Feeling small .

 

 Domestic abuse is full of variouse acts of disrespect and humiliation.......

One of an abusers favourite things to go out of their way to make someone else feel almost non-existent , they don't care about how that other person might feel just as long as they think it makes them look bigger and better .

Now we all know that's a highly unpleasant way to treat someone else, but since when has a domestic abuser ever cared about what other people feel ?....

 The more humiliating and embarrassed they can make someone feel then the better it can make them feel . They don't care where they do it but normally, it's done in front of as many other people as possible in order to get the effect they want and they then gloat in other persons public humiliation .

   Belittling someone in order to make themselves look all big and superior is something I know about all too well , the " your fat , usless and ugly " comments were not just reserved for behind closed doors it could dished out on any random occasion that would give my now ex abuser the attention and satisfaction he craved . I've had it thrown at me in supermarkets , outside the school gate , in a church and numerous other places all without any care or thought on how just how devastating and humiliating it might of all been for me .

 

Some of the many many forms of humiliation , disrespect, and being made to feel smaller than a small thing are .......

  Compliments that were actually disguised as an insult .

Making sarcastic comments in order to demean or embarrass. 

Laughing at opinions , ideas, or actions in front of other people .

Saying things to undermine or insult .

Another persons achievements or any success totally dismissed or down played .

Cutting someone else off in mid sentence making it look like that the other person is talking utter rubbish .

The abuser then insults you even further by trying to say they " were only joking " in order to justify their actions which we all know is just a feeble excuse .

The abusers aim is complete embarrassment and awkwardness for the other person and unfortunately it's normally directed towards the latest poor victim who they happen to find themselves caught in their large sticky spider Web . 

 Being made to feel small can be completely soul destroying and it can crush any self-confidence a person may have . Abusers only thoughts are to make sure whoever they are with at the time feel totally belittled , weak and usless .

   Yes , you could try to defend yourself by reversing it all back to them but then the treatment can either get worse or the killer glare of " just wait till I get you back home " could happen , once that door is closed be prepared for revenge in which ever form they feel fits the crime .

 The big question is why does the abuser insist on doing what they do and is it all about just to make them feel better about themselves ?....

 Possibly , maybe , could be but to be honest it's anyone's guess . 

They must have a seriously low opinion of themselves if they feel the need to make someone else feel even smaller than they are or maybe they are just so bitter , twisted  and nasty that they actually believe its all perfectly normal and everyone does it .

  Maybe its all classic Napoleon Syndrome/complex/  ( my ex was about the same height as me but his character was weaker ) where they feel the need to over compensate all their social shortcomings and small character by being intimidating or aggressive towards others 🤔 ,

or it could just be that they are nothing but pathetic overgrown temper tantrum throwing 2 year olds who don't know how to behave themselves properly and they have no intention of ever growing up !

   OK , so you find yourself being made to feel small and inferior what's the next steps ?....

As I've just said you could try go do it back but there could be unfortunate consequences attached .

You could try turning all that negativity into a positive by using humour and just laugh it off ( but over time it can cease to be funny in any form and you run out of laughter ) .

  You could be brave and say it as it is , that you don't appreciate what's being said and there was no reason to say it ( but would the abuser get what your saying and would they stop doing it ?..)

Knowing what's meant as a genuine gone wrong joke and what's just offensive ( not always an easy job when it comes to abusers because they are so hood at what they do ). 

 Doing something is sometimes better than doing nothing so as your sat/stood there feeling like you just want to melt away 

 and you feel like all the eyes in the room are aimed in your direction and the person who is trying their best to make you feel not worthy of being is there then maybe you should start to consider if you really need this sort of treatment from someone who is supposed to care about you .

 Do you really need your confidence getting a battering every time you are near other people within hearing and when does a " joke " stop bring a joke ? ....

    Being positive is now one of my favourite occupation's and I'm one of the first to enjoy a really good laugh but if someone dares to crossover the line or decides their idea of fun is to belittle me and try to make me look worthless then they will not so polity get told exactly where to shove it with added swearing , this once suppressed , weak , scared to cause any trouble person now makes sure the person involved will only ever if they are really lucky get the opportunity to do it once .

