying to belittle any of it but that's just the way I see it now )  . There were the little uncalled for snide comments , the looks that could kill , the total lack of trust , the constant " constructive criticisms " , the what seemed to be never ending dark silence's and of course the ever constant fear that you were always walking on perminate eggshell's or dangerous thin ice never knowing when the situation could change for the worse .

   After I had finished the basic story line part my decision to either continue or not , I  then made the decision to continue going with it so that others could see it and maybe it would give them some sort of hope that they too can get their lives back once again from it  . 

I thought maybe there must be possibly thousands out there so I better do something else extra to go along with it .

  Ta da !!!! I can now also be found on Facebook , Instagram , Quora , Threads and the new X ( was Twitter ) and all should in theory and fingers crossed lead straight back to here to try to reach out to as many people as I  possible can  , 

My logic being that I've earnt the right to shout about domestic abuse after being involved in one for 28 yrs . Please feel free to message ( blog email found in profile ), say hello or even raise a subject about abuse that can be discussed and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible .

   

It's there for all those that may have been

 abused past , present or future and all I ask in return is that the support and understanding I'm trying to offer is returned and shared to others that may need it .

 Just knowing there is someone out there that will listern can mean a great deal to an abused victim .

   Yes there may be loads of other terrible horrendous stories out there all about domestic abuse already and some with extremly horrific phyical attack stories so why pick mine ? .......

Because it's a simple case of free choice ( something I never had for years ) . If it begins to spark the wake up call in just one single person then that's  my mission accomplished . 

  That first spark could  just be the begining of turning the page in the book of life and starting a whole new amazing adventure .  

 When I read back some of the things I've written so far they really don't come over as major life changing events but that's just how it is , no I never experienced any type of phyical abuse but that doesn't necessarily mean I don't carry any bruises . My scars , bruises and pain were all and to a certain point still are all internal where no one can see . Those same scars and bruises will remain with me proberly for years and quite a few will never heal . Emotional and mental abuse can be just as devastating as any other form and it all should be treated as exactly the same thing . Just because you can't see the pain someone could be suffering it doesn't mean to say it doesn't exist .

  

All my friends and family had no idea the thoughts and feelings that found their way into my head during my abuse and some of them didnt even know it was even actually happening . Why didn't they know ? ......

 Because in my crazy mixed up world at the time I was convinced no one would care let alone believe me .

  The totally insane notion above that no one 

 would care or understand was of course installed into my poor domestically abused head by my abuser , if your continuing then be prepared to find yourself being brain washed into actually believe it all . I now know just how extremly wrong all that total nonsense was and I personally think it was because he was the crazy dreamer and not me , it was him all along with the insecurities and massive lack of trust and his the one with the disturbing issues not me . 

 My life now may not be as perfect as someone else's but it's all mine with no master controller trying to live my life for me . 

  I'm now the perminate winner in my version of playing the game , sometimes it's a case of taking two steps forward and then taking one back but if I'm honest I wouldn't now have it any other way .

  My future now is my own and what ever I decide I want it to be .

    

   

 

Its not that easy.

 People often ask those who have dealt with any forms of domestic abuse " why don't you just leave ? " but it isn't always as easy as that.... 

Just imagine your sitting on one side of  a pair of giant scales and your domestic abuser is on the other side , very slowly over a period of time your side will begin to get weighed down with anxiety , stress and depression . Meanwhile on the other side the abuser will keep on raising up because they are constantly taking everything from their side and adding it all to yours instead on a daily basis . 

 The more you find yourself trying to wiggle to try to get a little more space on your side the more uncomfortable it can all become so you learn to just keep very still and not make a single sound and you try not to rock the already extremly unsteady boat more than it has to . 

The control the domestic abuser has had over you has surrounded you like a deep thick heavy foggy blanket and you end up believing over time absolutely every single thing you are told ,  you can try your very best to get some sort of equal balance in your life but its always a bit of a losing battle because in the domestic abusers world there's only one way to do things correctly and that's theirs . 

If you're told you are completely stupid and useless often enough by an abuser you will most likely over time end up actually believing that you must be . A  really good one that's quite often used by abusers is " you won't ever find anyone else as good as me " well guess what matey if that's the best you've got to offer then I really don't want to know what the worse can be like !!

