Changes .

 

A domestic abusive relationship can contain a whole lot of variouse changes for all those involved in it .......

  The abuser changes from the caring , loving, and amazing person you thought you knew into something from a horror movie.

  It all starts very slow and gradually even to the point where you don't even notice it happening to you ,  those helpful ' constructive criticisms " that you may get passed in your direction at the start can come with kind gentle looks and smiles and you'll only hear them on random occasions ( when your dressing up to go out somewhere for example) . You doubt your own actions, so you change your plan and use whatever loving advice you were offered .

 Over time you'll start to hear them more and more , all about silly little different things and those comments that were once spoken then start to turn into a louder raised voice and the helpful advice grows into sarcastic comments ( often done in front of others to make sure your nice and embarrassed ) . You begin to start to question your own decisions and believe that maybe you've been living life and doing things all the wrong way .

Then the shouting and accusations begin , everything you say or do is filled with accusations, and the person you once were is now no more, and you've become the anxious scared what could happen next person . You jump and do whatever is demanded of you because you know exactly what can happen if you don't .

  Now all the above all sounds totally crazy , why wouldn't you notice what's going on and do something about it, but it's really not that simple . Only someone who has been or is still there will know exactly what I mean . You get so wrapped up in thinking and believing it's all your fault, and you're the problem that you don't see that it's the one abusing with the issues and not you at all .

This is just how good domestic abusers are at what they do and why others end up being with them . A normal logical thinking person would avoid anyone that came over as slightly aggressive or domineering at the first meeting but that exactly how could domestic abusers can be , they don't want you to see what they're really like straight away or else there's no point in even beginning to talk to you .

Meanwhile the abused victim starts the relationship as the cheerful loving partner , their more than happy to do things that they may be asked to do , they are just in most cases so loved up that they have no idea what's about in store for them in the future. 

  The victim's personality starts to begin  to drain away without noticing it's happening , the way they act , speak, and even dress changes because they are trying so hard to make the other person happy that that they can't see that they may not be .  It's this person the domestic abuser really wants and not the person they first originally . They know no one would ever be with them if they knew what they were really like so they do what chameleons do and simply just change their colour to fit .

The person I once was is a lot different to who I am now . I used to be a lot less cautious and considerably more trusting back then , I was never very good at arguments and disagreements and I'd go out of my way to avoid them if possible,  I'd much rather sit down and discuss a problem rather than shout about it ( still do to a certain point ) but now thanks to my now ex domestic abuser and the unpleasant experience I had whilst with him I'm now considerable more stronger and fight back if its neeeded . 

  Do I miss the person I used to be ?....

 Maybe, but then I wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't lived through my 28 years of abuse and survived it . My survival has made me mentally stronger and ready to tackle what ever life or fate may decide to put in my direction , I now face things head on and there's no more brushing things under the carpet so they can't be seen  . 

 Everyone changes as they get older and wiser you might say but that part way deep inside doesn't really , it tends to stay the same no matter how much you might pretend it doesn't , you will always be the same except your principals and  attitude about living your life might change and develop . life is exacly what ever you make it and want it to be , granted you may have to adapt things a bit along the way but it's all yours so why not do thing's your way and not the way any domestic abuser wants .

I've no idea if whatever I'm posting on here or the other places is worth anything to anyone else or even sightly interesting but to me it's all been priceless ,  I wouldn't be as where I am now without being able to put all my seriously mixed up mess of thoughts down somewhere at the begining and although I can still remember every single horrendous moment of my past I now no longer let it fester and take over my world. 

  I know someone somewhere is reading it all along the way and I'm grateful for it , maybe it's helping someone and maybe its not but it's been a massive help to my recovery. 

As I've said many times before I always try to turn anything negative into a positive so let's end on this , the final picture is a recently taken one whilst enjoying all the delights an English Autumn can bring , its still warm enough to not need a coat or jumper  ( due to change very soon) and walking through all those delicious crunching golden brown leaves raises a garrented smile to myself every time 😊 .

  

 

  

Ying &Yang.

  

If Domestic abuse is the Ying then the freedom that can be found after it must then be the Yang ......

As you must already know I'm a bit of an old hippy at heart ( more than a bit I think ) and I reckon that there are loads of really good examples of Ying and Yang all around....... 