  

  Domestic abusers hate anything or anyone that is stronger than they are ( haven't you noticed they always go for what they think are the weaker victims ? ) so why not show them just how strong you can be by changing your stars . 

   Your future is all down to what ever direction you decide to walk , Fate and its great friend destiny might have great plans for you .

  

  

  

 

  

 

   

 

 

Fate or Destiny ?

 

Fate or destiny ? is the question , personally I kind of believe its a little bit of both ......

Without question if I hadn't of lived through my 28yrs exodus of domestic abuse I would certainly not be where I am today so maybe I had to live  my past in order to live and appricate what I now have in my future 🤔. 

 Maybe thats a bit controversial but I'm actually beginning to think it maybe just maybe there's something in it ( or maybe its just the old Hippy in me sneaking out again  ) .

 Granted I think I might of preferred a better alternative way to get to where I am now  but it's certainly taught me some seriously good life lessons . It's most deffinatly without question made me mentally stronger and wiser .

 Was it fate that lead me to that first meeting with my now domestically abusive ex ?.... 

I don't know but what I do know is that without that one night I would not now have my three children . Yes I could have met someone else and had children with them but obviously my life was meant to go in the direction it took . It's taken me a bit of a while to see it but I most positively think that without that meeting I wouldn't now be writting this ( writting always being something of a bit of a childhood day dream ) .

  Maybe it would have been quite nice if fate hadn't taken quite so long to get where ever it was leading me but at least its given me an easier ride than others in a similar position .

What lessons have I learnt ?...

  The first one has to be to never to fall for a heart breaking sob story straight away . If in any doubt of someone I now do a little bit of  detective work on them , nothing major and no stalking just a matter of asking around to see what others might think . I'm a bit more guarded on giving my trust out to people now but once they get it then they gain it for life .

Next lesson is that if anyone dares to try to even think they can control anything to do with any aspects of my life , they can just keep on walking ( and when they get there they can just keep on going ) . I may make a few mistakes along the way in my life but that's exactly how I learn and any mistakes made will only happen the once .  In a weird way everything I now have in my life maybe I should owe to my now ex because without my experience with him I wouldn't be the person I am now ( or do I thank fate and destiny ?... ) .

 

My Destiny is to a point still unknown but I dont care because I now have every faith that where ever it intends to take me I know it's going to be a journey worth taking ,  Fate brought various people into my life and destiny gets to  decides which direction it all goes in . So far Its successfully managed to help relocate lost friends and it seems to be doing a pretty good job so far in the directions it takes me . I've learnt to not worry or panic in whatever comes my way but instead face it head on and just deal with it .

My domestic abuse story and it's recovery was my fate and now some of my destiny I'd like to think is to reach out and share it with others , I'm under no illusion domestic abuse will never end in my lifetime but if I've managed to help change just one person's life then the life fate handed out to me would have been all worth while . 

  Sharing that part of my life with whoever might come across it and read it means that the ridiculously sized elephant in the room called domestic abuse is out there in the open and if I can survive it so can anyone else . Thanks to fate or destiny or what ever you want to call it my life has certainly has a massive upgrade , I'm having a ball making up for all those lost years , I refuse flatly to act my age and now fully intend to grow old completely and utterly disgracefully .

   I've gained tattoos and several ear piercings because I wanted to and most importantly because I can , I now wear whatever I want , when I want to where ever I want and if I suddenly fancy a really good girls night out then all I have to do is send a couple of messages .  If I want to spend my day waking up at silly o'clock to just sit by a lake fishing all day then happy days and if I want to jump in a river with all my clothes on then I bloody well will ( maybe not in winter though 🤔 ) .

  Oh yes , I'm becoming a fast believer in fate and destiny because without it my life could be totally different . I'd like to think everything happens for a really good reason and it's up to the individual to find that reason ( sometimes not always easy ) , writting these posts has given me the opportunity to express all my inner thoughts and feelings and maybe it was destiny's help that encouraged me to first start it in order to help make sense of my past and maybe that same destiny has other plans for it who knows .

  This domestic abuse survivor is looking forward to the future and what ever it may bring with it , from now on I shall be holding my head up high and looking ahead for the unexpected interesting future that Fate or destiny have in store for me next . 

Congratulations and celebrations.