  Domestic abusers are in my opion the total utter scumslugs of this earth ( fit your own appropriate swear words in here ) and they will never deserve your love , affection , trust or loyalty .  I hate to be the one to break the news to you but they don't really care how much they hurt you either physically or mentally in order to get their own way ( no matter what they may say or promises they make ) . Even if you give in to their constant wants , needs and demands they will still only expect even more next time and so it will all just keep on going . 

Was it a spoilt childhood , learnt behaviour from a parent or them just being total muppets ?....

 It's anyone's guess 🤔 .

Making that decision and finally choosing to leave an abuser is a bit like doing a major military top secret mission impossible type operation and you will need to put your 100% trust sometimes in complete and utter total strangers . The abuser will of course do their very best to try to keep you there and try to talk you round with their fake tears , fake promises and impossible make believe dreams but over time nothing changes , the dreams never come true and they will simply just go back to exactly the same way they always were before or get even worse .

 If your feeling really strong , brave and super determined for a better life then why not just take that first step and go for it . No it's not always an easy or fast road to take and yes your already sensitive fragile emotions will take a little bit of a battering but each and every step you take forward will be all worth while in the end . All this is coming from someone whose taken that first major all important step , spoken to the lovely kind helpful strangers , and I'm now living a free from any forms of abuse life , its not always easy but at least I'm doing it all my own way now and I'm loving it .

There are some groups of amazing people out there who can and will help you ( far too many to list and it all depends on which country you are in ) but at the end of the day there's only one person that can make that first all important step and thats yourself , you really are a much stronger person than you think you can ever be  .

   I know it's a rough road because I've been there , seen it and done it and yes its scary as hell to begin with but it really does honestly get better as time goes by . I will always be totally grateful to all those that listened and helped me along the way and most importantly those that believed in me . There is still the odd person out there that wants to take the exs side but that's their choice so I just leave them get on with it untill they finally work it all out for themselves eventually .

   If your reading this thinking I could never be brave enough to do something like that , they need me too much then I'm sorry your wrong . Again I'm breaking news I think is already know and thats that they have never really needed you in the first place , anyone who feels the desire to want to change  , manipulate or try to control another person's life is obviously managing to do a great job of living life and they were doing it all well before they ever meet you .

 You are and always will be your own amazing brilliant individual person who is free to do what ever you want to do (within reason of course 😉 ) and its your life to live and no one else's.

 Question..... Do you feeling strong enough to take thst first step ?

  

Blaming .

 Domestic abuse blaming what a subject to discuss and try to unravel....

 The abused victim blames the abuser and the abuser blames the abused victim  . In my case yes most of it was my exs fault but to a certain degree I'm to blame too......why ?....

  Because I let it happen for much longer than it should of done. Yes I blame myself totally for that one because it was solely my fault and my decision for not putting a stop to it when it first all started all those years ago  .

I should of left the first time when I had the first opportunity and not wasted any more of my very valuable years of life being intimidated and abused . Does it make me cross or angry ?....

Yes to a certain point it does , I'm beyond feeling any effectionate feelings towards my now ex but I can't help but be slightly annoyed with myself for being such a wimp and not standing my ground . I wonder what would have happened if I had started saying No ! right at the beginning ? There's only 3 reasons I can think of to be thankful for all my years wasted and they of course are my children .

When your being abused you get sucked into it untill you can't see that your slowly sinking into a dismal pit of dispare . 

Some would say I shouldn't blame myself for any of it  but unfortunatly that's something I think will never change and I will just have  to live with and most importantly I should never of allowed my children be witness or experience any of it . 

 The Abuser will try to blame the rest of the world rather than take the responsibility and accept the blame for their own actions then if all else fails they will then try to convince anyone who will listern to them that your a complete and utter fruit cake that shouldn't be left in charge of a bowl full of jelly . Their warped logic is to try to make those who don't know you hate you and those that do know you hate you even more , they don't care who that person might be , it could be a friend , an employer, a parent , a random person waiting in line in a shop or even your own child  . They will try to condem you to anyone who will listern to them and the truth sometimes gets exchanged for untruths along the way and those same untruths can expand as time goes by .

 Next comes guilt and do they feel it let alone accept it and its yet another thing I don't have the answer for . Even if they did feel it they would never show it let alone admit to it . I'm more than happy to admit that I will always have a small feeling of guilt because I let my children be involved in it but I don't think there's any felt on my exs side ,  his either hiding it exceptionally well or as I strongly suspect there's absolutely nothing there .