Good/bad

Right/wrong

Happy/sad

Dark/light 

  The statement at the very begining of all of this is totally true in my mind , domestic abuse is the extreme intense darkness and the freedom you can get from it when you break away is the bright happy ever after sunshine . Maybe its a very simplistic way of thinking and looking at it but if it works for me then I'll just keep on thinking it .

This eternal annoying optimist always somehow regardless of what's going on in life always seems to be able to look on the bright side about everything . It's nothing that I've taught myself to be But it's just the way I've always been and it all comes to me perfectly naturally , if I see or feel anything even just slightly negative then I always try to turn it into a positive . I even share the positivity around as much as I possibly can because I've got loads of it to share around .  

I may of spent far too long letting myself be domestically abused ( yes I take a very small portion of the blame because I let it happen longer than it should of done ) but the way I look at things is that it's taught me some very good important lessons in life and without it I certainly wouldn't be talking to you all now .

  I've always enjoyed writing and even thought when I was growing up that maybe one day I'd get really brave and clever enough to perhaps even write a book 🤔 . 

This is where my perminate positively comes into play , why can't I write my book , there's no one stopping me doing all the things I want to do now , if I can't believe in myself then who else will !!!

 I think the great Oscar Wilde had the right idea , it's all about being happy in your own skin and being true to yourself . 

There was once a time when I had absolutely no idea who the hell I was but now the real me is out and enjoying dealing with everything that life decides to throw in my direction . 

If I'm honest the confidence is still a little bit shaky sometimes but its getting a lot better and doing these posts have been a great help , knowing that someome out there somewhere is reading any of them is also a nice positive thought ( and I thank you for it ) . Sometimes the smallest and simplist things in life can somtimes give the biggest and best results .

Thinking positive doesn't always come naturally to some and that's one of my many reasons of why I like to share mine all around , it doesn't cost anything and the whole idea of it is really easy .......you just need to start with a smile 😃. 

Smiles can be highly contagious , once you start to smile then someome else will and so it can just keep travelling along making everyone else feel good . 

 Feeling good and positive can help build your inner strengh , it can make your day be brighter and it can help take away the pressure and the stress that life can somtimes bring . It's all about your state of mind and how you want to deal with things .

You have all read by now about my favorite happy place is just being outside and I fully believe everyone has their own one somewhere , I do some of my best thinking in my happy place , I have my best ideas and some of my better photos are taken there too . 

I count myself extremly lucky to get some of my positivity from simply just absorbing all that Mother Nature has to offer and the bonus is it's all being given out for totally free !!

 It's Autumn time here in England and the leaves are just begining to fall , conker (horse chestnuts) hunting is in full swing and the evenings are slowly getting a little bit cooler......and it's all simply just absolutely perfect .

Granted Its just my own personal way of looking at things but that's what you get when your a positive thinker , you see only the best things and never the worst .

Even during my most dark days I would try to stay as  positive as I could because that was one of things that couldn't be taken away from me somtimes it wss about the only thing that would keep me going .

The photo below was taken by myself this afternoon whilst on a brief after work walk , and I have to admit I had great fun listening to the birds singing whilst crunching my way through all those gorgeous various golden colours , I must of looked like I'd just escaped from somewhere òr like an over grown 4 yesr old as I was smiling away to myself with each and ever step I took but I couldn't help it of care less , I loved every single minute of it and the sound it all made was absolutely fantastic . In fact thinking about it I may just have to go and do it all again another day really soon before the weather changes and the leaves all crumble away to nothing .

 I never see Autumn as the end of summer but instead I see it as the whole brand new beginning for next years glorious display .

  Life is too short to get it wrong and you only ever get one go at it , so why not make the mostt if what youve got 😊 .

  

 

Domestic abuse awareness month.

Domestic abuse awareness month is in October !!!!!

 and its proof that slowly very slowly other people are being made aware that domestic abuse actually exists .