 

✨️ A big congratulations to myself for two very important life changing decisions !!!!!!! ✨️

At the end of this month 9 years ago I made the first major decision and because of that one decision my life is now beyond a major improvement , that decision was to end my endless dark 28 years of domestic abuse .

 Yes , It caused quite a few slightly large ripples (slightly being an understatment there ) and a certain person was most deffinatly not a happy bunny about it but as I said at the begining of all of these posts it was either he had to go or I'd have to leave in a box . There was the obviouse classic hissy fits , temper tantrums and spiteful words but I had grown so used to all of that over the years that none of it really bothered me much anymore . I simply could not continue trying to live under the gigantic heavy cloud of domestic abuse  anymore , my mission at that particular period in time  was to get the control back of my own individual life and after several brutally honest phone calls to get help and advice and asking a few favours from good friends I had somehow managed to keep along the way I started travelling on my bumpy road of recovery and sunshine was slowly coming back into my life once again .

   I would be lying if I said it was super easy but looking back now it really wasn't nearly as differcult or complicated as I had originally thought it might be , Yes , deffinatly scary but that's only because I was still in the belief and mind set that I was complely worthless and useless ( if your told you are long enough then you start to believe you must be ) but once that snow ball started to roll along all myself belief and inner strength just grew bigger and bigger almost every single day .

 The grey heavy clouds that come with domestic abuse slowly began to lift and my days have become brighter ever since . Refusing to not allow all those gloomy thoughts and feelings to continue festing in my life proved to be one of the most positive things I have ever done ( apart from having my children of course ) .

My Story of domestic abuse  will always stay with me in the background but I now no longer hide behind the sofa from it and I'll carry on regardless shouting out loud about it ....

 I am a domestic abuse survivor and I'm extremly proud of it !!!!!

My second life changing decision started as a purely selfish act but it's sort of just adapted and grown into what it is today. 

 Three years ago I first started putting down my story of domestic abuse, I felt I needed at the time to put it all down somewhere in order to help clear some of the foggy cobwebs that insisted on lingering in the back of my mind . I put down my story then there was a bit of a long pause whilst I thought about what to do next and then I've continued on the positive aspect after tweaking it slightly in places and a little bit of editing .

  I knew from the start I would always do it as if I were talking to a friend and that it had to be written with total one hundred percent honesty  and above all else it had to start from the very first meeting in order for it to show how the abuse developed and grew overtime into what it eventually became .

  Reading some of it back now I'd like to think the writting has all improved as it's gone along , it's grown from not just being about my past domestic abuse experiences but also about how positive my life now is , this positivity I now try to spread and share all around . What started as just one thing has now begun to grow just like a seed and I can now also be found on Facebook , Instagram,  Threads , X and Quora and all for exactly the same purpose......that's to help others see surviving domestic abuse can be done .

It's most deffinatly been a unique journey reliving and remembering as much as I can , as you've probably seen if you've read any of my past experiences my domestic abuser was only ever emotionally , mentally and financially abusive along with the classic stopping me having as less contact as possible with family and friends ( plus a few other unpleasant things ) and looking back has helped enormously in helping me realise just what a fool I must of been for allowing it to continue for as long as it did . 

  You're absolutely right it doesn't read particularly that bad or that horrendous now it's all written down but when it's continually aimed in your direction for 28 extremely long years it does tend to tire you out just a bit ( note the typical english sarcasim used here ).

 I ended up actually believing I was "fat , usless and ugly " because I was told it almost every single day , my inner confidence in myself had been shot to pieces and there was I at the end of it with no or extremely little inner strengh left  .

  Today I now know I'm nowhere near as dumb as I was once lead to believe I was , I know none of what happened to me was even close to being my fault and actually I'm impressed with myself that I've manage to come out the other side reasonably sane,  level headed and the weird crazy bad dreams that were attached have almost ceased to exist .

 There are no more dark miserable clouds in my life anymore ( apart from the obvious weather type ones of course) and I'm actually quite enjoying living my life now 😊.

 I will be eternally grateful to all those that supported me , helped me and guided me along the way and to those that have read some or all of my previous stuff I say a massive big thank you .

  My days are now as full of as many happy warm fuzzy wuzzy sunshine moments and happy thoughts that I can squeeze into it , 

  My nine years of domestic abuse freedom has gone far too fast and I Iook forward to whatever comes along  my way in the future .