In their eyes there's only one mean , selfish greedy , lazy and totally nasty person in their life and that's you . You were the one that spoilt all their fun , you were the one that broke their heart , you were the one that tried to turn everyone against them and you were the one that never did as they were told  . 

 I think there must be an endless list of things I was for ever being blamed for including not pulling my weight when it came to earning money or constantly having  affairs ( both obviously untrue or else I'd now be a poor homeless hooker without even a piece of stale bread to eat ) . I now know there was absolutly nothing I could have done to stop his abusive controlling ways .

  Being responsible for your own actions is a lesson that everyone should learn in life and especially the abusers but we all know they never will . No idea why it's such an encredibly differcult thing for them to do but obviously that part must be permanently switched off in them .

Do I forgive my exs actions ?..... 

 Not completely yet but over time maybe I might but that's only because I know I'm the much better person . 

Will I ever forget what has happened ? ......

No Never !!

Would I ever help him if I was the only person left on earth to do it ?....

That would all depend on how bad the the situation was I guess .

Donating a bodily organ or blood if it was needed  ?....

Proberly not ( differant blood group anyway) . 

Lending money ?... 

Deffinatly not ever , 

Offering him a bed for the night if it wss needed ?....

 Most likely not but I'd offer the use of a sleeping bag  .

Writting him a personal reference? ......

Only if I'm allowed to mention his a domestic abuser. 

Would I stand up in court supporting another one of their victims ?.....

Yes I honestly think I would. 

Do I think I will ever recieve an apology from my ex  ?.....

 Only of there's a vague chance of hell freezing over .

Will my ex ever accept any blame ? ....

No chance .

Is my life better now without my ex ? ......

Absolutely !!!!!

 Sorry but I honestly don't think if I was reached out to by my ex that I could ever bring myself to do an awful lot to help out not because I'm all bitter and twisted inside over the past events but because I know deep down he would never consider doing it for anyone else in a desperate situation and he wouldnt ever feel quilty for not doing it either . 

Domestic abusers will never take responsibility for their own actions  so they in turn will never receive or deserve my respect !!

  

 

  

   

Hands up ✋️

 Who watched the recent Court case involving Mr Johnnie Depp and Miss Amber Heard ?.....

I'm honestly not taking any sides here writting this because I dont know all the full  truthful facts and newspapers and the media are not always the most reliable source of information  so no l'd rather not go there thank you very much  .

I'm fairly certain in this particular case it wasn't entirely always one sided but what interested and fascinated me the most was the body language used on both sides and how both used the media to their best advantage . Like I've said at the very beginning my intentions are not to take any side here but it's simply to show that domestic abuse regardless of who you may be can happen to absolutely anyone .

In Miss Heards case........... There was a lot of meaningful glances directed towards the jury and some of her witnesses were a little bit interesting and unique to say the least . There was also a lot of wearing of similar styles or colours of outfits here and it normaly followed whatever Mr Depp was wearing the day before ( or was it just all a coincidence ? ) . It certainly must of been quite an upsetting and slightly scary experience for all concerned but I personally think a true victim wouldn't necessarily sit and cry quite the way she did and the photos of injurys recieved didn't really show a great deal and nothing major and where they photo shopped or where they real was never really proven .  The bruise make up kit was a little bit dubious and I was never completly sure if it was used to add them or hide them . Unfortunatly for her the defensive team she picked didn't come across as that fantastic and the confusion over the money she was supposed to have donated or pledged didn't do her any favours either . Miss Heard was using Mr Depps first name at regular intervals and disbelieved the reason why she wasn't ever being looked in the eye , putting it all down to a guilty conscience . 

Next we have Mr Depps turn........... Granted he did have that look in his eye of replaying past events in his mind and he said everything in a extremely calm collective way and always pausing to think of a good answer before speaking but its also a well known fact that he has been known to take various forms of drugs and he enjoys a good drink after a hard day's work . Again photos of his injurys weren't 100% clear ( apart from the gruesome finger incident of course ) . His team of attorneys were always very on the ball with everything and obviously worked very hard for their money . The evidence used involving recorded conversations was certainly interesting but it did make me wonder why you'd feel the need to do it in the first place . He only ever referred to the other party by using Miss and then the surname and explained his reasons for not wanting to use eye contact .