  My own personal story first started way back in the very early eighties when I first met my now ex , I was young and gullible so I fell for all his woe is me stories , I never really noticed straight away what he was really like and even when it did happen it was over a period of time so I never really noticed it happing untill it became all suffercating and I ceased to exist as myself anymore  .What first started as just the odd little "constructive criticism " ended up becoming emotional abuse , financial abuse, intimidation , manipulation and rape ( agreed to it reluctantly only after being heavily pressured into it ) .There were even a couple of times were my mental state had become so bad that I even considered ending my life just to excape from it all . My story isn't as horrendous or dramatic compared to some others but thats my personal reason for doing exactly what I now do here  , facebook , Instagram , Quora , Threads and X .  

I think I've earnt the right to shout out loud about domestic abuse and I will continue to so  so for as long as I possibly can  !!!!!!

No one ever has the right to abuse someone else ,  no one ever asks for it and most deffinatly no one ever deserves it . The problem lays with the abuser and never their victim , they are the one's insisting on behaving like a spoilt little superbrat throwing thier pathetic temper tantrums or striking out and its all their fault when their victim wakes up to reality and gets rid of them and no one else's. 

If you happen to be reading this or any of my other posts and think to yourself I wish I could just leave or chuck my abuser out then why not just make domestic abuse awareness month the time you do it . scary thought maybe but only at the begining and once you find that all important help then life gets very much easier. Reaching out to find that support and help from various brilliant groups can be just the first step to great brand new existence free from your dark foreboding world that once was . 

My life now is totally domestic abuse free and if anyone dares to even think they can get away with it now they will most certainly be put back under that rock they once crawled out from . 

My abusive past has made me become mentally stronger and I've learnt so many valuable life lessons along the way .  I'm nothing special or inspirational I'm just a normal slightly dented everyday honest and genuine person that now despises anything that is connected to domestic abuse ( not all the positive stuff obviously ) .

My ex hasn't and will never change his still doing what he does to others and I now talk to some of the one that have made their bid for freedom just like I did . There was a very brief moment of worry recently when I discovered he had moved a little bit closer in my direction but the logic kicked back in and I know now that his nothing but a weak and pathetic little slug that wouldn't be brave enough to come anywhere near me now . Let him think his the hottest thing out there trying to get his next victim from his favourite dating site but what he doesn't know is that two complaints about him have now been filed on it and his due to get blocked from it very soon .

Nowadays I get to be completely true to myself and for what ever I want ( all within reason of course ) , I go out when I want , I wear what I want , I talk to whoever I want and most importantly I now have my total and absolute freedom . 

You've seen some of the photos I get to now take involving the very many different places I now get to go to and I now count myself incredibly lucky to be able to have the opportunity to be able to do it  all .

Fishing for example became a newish thing not long after the ex left and it's now become a regular event either just simply grabbing a couple of hours after work or getting up at silly o'clock in the morning to spend a very enjoyable day doing it , my inner peace battery goes automatically onto recharge and I just totally relax with no hurry or worry . That hidden old hippy that lives inside me wouldn't change all the benifits I now get from it for the world and whilst my day is all calm and peaceful my ex can keep his football , PlayStation and his nasty little bitter habits to himself because I simply just love my way of life now !!

Maybe I should be grateful to my ex in a strange bazaar sort of way because if it wasnt for my experience with him I wouldn't be living the kind of life I'm living now and I certainly wouldn't be writing on here or anywhere rlse for that matter . I wouldn't know anything about domestic abuse back then and I most certainly wouldn't be trying to reach out to as many people as I like to think I am now . 

  Domestic abuse is wrong on so many levels and it doesn't matter if your gay , straight,  black , white , old or young it's still and always will be abuse . it will never be acceptable behavour from anyone and those that abuse most certainly don't deserve anyone's affection or attention .

Please don't let Domestic abuse awareness month go unnoticed , remember those that have suffered or are still finding themselves surrounded by it but especially spare a thought to those whose lives were ended before they should have done by someone else's hands because of it .

 If anyone needs a trusted listening friend then please find my Blog email in my profile , all contact will of course be kept totally confidential. 

Now let's end all this on a positive note after all that negativity and always remember to breath that good air in on order to allow all that bad air out .......

( photo taken myself .

  

  

Me , myself and I .

 

 Domestic abuse is just in case you've not noticed it yet is a subject I feel extremely seriously strongly about.......