Please if your reading any of this and your going through your own personal domestic abuse nightmare then never say never to making the same sort of decision I once made and make your days worth living once again .

  

   

   

 

Something Special.

 

Special places are called that for a really good reason , we've all got one or maybe two but they all do the same thing......

 The images used today are all of mine and it's just a small simple classic ever unchanging English seaside town but that's exacly why I love it , you all know my passion for being outside regardless of the weather and this place is the one that garrented works for me everytime ( those who know me well enough will know exactly where it is but for those that don't well I'm sorry but it wouldn't be quite so special and secret if everyone knew where it was ) .

I first feel in love with the place when I young whilst on a family holiday way back in the mid 70s and from then on its called me back endless times , I've even taken my children there and they in turn love it there too . So what makes it so special to me ?........

Because it has kept all my childhood secrets that were written in the sand for the tide to wash away and as I became older its kept all my darkest thoughts and dreams . Anything once spoken in a whisper or any longed for wishes made were swept up in a sea breeze never to be heard or seen again by anyone else , any secrets once told I know would be kept safely secret for all time . All of my dreams and happy ever afters are thanks to to the sand , sea and air held here .

When I was living through my darkestest dismal days of domestic abuse it was this place I saw when I closed my eyes at night , it was this place I used to visualise whilst I was in labour with all three of my children ( apprently I was just showing off not having any form of a painkiller for all three ) and most importantly it was the only place inside my head that my now domestic abusive ex could never get to take away from me  or use against me .

  He knew how strongly I felt about this place but he couldn't move it away or change how I felt about it no matter how hard he tried , it was all mine and I will never surrender it to anyone . The photos used today are all my own and none really don't do it nearly enough justice but whilst writting this today all the warmth and happy days spent there are rushing back and it still makes me smile even on this slightly soggy day to remember it all ( why is it always warm and sunny when I picture it in my mind 🤔 ).

 Perfect endless sunny summer days spent on the sandy beach , collecting different  interesting shells , bits of drift wood and for some strange reason trying to dig down as far as I could go became my eagerly awaited annual holiday , swimming in the sea was garrented event no matter how cold it felt to begin with and then of course there was always the classic Fish and Chips that seemed to taste even better when eaten straight out the paper whilst sitting on the sea wall .

 Wintertime it's full of its all powerful gusts of extremly strong wind , there's cold hands , windswept hair and wrapping up warm always a garrentee but its still glorious for clearing those all too messed up cobwebs from a foggy mind . The sea proving just how masterful it can really be on a December day with its roaring waves and leaving the taste of salt in the air .

 Now you've met my perfect place , where's yours ?....

 Everyone has one  , it's that place you can transport or time travel yourself back to in your dreams at any time , it's that place where you feel safe and be at peace with yourself , it's that place you will never forget and the place that will always mentally protect you , I've spoken about happy places before and it's sort of the same thing but not nearly quite as special .

  Those that have been domestically abused sometimes need that special place in their minds to escape to when needed , most people have a place like that but to an abuse victim it can be the only thing that keeps them sane . If your in this positions then try it , think of that place that inwardly makes you smile and focus on it , slow your breathing right down and concentrate on it .  Not always an easy thing to do granted when all around is going crazy but try it afterwards when your poor brain is trying to process all those recent events it can somtimes help to clear the muggy thoughts a bit and clear your thinking  .

  Every single tiny detail needs to be replayed , every single shop , lamp post , seagull and pebble or whatever it is carefully placed in the picture perfectly all ready to be viewed in your mind when needed and then when the abuser starts all over yet again it's there in the background of your mind ready to surround its self around you like a warm comfy blanket ready to protect your inner self .

   Close your eyes and picture your place and I bet you will see each and every tiny little detail , how you use those thoughts and feelings is a totally individual one but mine helped save me on many an occasion .  Is it a form of meditation or self therapy I don't know but it certainly works for me and I hope it works it's magical spell on others . It can take a little practise to begin with but trust me it's worth evey second when you start doing it . 

Do I still feel the same about my special place now I'm free of my Abuser ?....

  Yes absolutely without question  !!!!!!!!!

  

   

 

  

 

  

Happy New Year !!