Did it all go the right way in the end ?.....

 I honesty don't know but it certainly brought domestic abuse out into the open , it showed that men could possibly be the abuse victim too and the legal fight it can involve to prove someone's innocence can be tough  , endless and extremly expensive . Both pleaded the innocent injured party very well , both used various photo , video and voice recordings as evidence and both used friends and family as witnesses and both I feel may have a need to perhaps speak to someone who can help them about their anger management and any other problems or issue's they may have  . 

I suppose my next question is who was the real winner out of all of this ?...

  Apart from the massively expensive attorneys of course  and was there a loser ? both had to drag  their past life history's through the dirt , both have had to endure their private and personal lives being broadcast to the entire world by the media and both have risked their reputation and future in the ever fragile business of making movies .

One thing it did show was that domestic abuse isn't always as simple as it first sounds or appears , that it isn't always about physical damage to someone and that it can happen to absolutly anybody famous or not . Physical abuse causes injuries that can slowly over time heal but emotional abuse can be the silent weapon that causes invisible damage to hearts , souls and minds which then in some cases it can never heal .

 No one will ever really know exactly the events that happen and that were discussed between the two of them , there were only those two people involved and they both have their own unique sides to the story . Both provided some excellent evidence ( although some of it did look and sound a little bit staged at times ) , the Media have had an absolute field day trying to keep everyone informed and updated of the slightest detail and they've made a nice little profit from it all too .

  On a positive note Mr Depp had always said it was never really about the money but more about reclaiming his acting and personal reputation back which I think his managing to do quite well  .  

Miss Heard now has an added extension to her life and seems to have not yet restarted her acting carrier but who knows what the future can bring for her .

I wish both of them well with their chosen futures and thank them on a more personal note for displaying that elephant in the room called domestic abuse , the attention it raised may of died down a little bit now but its all still out there to find on the Internet. 

   

Question time 🤔

There are far too many questions and not enough answers about domestic abuse , would you be able to pick an abuser out in a crowd ? ......

Those that domestically abuse others are very much like chameleons , they can change their colour and character to fit with what ever situation they might find themselves in and you will very rarely get to see the real person behind the mask they wear  . You can quite often find yourself left with endless unanswered questions that do nothing but confuse you even further as time goes by because they all seem never to have an answer  . Just when you think you've worked it all out even more questions need answering and so it all goes on .

Domestic abusers can come in many differant shapes , colours , sizes and sexs . That dear sweet innocent looking little grey haired  old lady with the softly spoken quite little voice in the super market that needed your help with her shopping trolly the other day could be one , that perfect gentleman sat wearing a nice smart expensive suit having his lunch on that park bench reading his newspaper and feeding the pigeons could be one and the nice really friendly person who served you in the garage after filling your car up yesterday could be one too .  It is  vertually impossible to disquinish who the abuser could be in a crowd full of people .

Abusers don't unfortunately have that certain look about them , have big red warning lights on top of their heads or wear a massive badge telling the world what they are and and you will never see a hint of it in their eyes when you talk to them , they wear their fake mask all to well so that others will never see the real person that lies underneath it , those who are abused are the only ones who will ever really get to see the true person that abuses .

Those that are abused are even harder and more differcult to spot because it's a whole  life changing story that's very rarely openly shared whilst it's still happening  . That super confident amazing person at work who seems to know exactly what their doing and where their going in life could go home at the end of the day to a totally differant world that's full of abusive nightmares . They could be scared from the very minute they put yheir coat on and leave work and then automatically go into self protection mode all in preparation to face what ever horrors that live behind their closed front door .

If ever you do get the opportunity to speak to a survivor of abuse just watch very closely their body language and what they say when they discuss things that have happened to them . Everything will be done in a very calm clear collected matter of fact sort of way with no major dramatics and as they remember events you can almost see them reliving it all in their mind and replaying events in their eyes . There will be no dramas , no over acting and most deffinatly no attention seeking . all you will ever get told are the facts and only ever the bare harsh honest truth .

Some survivors are extremly lucky and come out reasonably sane ( I'd like to think I'm part of this very unique group maybe 🤔 )  meanwhile there are others who sadly can find life simply just far too hard and to want to continue with it anymore and this can be just how traumatic domestic abuse can really be  . 