Apart from mentioning the fact that I have

managed to successfully escape from my      own 28yr version of it endless times what I    hadn't done yet after with just over the past

fifty odd posts is to introduce myself properly to all who may read any of these so maybe it about time I did ( extremely bad manners I know )   .                                                           

  

Just in case you've not worked any of  it out for yourselves yet or you've only just begun reading then let's start with a few basics .......

.

Hello my name is Polskie 👋 ( not my real name but that will always remain private and anyone who knows me really well and reads this will recognise its me anyway ) .                                  

I'm English and have lived here all my life.

I'm a little bit too close to being sixty than I'd like to be .   

  

I will always refuse to get old gracefully .   

  

I do have a job and also help part run another business .      

                                      

     I have 3 all but grown up children .

I fully believe in old fashion good manners and respect ( as taught to me by my mother and in turn taught to my children ) . 

I'm lucky enough to have a very special person in my life and have done for several years .       

I love my garden and try to grow an endless assortment of things .   

 

One if my top favourite books is To Kill a Mocking Bird by Harper Lee .

Top favourite films either The clour Purple , The green Mile or the Warriors .

Favourite music can range from the Sex Pistols to Edward Elgar's Nimrod .

I own one daft dog and two purrfect cats ( who may at some point make their  appearance)  .

                                              

I'm a bit of an old school hippy kind of            person at heart with a splash of rebellious punk thrown in for good measure .       

                     

I'm an extremly annoying positive thinking eternal optimist .   

                     

My favourite place is anywhere outside (and within reason in all weathers )  .  

      I like and enjoy taking photos as you've probably noticed by now and the last one used on this is one of my lilys that were growing in my garden this summer.

I hate any pictures of myself so sorry none will ever appear on here ( not unless of course I get hundreds and thousands of followers , I get incredibly famous instantly overnight or get extremly drunk all of which are extremly unlikely ) .

     I'm as honest , truthful , humble and as genuine as I possibly can be in life .  

I love peace and hate any forms of abuse or violence . 

    And finally and most importantly I'm now my own free person and I love living my life !!! 

OK thats all the basic boring stuff done ( most I've already written about anyway ) and you all now know a little bit more about me and with it I hope I've now just proved I'm just a normal everyday kind of person who just simple puts down on here all sorts of weird random stuff that goes through my head .

This whole thing I have to admit has been at least for me personally better than any counsellor or therapist , it's given me the opportunity to put my story out there instead of it being just being stuck somewhere in the dark corners of my mind festering away .

This all started for purely selfish reasons but then I felt I needed to share it because as I've said before if just one person reads it all and thinks " that's just like me " then it's all been very much worth it .

I made the decision a while ago to extend it on various other social media sites  facebook , Instagram , Quora and the now X  but it should in theory all lead back to here .

Follow me or not ( quite like it if you did ) at least I'm not allowing domestic abuse to remain quite or rule my life anymore , I try always to be completely honest about it if I'm asked about my version of it and its just tough luck if it's not liked by anyone .

My now ex ( whose name I will never reveal on here but close family and friends know it ) was and still is to my knowledge) extremly controlling and emotionally abusive and but has yet never been physically violent , my time used to be spent trying to make the home environment as pleasant as I possibly could for myself and my children but it was an endless unforgiving waste of energy because the goal posts were always being endlessy moved further apart .

He will never ever change but I know I now thankfully have , I'm now having an absolute ball being true to myself and being the person I should have been when I was with him .

Do I regret any of it ? .... Maybe but then I wouldn't have had my children .

I know my story is nothing compared to other domestic abuse stories but it all boils down to the same thing , abuse no matter what type it may be is still uncalled for and extremly wrong !!

Abusers will always abuse but the abused hold the ace card , they can when they are good and ready just take the leap and make that break for freedom , yes its not always easy and I would be lying if I said it was but it's so well worth it in the end .

I now very much value my new found freedom to be myself and encourage anyone else to do it too , all you need to do is just simply turn the page in the book of life and start a brand new exciting chapter .

Scared? Then dont be ... There's are loads and loads of amazing people who can help you , sorry I only know the English ones but other countries must have their own versions .  Let's all help those that may need it .

Now its all your turn , if you read this and like it then why not follow , why not just simply say hello and/ or introduce yourself or simply just send a friendly smile 😊 . 