 

 Its the new year so why not adapt a few things in your life ?......

  life is far too short to get it wrong and you only get one go at it so if there's anything that's going on in your life your not happy about why not adapt it to fit , I won't say change things because that sounds far too dramatic and big and I won't say make a new years resolution either because that sounds too flimsy and resolutions can be broken to easily . 

 By adapting things your not making any major serious changes your just simply tweaking the edges of ideas you had  already

 and helping making them fit a bit better in the massive Jigsaw of life , It's your Jigsaw so why not design it your way and then all the pieces should fit perfectly. 

  Domestic abuse can't be stopped over night and it's a foul path to find yourself traveling but what you can do ( and that's only when you feel you are ready to) is to take another path to walk on , like a lot of things in life you may not know exactly where that new path might take you but it has to be better from where you've just come from so why not explore it . A new path can take you to new brighter future and that can only mean endless positivity . 

  You all know my story by now so I'll not bore you with it all yet again but what I will say is that one of the best things I have ever done in my life is to make that decision to take a different pathway , at the time yes it was slightly scary ( understament ) but WOW !!! life is good now 😌. I've learnt to adapt my path to go in the direction it should have gone in and not the way someone else wanted it to go .

  No more carrying the heavy weight of being domestic abused on my shoulders,  no more hiding from the real world and most deffinatly no more crying those silent inner tears for pain or hurt no one else could ever see , there's only one person who has the right to control my life and that's me ( granted I don't always get it right but I just keep on going regardless ) .

   The path I walk now is ever changing but always full of laughter , I now do stuff that I always led to believe were way off my radar but I've discovered all the rubbish I was once told was because of that other persons insecurities and not my own , they still have all of them of course but none of it is now directed my way .

  Every step I now take forward I see as a whole brand new adventure , it doesn't matter how small that step is I'm still going to enjoy each and every moment of being able to now be true to myself . 

  Now the next question is are you ready to take a new path ?...

   If no then don't worry you will when the time is good and right for you .

  If yes then why not just live the dream .

  How can I be so unbelievably positive in life after surviving domestic abuse?....

  That's a really easy one to answer  , I've always been a positive thinking kind of person ( in fact it was was only the positive thinking that kept me going sometimes back then ) but now I just let it all out and I like to share it all around because being positive can be contagious . I've always tried to turn anything negative into a positive no matter how small or dark it might be . Good example is today, it may be a grey end of year day but as I'm writing this I'm enjoying a nice cup of tea and thinking that those nice chocolate biscuits are looking like they might need eating 😋 

   Thinking positive isn't a particularly hard thing to do,  you just start with something small and then go from there. Over a period of time all those small thoughts grow and then you can end up finding yourself smiling at the most weirdest things but all in a positive way and it's that smile you gain that is priceless. 

Laughter doesn't cost anything and it can come in variouse forms , there's giggles , chuckles or even like father Christmas ho ho ho's . It doesn't matter how or where the smiles and laughter start , it's all about the enjoyment of whatever it was that started it all off in the first place .

  If that domestic abuse is seemingly never ending , offering nothing but dark negativity and your finding yourself believing all the rubbish your told then there is only one person that can change things and that's you and most importantly never think you can't do it because just like me there are thousands out there who just like you thought it would never happen to them but they found that strengh and survived it, they changed the direction they wanted to walk and so can anyone else .

  Changing your path is a unique journey and your surroundings are what ever you want them to be , it's you walking it so you get to pick who you walk some of the way with , only you get to decide where you stop off for the odd pit stop and its you that decide who it is that you get evicted off your path with a big kick if needed. Yes it really is honestly that simple ( tough sometimes but reasonably simple ) . 

  

Why not make the new year coming be your year , adapt that path if needed .  It's your life so make it work for you , believe in yourself and good things will follow !!!!!

  

  

    

  

 

  

  

  

  

Abuse Solstice.

 

Domestic abuse can be the darkest period of anyone's life, and as a victim/survivor of it, I now fully appreciate every single new glorious day I'm given .....

 Today is the Winter Solstice, and as I'm waking up on the shortest day of the year and looking out the window,  I can see the morning just about to begin . The clouds may have that December grey colour but it's not raining and it's going to be a fun filled day of Christmas present swapping with family and a long awaited night out at the pub just up the road with some good friends  .