Which ever one it is , the feelings and emotions you can be left with after domestic abuse can end up being just like a major attack from a group of Demenators that are mentioned in a best selling Harry Potter book by J. K Rowling and its going to take slightly more than just a bar of chocolate to make things feel better . There are unfortunately no magical remedies or potions and deffinatly no magic wand that can take away all the pain caused by an abuser . 

  The after effects can give you some amazingly brilliant bright sunshine days and then you can equally get some endlessly dark cloudy ones . Some days seem to be stupidly short with your list of things to do never getting finished and you wonder where all the time has gone and some can feel like the days are just dragging on like life is all in slow motion and it all feels like things take an entirety to do but you still just keep on going regardless . The side effects left after abuse are just something you strangly just get used to it all as time goes by  .

 Domestic abuse survivors are a rare but extremly tough special group of individuals , we have lived through all sorts of variouse forms attacks be it physical or emotional , we've come out the other side and we are constantly watching over our shoulder for any one who dares think they are brave enough to try to get away with it .  As the saying goes " What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger " and  I fully believe this to be true ( at least in my case anyway ) ,  personally I will never allow anyone to think they have the right to try to own me , control me or abuse me ever again .

Meanwhile the abuser will just simply carry on doing what they do best  , they will just keep moving on and find their next victim to abuse and control ( notice they will only ever ho gor people they think are weaker than themselves ) . They will never comprehend that their actions are not an exceptable way to live and they will never offer anyone a deep and meaningful apology for it either .

After effects.

I can't speak for others but I know the after effects must be similar once you escape from your abuser with its various ups and downs ..... 

You can have some amazingly great days where you feel your ready to rule the world standing on top of the tallest mountain shouting to the world what a beautifully fantastic day its going to be and then there's the opposite side when you have days where you just want to stay in bed , pull the cover back firmly over your head and wonder if anyone would really notice if you just magically disappeared or would they really care  . 

  Those horrible dark foggy days are not the best whatever you decide to call them ( depression , PTSD, black dog and all their other various names ) and yes everyone gets those sort of days at some point in life  but after you've spent a good few years being abused they tend to be a bit bigger , darker and a lot heavier . They have a nasty habit of being able to take over and smother you occasionly ( in the most severe cases it can even lead to suicide ) , they can take over your whole very existence and totally ruin your life and even a super hero won't be able to do very much about it  .

 Other people will always try their very best to help,  understand and care but when your brain is busy whirling round like a mad demented crazy washing machine on what feels like an everlasting spin cycle muddling up all your normally logical reasonably sane thoughts sometimes and there's not a lot anyone can really do to help untill those thoughts and feelings are all good and ready in their to start falling back into their normal place on their own and life can start getting back to some sort of relative normality . 

 Yes you can go to your nice local doctor and ask for some lovely little pills to help take it all away and yes it can help enormously but at the end of the day those pills will never be able to take away what the cause of it all was , that same monster that lives under your bed will still be there just watching and waiting to catch you out unexpectedly another time when you least expect it and the whole crazy thing will happen again . 

Can talking to other people help ?.... 

Absolutly I honestly think it can but it still doesn't completely change the way your thinking or feeling at the time when the heavy clouds decend and you feel totally overtaken by the darkness , you may be surrounded by hundreds and thousands of other people but you can still feel very much alone . There are many various  brilliant counsellors , therapists , doctors and others out there that can/ will help you and yes of course please contact one if you feel it may help because that's exactly what their there for or find a very trusted friend or a special confidant and share a coffee or tea just simply talking . If you think talking to a totally random stranger may help you then just check out my blog email in my profile  ( I won't ever pretend to have all the answers but sometines it's better to put it all on the outside rather than keeping it in dont you think ? 🤔 ) .

  I now count myself extremly lucky and very thankful that I rarely have one of those horrible grotty days and that when it does happen my own various shades of grey don't get nearly as dark and scary as they used to be . I'm by nature an upbeat positive thinking optimistic kind of person but even I can get the odd bad day unexpectedly when I least expect it and when these do happen I can now hear my mothers voice in my head telling me  " get your finger out and get on with it girl ! " so I force myself to put my crown back on straight , pull my socks back up and put a smile on ready to face whatever the day might bring even if the stuff on the inside is still having a major disagreement with its self . The smile may sometimes be a forced fake one but at least I'm still trying to smile ( most days its very real of course ) 😊 .