( email in profile for those that want privacy)

Make today a great day and enjoy it !!!!

       

     

        

Repeat , Repeat, Repeat .

 

Abusers / Narcissists call them what you like but everything they do or have done seems to repeat it's self........

  Surviving an abusive relationship isn't the easiest thing to do but yes of course it can be done because as I've said loads of times before I've lived through 28yrs of it and survived it !

Why do I keep repeating myself ? ......

 Because I'm ever hopeful that one day maybe just maybe who ever reads these blogs may just think to themselves  " OMG !!!!! thats just like me and if she can do it so can I !!!  " 🤔

Domestic abuse is a lot to do with repeats , the abusers/ Narcissists do it , the victims do it and yes I'll hold my hands up and admit to   even I'm doing it when I'm writting about it and that's because that's what some of domestic abuse is all about . 

  I've noticed having after escaping from my abuser that there's sometimes a sort of pattern to it all , it's like everything is on a continuous loop that just never stops going round and round . 

 Victims can't ever change the record because the abuser controls all the songs , they control how every single day and night is played and the victims know after a while exactly what will happen to them if they don't dance when ordered to dance .  

 The music might change over time but the backing track will always be exactly the same .

Example.....

 I've discovered recently my now ex has all but repeated himself to those that have followed in my foot steps . 

  Same places visited , same heart breaking sob stories told and even rings brought to show his " ownership " plus all the same nasty spiteful comments when his finally dumped yet again .  

 Exactly the same controlling rules are used over who , where , what or how everything has to be done and finally the same old big black soul destroying and mentally damaging silences or massive temper tantrums if things don't go the right way .

Three of us ex-victims are now in contact with each other for full moral support and all three of us will do exacly same thing to the next one that comes along when they are ready and need it .

 Yes I'm just as bad about repeating the same stuff over and over again and I'm sorry if others don't like it but I'm afraid it has to be done and I will continue to do so for as long as I can . 

 Domestic abuse and its after effects has to be literally shoved in the face of those who want to sweep it under the carpet , it won't ever go away by itself and most certainly should never be hidden . It's a foul ugly massive big subject that needs to be brought out more into the open and then discussed about . I'm not suggesting everyone should instantly hate abusers that they don't know ( I'll leave that to those that have been abused ) but what I am saying is by all means hate all forms of Domestic abuse and just simply be there to talk to if anyone needs it. .

  Granted Its not a particularly pleasant subject to discuss and its not the most reverting or interesting one either to those who haven't experienced it but yet it's still happening all over the world and very few shout about it .

 I remember all to well those feelings and emotions I had when I was stuck in my own Domestic abusive hellish nightmare , thinking there was nobody out there to help me and it all must be my fault , that's exactly one of  the many reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing now . 

  There are thousands out there in this great big wide world who are right now being subjected to all sorts of horrendous forms of abuse , everything from having their every move controlled to extreme physical violence (even some sadly losing their life to it ) , it's the humongous giant elephant in the room and far too many people choose to ignore it and that's wrong on so many levels .

    🌏   WAKE UP WORLD  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  🌏

 I'm going to just keep on going doing this for as long as I can and its for all those that are/where abused and for those that haven't had that experience yet ,  I will continue to repeat things and be there for those that may need it ( email in profile if needed and all kept strictly confidential ) .

 

 Domestic abuse is full of endless ridiculous stupid rules made by those that abuse and I now refuse to obey to any ( OK maybe a few just to keep things legal and not be arrested in life  😉 ) , I'm sure I've properly broken a few along the way doing this but that's what domestic abuse is like , it doesn't have any set rules ( apart from of course those made by the abuser ) and like I said at the very start I'm going to say things as they are and just like I'm talking to a friend .  My blogs may contain repeated stuff ( my intentions are to inform and not bore ) , I may swear ( not as much as I'd like to ) , I may not have many followers ( please do ) or have hundreds of readers ( again please do ) and it may not always be full of long endlessy written words but what they will always contain will be truth and 100% genuine honesty ( and proberly very unlikely chance of any adverts either due to the subject matter perhaps not being interesting enough to others 🤔 ) .  