 Personally I see today as a positive  ( actually thinking about it  I see most days  as a positive ) , it may be the shortest day oof the year with very little day light but the old distant hippie in me sees it as a promising sign that things from now will only improve and  the days will only get longer and a whole lot brighter .

  I'm looking forward to the early morning dawn chorus sung by Mr. Blackbird that lives in the tree in my front garden ( his always the first and last to sing ) , the spring bulbs in that I planted in my garden last Autumn to start to emerge and of course those long calm and warm relaxing days of summer sitting around a lakeside going fishing to begin once again .

  Simplistic stuff maybe, but it's all positive, happy thoughts and it's a whole lot better than my life used to be like a few years ago.

  Domestic abuse to some isn't the most interesting or fascinating subject and no it's not the most gripping of stories but its something that needs to spoken about and yes I know I repeat myself a lot when I write about it but thats the whole point......eventually people will have to sit up and listern or read .

  It's not a subject matter that can be easily just swept under the carpet in the vain hope that no one  can see it , it's out there happening right now to someone .

 Would you know or recognise it was going on close by to you or to a family member ?.....

  Proberly not no , and that's because you either haven't lived through it to be able to see the signs or you choose not to see it ( and it can be hidden exceptionally well ) .

  My own family didn't have a clue about exactly what was going on when I had 28yrs of it and they still don't know lots of it even now .

  They picked up that my now ex was a little anti-social at times, but they never discovered what went on behind closed doors . They to this day have no idea I once had thoughts about jumping off a very high bridge or about those days that I knew if I had started to walk I might not of stopped. 

  That's how well those that are domestically abused can camouflage what's going on in their lives . 

It's one if those things that someone will only ever truly understand and notice if they have been there themselves at some point .

  Domestic abuse comes in loads of various differant highly unpleasant forms and can happen to absolutly anyone , it's not something that can be ever prettied up or turned into something that it isn't,  it's just what it is and that's nothing but pure ugly. I could go on and on about all the various outstanding groups that can be contacted for help or glam the subject matter up like a Hollywood movie but I won't because then it doesn't deserve to be turned into that . If I went into graphic detail on how horrendous some forms of it can be like then I'd be instantly blocked or banned from all the places I post on due to how offensive it could all be found to be . The whole subject about domestic abuse is the equivalent of the biggest elephant in the room , noone wants to see it or discuss it openly but im not afraid to do it !!!!

   Now I know I'm just a random everyday somebody who writes all these rambling often misspelt words but it's people like me who have been there , seen it and survived it that know more about it than anyone with all the qualifications , we know how the darkness of it all can feel , we know  although you may be surrounded by other people you can still feel all too  lonely and we know better than anyone that amazing feeling that freedom can bring . 

  My first plans when I started all of this was to put some of those crazy thoughts and memories down somewhere to help un- clog my poor fogged up brain and I've just kept on going with it and it's helped enormously in showing to me how many of us have had to tolerate being domestically abused and how few want to tackle how raw a subject it can all be .

 Domestic abuse should be as I once already said be brought up in Secondary schools ( or the equivalent in other countries) as a discussion point , it should be shown to be a subject that should never be hidden or kept in the dark . In many many years time there might just be a vaque chance that those selfish massively overgrown temper tantrum throwing three year olds might just get the hint that their behavour is totally unacceptable and no one will tolerate it ( intill then I'll just keep on shouting about it )  .

   If your about to or are experiencing your own version of a domestic abusive soltice and your slowly waking up to longer brighter days then make sure you get that all important help and advice from where ever you can find it , there's some seriously brilliant groups out there who can help and support you .  Don't put up with those dark dismal days anymore and just enjoy what ever it is that is held in your beautiful bright future .

 

   

  

  

  

  

  

 

  

  

  

  

  

Love shouldn't hurt .

 

It's now just only one week left till the excitement of Christmas day .

  Everyone should now be super busy making sure all the gifts are brought , the Christmas cards all written in and sent and everyones favourite the sprouts have been on the boil since July . 

  The world is now all geared up ( well, almost anyway ) for Christmas day , but is it really ?.....

   There will still be that unique group of people out there who are dreading it , not because of the preparation of the glorious Christmas day dinner that's expected but because those people now have possibly a whole week or even longer living with their domestic abuser with no day off from it . 