  Unfortunately there is and never will be a fast and simple answer or magical cure for depression but those with it should always try to remember that they are not and never will be alone with their dark days , this is where your most valued trusted friends come into play and personally I would never be where I am today without mine ( they know who they are 😏 )  . Sometimes just sitting next to someone who cares without actually saying a single word can mean a great deal to someone else who may need it  .

 Today might be the darkest dismal day for you but it could be the most outstanding beautiful sunny day tomorrow 😎 .

    

  

Recovery .

 Now my story's been told and its hopefully being read by other people out there in the big wild world ......

The next question is " what do I do next ?" ....... so after a good night's sleep and a bit of a think over a cuppa I've decided to keep on going talking/writing about domestic abuse ,

 the after effects and the help that's out there because even if just one person reads my rambling words and thinks " OMG !! that sounds just like me " then it will all be worth it .

 I won't pretend to have all the right answers but theres one garrented thing I can promise and that is that I will listern and be there . I have found just doing the simple thing of just talking to someone else can take the massive weight of being domestically abused off of a persons shoulders and that's my whole purpose behind continuing with all of this . 

 Telling the very first person is the tricky part but it honestly does get easier each and every time , I've got to admit that even though I'm always very open and honest about what happened to me it's the " he was domestically abusive to me " bit that's always the hardest part to say but once that's all out the way the rest just naturally flows out , I'm never entirely sure if it all sounds rather over the top and dramatic when I say it out loud to other people but it is what it is and I'll keep on saying it and if people want to know more I'll keep on telling them .

  

  Domestic abuse can come in many different shapes and forms some physically violent and some emotionally damaging both can leave their mark but it's not always visible . Physical bruises may heal but the mental bruises and scars can go on for some people eternally but talking outlook to some else can be the first step to recovery . 

  Domestic Abuse can happen to absolutly anyone be they male,  female , gay , straight , black , white , rich , poor or even Famous . It's been happening for hundreds of years and unfortunately it will sadly continue to do so for even more .

  I've never and will never understand why someone feels the need to hurt or injure someone else just because they can't control their temper ( don't ever believe a temper cant be controlled because its just a very lame and feeble excuse when it comes to abuse ) or because they want to get their own way .   

  For a start abuse to men is very rarely spoken about , be it shame or male pride that gets in the way I don't really know but everyone is equal when it comes to being abused and the aftercare should be equal too . The men out there tend to keep it all to themselfs and don't share what is or has been happening to them and that must be really incredibly tough going for them . It's hard and tough enough for women to discuss things like this too but in a strange way it seems to be even harder for the boys to do it  , their defensive barriers go up and some just suffer in total silence .

Why is it OK for a woman to hit back with another woman when trying to defend herself but if a guy dares to do it he can instantly be arrested for violence ?  It's all wrong on so many levels ( not just  the violence but the treatment and aftercare too ) I'm not saying it's OK for anyone to hit back with anyone else but its just an example how men and women can be treated completly differently . I've heard of loads of examples where the man is instantly blamed and questioned by police after a domestic abuse incident but the real female culprit is laughing and getting away with it all . 

Things need to change big time  !!!!

  A few years ago I was completely and utterly gobsmacked to discover just how few male refuges there really were in England for example the nearest one to the south east of England at the time was in Wales !!!  Yet a women's refuge can be in the next town to where she lives  , absolutely true and absolutely not fair , what happened to Sexual equality  ? I would like to think things have improved since then but there's no garrentee . Do you know where your nearest male refuge could be ?

Be honest with yourself who would you want to believe more the husband or the wife if you discovered domestic abuse was going on in a relationship ?.........exactly and thats my whole point . Its still after all these years very one sided which might be one of the many reasons the men out there don't tend to bother to speak up much about it and to be honest you can't really blame them for that if this is the sort of aftercare they might get offered .

    Why should a dad have to fight sometimes for years in court to try to gain custody of his own children and go through various hoops in order to prove his a good father when its the mum who is the abusive aggressive one in the first place ? and she automatically gets custody of the children ! Yet if it was the other way round mum and children get all the help and advice , police are called and husband/partner arrested straight away and very few questions asked .