 If others don't like my posts because of the subject concerned or think its not interesting enough for them to read then tough don't bother reading it then  , sorry but domestic abuse may not be one of those really fascinating deep thinking mind gripping kind of subjects out there but it still exists and always will  , It will always be an unpleasant thing but that's life and its not going to ever change or go away quietly .

 

 That's enough negative thinking for the day I think and  I'm now breathing out all that bad air and replacing it all with the good stuff instead .

  The picture below has absolutely nothing to do with any of the subject matter above but what it does do however is help to remind me of the great day I've recently had when it was taken and that I'm now a free person to do as I like , no one will ever own me again and I can now do or go wherever I want . 

 

  Just because the sun is setting it doesn't mean to say tomorrow can't be an amazing day too !!!!!!!!

  

 

Monsters .

 

Narcissists/abusers can be anyone's major monster that lives under the bed....

 It's just like a bad dream but it never leaves you completly , it likes to raise its ugly , foul , disgusting very much unwanted head up again on random unexpected occasions .

Just when you think everything in your life is running all smooth and calm with no added worries attached , along comes that dreaded monster crawling out from under the bed trying to just to remind you it still exists and a tiny fragment of it will always be a part of your life untill the day you die  . 

  Let me explain the minor dramatics a little bit better to you all today .

 I have been doing either a really nice kind thing or a totally dumb arse thing , I keep an eye on my abusive exs latest victims , not all the time you understand but just occasionly to see how that person is doing .....Why ?

Because I know exactly what's in store for them and exactly what their dismal future will be like .

No... I don't ever try to warn them or interfer and never would ( properly wouldn't want to listern to me anyway ) , I just keep an eye on how things are going in the very distant background .

No , it's not because I still have feeling or care for my ex or that I'm being a nosey old cow , I feel absolutely nothing about that worthless piece of foul excuse for a man . Its all because I know the effect my 28yr relationship with him had on my own life and the side effects it has now left me with . I just simply reach out to them when they finally work it all out on what his really like , I let them know who I am and I'm there to talk to if they ever need it . If they want to talk then great and if they don't want to then that's OK too , I never push or put any pressure on ( I think they have had enough pressure coming from him ) , it's just me offering the help that I once needed but was never offered when I was in that same position .  

  The other day I recieved a message from one of my fellow survivors saying his latest victim had successfully managed to untangle themselves from his vice like grip of control and he had been promptly evicted from the building .  

Variouse messages between us were exchanged but the very first question asked to me was " was he ever controlling with you ? "  I decided not to write my entire 28yr story for them but just agreed 100% and let them know I'm always available if they need to talk about anything .

  This then in turn sort of creates a different kind of question .... where the f£#k has he crawled away to now ?....

 

No , like I said before I don't actually care where the hell its gone to but what I do care about is where its gone because I'd like to get some sort of pre- warning before I get any evil killer glares thrown in my direction when I'm out trying to enjoy myself

somewhere . 

 I know the ex may be the biggest coward out there but those words of " if you ever leave me I will kill you " will always stay in the dark corners of my mind and I'm under no illusion on how much I'm hated  . 

So for the time being at least I'll go back to keeping myself safe on any given opportunity and make sure I have a buddy to walk back home with if I'm out late at night having a drink with some friends and I'll keep it up till I'm safe in the knowledge that his found yet another new victim to distract himself with .

  That's the bit that is never mentioned by any Councillor or therapist,  it doesn't ever matter how long you've been free from your narcissist/abuser they will still be just like that dreaded monster under the bed they will be waiting to get you when you least expect it , all the time they are still walking on this earth you will never be totally and completly free from them ( especially if like me you've had children with them ) .

  Of course I know deep down I'm totally 100% safe and as I've said many times before I'm more than capable of kicking arse back now if or when its needed but it doesn't stop those old almost but not quite forgotten reactions sneaking back into my head . 

   Is it worth all the stress , heartbreak and confusion  getting rid of a Narcissistic abusive person can bring ? .....

          Abso-bloody-lutly !!!!!

   I made that decision a few years ago and I will never regret doing it . In fact I have to say its proberly one of my better decisions in life I've made  🤔 .

  I knocked on the door that had my future behind it and loved on first sight everything that I saw .

  OK yes that nasty monster under the bed will raise itself occasionly but over all life is still phenomenaly outstanding and I wouldn't change what I have now for anything . 