It's times like this that those that are abused don't look forward to because they know what could happen to them , abusers will reach their ultimate boiling point far too quickly and their victims spend their time constantly on guard always being prepared for the expected .

  Who has a nice drink or three/four on Christmas eve ?.. ..

 You get all glammed up and you're off down to the local pub to share the Christmas spirit with friends or family , you have a few glasses of something nice and then at the end of the night you spend some time saying your merry Christmas's , having a hug and kiss then all say " see you next year !! " , next comes the slightly wobbly walk back home and then sleep in your bed ready for the mornings excitement .

  

  Unfortunately, it doesn't work the same when you're involved in a domestic abusive relationship , they have a drink, and the abuse can escalate to a ridiculous level . There's no hugs or kisses, just viscous verble emotional or physical abuse . If it hadn't started on Christmas eve then it will happen at some point , for some strange and unknown reason all abusers seem to have a strong dislike of anything or anyone being happy , they don't seem to have that part wired up properly in their brains so they then do the only thing they know how to do and that's lash out out someone or something .

  Opening presents should be full of gratitude , happiness and laughter but not from an abuser , if your really lucky, you may get a brief thank you thrown randomly in your direction but within the hour you will start to get the comments like " I've never liked that sort of chocolate anyway " , " what am I supposed to do with that ? " or if your really lucky, you could find that gift up so lovingly brought and wrapped up go sailing through the air and land shattered or broken on the floor. 

No I don't have a clue either why it's times like Christmas, Easter or any other holiday ( Covid lockdowns included of course ) that seem to just bring out the worse in a domestic abuser but it just does and there will hundreds of people out there dreading it and what it can bring . 

  That's exactly why I'm writting this today because I'm asking for everyone to think about those that don't have such a merry little Christmas . I once wasted far too much of my valuable years trying to make Christmas what it should be for my children , yes they had loads of great Christmas's but never as good as they should of been . One year they clearly heard Father Christmas throw a massive temper tantrum chucking cardboard boxes around downstairs which was excused by saying naughty Rudolph had a disagreement with another reindeer over who wanted to be at the front of the sleigh ( thankfully believed and they went back to sleep after being told I'd put an extra carrot out for them all ) .

   Thanks to my now exs inability to control his stupid child like temper my children who where still quite young at time nearly had their whole illusions of Father Christmas shattered , they still remember it evensfter all this time  ,  their all grown up and laugh about it now of course ( thankfully they have my sense of humour ) .

  Please listern out for anything that doesn't sound right on your travels this christmas , I'm not for one single minute suggesting you interfer in anything but if you suspect someone is in any possible danger of getting physically hurt then please don't hesitate to make that anonymous phone call to the police, it could be the greatest present you could give to someone this Christmas . 

Next bit comes and its New Years Eve with again people possibly enjoying themselves with variouse glasses of their favourite drink and come those chimes at midnight there will be not only the traditional New Years resolution 's but also drunken domestic abusers ready for the next round of pain and suffering . Abusers will always be out there somewhere and any alcohol intake just makes them feel even more super invincible, this time of year is never easy if your a victim of domestic abuse , if you feel you need to scream , shout or even swear to someone else during this or any other time then please find the blog email in my profile ( I'll most likely join in with the swearing too ) , I'm not a therapist or a counsellor but I am a survivor and know exactly what this time of year can be like when you have to tolerate living with a domestic abuser. 

  As usual let's end on a positive happy thought .......

   Christmas is a time for loving all family and good friends . It's about sharing the laughter and the smiles , enjoy the time with those you care about and don't forget those that may not have that outstanding Christmas dinner to look forward to or that joy of having a family , we all cook extra on christmas day so why not share it with someone who may need it ? 🤔

Final photo is one of my own .

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 

 

Once upon a time .

Domestic abuse is nobody's fairy tale and here's a good example  .......

 Once upon a time, there was once a very gloomy , sad , unforgiving , desperately dark place . There wasn't any joy or happiness allowed there and smiling was considered a serious major crime , if any of the many many rules were broken then there would be an instant punishment given with no judge or jury to plead your case to and solitary confinement was a favourite given penalty that could last possibly for weeks .