Why are dad's not given the same rights as a mother to their own children  ?... 

 why should the men be the ones that have to suffer when an abusive relationship goes wrong and they were the innocent party ?...

Why are they the ones thst are automatically blamed and not believed ?....

 None of it makes any logical sense really does it and  that's because things need to change dramatically .

   So this is for all the guys out there who have either gone through it or are still in the middle of it ....... yes there really honestly is help out there for you when you feel ready to find it  . Never forget there really are people out there who will listern to you , believe you , and understand exacly what your going through , they can/will try to do their very best to help you . I may not have all the answers that might be needed but if you need a friendly trusted person to talk, scream or swear to just look in my profile and you'll find my blog email ( 100% confidential and without any blame or  criticism given ) 😊 . 

The road back for all domestically abused victims regardless of who they are can be a bit rough and bumpy at times but just keep on traveling on it and you will get to where you want to be eventually . Your golden future is just around the next corner so why not start the journey. 

   

  

My story Part 12 .

 So there you have it , my 28yrs of Domestic Abuse story all bundled up and squashed into lots of  small managable parts ........ 

It doesn't seem like a lot really does it when it's all written down and you read it , it certainly doesn't come across as that major life changing traumatic or horrific but trust me on the outside I may come over as a strong, confident no shit taking kind of girl but on the inside there's still some inner healing to be done but I'd like to think I'm getting there 😊 . 

My self belief had a bit of a major battering but even that is improving more each and every day , it can't be all that bad if I'm fully prepared to discuss my dismal past with complete strangers on here .

 I still have the odd random down day where all I just want to do is to dig a dirty great big hole somewhere and then climb into it but it's never nearly as bad as it used to be and it never lasts that long nowadays , thankfully . When they do happen I simply just put it down to it just being one of those days and I'm sure their not that much differant to the ones everyone else has occasionly. 

 I have never been a great fan of arguments or confrontations and I always try to avoid them if possible but equally I am not afraid to now give as good as I get when pushed to the utter extreme and I'm now more than capable to fully kick arse back if required . I've never been much of violent person either but I now make sure no one will ever have the opportunity think they can control or own me again . 

Unfortunatly I do think I'm stuck now with being slightly jumpy at the smallest slightest thing or sound but at least I can now laugh about it when it happens and just see it for what it is ....me just being a jumping jack firework  😊 .

There are two things I've apprently gained afterwards and their both something I was never really aware of . One is a new found glow and the other is my smile , people have mentioned this on more than one occasion and I now have both perminatly and by all accounts they really suit me 😊 .

I'm still none the wiser as to why my now ex is the way he is or why he thinks its the correct way to treat someone who you are supposed to care about but what I do know is he is still doing it even now to someone else and leaving a trail of deflated egos behind him ,  in fact I'm now in contact with some of his exs and we have some great chats and laughs comparing notes . It's been great therapy for all concerned and we're all now good friends . 

Do they really truly love who ever they are with at the time I've no idea but by the time old age creeps up with him I hope he looks back and wonders why or how on earth he ended up being all sad and lonely ( which I'm fairly certain he will be ) . 

   Personally I don't think I've done too bad for someone who was supposed to be " fat , useless and ugly " , I have a great job I still love doing  , I help run my new partners construction business  and I not only have a great bunch of totally trusted outstanding brilliant friends now but I'm also lucky enough to now be back in contact with a few who I used to know many years ago before it all started . I now get to go out for an evening when and where I want and wearing whatever I want and all done without worrying about what could happen if I came home a bit later than planned ( in fact its now positively encouraged 🤣) .  Life now is exactly the it should be , there's laughter fun and endless calmness . No longer are there the daily anxiety moments and deffinatly no more trying to predict the next hour or minute . You don't tend to realise just how valuable your sanity is untill someone else cruelly tries to take it all away from you . 

My kids have somehow and by some minor miracle managed to come out from the dark side they once had to silently tolerate and they have found that they too can now be reasonably intact confident people in their own unique special way and most importantly I've now found someone who actually loves me for who I am and not what they think they want me to be .

  As I've said before if I can do all of this so can anyone else , there's only one thing stopping you and that is yourself  , so why not be brave and take that first daredevil jump towards your freedom . Its scary and happy all at the same time but the inner peace that can be gained from it deffinatly outweighs everything else that's negative .   

   Just simply take a deep breath and jump , your friends and family will be your safety net !!!