  That monster will always be a despicable monster but it's how you deal with it that really counts .  

  I will watch my back as always but if I'm unlucky enough to see that gross slimeball of a wasted monster on my travels and I shall just smile sweetly and then watch as that one simple small smile can have the great effect of turning his face into something that resembles a dog's bum ! 🤣

   

 

  My door to the future is now wide open and no-one or nothing will ever close it for me ever again ! 

  

  

  

  

The Darknes .

 

Narcissists/ abusers are full of darkness and they insist on sharing it all around them ........

 Why ? I have absolutely no idea but their entire life is full to the brim with it and they never hesitate to share it all around , they have to be the most negative thinking group of people there are in this world .

 For some strange and very obscure reason the narcissist/abusers of this world all seem to enjoy all the negativity that they share , its a totally crazy way to a live a life but they all seem to really enjoy doing it .

Why ? .....

Well that's yet another question on the great list of unanswered questions to do with why they do what they do , we can only guess .

  

 The day might start with glorious sunshine to everyone else  but to them it just means yet another hot sweaty horrible day , there could be the sound of children somewhere just simply laughing and playing in a near by garden  but no in an abusers mind their just completly ruining the day by making an uncalled for annoying noise .

 Oppressive over powering darkness is something that seems to just ooze out of an abusers every single pore of their body , they thrive on it and seem to recharge themselfs with it . Is it learnt behavour from their parents ?....

  I don't know for sure but I think it was possibly the case for my now ex . 

  If you've been reading any of my crazy rambling words you would of properly worked out that I'm a extremly annoying optimistic thinking kind of person and thankfully my children have inherited my positive way of looking at life instead of their fathers ( again learnt behaviour possibly 🤔 ) , they don't feel the need to drain other people's lives with negativity or darkness .

Darkness from an abuser is like a smothering overbearing suffercating foggy sort of feeling , it is the most foulest place to be in when their in the wrong kind of mood  .  Every single day is the equivalent to the end of the world with some abusers and they seem to love nothing more than sharing that darkness around untill everyone else is drowning in it . I could understand it if they had lived through something intensely dramatic to possibly make them that way but no they just seem to be that way evey single day from the minute they wake up  . 

 Abusive people as I've said before seem to need to feel the whole world is against them and rarely just do happy because its fun and enjoyable , random inplusive last minute decisions are again rarely made because that in their minds could mean all sorts of pretentional hazardous possibilities for them to find themselves in ( meaning they might actually end up enjoying themselfs ) . If they stop and realise that they might be doing some thing that was just simply good fun , you know what the atmosphere at home will eventually be like because they will need to recharge their darkness by doing something negative .

 

I'm now thankfully away from the darkness that I once spent 28yrs living through , my life isnt always perfect and I still on a really bad day can feel that nasty depression trying to creep back in and cover me with its blanket of negativity but I've learnt over time to allow myself a brief moment with it instead of trying to battle against it and then when I think its had enough time to fester I just simply find something more positive to take its place ( even if it means I'm getting soaking wet and freezing cold just walking the dog ) . 

  My days are now spent enjoying each and every single moment because I totally refuse to waste anymore of my valuable years on this earth being controlled by a person that doesn't deserve my time or affection so there's no more being orded and covered by the overpowering darkness of someone else . My life is far too short and special to not be happy and enjoy simply just breathing and I fully intend to live it all my way . 

   The photos used at the begining and the very end of this were both taken by myself after having yet another one of those crazy unexpected random thoughts to pay a visit to the coast and it certainly was far too warm not to take advantage of the sea in the second picture . 

  Yes it all ended up being g a more than a slightly rather soggy expeence but skin's waterproof and my clothes all dried out quickly enough , it's most certainly something I could never have thought of doing with my ex abuser 😊 .

Escaping from any narcissist/ abuser isn't a quick and simple thing to do and I would be lying if I said it was . It takes a very brave person to stand up and say " enough os enough ! " to whoever it is that may be abusing them , that person then needs to put their total trust in others to help point them in various differant directions but after a while it does all seem to start making sense and life starts to become worth living again .