    

 

 The ruler of this extremely unforgiving place was a mean and vindictive person , he seemed to thrive very well on all the dark harshness he insisted on being surrounded by . He enjoyed nothing more than making each and every day as dark and as gloomy as he possibly could and making other peoples lives miserable just seemed to make himself feel even more stronger so he made it his mission to be all powerful by controlling other people's lives . He believed that anyone below him should be eternally grateful for whatever tiny morsal of his attention he decided to hand out , but this was rare, and he always expected to be given total recognition from all around him . 

  Now, there also happened to be living in this same place a fair maiden . She was by nature a reasonably passive, mild-mannered happy thinking sort of person . She had a strong dislike for any bad dark things in life, and she always tried to see beauty , light and calmness all around her . Sometimes, when the dreaded darkness decended down a bit too far, she struggled fighting against it , but the battle never lasted that long, and she always somehow managed to return back to herself once again .

 As the years rolled by in the dark place the loneness of this dismal existence just kept on growing ,  just like a weed it tried to suffercate and smother anything or anyone that got in its way , it crept under doors , it squeezed through the small gaps in bricks and somehow even managed to move through the glass in windows . All this was controlled by one person and that was the ruler and he never cared who or what was affected by it . The darker his world became , the safer and more secure he felt in his little kingdom , he laughed if anyone dared to challenge his authority, and he never hesitated in making sure the perpetrator of any crime commited was condemned to suffer for a long period of time .

    In the Rulers' eyes , any form of escape was fruitile , the invisible chains that were worn by all those that lived in the dark place were strong and seemed virtually unbreakable . These chains were heavy and became even heavier over time , the chains were silently worn and completely unseen by those who didn't live in the dark place . The ruler would wear a mask to confuse those who lived on the outside of the dark place , they would only ever see the nice happy person and never  who the dark ruler really was . 

The fair maiden woke up one day and realised that maybe just maybe there could possibly be a way to break away from all the darkness . It wasn't going to be easy , and she knew she would have to be strong . Her plain was a reasonably simplistic one.... why not battle all the negativity with positivity ?...  She knew she was lucky to have been able to keep enough positivity in reserve to begin the fight back and hoped that it would begin to grow as she went on . The first step to freedom would be the hardest, and she knew once she started, there would be no turning back , so she gathered together all the last remaining grains of inner strength she had , took a deep breath and then began to run .

It didn't take long for the dark ruler to discover this unforgivable crime, and he tried everything in his power to recapture what he thought was once his property . He stamped his feet , he tried to raise a small army , he tried to put blockades in every possible road but it was all to no good the Fair Maiden had broken out and was now running faster than he ever could in order to catch her .The ruler was furious , how dare someone humiliate him by not allowing him to control their every move and how atrocious that the fair maiden was spreading the word about the nightmares in the dark place .

The fair maiden spoke to many people on her travels in order to get help , and she was thankful that she was believed by all . She was surprised to discover that there was more than just one dark place , and in fact she wasn't the only one who had managed to escape , she learnt that there were many various forms of dark places and some Rulers were even more horrendous than hers used to be . From then on she decided to help all those that had either had to once endure time in a dark place and those that are still living in one . She was under no illusion that it would never be an easy task but she was determined that she would try to help and encourage others to have the same strength she had .

Gaining a happy ever after is down to the individual , everyone can have it but its how it's found that really counts . 

As you've probably guessed by now this is a fairy tale all based on fact and it certainly was'nt my idea of a good fairy tale . My now ex domestic abuser played the role of the nasty Ruler and yes I took on the role of the fair maiden .  

What's my own personal happy ever after now ? .......

    It's sitting here , relaxing writing this and enjoying the fact that I chose when to put the Christmas decorations up and I dont care less that none of it is matching or colour co-ordinated and the tree is full of sparkling muti coloured bright dazzling lights that can be seen by others as they walk along the path outside . It's knowing that I beat the ruler and his darkness rules , I'm now the only ruler of my own busy , quite often scatty but pretty bloody brilliant world now  !!!  My ex- ruler failed to keep me imprisoned in his relm of bitterness and darkness , he failed to take away my inner strength and he failed to stop me shouting out loud that there is only one ultimate failure of that particular time in my life and that was him !!