 

 Darkness can be driven out and the light will then take over , it can be done because I've done it , lived it and survived it and so can anyone else regardless of what they may of been told . As I've said many times before an abuser needs you much more than you will ever need them and yes you can live your life quite happily without them .

   Only ever let one person in your life try to control your own existence and let that person be you !!

 

           Let that sunshine in !!!!!

   

 

   

 

  

 

Perfect Peace .

 

Domestic abuse can be the most saddest and lonely place to be but it doesn't have to be forever.........

 Victims of domestic abuse can sometimes find themselves surrounded by many people on the outside world but behind their own front door at home they are all very much alone and that feeling all stems from just one person....the domestic abuser. 

Abuse normally as a rule only seems to happen when there's no-one else around to witness it ( yes it can happen in public but very rarely ) , the whole experience is normally strictly reserved for private viewing only .

Those that domestically abuse know exactly what their doing and the effects it can leave behind , there is no point in them doing everything they do for the whole world to see it because that would then mean that everyone would then see the real person that they are and not the perfect person they want to portray themselves to be  . 

They can very successfully manage to only create bruises where they can't be seen or if  one of them is too obvious to hide then they expect various excuses to be created to explain their existence and cover their appalling actions ( normally the victim will accused of being extremly accident prone) . 

  Narcissists , Abusers call them what you like they are all pretty much one and the same thing and they all do very similar things . They all seem to act like they have reverted back to being an extremly  differcult , spoilt , demanding little annoying 3 year old child that can have total major temper tantrums at any given opportunity because life is being extremly unfair to them and its not going their own way .  

 They will scream , shout , sulk and lash out verbally or physically over the most silliest and smallest of things untill in their minds they get what ever it was that they wanted . The craziest and weirdest bit is just when you think that peace has returned once again because you've given in to what ever it was they demanded they then decide to move the goal posts even further apart and they then want something else instead so everything just all starts again !

   I remember those days all too well , never knowing what the day could bring or what ever the next explosion moment could be about .  

You spend your days walking very carefully over extremly delicate fragile thin ice untill it becomes a sort of daily ritual and even then you can never really predict when that ice will begin to start cracking .

 The above is exactly what I did several years ago ,  one morning after waking up and having my customary first cup of tea of the day I had my very own personal version of a light bulb moment and I decided there was only two possible ways my then dismal sad little life could go on and I wasnt quiet ready to give up on living it just yet so I choose the second option of stopping , counting to ten and then starting all over again . 

 Oh wow !!  It certainly has to be one of my better decisions made in life !! 😊

  Life now is pretty much the way it should be , there's no one trying to rule my very existence and every single move I make . I now get to do whatever I want to do ( even if it doesn't always go the way it should ) .

 A good example is... yesterday's great random inplusive last minute decision was to spend the afternoon at the coast just doing all the normal classic seaside kind of stuff  ( as the photo's taken by myself and used on this particular post prove ) .

  So what if I've wasted a silly amount of money on those machines you put the coins in to win cheap plastic things from , so what if I collected yet another pebble to go with my large collection in the garden and so what if I enjoyed delicious good old English traditional fish and chips whilst sitting at the edge of the beach just watching the tide go in and out ....it was an absolutely perfect peaceful way to finish a great day 😊 .

 Escaping and breaking away from those that insist on abusing others isn't always easy but trust me it's all well worth it in the end if you feel brave and strong enough .  

   I'm under no doubt that if your being abused and your reading all or any of my rambling  posts you might be thinking to yourself " no way could I ever do something like that " then I'm sorry but you're wrong , yes of course you can do it and yes of course you can get the same sort of peaceful happy ever after that you so rightly deserve . 

There is only one person ultimately stopping you from taking that first all important first step forward to a new exciting chapter in your life and that's you !!! 

    Granted yes it can be a major seriously scary decision to make but it's what the end result can be that's the most important thing ..... and thats your freedom .

I will never be able to put into enough words just how totally phenomenal that feeling of freedom can be after you excape , you find yourself walking around with a perminate smile on your face for no apprent reason and other people notice your inner shine has returned to where it belongs .

   So today why not make it your mission ( if you choose to except it ) that if something or someone makes you feel sad , lonely or even annoyed......just stop !!....  Count to ten then start all over again .

            I did it and so can you !!! 😊